Letting Go

It hurts when someone can't keep you in their life anymore, and you aren't ready to let go. But you have to, because it's what they want, and when you love someone, you do what makes them happy even if it hurts you.

I will always love you, and I hope you find the peace you are searching for in your new life. You taught me SO much; I was so thankful to have you in my life while it lasted. I understand your reasons, and while I don't agree with them (because it excludes me) I want to see you have everything you need and anything you could want.

I feel cheated, because I never really got to say good-bye. Circumstances arose too quickly, and I was too far away. I wish I could have had one last hug, seen one last smile, and heard one last "I love you." I am grateful for what I did get though. Life lessons... happy memories... the feeling of being loved and supported...

I'm going to miss that.

Kids grow up, but they never really leave. That's another reason this is so hard for me. I have easily let go of many people to whom I promised I would always be there. I have walked away from those I have loved, those who have loved me, from those I have hated, and those who have hated me. I never thought it would be this hard to walk away from one more... but I also never thought it would be you I'd have to walk away from.

I think it will take a very long time before I am truly ready to let you go, before enough time passes and enough change takes place in my life for it to seem more natural. Though I hope you will always know just how much I cared--and still care--and cherish the memories we shared. Because the years we had, tied together as family, made us who we are. It would be a shame to forget the past.

This is what you want, and I will respect your wishes.
That being said... Farewell.
Be happy. I love you.
♥

Fears of Writing

I am afraid. 

I just had to start with that, because it's liberating and relieving to admit your fears.

And it's the first step in overcoming them. 

Ever since I was a child, I've wanted to be a writer. When I was about twelve or so, I started writing a book. I had this 70-page Tweety Bird spiral notebook, and I had an idea. That was all it took; I wrote fifteen pages front and back, about a story that I wanted to share with the world. Now, being twelve years old, that story was completely fictional, about a girl who meets a monster... haha, the things that go on inside a child's head... but still, it was a dream of mine--a hope--that one day I would go to the bookstore and see my own book sitting on the Bestseller rack. And then to see someone walk up, glance at it, maybe pick it up and read the back cover, then nod to themselves and take it to the counter to purchase it. I just wanted to know that somewhere out there, someone else is going on the adventure I went on inside my head. That they might be feeling what I felt as I took that journey, and that they might laugh... and cry... and love... the way I did.

But that dream was shattered when I lost that Tweety notebook. All that time and work... lost. I had written too much to rewrite it, and I was terrified that if I picked up a new notebook and started over, that I would lose that one too. So I gave up.

Life went on. I went through a barrage of career ideas and aspirations... I wanted to be a veterinarian, a pastry chef, a marine biologist, a storm chaser, a Nuclear Engineer... none of which ever worked out. Of course, I can't say I ever really gave anything a fair shot. Then I got married, became a wife and a mother, and realized that I was already living out my most precious hope:

To love and be loved, unconditionally. To be and FEEL wanted. To feel needed and to need someone else. To be a part of something greater than myself. To be a wife, and a mother, and a friend.

That right there was enough for me, and I was happy with it. Of course, old habits (and dreams) die hard. I was still writing poems and songs, albeit few and far between. I was still imagining, and I was still creating. Then one night, a few months ago, I had a dream.

Dreams like this one don't happen every night. They are the muses who visit your subconscious and stay for tea. They are the inspiration that drives you mad with ideas. They are what fantasy is made of. They are hope.

This dream showed me a world--no, a universe--that exists out there somewhere, and people need to know about it. I have the power to inform hundreds of thousands of people about this existence... and I have only to write it down.

So, I got back on the horse, so to speak. I got myself re-accustomed to a typing program (Open Office, since I don't have Microsoft Word) and I began to type. At first it was just a recollection of the events of that amazing dream; before I knew it I had a baseline in my head for an entire trilogy! The spark was reignited, and I knew once again that my calling was to write. And now I had no other choice... how could I keep this incredible story to myself?!

But, alas, I am afraid.

I am afraid for many reasons; here are my top few:

• I am afraid that I am going to lose it again. After all the work I've already done, what if it gets lost somehow? I know I can't handle that happening again.
• I am afraid that I'm going to get Writer's Block. I'm scared at the idea of writing SO much, only to get stuck and have to set it to the side, praying for inspiration that may never come. I'm scared that it will go unfinished.
• I am afraid that I'm going to get sidetracked. Not from my writing itself, but from the storyline. I'm terrified that I'm going to get hooked on one aspect of the story and end up writing too much about that part and deviate from the baseline enough that the story becomes warped, that people will begin to question the main characters or the purpose behind the story... I don't want to get off-track. I want to keep the focus on the main characters, while telling of these adventures they take, spending just enough time describing the worlds and creatures that they become familiar. I'm afraid, because I'm not sure if I can do that. I know I can, really, but I also know I don't have the self-confidence to recognize when I've done something worthwhile. It's difficult to recognize potential and not have faith in it. Which is part of why this is so terrifying.
• Which leads into my next fear, actually. I'm afraid that I'm going to let people down. The story itself is incredible, I have no doubt in my mind that people will love it. But the medium through which they first experience it is going to be my writing... my words... my books. Can I deliver it to them in such a way as to grab their attention, keep them hooked, and leave them wanting more? And if I were to spend all this time and effort writing a book, and in the end not have it published... I would be letting down my family, who encouraged me and told me they believed in me, my husband, who supported my dream, and I'd be letting myself down as well.

Despite all these fears, however, I am going to write this story. My fantastic brilliant incredible husband, who stands behind my dream and my need to write, went online last week and bought me a brand new laptop, so I can write wherever I go! I have my current writings backed up both on this laptop and on my desktop, and as soon as I get a printer, I'd like to keep hard copies of my work as well.

I am just starting this journey. I am almost done with two chapters, though I have three chapters worth besides these already typed out, just waiting for me to perfect them. This is going to take a while. There is a very good chance that it will not be done this year. But I promise you all, as I have promised myself, that I am going to write this.

And who knows? Maybe one day you'll find yourself strolling the aisles of Barnes and Noble, and you'll see a section in the Bestseller column that says Aspect: The Dragon King. Then maybe below that you'll see my name, Crystal Burton. Maybe you won't even know who I am, maybe you'll just like the name or the cover image. Maybe you'll pick it up and read the summary, and maybe it will interest you. You never would have thought you'd be picking up your new obsession when you set that book down at the check out counter. But maybe... just maybe... it'll happen.

I'll let you know how things are coming on it as I go. It won't be very often. I'm not setting myself a time frame or deadline--that would just rush things. But don't worry... I have hope, a laptop, and a great idea that says this is going to get out there. =)