Writing Back on the Table?

So... I used to want to be a writer. I started writing novels... never got very far, but I always planned them out well and had some great ideas. I always figured it would never work out, though. See, I have this problem where I don't like using certain words because of how they sound; the way they feel rolling off my tongue... just isnt natural. That "thesaurus block" in my head is what stopped me from writing all those years ago, and what led me to discard being a writer as a future career path.

But lately something's been getting to me. I met this amazing girl, Bree. She's one of my best friends, and she has a hobby. Writing.

This may be one of our bonding hobbies, as friends, because of my passion for the written language. For the vivid images that come to mind when you read the right words describing something. For the fantastical, the magical, the mystery that comes to life out of a book. I have been missing that in my life, I think, and now that Bree has opened me back up to that world... I'm starting to want to write again.

I started this blog just to vent. To talk about life, things that happen to me, to people I know... to talk about all the bad things and the reasons they shouldn't matter; to talk about all the good things and how lucky I am to have known them. After meeting Bree, I started another blog just for the two of us. A 'friends only' blog, for us to just be ourselves and write stuff. And now... I'm going to start yet another blog. This one... will take me back.

I'm going to start another story. It's been so long since I've written anything... I'm not sure I remember how it goes. But watching Bree write her fanfic--it reminds me that it's easy. Just write what you think, what you feel. I used to be confident in my writings. Why have I lost that confidence?

No matter. I will get it back. And I will write again.

Friends are like Hersheys

~ Hey there blog! It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, I can tell you EXACTLY what happened between us, why I drifted away. You see, I got world of warcraft back and...

Wait! Where are you going? I know, I said the the "w" world. But it's not that bad, it's down today for maintenance, so I thought we could catch up? ...no, no, you're not a backup plan! I really do miss you, blog! ~


So I'm sitting here at my computer... eating a melting Hershey's bar and contemplating life. I have a lot of new friends since I started playing WoW again. More specifically, since I joined my guild, The Chosen One. The people I have met are just amazing. Some of them aren't quite 18 yet, which is sad because they are awesome (some of them seem mature for their age) and some of them are way over 18 (and seem to still be mature for THEIR age as well). I get along so well with everyone. Everyone that sees I'm online says hi, asks how I'm doing, wants to add me to their group. Everyone wants my help, my advice-- my "expertise" if you will. And when I log on for the day, I look to see who's on. I notice my friends, I say hi to them. I ask how they are doing, if anyone wants to be in a group with me. I ask for help and advice as well. It's a great balance, everyone is very friendly and willing to lend a hand to a fellow guild member, and it's especially nice to see our guild reaching out to help others who are NOT in the guild. But that's just how a good guild works. That's not even what I'm here to talk about.

I was thinking about friends. All the new friends I've made online, and how strange that is. Everyone who has ever known me knows that I get along better with the guys than the girls. I'm just not a "girlie girl" and I dont want to be (usually). I admit there are times when hanging out with other girls is awesome, but more often than not, over time, those girls start to piss me off. I dont understand girls, which is mind-blowing in itself, since I AM a girl. The only time I get along with girls is one on one, and when I find a girl that I really fit with, we are best friends FOREVER. I have only found 3 of those kinds of girls in my LIFE. But ironically, online, most of my friends are girls. Why is it that I get along better with girls ONLINE but not in person? I guess it's easier to be friends with a night elf.

And the guys I get along best with? They're all like, 16 or 17. Why is it that I have more in common with a 16 year old BOY than I do with the 20, 30, and 40 year old guys? Is it because being a gamer chick makes me immature, and that's just the mental level I'm stuck on? Is it because my brother is a gamer and I miss my brother, so I subconsciously hang out with these guys to find some sort of connection with my brother? Or is because the teen boys these days all play Guitar Hero, X Box 360, WoW, pretty much all the video games I like, they play actual guitar, stay up all night on the computer, joke around the same way I do (saying things like "ur a loser haha" and knowing that I dont mean it), and just hang out the way I do?

My friends in real life are almost non existent. I had a few in Florida before I left for the Navy, but after High School, everyone goes off and gets a life. So most of those people (most if not all) drift away and you never see or hear from them again. I had a few friends in the Navy too, but once everyone gets stationed in opposite corners of the world, or gets discharged, it's very hard to stay in touch. Here in Texas, I dont know ANYONE. I mean, my hubby has a few friends, and they come out to the house a few times a year. And of course I get along with them, and they might consider me a friend. But I can't just call them up and say "hey, lets hang out". And it's a 40 minute drive to the nearest "hang out spot" which for me would be Books a Millon or Barnes and Noble. You don't meet too many people like me in the middle of the country. I am still friends with a few of the people I have known throughout my life, but since none of them are HERE, I don't think of them as "real life" friends. They have become online friends as well, which leaves me with... zero friends.

So I'm sitting here at my computer... eating a melting Hershey's bar and contemplating life. I start to think how alike friends and Hershey's really are. Much like a Hershey's bar, you can't let a friendship get too hot. Otherwise, it melts and you are left with a big sticky mess that gets all over the place, and it just doesnt taste as good when its not so solid. You dont even want to touch it anymore, just knowing how hard it's going to be to handle it like that, makes you wish you went with something that couldnt melt. Like broccoli. Also much like a Hershey's bar, you can't let a friendship get too cold either. Toss one in the freezer, then try to eat it. You could chip a tooth on that rock! Well, pretty close anyways. It takes longer to melt in your mouth, and isnt that one of the great parts of Hershey's? The rich creamy taste that just melts when you eat it? It's an amazing feeling that you just can't have if it's frozen solid. With Hershey's, you have to take care of it, keep it at the right temperature, dont squish it, keep it away from dogs and children, and dont let it spoil your meal either, but you want it to be perfect when you enjoy it. I mean you REALLY want to get the most out of your Hershey bar, and it just seems so hard these days to keep it right. I mean you could just eat it the moment you pick it up, but dont you want to have it for when you need it? You dont want to rush these things. Just like friends. But if friends are like Hershey's, how come all I get is to look at the Hershey's online? Why can't I have any in real life?

I just dont understand how I can be so social and yet so alone. My hubby doesnt quite understand my social needs, or why I feel the NEED to have friends. I can't explain it. All I know is that sometimes, you want a Hershey's bar. And you dont want to melt it, you dont want to freeze it, you just want a nice, perfect Hershey's bar to enjoy on your own time. Why can't I have that?

Crochet to Wear

I love to crochet. I have been doing it since I was a preteen, and have continued it these past 10 or so years. I got interested in the craft from watching my mom with her yarns, then picked up bits and pieced from my mom, my dad, and my mamaw (grandma). I began by trying to make a blanket. I know, it's a big project to just "start out" and learn on, but I was determined. Unfortunately I never finished that first blanket. I lost it, actually. Then started another first blanket, but misplaced it for a few years while taking a break from yarn. By the time I was in Texas I had picked yarn back up again, and had actually completed 3 projects. One was a camouflage mini-backpack, another was my first blanket, a ripple afghan in dark Italian colors, and the last was a crocheted replica of the Texas flag, an afghan for my husband. :)

I then got into stuffed animals. I have made many different animals, in many different colors, most of them all my own design and style. I even made an R2D2, from Star Wars. :) I made a large shoulder bag (that I actually used for a laundry bag for a while. A very decorative laundry bag...). I made a World of Warcraft pillow. I have also made a bouquet of crocheted flowers and leaves. That one came out BEAUTIFUL. Since then, I have started many projects and got just too excited about still other projects to really finish anything.

Hopefully I will finish every project I started. There is a blanket I am making from a book with 63 different sample patterns sewn together in patches, a Winnie-the-Pooh shag rug for my son, a large beginners chess set... not to mention the fact that I have many squares made in different colors and patterns, just waiting for me to arrange them into their own small throws.

The project I am currently working on, however, I refuse to put down. Not until it is done and I have decided that it is either a great work of art, or a waste of time.

You see, I am making a dress. Before I talk about the dress, though, I should inform you that I have had a phase in which I tried to make clothing. Actually, I was looking at a book that had shirts, bags, cardigans, moccasins, and even a skirt! All crocheted. For anyone who knows yarn projects, you may know that clothing is best knitted, not crocheted. Most crochet stitches are too big and too open to wear, and so most are designed to be open, like a lace cardigan or a "chunky" coat, or even a beautiful cowl-neck sweater, made with open lace that keeps you a bit warm, maybe in fall but not thick or heavy enough to really protect you from the elements (the cowl-neck sweater is one I definitely mean to try out one of these days). But I want to make a dress. So I have been searching for the right patterns and stitches, and here's what I came up with.

I am going to make it a tank top dress, down to my knees with a lacy border that goes a few inches below that. The 6-7 inches around the waist will be a bit tighter, and the skirt part will flare out some. The top and skirt part will be a slightly dark teal color, and the waist section will be a pale yellow. There will also be a pale yellow 3 layer flower where one strap meets the dress. The teal sections will be done in Seed Stitch, and I think the pale yellow part will be either traditional Single Crochet or perhaps something vertical that might have some stretchy capability.

Now, the hardest part is that it is designed so that it will not be see through. Seed Stitch is a fairly tight stitch, to help minimize the appearance of spaces between stitches. But that doesnt mean there wont be any spaces. I may end up sewing a thin fabric underneath, to make absolutely sure it's not see through, and that will be a bit more comfortable, but I dont want it to unravel if it gets a hole in it or gets caught on something and the string snaps in any place.

So this will be my first project that I experiment with washing and blocking.

My other projects were washed, true, but I have yet to actually "wash and block". The process of washing and blocking, so I understand, shrinks the yarn as well and forms it to the shape you desire. I watched a show where a woman took a project she had "wash and blocked" and cut it. Cut right through a section with a pair of scissors, and the project acted like a fabric, no unraveling, no loose yarn... it was amazing. I will have to do some research to find out exactly how to do that, but it will have to wait till the dress is made. No use worrying about it now if I don't get that far.

Wish me luck on completing a started project in less than a month!

Cousin's Marriage; My Shock

I am going to keep this as simple as possible.

Recently, my 17 year old cousin got married. To a 24 year old Army guy who has been in the Army for 6 years. That means he has been serving in the military for 1/3 of her life. How does a 23 year old in the military meet a 16 year old in high school? She didn't have a job, so not that way. And what does a 23 year old want with an underage girl anyways? It just seems a bit fishy to me if I think about it too much. My uncle was arrested 2 years ago on charges of trying to hook up with a 14 year old. With as much as my cousin loved her dad, it is almost expected that she have daddy issues, so yeah she was looking for someone older, and definitely older than 18 if not 21. And being underage herself just sort of finishes the little "playing out" of the situation. But that's how a shrink might look at it, I suppose. And I'm not a shrink.

My aunt, I'm surprised to say, seems to have been more than happy to get her underage daughter out of the house. If she had to marry her off to do it, so be it. And for what? To try to relive the high school life with her new 23 year old boy toy? Yes, that's right. My aunt is seeing someone younger than my 17 year old cousin's HUSBAND. How much more confusing can this get?

Well, I don't want to think about it any further. All I want to say is that I love my cousin. I am happy for her, and for whatever makes her happy. She is happy being married to Army guy. Which means I am happy for her. I have no place to tell her that she got married too soon, because I got married when I was 18 (although I was almost 19). I have no place to say that older guys must be pedophiles just because they are looking for someone younger, because my hubby is 4 years older than me (although I was over 18 when he met me, and he is only 4 years older, not 6). But like I said, I have no place to say anything. If she's reading this right now I hope she understands that these are my personal thoughts on the matter. I have never met Army guy, and I've been away from home for a very long time. But looking at it as an outsider, that is most likely what they see. I hope she doesnt care what anyone else thinks, if she loves Army guy and he loves her, than I hope they are married for many many years and have lots of kids and a happy life together, and after a few years people will stop commenting on how fast they got married and start commenting on how long they've lasted and how it looks like it was the right decision, after all.

I hope she can forgive me my doubts, and still accept that I wish her the best in her new, married life. Once the shock wears off, I too will be one of those "look how long you've been together, you must be made for each other" people.

But I tell ya what, it shocked the hell out of me to hear about it. I'm not gonna lie, I didnt think she was serious. Only time can heal such things. Heal my exploded mind, time.

Out of Shape

I have been getting back into shape. Actually, I can't honestly say "getting back" into shape, since I was never in shape to begin with. I always envisioned getting fit to be hard, backbreaking work that leaves your muscles sore and takes a lot of your free time, and all you do is build muscle until you look like Popeye after he eats his spinach. It seemed like way too much work and I never liked the "ripped" look, with muscles on muscles. So instead, I sat at my laptop and chatted and redesigned my myspace and even had a neopet and an account on Gaia.

I could sit here all day and tell you excuse after excuse as to why I was never active in high school, or anytime before now, but that's all they would be. Excuses. The simple truth of it was that I was just plain lazy. But then I went to boot camp. Now, granted, it was only Navy boot camp. (Most of you just said "Oh come ON! That hardly counts as boot camp at all!") But even that was a major wake up call. I started out barely able to do 10 push ups and sit ups. I was pathetic. What 18 year old couldn't even do 10 push ups?

Besides being out of shape and mad at myself for it, I was also gaining weight. From the time I joined the Navy to the time I was discharged, I had gained 7 lbs. I started to work out about a year after getting out, but then I got pregnant. After having the baby, it was enough work just learning how to care for a newborn and balance my daily life that I didn't have the time to work out (and for the first time I had a reason, not an excuse). But having the baby made me gain an additional 15 lbs.

It took me a year, but I finallly decided to start getting into shape and being active and fit. And I want to lose all this extra baggage I started lugging around. But I'm starting off pretty simple. I don't want to jump into a hard complex routine; it's making it too hard and setting too many goals at once that caused me to continually fail at attempting to get fit in the past. I start by doing 20 minutes on my elliptical. I do the first 3 or 4 minutes at a nice walk pace, then I start to run. I run until I've gone a certain distance, then I slow down and I walk it out until I hit 20 minutes. Today I ran until I hit 0.85 of a mile. It might not seem a long way to go, but believe me, it takes a lot longer to go a mile on an elliptical than it does to just run a mile.

I also do 20-25 crunches (one crunch for me is one to the right and one to the left. So it's "right" crunch, "left" crunch... ONE.) Then I do sit ups. I can only do 20 of them right now, but it's such an improvement that I can't complain.

I find that I have a lot more energy now that I'm working out, and as long as I keep short term goals, and only one or two goals at a time, I can stick with it. Before, I used to be like "im going to weigh this much, and be able to do this much, and this, and this..." and it was just too overwhelming. This way, all I tell myself each day is:

You are going to weigh 120 one day, but right now, let's just get to 137. Then you'll be the same as you were in high school! That's awesome. And these sit ups and crunches will take inches off your waist! You will look good and feel great. You CAN do it. Good Job!

And you know what? I CAN do this. I WILL be 120 one day. And my waist? It's going to be smaller. And the best part? I will look good and feel great. I'm already feeling great!

I'm good, I'm great, I'm wonderful. :)

Sweet (smelling) Dreams

I have been having some really weird dreams lately. All week long, actually. And I'm starting to think they mean something.

About a week ago, I had a dream. I don't even really remember much of what it was about, but I think there were people in it; maybe people I know, but no one that I recognized. Whatever happened, I woke up smelling smoke. Like, there was a fire. It was about 2 or 3 in the morning, and my instincts told me to run to the other bedroom and check on my son. Well, I did. And there was no fire. No smoke. I couldn't even smell it anymore. I went through the entire house sniffing left and right, and did not find anything that looked, smelled, or even felt burned or hot. Nothing. And no more smell of smoke. So I went back to bed; the rest of the night was peaceful.

A few days after that, I had another dream. This one definitely had people I knew. Old friends from back in Florida. And I was happy, wearing shorts and having a good time. It was a good dream. But for some reason, I smelled oil. Or maybe gasoline; but I remember knowing that it was the smell of oil. I woke up smelling it; and once again my instincts took over and I checked on my son. Nothing. Then I checked the entire house (again). Still nothing. And I hadn't smelled oil since waking up.

Then last night, it happened again. I woke up smelling smoke. This time, I knew I dreamed it. I don't know what I was dreaming about, just that I remember flashes of images and color and sound, but I woke up with the smell of smoke and just lay there for a moment, waiting to see if I could still smell it. And what do you know? Nothing. Of course, I checked on my son again just to be 100% sure. You can never be too careful, especially when it comes to your sense of smell.

Which starts me thinking. I used to not be so sensitive to smell. When I was first pregnant with my son, I got the heightened sense of smell that most pregnant women get. I could smell that we were low on propane 2 weeks before we ran out. I could smell a skunk before it was anywhere near the house. But I had my son almost a year ago, and I'm still noticing the heightened sense. Maybe it's because he's breastfed; maybe that has kept the hormones in my body and I'm still getting "pregnancy perks".

But is it possible... could the sensitive sense of smell have triggered something in my body that is allowing my dreams to have an extra sense in them? For me to be able to smell my dreams?! And why is it always smoke? I don't recall any fire or smoke or oil in the dreams. So why smoke?

Anyone with any answers, I could really use some right now. Until I find out why I'm smelling my dreams, I'll pray for sweet dreams and peaceful nights (or at least sweet smelling dreams).

Garden Layout

Well, it's raining all day. I was hoping to work in my garden today, but since it's raining I decided to plan out the layout of my garden.

Originally, it was just a few tomato plants, some peppers, and some herbs. But I wanted a vineyard (well, really I just wanted a few grapes) so my hubby surprised me by bringing home 6 different types of grapes (2 of each) and some blueberry and raspberry bushes. I already had a lemon tree, which I planted in the corner of the yard, and I had already decided on a nice corner behind the house for my veggies. Well, we have a huge pasture beside the yard, and we decided that it would be a great place for a vineyard. So I mapped it all out on paint :)

Behind the house, I will have my garden. It will have 2 rows of 6 tomato plants per row. Then it will have a row of peppers, both 2 serrano and 3 jalapeno. Then a row of 9 green peppers, and it will end with a row of 9 red peppers. Along one side of the garden will be a planter box raised up 6 inches or so with parsley, sage, mint, and 2 types of basil. On the other side, between the fence and the garden, will be 2 lemon trees. On the other side of the fence, in line with the top lemon tree, will be 4 bushes. 2 Blueberry and 2 raspberry. On the other side of the bushes, in line with both lemon trees, will be 2 more trees but I'm not sure what kind they will be. I may go with more lemons, or limes, or I would love some grapefruit trees. And below the bushes, between the trees, is my vineyard. It's going to be 2 rows, 100 feet long each.

I have to see how the cows are around the grapes. If they spend too much time there or try to eat them, I will have to fence in the vineyard. In that case, I will fence around it and connect it to the yard fence, and there is a gate into the yard next to a lemon tree that I can take out, so I can walk straight into my vineyard from the back yard.

I'm not going to get any lemons this year, and I don't know about grapes just yet, but I know I already have a serrano pepper growing, and all of my serranos and jalapenos are flowering. I have a green pepper flowering too, and most of my tomatoes. So I am excited about growing some veggies... I have never been able to get anything to grow before. I used to have an English Ivy plant a few years ago... I couldnt even keep that alive. So wish me luck, and a good harvest!

Muscle over Mass

So I gained a pound yesterday. But it was muscle. I know because my legs just sort of feel stronger. I started using my Elliptical, too. My friend and my hubby went half and half to get it for me a few years ago, and although I do have phases in which I'm all about working out, for the most part it's been just sitting there. I think this blog is going to help me keep it up this time. I have my iPod, with new music on it and a lot of my favorite songs from Glee (Tuesdays at 9/8c on Fox!). My iPod even has movies on it for workout marathons. I meant to do some crunches too, but lost track of time before I was too tired to do them. So I'll get on that today. Not sure how many I'll start with, but even 10 is an improvement over none. I'm thinking about even doing some "military workouts". One of the few channels we get is a military channel, and twice a day they have bootcamp style workouts. But harder.

Besides the workout and weight stuff, I am so excited! My sister will be coming down to visit in 22 days! And my dad (who is bringing her) says that my brother should be with them when they drop her off. It's almost a requirement for my mental health to see my brother once a year MINIMUM.

Put in the A/C window unit in our bedroom last night. Thought we could go without it for a while longer, but I broke down 10 minutes after I laid down and was too hot to fall asleep. See, we don't have A/C out here. This house is like 100 years old, and it isn't insulated, so no one ever put in any air conditioning. Thought about getting a new water cooler for the living room. Cheaper than A/C but still cools you off a bit. Our bedroom is the only room in the house with an insulated wall, so it's the only one with an A/C right now, but we need to put one in the other bedroom now that we have a little boy to take care of. I woke him up last night to put in our bed since it really wasn't fair that we get to be cool and he had to sleep in his room with a tiny little fan. But tonight we will give him the big Stanley blower that we were using. It wasn't enough to blow across a King size bed and cool my husband and I, but it's plenty for a 1 year old in a crib. At least until my sister gets out here; then we may just buy another A/C after all. Thank god for ice and ice cream. And pools. We just got a little 10 foot around, 2 feet deep pool for the backyard to cool off during the day. When my sister gets out here, we'll get a bigger above ground pool. Anything to cool off. I feel bad for all our animals; all they can do is sit in the shade and drink water. They dont have fans and A/C, and they can sit in their water like a pool if they want to, but then they have to drink it. Poor animals.

Well, time to get on that elliptical! I will be 120 lbs this year!

My attitude shrank my stomach!

When I made breakfast this morning, I realized that I was full after eating one bagel. And for lunch, I only ate half a bowl of tuna helper. I couldnt even LOOK at the sausage I fixed without feeling like I would lose my lunch if I ate another bite. That's how full I was. I couldnt even eat very much dinner last night either. Way less than I usually would have eaten. I started to think back to what I've been eating, and how much I've been eating, and it hit me. I have been telling myself every day that I am going to eat normal portion sizes. I must have been eating less and less until I got down to single-serving portions, and now I'm eating the normal amount of food that one person should be eating, without even realizing it!

My mom was right. Every morning when you wake up, look in the mirror. Tell yourself how awesome you are. Tell yourself what you are going to accomplish; ensure yourself that you will, in fact, accomplish it. You know you will because you are awesome. Just keep positive, and know that you can do whatever you put your mind to, and every so often tell yourself again what you want to do. It WILL happen. I have been telling myself since January that I am going to get down to 120 lbs. I am going to slim down my waist. I am going to wear shorts. I am going to be able to wear size 7. And so far, I am at 144 lbs (lost 15; thats only 24 left to go), I have lost at least an inch off my waist (only 4 left to go), I am wearing shorts (as I'm typing this I'm in shorts), and I have already went from a size 13 to right now I'm in a size 10. And I'm eating normal sized portions, too. Just amazing.

Anyways, I just wanted to scream from a mountaintop how awesome I feel for being able to stop myself from over-eating. Eating too much should be listed as an addiction (if it isn't already). I'm proud that I dropped the habit :) Come on everyone, join me in my happiness. Stop eating more than you need to. Feel good about yourself, too. :)

Shopping

Okay, today was a MAJOR huge day. For me, anyways. Today was a milestone in my life; something I haven't done since I was probably about 13. I went clothes shopping.

Sure, I've bought some clothes over the years. I mean, it's been almost 10 years since I was 13, so yeah--I've bought some clothes. But today... I bought shorts. And what's more: I bought a bathing suit.

Mike took me out to the store, and I had my heart set on shorts. That is SO huge. What with my scars and all, I haven't so much as TOUCHED a pair of shorts all these years, except for when I was in boot camp and they made us wear shorts at PT lol. But that doesnt count. :) Besides, I always hated the look of my legs in shorts. My thighs were all like, HUGE and ugly and every other woman in the world seemed to have perfect legs. But since I've started to lose weight, I've started feeling better about myself. And since I've started feeling better about myself, I have the confidence to finally say, "I don't care what you think anymore, World. I'm going to wear shorts now. And you can't stop me."

I bought 3 pairs of mid-thigh comfy shorts, a pair of shorts kinda made out of thin-ish soft stuff, a pair of jean shorts, and a pair of workout shorts (for when I get on that elliptical). And OMG I now own a bathing suit. And it's a 2 piece, too! The top is kinda like a bikini top, but the straps in back are kinda like a sports bra. The bottom has the wraparound skirt thingy, so I still feel like I'm wearing more than I am lol. It's really pretty, lime green. I'm actually excited about wearing shorts, and being able to go to the beach. While I was trying on my new clothes, I got to see myself in a floor to ceiling mirror, and WOW I am not as fat as I always thought I was lol. I mean, when I look down at my own stomach I see this huge blob falling all over the place and hanging out like 20 inches over... but in the mirror I can see that it only hangs over like an inch. And I don't really have a second chin anymore LMAO

This has just made me feel so much better. Weighed again this morning, still 144 (good, with as much as I ate today!) and I even went so far as to measure my waist. I heard somewhere, I think from my mom, that your ideal waist size is half of your height. Well, I'm 5'2", so my ideal waist is 31". It's at 35" right now, which means I need to lose 4 inches from my waist! I think it should start dropping faster at my stomach once I start doing crunches and sit ups. I was going to start them today, but we were busy shopping :)

I still cant believe it. Shorts. Bathing suit. I am almost ready for summer. Ready for the river, or the beach, or a lake. Just ready to be seen in shorts, ready to have people see me in a bathing suit (which is going to be a much bigger deal than the shorts since it shows off my stomach). But just think; I've lost 15 lbs since January. And I think an inch off my waist at least. What can I do once I lose the other 24 lbs?!?! Good day.

Together By Myself

Well, we're home. I know it's only Saturday, but I couldn't sleep out there again. Maybe we'll go out there tomorrow, too. Just as long as I get to sleep on a nice, soft bed and not the ground. My back kills me after sleeping on the ground.

It was a pretty good time out on the River. The water was a little high, and the current was pretty strong, but all in all it was pretty good. I met my father-in-law's family, and we got along GREAT. I was afraid that after all this time with no human interaction, being stuck in the middle of nowhere, that my social skills would be way out of shape, but we were swapping Navy stories and talking about interests before I knew it. Which is a really good thing considering.

I was SO worried about my scars on my legs, and that turned out not to be a big deal at all. As a matter of fact, not a single comment about them. I was happy with that. My legs are socially acceptable! :) But then I noticed that no one was looking at me at all. And that meant that no one would watch my son, David, for me. I chased people around practically, asking for just a few minutes in the water or a few minutes to take down our tent or something. Just please would anyone in the world watch him long enough for me to PEE?! I didn't get to spend more than 10 minutes with my own husband the entire time we were there. Then there are people who have the audacity to comment on how my son needs to "be around other people more" and "you need to let other people watch him from time to time so he wont be a spoiled momma's boy". That really got me angry. If they want him to be around others so badly, why wont they watch him for a few minutes? I'm not asking them to hold him the whole time; he was playing in the sandbox. It got to the point where no one was listening when I asked them to babysit, even if just for a sec. The only way I got the tent packed up is by making sure he was in a safe spot, and walking away. I noticed when he started crying someone picked him up, then they started looking for me. Hypocrites.

Well, I did eventually get to have about 20 minutes in the water, and about 10 of that was with Mike. And I learned how to play "Spades" (the card game). Once my good mood started to wear off, I began to think that for the next 11 years I would have nothing but me and David together but I would always be by myself while a group has fun doing what they want to. It would always end up with me watching kids (mostly my own David). But what kept me sane? I'm not sure I am. All I know is that I was so overwhelmed with nothing to do but watch the kids, and David always wanting to be held by his mommy, that I cried. I went to our truck, away from everything, and I cried for at least 20 minutes. By the way, thanks Jimmy. If it wasnt for you, I would have thrown something. Thanks for listening. I needed to just vent for a few minutes.

As for the best news I have yet. After a weekend of camping and swimming upriver and fighting the current, my scale now weights me in at 144 lbs! That is prepregnancy weight! That is awesome. 7 more lbs and I will be premilitary weight! I was at 137 when I joined the military. I would feel SO good if I could get to that again. I'm almost there. I'm still not sure what I'm doing to lose weight. Maybe eating less or cook smaller portions. And being active.

I am SO exhausted right now. Didn't get hardly any sleep at all. Went to bed around 2:30am, then at 3:30am a few guys started singing songs from The Sound of Music. It was funny, and annoying, but between the singing and the mosquitoes and the rock hard ground, it will be nice to sleep in my bed. And sleep knowing I weigh a bit less, and no one was looking at my legs. :)

Scars on the Water

This weekend my husband is taking me and our son David out camping on the Brazos River. We are going to be with my mother-in-law, her husband, and his family. It should be fun; fishing, camping, grilling, eating... we're even bringing our little dog, Lizzy. She's half schnauzer and half dachshund and she LOVES to swim.

But I'm nervous. See, I have these scars. They're all over my legs, and quite a few on my arms. I wish I could say I had no control over them, like "they're from a fire" or "doused in boiling water" or something... but no, these are my own fault. I didn't put them there myself, not really. I used to get bit by a lot of fleas, mosquitoes, ants, and chiggers. Itchy stuff. And I scratched. I scratched and scratched until I was raw and bleeding, then once they scabbed over... I scratched some more. So in a way, I gave myself every scar.

Since we're going to a river, you can imagine I will have to be seen in shorts. I refuse to wear less than shorts (no bathing suit this time around) until I have lost a few more pounds (notice I am very self conscious, but quite optimistic) but shorts themselves are enough. Everyone will see my legs. And the scars.

I know that since it's my own body, I will scrutinize it more than anyone else. I mean, no one is looking at my legs through a microscope, and not nearly as closely as I am. But I see so many. I thought that maybe if I didn't get any sunlight, my legs would be white and you wouldn't be able to see the scars. But I tried it, and the scars stand out kinda pinkish. So I thought maybe I would get a tan, and they will fade away. But then they stand out kinda white. I recently started putting a lotion on them each night before bed but I haven't done it in the last few weeks. I need to. Looking at them at this exact minute... they don't look so bad. Maybe it's the lighting. Maybe since I haven't scratched all year they are starting to heal. I can only hope. But they are still there, and I can still see them. And others will, too.

When I had my son, I didn't really think about it. No nurse is looking at your legs when a baby is about to pop out. But mine did. They were telling me that I would have my son that night, and one nurse said, "Oh my god! What happened to your legs?!" It was embarrassing, even though I was the only one in the room at the time. What are they gonna say this weekend?

PS: Scale read out 146.8 lbs this morning. Same time every morning, lower and lower it gets. I was about 144 when I was 6 weeks pregnant. I'm almost at prepregnancy weight!

The Good to Counter the Bad

Well, there have been a few good things going on lately that make the bad things seem a little less frightening.

My weight is no longer 159 lbs. As a matter of fact, it's currently 148 lbs. Yay! Since January I have lost 11 lbs, and the last pound was over this past week. It's pretty slow going... I'm estimating about 2 lbs a month. But who can complain when the numbers don't go as high as they used to? If I can get down to 137 again, I will be at the same weight I was when I married my husband. That should make him happy :) even though he tells me that he loves me no matter what I weigh, and that he thinks I look great. I think he's lying :) lol

I wish I could try "diet and exercise." I hear that's the best and healthiest way to lose weight. Except that I'm already becoming so active taking care of the animals, I dont know if my back or legs could take the extra exercise. The fact that I just said that shows how lazy I am at heart. That has GOT to change. I also want to try going on a diet. I thought of doing "The Special K Challenge" except that I am still breastfeeding my son, which means no diet for me just yet. I don't want to rob him of nutrition that he really needs from me.

I have decided to start doing crunches and sit ups. I dont think I have to start with a whole lot. Maybe 20 of each every day? That should be a good little boost to my weight loss, and maybe even start getting rid of this belly of mine. I'm even considering pulling out the old Dance Dance Revolution and getting back on Workout Mode. At the same time, I am trying VERY hard to watch what I eat. I refuse to give up any of my favorite foods, and being stubborn like that means I will have to work extra hard to get the weight off and keep it off. So I have minimized my portion sizes. I was eating enough to feed a family of 4. On my own! Hey, I'm italian. I like food. But I'm going to try to like it a little less.

The animals are doing better, too. I get outside every day to care for them. I have set myself a sort of schedule; feed one day, water the next, repeat. They all have feeders and waterers, but they eat a lot and it's summer so water goes by fast. Plus we have a hundred little chicks running around that fit into the wire on the cages of our breeders, which means feeding them much more often and much more feed. It gets me so frustrated! Always having to pull chicks out of pens. But in the last month I have not lost a single older bird, and we actually have a bunch of pheasant chicks alive! And another plus: I'm noticing an increased hatch rate in the pheasant eggs since we bought a hatcher. Go figure. But very good; pheasants sell high.

My garden... not much new there. I have a serrano pepper! It's not big enough to pick yet, and surprisingly it has not a single aphid on it. My other pepper plants are very promising. They all have the little buds on them that will hopefully become little serrano peppers and little jalapenos. And I have a flower on one of my tomato plants! But I'm not getting my hopes up just yet for a tomato. The plants themselves are only a foot tall. I think they still have some growing to do. But my poor parsley... the tag said they need shade, and they're indoors still, but they're dying. I water them the same as my garden outside, and the basil and mint and sage all seem to be doing well. But they said they needed sun. Does parsley actually need more sunlight?

Alright, I think thats more than enough for today. Maybe something else will start looking up by tomorrow.

What's happened so far this year

So... this is my blog. Well, allow me to catch you up on what has been going on so far this year. For starters, you need to know that I'm married and have a son. I live out in central Texas on 134 acres. I have a lot of animals.

This year, I have made a lot of changes to my attitude and my lifestyle. I have always been a very "laid back" person; I never did any physical activity besides walking to the next room or walking to the bus stop in high school, and I always ate whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted it. Well, in November we purchased a Nintendo Wii, and in January we visited my mother-in-law's house and saw that she also had purchased a Wii. Not only that, but she even bought a Wii Balance Board and Wii Fit Plus. I was excited to try it out, but I was very very put down by what the game told me.

Just to be clear: yes, my self esteem took a sharp drop because of a video game.

The Wii told me that my ideal body mass was 120 lbs. You can imagine how upset I was that I weighed 159 lbs at the time. A video game was telling me that I was 39 lbs overweight, right on the edge of obesity! Total crash and mental meltdown. Dear God, I'm fat. Fat people are just not attractive to me. I'm fat and ugly. Great. Thanks, video game. Great boost to my confidence. And here I'm thinking, how can my husband love me so much when I'm so much bigger than I should be? When I'm so much bigger than when we got married?

On top of that, my husband and I breed birds. All sorts of birds: chickens, ducks, geese, guineas, pheasants, turkeys, peacocks, quail, doves... lots of them. Well, the spring brings lots of eggs to be incubated. The incubator brings lots of baby chicks to take care of. It's my job to care for all the animals while my husband is at work every day. As adorable as baby chicks are, they're also very easy to kill. On accident! I have a trio of buff laced polish chickens. Only 2 hens, so I dont really get a whole bunch of polish chicks each year. Well, they are very fragile chicks. I have ONE semi older chick alive still, and 5 baby chicks that just hatched out this week. I had 7. They keep dying. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but they're my pride and joy chickens and they dont want to live when they know I'm their owner. It's very depressing.

All year, we have hatched chicks. The ducklings do well, until I miss a single day of watering them. Then they drop like flies. The pheasants, when they even decide to hatch, live about 3 days. My little seramas are finally all hatching, but dying within 24 hours, except for 3 so far. And as I said, my polish arent making it. It's like I can't keep anything alive.

My garden? It consists of 5 herbs, 4 types of peppers, and tomatoes. My tomatoes seem to be alright, my peppers are covered in aphids, and my herbs are still a little shaky. But so far, nothing dead. My guess is because they are now outside. These are the first plants I have EVER been able to keep alive. I couldnt even keep an English Ivy alive longer than a week. I'm pathetic. Honestly, a blind 4 year old could do better.

Well, that's a brief overview of a few major things in my life that have brought me down. My weight, my animals, and my garden. Oh, don't start telling me it's not that bad. There's more. But we'll get to them when we get there.