My attitude shrank my stomach!

When I made breakfast this morning, I realized that I was full after eating one bagel. And for lunch, I only ate half a bowl of tuna helper. I couldnt even LOOK at the sausage I fixed without feeling like I would lose my lunch if I ate another bite. That's how full I was. I couldnt even eat very much dinner last night either. Way less than I usually would have eaten. I started to think back to what I've been eating, and how much I've been eating, and it hit me. I have been telling myself every day that I am going to eat normal portion sizes. I must have been eating less and less until I got down to single-serving portions, and now I'm eating the normal amount of food that one person should be eating, without even realizing it!

My mom was right. Every morning when you wake up, look in the mirror. Tell yourself how awesome you are. Tell yourself what you are going to accomplish; ensure yourself that you will, in fact, accomplish it. You know you will because you are awesome. Just keep positive, and know that you can do whatever you put your mind to, and every so often tell yourself again what you want to do. It WILL happen. I have been telling myself since January that I am going to get down to 120 lbs. I am going to slim down my waist. I am going to wear shorts. I am going to be able to wear size 7. And so far, I am at 144 lbs (lost 15; thats only 24 left to go), I have lost at least an inch off my waist (only 4 left to go), I am wearing shorts (as I'm typing this I'm in shorts), and I have already went from a size 13 to right now I'm in a size 10. And I'm eating normal sized portions, too. Just amazing.

Anyways, I just wanted to scream from a mountaintop how awesome I feel for being able to stop myself from over-eating. Eating too much should be listed as an addiction (if it isn't already). I'm proud that I dropped the habit :) Come on everyone, join me in my happiness. Stop eating more than you need to. Feel good about yourself, too. :)

Shopping

Okay, today was a MAJOR huge day. For me, anyways. Today was a milestone in my life; something I haven't done since I was probably about 13. I went clothes shopping.

Sure, I've bought some clothes over the years. I mean, it's been almost 10 years since I was 13, so yeah--I've bought some clothes. But today... I bought shorts. And what's more: I bought a bathing suit.

Mike took me out to the store, and I had my heart set on shorts. That is SO huge. What with my scars and all, I haven't so much as TOUCHED a pair of shorts all these years, except for when I was in boot camp and they made us wear shorts at PT lol. But that doesnt count. :) Besides, I always hated the look of my legs in shorts. My thighs were all like, HUGE and ugly and every other woman in the world seemed to have perfect legs. But since I've started to lose weight, I've started feeling better about myself. And since I've started feeling better about myself, I have the confidence to finally say, "I don't care what you think anymore, World. I'm going to wear shorts now. And you can't stop me."

I bought 3 pairs of mid-thigh comfy shorts, a pair of shorts kinda made out of thin-ish soft stuff, a pair of jean shorts, and a pair of workout shorts (for when I get on that elliptical). And OMG I now own a bathing suit. And it's a 2 piece, too! The top is kinda like a bikini top, but the straps in back are kinda like a sports bra. The bottom has the wraparound skirt thingy, so I still feel like I'm wearing more than I am lol. It's really pretty, lime green. I'm actually excited about wearing shorts, and being able to go to the beach. While I was trying on my new clothes, I got to see myself in a floor to ceiling mirror, and WOW I am not as fat as I always thought I was lol. I mean, when I look down at my own stomach I see this huge blob falling all over the place and hanging out like 20 inches over... but in the mirror I can see that it only hangs over like an inch. And I don't really have a second chin anymore LMAO

This has just made me feel so much better. Weighed again this morning, still 144 (good, with as much as I ate today!) and I even went so far as to measure my waist. I heard somewhere, I think from my mom, that your ideal waist size is half of your height. Well, I'm 5'2", so my ideal waist is 31". It's at 35" right now, which means I need to lose 4 inches from my waist! I think it should start dropping faster at my stomach once I start doing crunches and sit ups. I was going to start them today, but we were busy shopping :)

I still cant believe it. Shorts. Bathing suit. I am almost ready for summer. Ready for the river, or the beach, or a lake. Just ready to be seen in shorts, ready to have people see me in a bathing suit (which is going to be a much bigger deal than the shorts since it shows off my stomach). But just think; I've lost 15 lbs since January. And I think an inch off my waist at least. What can I do once I lose the other 24 lbs?!?! Good day.

Together By Myself

Well, we're home. I know it's only Saturday, but I couldn't sleep out there again. Maybe we'll go out there tomorrow, too. Just as long as I get to sleep on a nice, soft bed and not the ground. My back kills me after sleeping on the ground.

It was a pretty good time out on the River. The water was a little high, and the current was pretty strong, but all in all it was pretty good. I met my father-in-law's family, and we got along GREAT. I was afraid that after all this time with no human interaction, being stuck in the middle of nowhere, that my social skills would be way out of shape, but we were swapping Navy stories and talking about interests before I knew it. Which is a really good thing considering.

I was SO worried about my scars on my legs, and that turned out not to be a big deal at all. As a matter of fact, not a single comment about them. I was happy with that. My legs are socially acceptable! :) But then I noticed that no one was looking at me at all. And that meant that no one would watch my son, David, for me. I chased people around practically, asking for just a few minutes in the water or a few minutes to take down our tent or something. Just please would anyone in the world watch him long enough for me to PEE?! I didn't get to spend more than 10 minutes with my own husband the entire time we were there. Then there are people who have the audacity to comment on how my son needs to "be around other people more" and "you need to let other people watch him from time to time so he wont be a spoiled momma's boy". That really got me angry. If they want him to be around others so badly, why wont they watch him for a few minutes? I'm not asking them to hold him the whole time; he was playing in the sandbox. It got to the point where no one was listening when I asked them to babysit, even if just for a sec. The only way I got the tent packed up is by making sure he was in a safe spot, and walking away. I noticed when he started crying someone picked him up, then they started looking for me. Hypocrites.

Well, I did eventually get to have about 20 minutes in the water, and about 10 of that was with Mike. And I learned how to play "Spades" (the card game). Once my good mood started to wear off, I began to think that for the next 11 years I would have nothing but me and David together but I would always be by myself while a group has fun doing what they want to. It would always end up with me watching kids (mostly my own David). But what kept me sane? I'm not sure I am. All I know is that I was so overwhelmed with nothing to do but watch the kids, and David always wanting to be held by his mommy, that I cried. I went to our truck, away from everything, and I cried for at least 20 minutes. By the way, thanks Jimmy. If it wasnt for you, I would have thrown something. Thanks for listening. I needed to just vent for a few minutes.

As for the best news I have yet. After a weekend of camping and swimming upriver and fighting the current, my scale now weights me in at 144 lbs! That is prepregnancy weight! That is awesome. 7 more lbs and I will be premilitary weight! I was at 137 when I joined the military. I would feel SO good if I could get to that again. I'm almost there. I'm still not sure what I'm doing to lose weight. Maybe eating less or cook smaller portions. And being active.

I am SO exhausted right now. Didn't get hardly any sleep at all. Went to bed around 2:30am, then at 3:30am a few guys started singing songs from The Sound of Music. It was funny, and annoying, but between the singing and the mosquitoes and the rock hard ground, it will be nice to sleep in my bed. And sleep knowing I weigh a bit less, and no one was looking at my legs. :)

Scars on the Water

This weekend my husband is taking me and our son David out camping on the Brazos River. We are going to be with my mother-in-law, her husband, and his family. It should be fun; fishing, camping, grilling, eating... we're even bringing our little dog, Lizzy. She's half schnauzer and half dachshund and she LOVES to swim.

But I'm nervous. See, I have these scars. They're all over my legs, and quite a few on my arms. I wish I could say I had no control over them, like "they're from a fire" or "doused in boiling water" or something... but no, these are my own fault. I didn't put them there myself, not really. I used to get bit by a lot of fleas, mosquitoes, ants, and chiggers. Itchy stuff. And I scratched. I scratched and scratched until I was raw and bleeding, then once they scabbed over... I scratched some more. So in a way, I gave myself every scar.

Since we're going to a river, you can imagine I will have to be seen in shorts. I refuse to wear less than shorts (no bathing suit this time around) until I have lost a few more pounds (notice I am very self conscious, but quite optimistic) but shorts themselves are enough. Everyone will see my legs. And the scars.

I know that since it's my own body, I will scrutinize it more than anyone else. I mean, no one is looking at my legs through a microscope, and not nearly as closely as I am. But I see so many. I thought that maybe if I didn't get any sunlight, my legs would be white and you wouldn't be able to see the scars. But I tried it, and the scars stand out kinda pinkish. So I thought maybe I would get a tan, and they will fade away. But then they stand out kinda white. I recently started putting a lotion on them each night before bed but I haven't done it in the last few weeks. I need to. Looking at them at this exact minute... they don't look so bad. Maybe it's the lighting. Maybe since I haven't scratched all year they are starting to heal. I can only hope. But they are still there, and I can still see them. And others will, too.

When I had my son, I didn't really think about it. No nurse is looking at your legs when a baby is about to pop out. But mine did. They were telling me that I would have my son that night, and one nurse said, "Oh my god! What happened to your legs?!" It was embarrassing, even though I was the only one in the room at the time. What are they gonna say this weekend?

PS: Scale read out 146.8 lbs this morning. Same time every morning, lower and lower it gets. I was about 144 when I was 6 weeks pregnant. I'm almost at prepregnancy weight!

The Good to Counter the Bad

Well, there have been a few good things going on lately that make the bad things seem a little less frightening.

My weight is no longer 159 lbs. As a matter of fact, it's currently 148 lbs. Yay! Since January I have lost 11 lbs, and the last pound was over this past week. It's pretty slow going... I'm estimating about 2 lbs a month. But who can complain when the numbers don't go as high as they used to? If I can get down to 137 again, I will be at the same weight I was when I married my husband. That should make him happy :) even though he tells me that he loves me no matter what I weigh, and that he thinks I look great. I think he's lying :) lol

I wish I could try "diet and exercise." I hear that's the best and healthiest way to lose weight. Except that I'm already becoming so active taking care of the animals, I dont know if my back or legs could take the extra exercise. The fact that I just said that shows how lazy I am at heart. That has GOT to change. I also want to try going on a diet. I thought of doing "The Special K Challenge" except that I am still breastfeeding my son, which means no diet for me just yet. I don't want to rob him of nutrition that he really needs from me.

I have decided to start doing crunches and sit ups. I dont think I have to start with a whole lot. Maybe 20 of each every day? That should be a good little boost to my weight loss, and maybe even start getting rid of this belly of mine. I'm even considering pulling out the old Dance Dance Revolution and getting back on Workout Mode. At the same time, I am trying VERY hard to watch what I eat. I refuse to give up any of my favorite foods, and being stubborn like that means I will have to work extra hard to get the weight off and keep it off. So I have minimized my portion sizes. I was eating enough to feed a family of 4. On my own! Hey, I'm italian. I like food. But I'm going to try to like it a little less.

The animals are doing better, too. I get outside every day to care for them. I have set myself a sort of schedule; feed one day, water the next, repeat. They all have feeders and waterers, but they eat a lot and it's summer so water goes by fast. Plus we have a hundred little chicks running around that fit into the wire on the cages of our breeders, which means feeding them much more often and much more feed. It gets me so frustrated! Always having to pull chicks out of pens. But in the last month I have not lost a single older bird, and we actually have a bunch of pheasant chicks alive! And another plus: I'm noticing an increased hatch rate in the pheasant eggs since we bought a hatcher. Go figure. But very good; pheasants sell high.

My garden... not much new there. I have a serrano pepper! It's not big enough to pick yet, and surprisingly it has not a single aphid on it. My other pepper plants are very promising. They all have the little buds on them that will hopefully become little serrano peppers and little jalapenos. And I have a flower on one of my tomato plants! But I'm not getting my hopes up just yet for a tomato. The plants themselves are only a foot tall. I think they still have some growing to do. But my poor parsley... the tag said they need shade, and they're indoors still, but they're dying. I water them the same as my garden outside, and the basil and mint and sage all seem to be doing well. But they said they needed sun. Does parsley actually need more sunlight?

Alright, I think thats more than enough for today. Maybe something else will start looking up by tomorrow.

What's happened so far this year

So... this is my blog. Well, allow me to catch you up on what has been going on so far this year. For starters, you need to know that I'm married and have a son. I live out in central Texas on 134 acres. I have a lot of animals.

This year, I have made a lot of changes to my attitude and my lifestyle. I have always been a very "laid back" person; I never did any physical activity besides walking to the next room or walking to the bus stop in high school, and I always ate whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted it. Well, in November we purchased a Nintendo Wii, and in January we visited my mother-in-law's house and saw that she also had purchased a Wii. Not only that, but she even bought a Wii Balance Board and Wii Fit Plus. I was excited to try it out, but I was very very put down by what the game told me.

Just to be clear: yes, my self esteem took a sharp drop because of a video game.

The Wii told me that my ideal body mass was 120 lbs. You can imagine how upset I was that I weighed 159 lbs at the time. A video game was telling me that I was 39 lbs overweight, right on the edge of obesity! Total crash and mental meltdown. Dear God, I'm fat. Fat people are just not attractive to me. I'm fat and ugly. Great. Thanks, video game. Great boost to my confidence. And here I'm thinking, how can my husband love me so much when I'm so much bigger than I should be? When I'm so much bigger than when we got married?

On top of that, my husband and I breed birds. All sorts of birds: chickens, ducks, geese, guineas, pheasants, turkeys, peacocks, quail, doves... lots of them. Well, the spring brings lots of eggs to be incubated. The incubator brings lots of baby chicks to take care of. It's my job to care for all the animals while my husband is at work every day. As adorable as baby chicks are, they're also very easy to kill. On accident! I have a trio of buff laced polish chickens. Only 2 hens, so I dont really get a whole bunch of polish chicks each year. Well, they are very fragile chicks. I have ONE semi older chick alive still, and 5 baby chicks that just hatched out this week. I had 7. They keep dying. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but they're my pride and joy chickens and they dont want to live when they know I'm their owner. It's very depressing.

All year, we have hatched chicks. The ducklings do well, until I miss a single day of watering them. Then they drop like flies. The pheasants, when they even decide to hatch, live about 3 days. My little seramas are finally all hatching, but dying within 24 hours, except for 3 so far. And as I said, my polish arent making it. It's like I can't keep anything alive.

My garden? It consists of 5 herbs, 4 types of peppers, and tomatoes. My tomatoes seem to be alright, my peppers are covered in aphids, and my herbs are still a little shaky. But so far, nothing dead. My guess is because they are now outside. These are the first plants I have EVER been able to keep alive. I couldnt even keep an English Ivy alive longer than a week. I'm pathetic. Honestly, a blind 4 year old could do better.

Well, that's a brief overview of a few major things in my life that have brought me down. My weight, my animals, and my garden. Oh, don't start telling me it's not that bad. There's more. But we'll get to them when we get there.