New Year's Resolution 2014

Another year is about to pass. It's usually around this time that I start thinking about a resolution.

Most New Year's resolutions are either impractical, or reach too high to ever succeed. I always look to set a goal that will benefit me in more ways than one, and often times goals that will benefit others. This year, I will be selfish... I strive to make myself a better person. I want to use the knowledge of my past to put life lessons into practice. I want to make drastic changes that are gradual enough to achieve. I want those I care about--and who care about me--to know that I have heard them; that their advice and compliments and deep conversations were not lost on me.

To achieve these ends I shall declare three resolutions in lieu of one. One goal for my body physically, to become healthier and more active. One goal for my heart emotionally, to regain precious self esteem and confidence. One goal for my mind spiritually, to expand my knowledge and fill a void.

1. Physically. My goal here is in two parts... to drink a glass of water every day, and to perform some measure of exercise each day. This can be for 5 minutes or an hour, however much I feel like that day. Every small bit is a step more than I otherwise would have taken, which benefits me in the end. Naturally, I hope to lose weight and fit back into a smaller size, but the goal is health, and any weight loss is just a bonus.

2. Emotionally. At least once a week, I will look into a mirror and remember what has been told to me over the years--the compliments and arguements for my self worth. Each time I do this, I will write one down and reflect on it, and try to see what they see. Then I will link them together and hang them somewhere I can see them every day. I need to learn to look past the flaws they never saw, through the scars they couldn't see, and accept myself for who I am... love myself  for who I am.
There are a few specific people throughout my life who have inspired this goal, whose love fought against my strong-willed doubt. I dont want that to have been in vain. Two of these people I have lost this year; the boy who gave me the world, and the man who made me feel like I was the only person in his world. They showed me I am special, and I am beautiful, and I am not worthless. That I was thought of every day, that someone can get lost in my smile (and tell the difference in my smiles), that talking to me can make someone's day better, and even that in their eyes, hey, One Direction wrote a song about me.
My hubby has been trying to get me to see these things for years. After this long, its about time I give myself a real chance to accept these things.

3. Spiritually. Throughout the year, I want to study Wicca and complete my study of the Major Arcana in my Tarot deck. I have never allowed myself to connect to anything or anyone on a spiritual level, but I have noticed that when I study my cards, I feel calm and hopeful. Spirituality is an area in my mind that I have avoided, but I'm reaching the age where I no longer care what people think about my choice of Faith, and I will walk any path along which I am comfortable. Wicca is the closest to my personal beliefs, and I am interested in furthering my understanding of Wiccan ways.

If I can follow these three goals throughout the year, my hope is that I will be healthier, I will accept myself, and I will have something to help guide me. Only one of these will change my daily habits--and that is the exercise. Granted, the water is daily as well, but getting a drink each day is already habit... I simply must make the choice to drink water. Even if I fall behind a bit, as long as I do my best, I will still be on the right path. ♥

Kid Karma: TV and Imaginary Bridges

Well, it's happening again. My kids are paying me back for my childhood.

Today, as I'm sitting in my chair crocheting, I have passed the Wii remote to my four year old so he can have control of Netflix for a while. The boys have their own profile, set up for kids, so I dont have to worry about them watching any adult shows. Unfortunately, it doesnt  filter out the shows with no educational value whatsoever.

I'm reminded of my own childhood, every time my parents told me to turn off some stupid show, or made fun of what I was watching, or just flat out disapproved. As my son jumps up and down on the couch cheering for "Codename: Kids Next Door"--a show I used to watch as a kid--I realize just how bad of an influence the show is. They encourage kids to ignore and disrespect adults, throw things at them, refuse vegetables, live off candy and sodas, and disregard all responsibility or thought for their future. It really makes me miss Tad's annoying voice on Leapfrog shows. At least those are actually educational.

I really would love to take a moment to throw this out there... Leapfrog movies and games are AMAZING. Thanks to the Leapfrog movies, my kids (ages 2 and 4) both know their alphabet, the sounds each letter makes, which letters are vowels, their numbers up to 20, and their shapes. I highly recommend Leapfrog to anyone, the movies arent very long and they can hold kids' attention spans longer than most shows. My kids are ready for school, and my oldest still has half a year before he starts.


The past week, Kid Karma has been kicking me in the lower back, too. That is, my back hurts from constantly bending over to clean up and refold my husband's work pants. My kids seem to think my bedroom floor shouldnt be stepped on, and the only way to get around in the room is to build a bridge. Every time I ask my oldest why the pants are all over the floor, the answer is the same... "we built a bridge mommy."

They are driving me crazy, and I'm sick of picking up the same pairs of pants every day, if not two to three times a day. But the imaginary apple doesnt fall far from the tree... when I was a kid, I used to line my mom's books and VHS tapes along the floor to avoid falling in the lava (i.e. stepping on the carpet). I used to get into so much trouble for that... but I still never listened. So I know what is going through my kids' heads, and no amount of punishment is stopping them. I just have to keep trying, and wait till they grow out of it.


Mom, dad, I am SO sorry for every idiotic useless show I watched that did nothing but rot my brain. I am sooooo sorry for every time I walked across your books and movies. Part of me wants to be defensive and say that it's your fault you had a lava floor... haha, but I know I should have used something less breakable. Like pillows.

Karma always comes back around, kids... next time you dont listen to your parents, just you wait! Your kids will show you how it feels soon enough.

My Winter Habits

Every winter, I get into a very confusing state of activity. It's the time of year where I get the urge to be active and the desire to be lazy simultaneously. Lady Winter, she comes... and she's-a comin' in fast! So it's time for me to start figuring out what sort of habits to set into motion.

Our house doesn't have central heating. So on cold winter mornings, I need to get up early (or at least, before the kids are up, and preferably a half an hour before I'm even up, if that were possible! haha) and get a fire started in the woodstove to heat the house. Of course, as much as I'd love to do so, I'd also love to sleep in past noon. I don't have anywhere to be anyways, except maybe once a month.

I have this eating habit, where during the hot months I don't get hungry at all, and during the winter months I'm consistently hungry throughout the day. It's not healthy, and most of the time it's subconscious, and I don't realize I'm doing it.

I think I can safely lay some of the blame for my winter eating on the television; there's not much else to do when it's too cold to go outside, so we tend to group up in the living room (near the wood stove) and surf through Netflix and our overflowing movie shelves.

As much time as you'd think I'd have in winter, I should be getting more writing done in my book. I can never seem to focus enough--especially while chasing down active kids and cleaning the house--and always remind myself that there is no rush. It doesn't change the fact that my book isn't going to write itself, but I know I'll have a little time here and there to pick it up and get a few pages done.

Then I have my games. I love my tablet, and it has a lot of useful apps including internet, camera, calendar, and notepad... but it also has a lot of fun games. Now, I'm not going to list ALL my favorite games, but I will tell you the ones I'm currently obsessed with. They are TeamLava games: Bakery Story, Restaurant Story, and Dragon Story. In the first two you run a bakery and a restaurant, designing them and preparing food for your customers, and in the last one you own a chain of islands and raise and breed dragons. Cute little games for sure (and if anyone picks them up, feel free to add me on any of them, my ID is CrystalHPK).

I also get caught up baking. Running the oven is a great way to heat the kitchen, and with my winter hunger, there are a lot of new recipes I like to play with. This winter might be a good time to type up all the recipes I've added throughout the year and file them into my cookbook (my grandmother made it for me when I got my own kitchen, and I'd like to keep it organized).

Between the cooking and the eating and the oversleeping, it's a good thing that I also get the winter urge to work out! I have an exercise bike and an elliptical, and last winter I used the two of them to work off 30 lbs! It's no secret that over summer (and with the return of my depression) I gained a little weight back. Nothing more than I've weighed before, but enough to be discouraging. So I'm excited to get back into my workouts and get things moving again (and the pants size dropping again!).

I've happily decided to combine some of these things to allow for all of my winter habits. Whenever I am watching TV or playing my tablet games, I will be on a workout machine. It's too easy for me to sit on the couch and get lost in my games for hours at a time, so this way I will be productive during the times when I am being lazy. ;)

Of course, there will be a few things I can't do while I work out, like my Italian lessons or studying my tarot cards. Those require full focus and attention, and preferably a flat stationary surface. But this is a great start, and it's not much of a lifestyle change, so I don't feel like I'm taking on too much at once, and it helps alleviate the guilt I feel at my lack of physical activity. Mainly since there's not going to be a lack anymore. ^_^

Well, those are my plans anyways. What are some of your winter habits? Are there any changes you'd like to make?

In Loving Memory of Terry Martin

November. They say this is a month of giving, and of being thankful for what we have. For me, this is also a month of remembrance.

On Sunday, I lost someone very dear to me due to complications with diabetes. It was my friend Terry Martin. I've been having a hard time accepting it, and I'd imagine I'm not the only one. But I have something that no one else has... I have my memories.

Terry and his Mom

Terry was one of my best friends. He has been there for me since childhood when our parents worked together, and we grew up side by side. We attended the same middle school,  the same high school,  and even worked together at K-Mart. Our lifelong friendship extended beyond school and into "real life", and even stretched across the country when I joined the military, got married, and moved to Texas. No matter how far apart we were physically,  he was always in my heart and I knew I was always in his.

I started this post Monday morning. I knew that I would write it, but I didn't think it would be so hard. This is for him, and I want to get the words right... but I know he always understood what I was trying to say even when I couldn't explain. This will most likely be one of those times.

It's funny what we remember after someone is gone; the littlest things suddenly seem so big, and nothing goes in order any more. But I don't suppose you can organize things like this... your mind and heart have their own method to the madness, and all you can do is enjoy the ride. This was my ride, and so some of it might seem trivial or selfish, but it mattered to me, and that's all that really matters at all.


For me, this ride begins on a schoolbus to Colonial High School. You see, with both of the people I thought I'd know forever, we grew up together and our parents were friends, but the memories with them both begin in high school. It's like, we rediscover each other and form our own bonds before our parents remind us that we aren't coming together, but that we are reuniting after a while apart. I look forward to our next reunion, because I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. A lifetime's worth.

I just need to take a second here to catch myself; sometimes when I think about how much longer my life might still be--that I hope it might still be--I become afraid that I might forget him. The fear doesn't last long though, because I know I could never forget someone who had such an impact on my life.

Anyways, the bus. He used to ride the same bus as I did, when he lived down the street. He would sit near the front with our friend Renee. They were the nerdiest, geekiest people on that bus... which naturally made them the only people worth talking to. Terry was part of what I looked forward to on the bus rides, because after a day of getting teased and picked on at school, I could always count on Terry to treat me like a normal person. I mean, sure, he teased me too... but always nicely, and he always made me laugh. Ah, nerds. Terry was the first computer "hacker" I knew--he could solve any technical issue and find anything on the internet. And if it didn't exist, he'd turn up with something even better. Before my brother picked up computers, Terry was my go-to-guy for anything virtual, and he taught me most of the computer skills I carry with me today, including DOSBOX and how to get torrents and what to do with an ISO.

Terry and I hung out in almost the same group in school, too. Though he would often wander the campus with some of his friends during the lunch hour (Bailey being the one he spent most of his time with), I typically stayed in one area, with the outcast nerds, (sadly) the perverted virgins, and the girls who might not have been cheerleaders or dance captains, but they were the sweetest people you'd ever meet and worth more time than I gave them. Terry and his friends would wander over to our area and hang out with us a few times a week. High school is funny that way... you get so caught up in the drama you try to avoid, that you end up creating even more drama. Terry and I had our own WORLD of drama... but hardly anyone else ever saw it unless they were really looking.

Terry loved me. So much. He told me so in high school, and that feeling never once seemed to ebb. Even when I dated idiots who treated me less than he would have, even when I got married, and even when my life had progressed beyond any hope that I would be with him. He still loved me, and always let me know that it didn't matter, because the only thing he cared about was my happiness. If I had that, then he said he could live without me. And I can't even begin to express the pain that caused me in itself, because for years I struggled with the idea of being with him, and every time I just couldn't commit to anything because he was too good of a friend, too good of a person to waste on someone like me, and because somehow my mind had securely locked him in the friendzone. How often do you hear about that happening?! I never knew it could until I felt it myself. That feeling when you know for a FACT that someone is the best match for you, and that no one in the world would ever treat you as good as they will... but no matter how much you love them, you just dont feel it the way they want you to.

Oh, but I loved him so. And I can't imagine he knew just how deeply. It might not have been the way a wife loves a husband, or even the way a sister loves a brother. It was just there, like it was meant to be. I know we weren't the only ones who saw it either. Twice (at least) I remember my dad suggesting Terry as a boyfriend, asking why not when I said no. Sorry dad, it's hard enough to explain even now, how could I have explained as a teenager?

The memories surpassed all drama. In the end, for me, nothing else matters but the incredible memories that--although they might seem like nothing--helped shape me into who I am, and it's because of Terry that I had a strong foundation to build self esteem on. I still lack in that department, but the foundation is there all the same.

Terry's High School Yearbook Photo, 11th Grade I think.

Terry and I fit together better than peanut butter and jelly. One year, as a Valentine's Day fundraiser event, the school put out a compatibility test. Take the test, submit your answers, and on Valentine's Day, you could pay $2 to get your results. Not surprisingly,  Terry and I were 98% perfect for each other. Even the best couples in school weren't that compatible! At one point I remember going through his iPod in his truck, while we were headed to Waterford Lakes, and being completely floored by the similarity to my own iPod. It might not seem important, but I know for a fact that the music on my iPod is so random and completely mixed up, between genres, years, artists, beats... no one in their right mind listens to that exact same variety of those exact same songs and types... no one, that is, except Terry. Even the most obscure songs that I think no one else even remembers or has ever heard... but if they are on my iPod, I could always say with 99% surety that they were also on his.

Looking back, I think he was better for me than I ever was for him. When I got a cell phone, Terry would text "Good morning, beautiful." Every day. When we worked together at K-Mart, when I would go on break or if I got there early, I would hang out around him until I had to work. If we were on break at the same time we'd hang out in the breakroom, and on days that I didn't feel well he would let me curl up in his lap and try to rest until break was over. I remember so many times when he would bring a gallon of water with him, because as he would say, "A gallon is only like 62 cents, and a 16 oz bottle is like 1.19... fuck that, I'm buying the gallon!" [Insert amused chuckle here.] I didn't go out much in high school, or even when I would visit after joining the Navy. But when I did, I never felt safer than the times I'd climb up into his truck. We went to McDonald's once. I honestly don't know why that sticks in my head, since I don't remember anything else from that day. We went to Waterford Lakes a few times, too. Mostly with friends. One time, we were walking through Target and I mentioned the Jelly Belly section (an entire row dedicated to individual dispensers of each flavor of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans, where you could fill a bag with whatever flavors you wanted) and Terry went and bought me a HUGE bag. He was so sweet. Even when he was angry, it was sweet. A year or so ago, I blogged about a very traumatizing assault I suffered at the hands of an ex-boyfriend during high school. Terry texted me the following day, and his anger was obvious even through a simple text. He said that if he had known at the time what Charles had done, he would have killed him. I honestly don't know if he really could have hurt anyone, but just to see him say that made me feel cared for.

I have to thank him for my selfesteem. I don't have much, but what little I have was built on his love and encouragement. He would give me this look whenever I'd put myself down, a look that seemed to combine "don't ever say that again" with "you're crazy if you think that." Somehow I think it's because of these conversations that I now say "you're crazy" (in a loving way) to people who give me compliments. He made sure I knew that he thought I was beautiful, he told me he loved me all the time, and would tell me all the things he thought I deserved. He was definitely crazy... but because of the years he spent trying to convince me I was worth something, I can look into a mirror and begin to accept who I am, and some days I even think I'm pretty. It might sound conceited or self centered,  but the idea that I'm not worthless began with him. As I said, it was the foundation my esteem builds on, and it's all thanks to him.

I still kick myself sometimes for not being with him. Mostly because I know it hurt him. No matter how much I loved him, and regardless of how many times I'd tell him that, it never changed the fact that I didn't feel the same way. I can't even describe how many nights I cried because I thought I'd never find someone as wonderful as he was, and why my heart wouldn't allow itself to feel more. That old George Strait song, You Can't Make A Heart Love Somebody, made me cry every time it came on. My cousin even tried to help me, telling me once to just go give him a hug, then to just kiss him and see where it led me. I never could get past that hug. *sigh* What's worse, is that--I believe it was right after I got married--Terry got a tattoo on his chest of a broken heart. It wasn't hard to put two and two together. I'll tell you one thing, nothing in the world makes you feel like more of a bitch than the day you realize your best friend has a broken heart, and it was your own happiness that did it. But even so, it's a pain I could not have avoided, because I would have married my husband again and again if I could do it over.

Despite the sad story that shadowed our friendship, it was a strong and fierce bond that even death cannot break. We didn't always stay in touch as often as I would have liked, but that was my fault. The time between correspondences hardly seemed to matter at all, because when we did talk again it was as if it was just a day later, and we always picked up right where we left off.

There is one memory, however... the defining moment of our friendship, that in my eyes summed up everything he was and everything he would have been. And it is on this memory that I'd like to end, because it is the strongest,  it is my favorite, and it is one of my top ten most cherished memories of my entire life.

It was an ordinary night in high school. As always on the weekends, I was walled up in my room with my laptop, staying up all hours of the night on my then-favorite websites (Neopets, Gaiaonline, and always with my AIM [messenger] window up). Terry and I often chatted throughout the night, though looking back we talked so much that I'm surprised we ever had anything to talk about! On this night, I don't remember if we had been talking about travel, or places we'd like to see, but he told me he had something to show me. He sent me a webaddress, and told me to go there and download it. It was a link to Google Earth. Now, it's changed a bit in the past 10 years, but the basis is still the same: download the program, and you have a virtual globe of the Earth that is comprised of real satellite images taken within 6 months, and you could zoom in close enough to see your house. It's an amazing program even today, so you can imagine how incredible it seemed when it first came out!

So I download this program, and through AIM Terry guides me to specific locations. We visited the Great Pyramids of Egypt and the Sphinx.  We saw the Eiffle Tower, and Stonehenge. We went to my house, then his. Easter Island. Ground Zero in New York. The middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Italy. China. Japan. We started going to random places and showing each other with the latitude and longitude. After a few hours we realized we had spent all night traveling together without ever leaving home. Laughing together, sharing in the excitement and wonder of seeing the world. When we finally went to bed, I laid there for almost another hour, just thinking. I know in part I was just caught up in the moment, and maybe it was because I was pretty geeky too, but I had also mentioned it to him earlier during our exploration. Terry had just given me the world. He knew what he did, and how sweet it was. But he wasn't thinking of that. He only thought that it would make me happy.

 

That was just who he was. The perfect summation of a classic Hollywood love story, but real and full of such sweet sorrow. Shakespeare barely comes close to inciting the range of emotion he could have had if he had known Terry. I'm so grateful to have known him, and he will always remain in my heart as my best friend, my inspiration, and the boy who loved me and gave me the world. ♥

Irreplaceable

Some things just can't be remade. Most especially the moments of our lives. They are unique, like fingerprints or zebra stripes. Of course, even experiencing these things differently, we are all still human. And all zebras are still zebras. But it's those differences that make them special; the reason we get sentimental, or the reason we look back on a memory and suddenly feel that familiar stirring of emotions that was first incited in the moment we are recalling.

We all experience much the same things in life. But what, of those things, we choose to 'take with us', to file away not only in our minds but in our hearts as well, is again unique to us, as if they are extentions of ourselves. Our memories shape who we are today, and the memories we are creating now will shape who we will be tomorrow.

There are a lot of things lately, the little things, I think, that I have found myself thinking about. Usually just before bed, when I reflect on what I did that day, and what I'd like to do when I wake. And I've come to realize... there is nothing like a cat tugging at the end of your yarn when you are trying to crochet. It's the pure joy and thrill of the chase that shines in your cat's eyes that really makes the moment. How even a cat can take advantage of the simplest things and find new and exciting uses for them.

There really is nothing like following your eldest boy into their bedroom, stopping at the doorway to pick up your youngest--who has asked so nicely to be carried to bed--only to have your eldest run back to the doorway and wait his turn to be carried to bed too (now that he knows it's an option). There is no replacement for the constant forgetfulness all day long--the pills that are taken hours behind schedule, and the cups that wait patiently on the counter to be filled, and even the bladder that screams to be emptied after countless times of getting off the couch, only to get caught up in other things--then to sit down to bed at the end of the day, and to have your mind imagine hearing a text message come into your phone, just to remind you to put it on your nightstand. There is nothing as amazingly embarrassing--which in turn becomes laughable--when you realize how much you cried during a favorite show or movie, even when there was no one around to see you that way.

There is nothing like sitting down to crochet, getting comfortable, then suddenly getting the urge to blog (thank god for tablets!). There is nothing quite like watching your kids read books to the best of their ability, and realizing that they are growing up faster than you want them to. Every time they point to a letter and get excited. Every time they sit down to an educational movie and you catch them counting the numbers on the video before they are said aloud. Really I think just watching your children grow and learn, whenever you really stop to think about the wonder that it is.

Then there's the feeling of completing a project you were working on, for me in particular that is when I finish one of my crochet pieces. Maybe a stuffed animal, a purse, or a kitchen wall mural. The knowledge that you took a simple piece of string and created something wonderful.

And of course what kind of fond memories would they be without marriage? Often times, those are the best ones. There is nothing like spending time outside while your husband works on a project and having him randomly walk over and put his coat around your shoulders because he noticed you were cold. Nothing beats walking into a room and seeing the smile sweep across his face as he tells you that you are so beautiful... even in those pajama pants and unbrushed hair.

Then there are the things you couldnt see that brighten your thoughts. Such as the excitement of a new idea, or the hope pulling you toward a new year and a fresh start. The curiosity about whether you'll ever have a daughter, and what on Earth you'd name her if you did.The sheer beauty in the scent of fresh air, and the myriad of food fantasies your mind creates when you get hungry (even when the dream of living in a house made of Subway sandwiches is shattered by the fact of a hotdog on bread).

There is so much more than just this. There are the memories you lived, and the ones you observed. Like watching your dog seem to enjoy the new sweater you knitted for her. Watching your husband sleep. Watching your children sit on the couch sharing books, getting up for a snack or a drink, and not coming back unless they also had one for their brother.

There will always be memories that, no matter how hard we fight ourselves, we cant recall. The worst of these are the ones we never had. It's a sad thing, to regret not having a memory. Especially when there's nothing you could have done to create it. For me, it lies in knowing that my brother and sisters and cousins are growing up halfway across the country, and I'm missing out.

Which of course brings me to my final point, one I'm sure has crossed your mind during this. What about the bad memories? The ones we hid away and locked deep inside? Or even the ones we wear on our sleeves, not always by choice? Sexual assault, a bad breakup, a friend's betrayal, a layoff at work... these negative memories shape us just as much as the positive ones. But I don't want to elaborate on those. The choices I've made due to my negative memories are done and over with, and it's the positive ones that will carry me forward.

Live each moment to its fullest, and at the end of the day, remember the little things... the small moments that made you smile. Because they will carry you, too, through darkness and rain, back to brighter times again. And because they are irreplaceable.

Ten Things I Do That I Wish I Didn't

10.  I have hour-long conversations with myself, imagining that I'm saying all this to someone else. I lack the courage to express my opinion to the people I imagine that I am saying it to. Then again, sometimes the right thing to do is to not do anything at all.

9.  I take the easy way out every time it's available, rather than the better way that might not even take thirty seconds longer. For example, I'll grab a Coca Cola can out of the back fridge, because it's easier than getting down a cup from the cupboard, getting ice, and pouring a glass of tea or water. Thirty seconds longer, and I'm too lazy to do even that.

8.  I use the excuse, "There just isn't time." My time is my own, and I do with it what I want. Clearly my priorities are in serious need of straightening out if I have time to play a computer game for hours, but don't have time to sweep the house or work out.

7.  I procrastinate. Badly. I've always had this problem, and it will probably be one of the last personal issues I ever solve. Oh, the irony. [insert mildly amused chuckle here]

6.  I wash the same load of laundry three times in four days before it ever reaches the dryer, and it sits in the dryer for a full day, too. I want to tell you it's because there just isn't time, but honestly I'm procrastinating (and I'm lazy; those two go pretty much hand in hand).

5.  I'm addicted to a computer game. I *would* blame the developers for making a game that appeals to (and entraps) those of us with OCD and perfectionist complexes, but then again, no one forces me to play. The game is the reason that the dishes don't get done until dinner is cooking ("I'm in the kitchen anyways..."), cups and plates are becoming a staple on my computer desk ("It won't hurt to relax and eat lunch with a bit of gaming, right?"), and my elliptical is gathering dust ("Eh, I'll work out once I complete this next quest.").

4.  I put off on talking to family. In all definitions of the word, this falls right under Procrastination--with a capital P--but it belongs in its own category. I can't even express to you in proper sentences just how much I miss my family, and wish they lived closer. I think I put off on talking to them because 1: I have nothing exciting to talk about, and 2: I'm afraid that if I hear their voices, it'll make me cry. I can't stand to think of how much of our lives are passing us by while we are apart; do they even remember me? Love me still?

3.  I have a logical explanation for everything. More often than not, my logic and emotions collide. I need to learn to let go of my logic from time to time and just feel. I'm allowed to feel an emotion, even if it doesn't make sense. Logic may be comforting, but it's also blocking me from having a full emotional healing process.

2.  I imagine scenes in my book without writing them down. Note to Self: Damn it woman, if you are going to write a book, you have to actually RECORD your thoughts and ideas! Otherwise you lose them!

1.  I hate myself. Don't we all though, to an extent? This is probably the biggest issue I've struggled with. I don't take care of myself, and I compare myself to people who I consider to appear better off than I am. Which of course is depressing. It's hard to compare yourself to yourself, and take pride in your achieved goals and accomplishments.

My Kids Are Time Travelers

I feel like I have achieved this huge parenting win when I say that my 2 year old and my 4 year old love watching Doctor Who with me. That being said, sometimes I wonder if the little conversations we have are just them being kids, or them believing they are Time Lords. Take, for example, this evening.

After watching a few episodes of Doctor Who with dinner, I head into the kitchen with my 4 year old to get us drinks. We have gotten into the habit of asking our children random questions throughout the day, about numbers, letters, shapes, colors, etc. I turn to him and ask: 

David, how old are you?

To which he replies:

I'm six.

I laughed a bit, and told him that he was actually four, and held up four fingers to show him. Again, he replies:

No... I'm six.

 As I was walking out of the kitchen, I consider that perhaps he's just mimicking the episode we finished on. Amy was stuck in two time streams; in one she was her normal age, while in the other she was 36 years older. So I ask David:

Did you get caught in a faster time stream and ended up two years older?

Without hesitation, and in the most serious voice:

Yep.

I had to tell my hubby about this hilarious conversation, so I walked into the bedroom and told him. He turns to David himself and asks his age, and gets the response:

Um... I'm... two?

We tell him again that he's four, and this time he seems to agree.

Ohhhh. I'm four... Okay.

Our two year old looks so excited about the numbers conversation and our interaction with his older brother, that I turn to him and ask him the same question:

Levi, how old are you?

Before he can say anything more than "ummm" David chimes in.

He's nine!

Laughing, I exclaim:

Nine?! But he's your little brother, how can he be nine? He's not nine, silly. He's two.

And my favorite answer of the day:

But, pleeeease?

Apparently, my children believe that time travel is not only possible, but controlled by parents. If you want to be nine, well, mommy and daddy will make you nine if you ask nicely. Because that's how it works, right? Haha. Either that, or my children have traveled through time themselves, and although they came back to me at these ages, they are in fact years older than they appear. Who knows?

Seven Years

It's amazing how quickly time flies.

Seven years ago today, I made one of the best decisions of my entire life. I married my wonderful husband.

Over the years, we've been through it all. We've laughed, we've cried, we've argued, and we've shared. There have been challenges and trials, and we've pulled through each one, solidifying our bond and strengthening our relationship. We've made some amazing memories, and we've created two of the most adorable children that have ever existed (I know all parents think that, but our kids really are adorable).

For the first three years, we celebrated our anniversary as a couple. Since then, our children have come into our lives and I've realized that our anniversary means more than just us being together. It now also symbolizes one more year that our family has grown together. One more year that we've built our lives into something special and unique. One more year... It doesn't feel like it's been seven  years. At the same time, it feels like it's been forever. This sense of timelessness is exactly how I know it's meant to be... because I don't feel like there is an accurate measure of how long we've been together. It's as if I had already set myself up to be with him before I even existed.

Tomorrow morning, we are going to wake up and begin our eighth year together. Here's hoping for many more years together. I'm looking forward to all the memories we will make in the future.

I love you honey. ♥ Happy anniversary.

2013 Garden Update 1

Okay, okay. I know. It's been two months, and no update!

Well, I had a slight setback about a month after planting... There decided to be a freeze! So, most of what was planted was lost. BUT if you know me and my gardens, you know I wasn't about to let that stop me. ;) I replanted. And everything looks great now! They are still mostly sprouts, but with real leaves on some of them. Either way, it's all growing very well and healthy. On with the pictures!

In the Garden:

Grapes!

Grapes!

Grapes!

Blueberry bush, and another behind it. So big!

Blueberries! Both bushes are covered in them.

Baby blueberry. We have two of these, they should grow all year and produce next spring!

Sunflowers! They're doing really well, there's an entire row of them, just like last year. They aren't all quite this big, but varying sizes from newly risen sprouts to some a foot tall.

Someone asked me the other day why I planted sunflowers at all; they aren't a vegetable and it's not like you can really eat them, right?

Well I love sunflower seeds. The ones that come from my sunflowers might be smaller than the store-bought ones, but they taste amazing, and I can flavor them however I want!

Besides, it's a gorgeous view from the gate as I walk into my garden to see all these wonderful veggies growing with a backdrop of large bright yellow sunflowers!




Corn! Just like last year, I planted two columns of corn side by side down a full row. Now, last year I noticed that although all the corn grew wonderfully and produced a lot (and I do mean a LOT; my deep freezer still has some from harvesting last year) I saw that some of the ears weren't filled out properly. Some kernels didn't form, leaving spaces in the corn (It doesn't actually affect the taste or ability to eat it, it just isn't as pretty). I looked it up online and apparently, according to the all-knowing Internet, corn will fill out better if planted in large patches, so that the pollination can properly take place (or something to that effect) so for best results I really should have planted 4 columns close together. Oh well, maybe next year. =)

Peas! One of the tallest out there.

More peas! Most of them are still tiny like these.

Green Beans!

More Green Beans! Looking good!

Peas! I have two columns of them, but they only go halfway down the row.













Green Beans! I have two columns of them as well, completing the other half of the Pea row.

Squash. Only 1/3 of a row this year... had to cut back after last year's overdose of Squash!

Tomatoes! The ones on the left are Roma Tomatoes, and the ones on the right are your typical hybrids. I have 1/3 row of hybrids and 1/3 row of Romas. They're all doing great, let's hope we're actually HOME this year when they produce!

Beets! I have never attempted to grow beets, but WOW they are doing fantastic.

Beets! Don't they look great? Wish I could see what was going on below the surface!

The beets! They easily survived the frost and are now thriving.











 Beets! I planted one column of beets and one column of carrots, side by side. They take up 1/3 of a row.

My little carrots... The entire column is popping up. The one on the right there survived the frost from the first planting.

Broccoli and Cauliflower! The large picture to the left is broccoli. I only have about three of them that size so far, ones that survived the frost. The small one above and to the right is a tiny little cauliflower sprout, as most of them are. And the one in the middle just happens to be right where the broccoli ends and the cauliflower begins, so it could be either one. We'll just have to wait and see which it turns out to be!

Cucumbers! Everyone is mostly excited for these, because they will grow up to get pickled and canned. PICKLE SPROUTS. That's what they are. =D Half a row of them.

Watermelon! I have big plans for these this year. They are going to take a lot of extra love and attention if I want to actually harvest any watermelons from them. Every year we have issues with the melons rotting on the vine; but this year I am going to monitor closely for every melon that starts to form and lift it off the ground to *hopefully* prevent that from happening. We are long overdue for some home-grown watermelon! Half a row of them.

Cantaloupe. These things grew SO well last year. I just know they are going to do well this year, too. I had to plant them on the last row of the garden, because I remembered how much they tried to take over. This way, they can take over the hill beside the garden. Half a row of them.

Pumpkins! I still need to weed through these and the cantaloupe, so I'm not sure just how many pumpkins I have that are actually growing. These are also planted in the last row of the garden, because they really DID take over everything else. Just pie pumpkins this year, no mini ones. Half a row of these, too.

 

 

 

 So, I have weeded down most of my rows. The garden has erupted with weeds left and right, and that's no different from last year, really. But this year I took too long to remove some of those weeds, and now... Well, embarrassingly enough, I lost my pepper row.

 That isn't to say the peppers didn't grow. They very well may have. Unfortunately, I don't remember *exactly* where that row is. I know it's somewhere in front of the camera here. Until they get a little bigger, I really won't know for sure where they are, if they are even growing. Hopefully in the next week I can get out there and at least do some light weeding in the area. If I'm lucky, I'll stumble across a pepper plant.

My Lemon Tree ♥ Going to transplant it to a larger pot sometime in the next few months.

Lemons! Tiny little lemons. There are at least a dozen growing on the tree right now, and quite a few dozen beautiful white flowers. Super excited for the lemons!





In the Greenhouse:

 What kind of Italian would I be if I didn't have three different types of Basil? Haha. Sweet basil, Spicy Basil, and Lemon Basil. They really make the greenhouse smell fantastic.

 Parsley, Cilantro, and Chives. The Parsley started to die, I think the exact spot I had them in originally was just way too much direct light and heat. But as you can see, new sprouts are emerging! Nature reminding us once again to never give up. The Cilantro is fighting for it's life right now, I think it was also in one of those spots. It's stable for now, since I've moved it. The Chives are doing great.

 

My sage. Just one little Sage plant decided to grow, but it's doing good. I still have two full bundles of dried sage that I got from Fort Parker this year, so I'm not as worried if the sage doesn't grow much. But I'd love to dry some of my own, I think it's more meaningful that way.

 The strawberries. I have 16 strawberry plants, and I know I need to transplant them to larger pots. They are doing amazing. They've already produced a few strawberries, though I can't show you pictures of them because I let the kids eat them. =) You can see there are new ones just starting to grow though. Hopefully in the next few months these plants will really blossom out and produce enough to make some jam!

I had some leftover Roma Tomato seeds, and some Picante Pepper and Bell Pepper seeds, too. I had planted them in the greenhouse and they are doing amazing! Which is good, because these in the greenhouse might be the only peppers we get.





And this here was a Crape Myrtle we bought at the same time as the grapes. It was one of those ones that was just a leafless twig sticking out of a white plastic bag. I had faith in the little guy though, and replanted him in one of the pots the grapes came in. Look at it now! It's got beautiful leaves and it's doing great. Once it's about double this size I'll move it outside so we can plant it with the other Crape Myrtles in the yard. =)

Letting Go

It hurts when someone can't keep you in their life anymore, and you aren't ready to let go. But you have to, because it's what they want, and when you love someone, you do what makes them happy even if it hurts you.

I will always love you, and I hope you find the peace you are searching for in your new life. You taught me SO much; I was so thankful to have you in my life while it lasted. I understand your reasons, and while I don't agree with them (because it excludes me) I want to see you have everything you need and anything you could want.

I feel cheated, because I never really got to say good-bye. Circumstances arose too quickly, and I was too far away. I wish I could have had one last hug, seen one last smile, and heard one last "I love you." I am grateful for what I did get though. Life lessons... happy memories... the feeling of being loved and supported...

I'm going to miss that.

Kids grow up, but they never really leave. That's another reason this is so hard for me. I have easily let go of many people to whom I promised I would always be there. I have walked away from those I have loved, those who have loved me, from those I have hated, and those who have hated me. I never thought it would be this hard to walk away from one more... but I also never thought it would be you I'd have to walk away from.

I think it will take a very long time before I am truly ready to let you go, before enough time passes and enough change takes place in my life for it to seem more natural. Though I hope you will always know just how much I cared--and still care--and cherish the memories we shared. Because the years we had, tied together as family, made us who we are. It would be a shame to forget the past.

This is what you want, and I will respect your wishes.
That being said... Farewell.
Be happy. I love you.
♥

Fears of Writing

I am afraid. 

I just had to start with that, because it's liberating and relieving to admit your fears.

And it's the first step in overcoming them. 

Ever since I was a child, I've wanted to be a writer. When I was about twelve or so, I started writing a book. I had this 70-page Tweety Bird spiral notebook, and I had an idea. That was all it took; I wrote fifteen pages front and back, about a story that I wanted to share with the world. Now, being twelve years old, that story was completely fictional, about a girl who meets a monster... haha, the things that go on inside a child's head... but still, it was a dream of mine--a hope--that one day I would go to the bookstore and see my own book sitting on the Bestseller rack. And then to see someone walk up, glance at it, maybe pick it up and read the back cover, then nod to themselves and take it to the counter to purchase it. I just wanted to know that somewhere out there, someone else is going on the adventure I went on inside my head. That they might be feeling what I felt as I took that journey, and that they might laugh... and cry... and love... the way I did.

But that dream was shattered when I lost that Tweety notebook. All that time and work... lost. I had written too much to rewrite it, and I was terrified that if I picked up a new notebook and started over, that I would lose that one too. So I gave up.

Life went on. I went through a barrage of career ideas and aspirations... I wanted to be a veterinarian, a pastry chef, a marine biologist, a storm chaser, a Nuclear Engineer... none of which ever worked out. Of course, I can't say I ever really gave anything a fair shot. Then I got married, became a wife and a mother, and realized that I was already living out my most precious hope:

To love and be loved, unconditionally. To be and FEEL wanted. To feel needed and to need someone else. To be a part of something greater than myself. To be a wife, and a mother, and a friend.

That right there was enough for me, and I was happy with it. Of course, old habits (and dreams) die hard. I was still writing poems and songs, albeit few and far between. I was still imagining, and I was still creating. Then one night, a few months ago, I had a dream.

Dreams like this one don't happen every night. They are the muses who visit your subconscious and stay for tea. They are the inspiration that drives you mad with ideas. They are what fantasy is made of. They are hope.

This dream showed me a world--no, a universe--that exists out there somewhere, and people need to know about it. I have the power to inform hundreds of thousands of people about this existence... and I have only to write it down.

So, I got back on the horse, so to speak. I got myself re-accustomed to a typing program (Open Office, since I don't have Microsoft Word) and I began to type. At first it was just a recollection of the events of that amazing dream; before I knew it I had a baseline in my head for an entire trilogy! The spark was reignited, and I knew once again that my calling was to write. And now I had no other choice... how could I keep this incredible story to myself?!

But, alas, I am afraid.

I am afraid for many reasons; here are my top few:

• I am afraid that I am going to lose it again. After all the work I've already done, what if it gets lost somehow? I know I can't handle that happening again.
• I am afraid that I'm going to get Writer's Block. I'm scared at the idea of writing SO much, only to get stuck and have to set it to the side, praying for inspiration that may never come. I'm scared that it will go unfinished.
• I am afraid that I'm going to get sidetracked. Not from my writing itself, but from the storyline. I'm terrified that I'm going to get hooked on one aspect of the story and end up writing too much about that part and deviate from the baseline enough that the story becomes warped, that people will begin to question the main characters or the purpose behind the story... I don't want to get off-track. I want to keep the focus on the main characters, while telling of these adventures they take, spending just enough time describing the worlds and creatures that they become familiar. I'm afraid, because I'm not sure if I can do that. I know I can, really, but I also know I don't have the self-confidence to recognize when I've done something worthwhile. It's difficult to recognize potential and not have faith in it. Which is part of why this is so terrifying.
• Which leads into my next fear, actually. I'm afraid that I'm going to let people down. The story itself is incredible, I have no doubt in my mind that people will love it. But the medium through which they first experience it is going to be my writing... my words... my books. Can I deliver it to them in such a way as to grab their attention, keep them hooked, and leave them wanting more? And if I were to spend all this time and effort writing a book, and in the end not have it published... I would be letting down my family, who encouraged me and told me they believed in me, my husband, who supported my dream, and I'd be letting myself down as well.

Despite all these fears, however, I am going to write this story. My fantastic brilliant incredible husband, who stands behind my dream and my need to write, went online last week and bought me a brand new laptop, so I can write wherever I go! I have my current writings backed up both on this laptop and on my desktop, and as soon as I get a printer, I'd like to keep hard copies of my work as well.

I am just starting this journey. I am almost done with two chapters, though I have three chapters worth besides these already typed out, just waiting for me to perfect them. This is going to take a while. There is a very good chance that it will not be done this year. But I promise you all, as I have promised myself, that I am going to write this.

And who knows? Maybe one day you'll find yourself strolling the aisles of Barnes and Noble, and you'll see a section in the Bestseller column that says Aspect: The Dragon King. Then maybe below that you'll see my name, Crystal Burton. Maybe you won't even know who I am, maybe you'll just like the name or the cover image. Maybe you'll pick it up and read the summary, and maybe it will interest you. You never would have thought you'd be picking up your new obsession when you set that book down at the check out counter. But maybe... just maybe... it'll happen.

I'll let you know how things are coming on it as I go. It won't be very often. I'm not setting myself a time frame or deadline--that would just rush things. But don't worry... I have hope, a laptop, and a great idea that says this is going to get out there. =)

2013 Garden Season!

Let the Gardening Begin!

It's official: I have begun planting.

The season had it's kickstart last week when hubby took the tractor into the garden to plow it up. Then on Saturday, we went seed shopping! When we got back to the house my mother in law and her hubby were already there, tilling up the garden. SO much thanks go out to them for bringing over the tiller, I know they have their own garden that needed tilling as well, so I really appreciate them taking the time to do mine. So the garden is nice and freshly tilled, the ground looks great, and this huge garden is ready for planting!

The garden, freshly tilled, and the hoses run back to the sprinklers.

While we were at the store though, we picked up a few other things besides just seeds. Things that are going to make THIS planting season better than ever!

First off, we got a greenhouse! It's a little walk-in greenhouse with a zippered door and 16 shelves.

We also got potting soil, seed starter trays, a watering can, and a spray bottle. Now I am all set, not only to plant my vegetable garden, but also to have herbs (and strawberries!) that will have a safe place to grow.

So... what am I planting this year, you ask? Well, I'll tell you! =)

For the Garden:
I'm doing much the same things I did last year, but in smaller quantities to allow space for new veggies as well. I'm doing sunflowers, corn, tomatoes, peas, green beans, carrots, beets, broccoli, cauliflower, eggplant, bell peppers, a hot pepper mix (jalapeno, cayenne, and others), squash, watermelon, cucumber, cantaloupe, and pumpkin. I'm doing ONE packet of squash though; not the two full rows of overkill that I did last year. Last year, I had so much squash, I couldn't give it away fast enough and we ended up with cartloads that we were setting up as targets for shotguns. That is WAY too much squash! I was cutting it up to feed to the animals and even they were getting tired of it!
This year, I am also plotting it out a bit differently, so that my vines (cantaloupe, pumpkin, watermelon, and cucumber) don't grow into each other... or at least so they don't crowd each other out. I'd rather climb through separate patches of them than have to wade through a jungle of intertwined vines and fruits.

For the Greenhouse:
The greenhouse is mostly for my herbs, but also for things that we didn't think would be safe out in the garden by themselves. My herbs tend to grow very well at first, but midway through the season they don't get watered, or the wind knocks them over, or the animals tear them up... Well not this year! They are safe and sound and warm in my little greenhouse. It has only been set up for a day and a half so far but I went into it this morning and was happy to feel how warm it was in there, and even though the wind is howling outside, it doesn't penetrate the safety of the greenhouse plastic walls.
The herbs I am doing this year are: spicy basil, sweet basil, oregano, lavender, spearmint, chives, single leaf parsley, triple curled parsley, cilantro, sage, and catnip. That last one there is for my kitties, of course. =) I was looking for chamomile but couldn't find it anywhere. If I manage to get ahold of some seeds I'll grow that too, I'd like to make my own herbal tea this year. Also in the greenhouse I have a packet of habanero pepper seeds... we wanted to make sure they grew well and that we would know them 100% from the other peppers... they will be hot, and I don't want to pick one thinking "oh this is just a small bell pepper" then have some REALLY hot lasagna, hahaha!
We bought some small strawberry plants and a few bags of strawberry seeds, and I'm going to keep those in the greenhouse, too. I don't want any animals getting to them and I know how much squirrels and rabbits enjoy them. I have never been able to grow strawberries (though to be honest I haven't given it a serious try) so this will be the year.

There are a few other things we have going on this year. Mike bought me a lemon tree, that is to stay in a pot, and it is in the front yard. Also, last summer we visited my dad and his fiance in Utah. While we were there we got to meet her parents, who have multiple Apricot trees in their yard. I got to take home lots of bags full of of apricots (which I then made into jam) and I still have a bag full of apricot stones (the pits inside them). Well, I want to try to grow apricot trees.
 I am well aware that they do not produce fruit until their third or fourth years. But see, that's part of the wonder of gardening. You get to watch something grow, and if you treat it right, it will reward you! It also teaches you the virtue of Patience. Of course, I know nothing about growing apricots. So I did some research, and it turns out that it is going to be quite the test of patience just getting the stones to sprout! I have to put them through a sort of "false nature" trial, where I soak them over night, then wrap them and put them in the fridge for a full month! It is supposedly to mimic the act of the fruit falling to the ground then going through a cold winter. When I take them out of the fridge and plant them in the soil, it is like spring has come, and they should begin to grow. Well, we'll see.
I have taken 32 stones (about a quarter of what I have) and they are in the kitchen soaking right now. Tomorrow they will go in the fridge, and in a month we will put them in the greenhouse to get ourselves some Apricot plants going!

Okay well, that's the plan. As of this morning, I have planted the herbs in the greenhouse. It's a bit too windy today for my liking, so I'm going to wait on the garden planting until tomorrow. Once I get to the store and get a few more seed starter trays, I'll transplant my strawberries and plant the strawberry seeds. Good thing I won't need the trays for the apricots for another month! I'll get you an update just as soon as the rest of the garden has been planted. =)

Now get out there and grow things! ^_^