Things Like This Just Shouldnt Happen

Before you read this, I should warn you. This is a personal life experience of mine, and it is very hard for me to write. It was something that happened back in Junior year in high school, and something that I kept close to myself, only telling maybe two or three people (years later) who were closest to me. It's one of those life-changing events that shaped who I am today, and it's something I blamed myself for, for far too long. It's also one of those things that you regret... and there is simply no place in the short lives that we live for regret.

Something happened to someone I love somewhat recently, and they were strong enough to talk about their experience even though it hurt. I am writing this now because I want them to know that they are not alone. That they have someone they can talk to, that SO MANY people go through the same thing every year, and its sad how common it has become, but that there is a HUGE support system out there for people just like us. I am also writing this because I am making changes in my life, and it's just time to open up and be honest, and its just time to let go. This is a long story, and I do give some background before the actual event to give you an idea of where my mind was at the time this happened, and a few events that led up to it.

This isn't something a parent wants to hear about happening to their children. They don't want to hear about the choices their children made that put them in such a position, but they also just don't want to see their children get hurt. So to my parents, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, because I know you would have supported me the entire time. I'm sorry I didn't listen to any advice you gave that could have kept me out of this situation altogether... but it's in the past, and I am here admitting to it, getting it off my shoulders, and letting it go. So, it's time, for the last time, to let my mind wander back to the last few months of my junior year in high school...


 When I was in high school, I met a boy named Charles. He was definitely not very good looking, and everyone that met him made sure to let me know (in case I hadn't noticed myself). Looking back I'm not sure what it was about him that I was even attracted to at all. Maybe it was the fact that he was a redneck, and for some reason I thought that "backwoods redneck hick" was the closest I was ever going to get to meeting the country boy I was married to in my dreams. Maybe it was because I was so co-dependent, and he was a "take charge" kind of guy. For whatever reason, I found myself fawning over him, following him wherever he went around school, doing things he asked (getting him drinks or candy, stuff like that). It was over the summer between Sophomore and Junior year that he finally realized he liked me. (Rather, he missed me... I'm not sure what ever truly went through his head. He was one for mind games... I know what you are thinking, and looking back I see all the warning signs that say "RUN AWAY" but I was a lovesick teenage girl... my mind refused to see those signs back then.) It was the third week of school starting back up again that he asked me out (finally!) and I was ecstatic.

We dated off and on for about 6 months or so. The "off" times were his own choosing. I'm not sure if he saw other people during those times, but things that my ex and him had both said to me in separate conversations lead me to believe that my ex was convincing him to break up with me so he had a chance to try to "steal" me away. Oh, the mind games we think we control in high school... It's things like that, that cause so much drama and make people hate those years. What I wouldn't give to go back to high school and experience the learning side of things again... to be in class, and to recognize useless drama for what it truly was...

Ah, but I'm rambling. I was 16 and half when Charles began attempting to move our relationship in a new direction. Sexually. Am I proud of my choices at this point? No, not at all. Do I have regrets at this point? Absolutely. Is there anything I can do today to change the past? No, but I can do better; I can accept it and let it go. When he began suggesting more physical contact, I was very scared. I had never done anything like he was proposing... I had barely even kissed anyone! But his arguments seemed valid, and I believed that I was in love with him. Love makes you blind... and in those teenage years, peer pressure is too heavy, and too easy to collapse under. It took him a month--just a month--to break down my self esteem and personal boundaries enough that I did the one thing that I shouldnt have--the one thing that had I not done, I would not have been through what I went through. I slept with him.

Too many women regret that moment; when you realize you gave your virginity to the absolutely wrong person. Too many women continue to dwell on it, myself included. Because of those regrets, I can never play music on my X-Box again, because the color patterns and visual effects that play were playing that day. I can never listen to the song "Moon Baby" by Godsmack ever again, because that song was playing that day (I don't really like that song anyways...). The only good thing that came of this terrible choice I made was the clarity of mind that followed.

It was after this day that I realized how Charles truly was. I realized that he was verbally and mentally abusive, in the ways he would order me around and tell me what to do; where to stand; when to follow him and when to stay; what he didn't like about me or how I looked; which of my friends he approved of and which he didn't want me around... it was one thing for me to need someone to lead me, but it was something entirely different to feel like a slave. I realized that he was physically abusive as well. He may have never actually hit me, but he would forcibly grab my wrists to lead me somewhere (rather than holding my hand and guiding me, like a man should). I occasionally noticed small bruises or soreness in my wrists because of that.  He would come up behind me while I was chatting with my friends, and put his arm around my waist and carry me over towards his friends, and jerk me back against him, holding me there while he carried on conversations with his own friends (keeping me from mine). He was a lot more smooth than I give him credit for, though... He did all of this in one complete motion, always with a smile and a witty remark... he always looked laid back and relaxed, and so most people thought I was comfortable with it. Those same people laughed at my expense during times like these. I didn't know what else to do but laugh it off and assume that his confidence meant it was all in fun. But being treated like that by someone you think you care about is NOT something to laugh about. It was not funny, nor was it fun, and I wish I would have admitted that sooner. It would have saved me a lot of time wasted both on Charles and on those so-called "friends."

And so, after that day, I realized I needed to escape. About a week or so later, I broke up with him. He, of course, being as controlling and demanding as he was tried to stop me. For all his mind games, I thought I had him beat with a mind game of my own. I hung out with the one person in school I knew he couldn't stand to be around. After about a month I was able to ease back into my circle of friends, and over the following months Charles relaxed and seemed to acclimate to our separation well enough that we were on speaking terms, and were able to hang out in the same group at school again. But, alas, his game was far better than mine. If only I had known what he had in store for me, to pay me back...

And here, we arrive at that dreadful day. Oh, what I would give to prevent this day... the things I wish I would have done differently... And yet I have to continuously remind myself that it's not all my fault. I take blame for certain actions, but it is NOT my fault. I could never have really known...

One Friday, near the last few weeks of the school year, Charles invited me to hang out at his friends house (where he was living at the time). Of course I was wary, but so many factors were telling me that it was a harmless idea. We had been broken up for months, and he was telling me that he was sorry for how he acted and he wanted to try to mend what friendship we could have. He understood that we could never have a relationship again, but that did not mean that he wanted to lose me completely from his life. He was willing to work on his faults, if not for himself, but to be a better man for the next woman in his life. And after all, we had shared that one moment of loss and giving that is such a landmark in your life, and it's hard to ever really let go of the person you share that with. On top of that, his friend would be there; as a matter of fact, his friend would be the one driving us to his house and we would all hang out together. I didn't really know the friend very well. Although he was a part of our daily group that hung out under the stairs at lunch, we had never really talked--so I suppose I should have taken that into account--either way, I agreed to go hang out (pending the approval of my mother first, who allowed it on the condition that I was home by 6:00 pm).

After school, the three of us got into Corey's car. Corey driving, Charles up front, myself in the backseat. I was nervous, but I had never been very social and only had a few occasions that I hung out with friends outside of school, so I figured that I needed this anyways. I'm not sure what I thought we were going to do, aside from the typical phrase "hang out" (what does that ever truly consist of anyways?) perhaps we'd watch a movie or play a video game or something. When we arrived at Corey's house, I took note that the house itself was separate from Charles' room; his room appeared to be an add-on to the house of some sort, accessible just beside the front door. Charles opened his bedroom door to allow me to enter, and Corey stood behind Charles as if waiting his turn as well to walk into the room. Charles entered behind me, and just as Corey was stepping through the doorway, he stopped, and kind of shook his head for a second, saying "Ugh, I forgot to feed the cat this morning! Sorry guys, I'll be right back." And he instead went through the front door, shutting it behind him.

Then the real horror began. Charles gently closed his bedroom door and turned the lock.

It was only just before 4:00 pm. The sound of the lock clicking into place still sticks in my mind... It was right then that I knew I should not have been there. I backed up till I was at the far end of the room, afraid to turn my back on this guy that I no longer knew what he was capable of or what he would do next. I braced myself for anything that he could or would say, and I did expect the worse. What I did not expect was what he actually said. But I've already told you how good his mind games were. I was so naive to think I could have beaten him.

He began telling me he missed me. Telling me how he couldn't stand living without me, and how just something as simple as a hug from me every day is all he really wanted... you know, all those things a girl wants to hear. That I was pretty, that I was smart, that he was nothing without me... and for a few minutes, I began to ease up. I have to give myself credit here because I knew he was lying. But hearing that this was all he seemed to want to say, I assumed he missed having his little puppet to follow him around, and thought he'd try to get me back. He had locked the door, but I was starting to think that it was only so that he could pour out these obviously false feelings without worrying about Corey walking in and "disrupting the mood" that he thought he was creating, or possibly even so that Corey wouldn't hear Charles being so emotionally vulnerable (because we all know how hard it is to get a guy to admit he even has feelings at all, without him worrying about his friends finding out and making fun of him). And of course, I was quickly proven wrong, when Charles then asked me to sleep with him again.

Seriously? I mean, did he really think I was just going to say yes because he said some nice things that I knew right then were all lies? I outright told him no, that it was over the day I broke up with him and that sleeping with him even once had been a mistake that I was not going to make again. I moved towards the door and told him I was going to get Corey and go home, that I didn't want to be there anymore. He quickly and smoothly stepped in front of the door and blocked my only escape route. He did not make any immediate motions toward me, or try to grab me or anything... he simply stood there, presenting his argument as to why I should sleep with him. I'm not sure I was even really listening, because I was panicking and trying to think of anything I could do or say to get out of there. Any further movement I made toward the door led to him shifting his position to block me, and he was much stronger than I was. He could have easily forced himself upon me if he had wanted to. Shouting didnt work, because I could hear what I assume was the TV or radio, and it turned out to be just the three of us there anyways (Corey's mom was apparently still at work). I couldn't call anyone in front of Charles, because I knew he would take any phone away from me. I had given up hope that Corey would come back. So I stood there, on the opposite side of the room as far from him as possible, tears streaming down my face, begging him to let me go home. His only response, every time, was simply "All you have to do is say yes, and you can go. You're the one putting it off, keeping yourself here. The faster you say yes, the sooner you can leave. Just say yes."

It was getting closer and closer to 6:00 pm, and I knew I would be in SO much trouble if I was late... getting home late had always been a big problem for me. It was already 5:30 pm, it takes maybe 7 to 10 minutes to drive home, depending on how many of the 4 red lights we hit along the way... If I didn't do something soon, I was going to be in trouble, and I didn't want to have to admit that I had put myself into this situation. So at 5:48 pm, I did the only thing I could think of that I knew would get me out of there... I said yes. Through the tears, through the silent screams of my heart and mind, through all my thoughts and fears and regrets, I laid down and let him do what he did. I took no part in it, and stared at the ceiling trying to distract myself from my self-hatred and weakness and rock-bottom self esteem. It might have taken maybe 10 minutes, though it felt like hours. When he was finished, he stood up, smiling, and saying "well now that wasn't so bad, was it?" I guess he didn't look at my face, or my body language, because maybe he would have thought twice before asking that. He threw on some jeans and tossed the used condom in a jar on his night stand, then with a carefree air about him, he unlocked and opened his door, then knocked on the front door a few times and leaned against the doorway, waiting for Corey to come out. I took this time to quickly dress and wipe the tears from my eyes, holding back the rivers that wanted to flow and trying to assume some veil of self-control, however thin. It was all I could cling to at such a low point in my life, and I needed to cling to something.

Corey came out a few minutes later, petting a small kitten. Charles nodded at him, and Corey smirked and shook his head, and told us to "wait a sec" and he'll throw on some shoes to take me home. Right at that moment, a few things began to slide into place and I started to gain some sort of sick, twisted understanding. Charles had asked Corey to come up with some excuse so we could be alone. He planned for this to happen all along. As I was walking down the driveway toward the car, I glanced back just in time to see Charles pointing into his room towards his nightstand, and I just barely managed to hear him say "she was practically begging for it!" and laughing. And I had thought I couldnt feel any worse... I sat silently for the car ride home, staring at my hands in my lap, trying to ignore the guys discussing how easy girls were becoming these days. It was past 6:00 pm at this point, and I was trying to figure out what to say to explain my tardiness to my mother (I couldnt possibly tell her what actually happened, she would be mad and I would get into so much trouble).

I was nearly 15 minutes late getting home that day. Naturally, I was punished from going anywhere else after school (and what a welcome punishment that was! I never wanted to go anywhere else ever again.). Come Monday morning, I dreaded going to school and having to stand in front of my friends, fearing they all knew what had happened and would laugh and mock me and hurt me. Turns out I was partially right... Charles was spreading a rumor that I had gone over there and came onto him, begging to get back together and willing to do whatever he wanted to achieve that... of course his story also ends in him taking advantage of my generosity and then turning me down for a relationship. I'm not sure how many of my friends heard his story, but the ones that did chose not to ask me about it, as if maybe I was embarrassed at being "turned down" and didnt want them to bring it up. I knew what they must have thought but I was grateful for their silence all the same. The guys, on the other hand, were not so considerate. I had many offers and advances after that, and could not trust even a smile from a male, because I could imagine what was going through their heads... It took almost 9 months before I had another boyfriend, and to my credit I did not have any further sexual contact with anyone until much later after high school. And how could I? I never wanted anyone to touch me like that again.


I had felt like it was all my fault. I can look back and see every choice I made that led up to that event. The fact that Charles did not touch me at all until I had officially said yes, of my own free will, convinced me that it was not rape at all, and I had no right to claim such a thing. It wasn't until years later, in a mandatory sexual assault seminar in the Navy, that someone mentioned something similar to my situation, and stated that it IS, in fact, rape.

I began rethinking the entire thing, as painful as it was to recall, and even though I can still to this day point out so many things that I wish I had done differently that could have prevented that day from happening, I know it was his fault. I can say, and be 100% honest while saying it, that it was NOT my fault. I never fully recovered from this, I have always had a measure of mistrust, and any chance at repairing my shattered self-worth and self esteem seemed long gone. It is only in the last few years that I have been able to bring myself back together and realize that I am worth so much more that he made me feel. The sense of unity, structure, discipline, and pride that the Navy offered me did help a lot, although I do not recommend entering the military as a way to cope. The internet is such a large network, an easy way to find other people that are struggling through the emotions and backlash from rape and sexual assault, and I do recommend using that to your advantage. Find a support group, start a blog... do not be afraid to share your experiences and learn from others'. I know firsthand how hard it is to handle something that brings you down to such a dark place in your mind, but I am here today, strong and proud, to show you that it gets better.


I was lucky that Charles only attended Senior year at my high school for the first month, after which time he moved to a different county with his mother and I never saw him again. I know that not everyone is so lucky, and some are forced to stare into the face of their offender day after day, a constant reminder of such a traumatizing experience.

Things like this just shouldn't happen... but they are all too common, and it's a sad fact of life. I am not saying in any way that it's "normal" or "okay", because it is NOT. I still do not understand what makes a person think that doing something like this is a good idea. For those unfortunate enough to have been through something similar... It's not your fault. Not enough people realize that it's not their fault... as I said it took me years to understand this. I have finally written this and put it out there, to reach out to other people like me who have been a victim of something so horrible and so wrong, and to tell you all that you will be alright. It is not your fault. If you have been through something like this, I am here for you. I understand. And it will be alright. Everything will be alright.

The Stronger Woman in Me

I've been feeling a little lost lately.

*sigh* Okay, very lost.

But, why?

Because I've looked myself in the mirror one too many times and hated what I've seen. Because I've realized that my day-to-day "routine" (or lack thereof) has gotten me depressed, bored, lonely... it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning, to remember to make lunch (if not for me, for the kids. I shouldnt have to wait for my son to lead me to the kitchen door to remember that humans need food to survive). Because I lay down in bed at night and realize that I havent eaten all day. Because I hate my body, I can see every flaw... every extra pound seems to double the size of my reflection. Because I see that my house is a wreck--toys and plates and cans and bottles stacking on side tables, laundry that needs to be folded and dishes that must be washed. I see it all, and I think to myself, "I need to clean that." But I can't find the motivation to actually get up and do any of it. Because NOT taking care of it is even more depressing, and brings me down farther. It's an endless, vicious, cycle.

This is a problem.

I am a mother, a wife, and a woman. All three of those roles that I play have their own wants and needs. And I have neglected them all. But no longer... I can't just sit here and let depression consume and overwhelm me. I must relax, lean back, and let my negative emotions be swept away by the tides of change. I must bring about this change on my own; too many people have told me, that if you don't like something, you are the ONLY person who can fix it. I am lost because I am not leading myself in my own life.

What are the qualities of a good leader?


Being truthful and honest; I need to admit to myself when I am not happy, and stop putting on a smile and a show for everyone else just so that no one will worry. I need people to worry. It's what makes me feel the need to fix things. I need to tell myself, "why are you pretending that this doesnt upset you? What do you stand to gain by putting up with this, when you gain so much more from admitting you're not happy?"

Being open and vocal; I need to admit to others when I am not happy, when my happiness in an area of my life is dependent (or at least co-dependent) upon them. I cannot fall into that trap of thinking that someone knows what I am feeling. They will never know for sure unless I say something. I can't be mad when someone doesn't do what I need them to do, if I never told them what I needed in the first place.

Listening to both sides of a story; I am living my life through my own eyes, so naturally I am seeing everything one-sided, filtering through my mind and emotions. But I shouldnt sit back and think that everything I see and feel is right. I need to ask those I interact with on a daily basis what they are seeing and feeling as well. I never know what similarities or differences we'll come up with, and that can be very helpful when deciding what to change to make things better.

Taking the first step; Most people are followers. It takes a very special kind of person to be a leader. Even when it comes to your own life... I know this firsthand, because I realized when I was still in high school that I was very co-dependent--always had to have someone with me at all times, could never make a decision on my own, always asked others what they wanted to do or talk about or where they wanted to go, because I was afraid of doing anything alone-- and so I followed. I have been a follower for most of my life. Now it's time for me to be a leader. If not for anyone else, for myself. Because right now, I have no direction, no goal... And NO ONE else can give me those things.

Understanding; I understand that these things take time. Change does not always happen overnight. But the great thing about change is that the goal isn't always as important as the journey. Every small step I make towards being a better person, a stronger woman, it all counts. It is like, baking a cake. You dont pour the batter into a cakepan and suddenly have a cake. You have to bake it, and every minute in the oven is NEEDED to make that cake light and fluffy and delicious. I am starting to bake my own cake, in a way. I am the batter, ready to be shaped and molded and changed. Reaching my goal... well, that's just the icing on the cake, so to speak. ;)

So, here goes nothing...

I am not happy. I need help. I am asking for change. I can only do so much on my own, and I need people to work with me to change those things that affect more than just me. I have needs and demands that MUST be met. I will not beg, and I will not shout. I will relay my thoughts as calmly and as efficiently as possible.

The majority of the problems are things that I am holding myself back from. There are times that I know I would be happy if only I did something differently... if i stood up and made a change. Those things, I can and must do on my own. All I am asking in those areas is for a little support. And I already know that I have that support from a lot of people, people that have told me go ahead and do what I want and need, and in those times it is my own co-dependency that is holding me back.

I love being a wife and a mother, I love my husband and I love my children. My family is my life, and my major source of love and support. I cannot say that I wouldnt be who I am today if not for them... because I do not like who I am today. But I can say that I would not have the motivation to be a better person if it was not for them. They make me WANT to be a better person.

I hate the viewpoint society has on women, and it kind of makes me resent being female at all. You must look a certain way, act a certain way, be willing to do certain things for the good of mankind. Well, if I am to be honest with myself now, I don't care if society calls for stick-figure women with specific curves and personality traits. There are parts about myself that I love and refuse to change. I love video games. I love books. I love to knit and crochet. I love to skin animals. I refuse to be anyone else when it comes to my hobbies and personality. Granted, I hate my body. I hate how I look. But my husband loves me and every curve I have. Does it matter what other people think or expect a woman to look like? Not at all. My husband is the only man that has to like my body, and even that comes second to myself. I have to love who I am, and accept how I look. If i am not willing to accept my body, then I am the only person who can change that. And you know what? I think I will.

This isnt going to happen quickly. I might not notice much of a change at first. But a change in attitude... it's the REAL "first step". And that step, I take today. I take now.

I think Jewel says it very well in her song, "A Stronger Woman in Me". That song is playing right now, in the playlist I keep in my head, and it's very fitting. In a way, it helps motivate me, because it reminds me that I'm not alone in this. There are plenty of other people out there that are thinking this same thing RIGHT NOW. Maybe they are listening to Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" (which is also on my mental playlist). Maybe they are listening to Michael Bublé, "Haven't Met You Yet" and imagining that the "you" in the song is the person they want to become. Whatever your playlist or theme song, you are not alone. We all have changes we want to make. Take your time, figure out what it is YOU want, and reach for it. Don't let anyone else decide how you are going to live your life. Because it is the one thing you have, and you never know how long you will have it.

Thus, the change begins.