The Stronger Woman in Me

I've been feeling a little lost lately.

*sigh* Okay, very lost.

But, why?

Because I've looked myself in the mirror one too many times and hated what I've seen. Because I've realized that my day-to-day "routine" (or lack thereof) has gotten me depressed, bored, lonely... it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning, to remember to make lunch (if not for me, for the kids. I shouldnt have to wait for my son to lead me to the kitchen door to remember that humans need food to survive). Because I lay down in bed at night and realize that I havent eaten all day. Because I hate my body, I can see every flaw... every extra pound seems to double the size of my reflection. Because I see that my house is a wreck--toys and plates and cans and bottles stacking on side tables, laundry that needs to be folded and dishes that must be washed. I see it all, and I think to myself, "I need to clean that." But I can't find the motivation to actually get up and do any of it. Because NOT taking care of it is even more depressing, and brings me down farther. It's an endless, vicious, cycle.

This is a problem.

I am a mother, a wife, and a woman. All three of those roles that I play have their own wants and needs. And I have neglected them all. But no longer... I can't just sit here and let depression consume and overwhelm me. I must relax, lean back, and let my negative emotions be swept away by the tides of change. I must bring about this change on my own; too many people have told me, that if you don't like something, you are the ONLY person who can fix it. I am lost because I am not leading myself in my own life.

What are the qualities of a good leader?


Being truthful and honest; I need to admit to myself when I am not happy, and stop putting on a smile and a show for everyone else just so that no one will worry. I need people to worry. It's what makes me feel the need to fix things. I need to tell myself, "why are you pretending that this doesnt upset you? What do you stand to gain by putting up with this, when you gain so much more from admitting you're not happy?"

Being open and vocal; I need to admit to others when I am not happy, when my happiness in an area of my life is dependent (or at least co-dependent) upon them. I cannot fall into that trap of thinking that someone knows what I am feeling. They will never know for sure unless I say something. I can't be mad when someone doesn't do what I need them to do, if I never told them what I needed in the first place.

Listening to both sides of a story; I am living my life through my own eyes, so naturally I am seeing everything one-sided, filtering through my mind and emotions. But I shouldnt sit back and think that everything I see and feel is right. I need to ask those I interact with on a daily basis what they are seeing and feeling as well. I never know what similarities or differences we'll come up with, and that can be very helpful when deciding what to change to make things better.

Taking the first step; Most people are followers. It takes a very special kind of person to be a leader. Even when it comes to your own life... I know this firsthand, because I realized when I was still in high school that I was very co-dependent--always had to have someone with me at all times, could never make a decision on my own, always asked others what they wanted to do or talk about or where they wanted to go, because I was afraid of doing anything alone-- and so I followed. I have been a follower for most of my life. Now it's time for me to be a leader. If not for anyone else, for myself. Because right now, I have no direction, no goal... And NO ONE else can give me those things.

Understanding; I understand that these things take time. Change does not always happen overnight. But the great thing about change is that the goal isn't always as important as the journey. Every small step I make towards being a better person, a stronger woman, it all counts. It is like, baking a cake. You dont pour the batter into a cakepan and suddenly have a cake. You have to bake it, and every minute in the oven is NEEDED to make that cake light and fluffy and delicious. I am starting to bake my own cake, in a way. I am the batter, ready to be shaped and molded and changed. Reaching my goal... well, that's just the icing on the cake, so to speak. ;)

So, here goes nothing...

I am not happy. I need help. I am asking for change. I can only do so much on my own, and I need people to work with me to change those things that affect more than just me. I have needs and demands that MUST be met. I will not beg, and I will not shout. I will relay my thoughts as calmly and as efficiently as possible.

The majority of the problems are things that I am holding myself back from. There are times that I know I would be happy if only I did something differently... if i stood up and made a change. Those things, I can and must do on my own. All I am asking in those areas is for a little support. And I already know that I have that support from a lot of people, people that have told me go ahead and do what I want and need, and in those times it is my own co-dependency that is holding me back.

I love being a wife and a mother, I love my husband and I love my children. My family is my life, and my major source of love and support. I cannot say that I wouldnt be who I am today if not for them... because I do not like who I am today. But I can say that I would not have the motivation to be a better person if it was not for them. They make me WANT to be a better person.

I hate the viewpoint society has on women, and it kind of makes me resent being female at all. You must look a certain way, act a certain way, be willing to do certain things for the good of mankind. Well, if I am to be honest with myself now, I don't care if society calls for stick-figure women with specific curves and personality traits. There are parts about myself that I love and refuse to change. I love video games. I love books. I love to knit and crochet. I love to skin animals. I refuse to be anyone else when it comes to my hobbies and personality. Granted, I hate my body. I hate how I look. But my husband loves me and every curve I have. Does it matter what other people think or expect a woman to look like? Not at all. My husband is the only man that has to like my body, and even that comes second to myself. I have to love who I am, and accept how I look. If i am not willing to accept my body, then I am the only person who can change that. And you know what? I think I will.

This isnt going to happen quickly. I might not notice much of a change at first. But a change in attitude... it's the REAL "first step". And that step, I take today. I take now.

I think Jewel says it very well in her song, "A Stronger Woman in Me". That song is playing right now, in the playlist I keep in my head, and it's very fitting. In a way, it helps motivate me, because it reminds me that I'm not alone in this. There are plenty of other people out there that are thinking this same thing RIGHT NOW. Maybe they are listening to Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" (which is also on my mental playlist). Maybe they are listening to Michael Bublé, "Haven't Met You Yet" and imagining that the "you" in the song is the person they want to become. Whatever your playlist or theme song, you are not alone. We all have changes we want to make. Take your time, figure out what it is YOU want, and reach for it. Don't let anyone else decide how you are going to live your life. Because it is the one thing you have, and you never know how long you will have it.

Thus, the change begins.