Before you read this, I should warn you. This is a personal life experience of mine, and it is very hard for me to write. It was something that happened back in Junior year in high school, and something that I kept close to myself, only telling maybe two or three people (years later) who were closest to me. It's one of those life-changing events that shaped who I am today, and it's something I blamed myself for, for far too long. It's also one of those things that you regret... and there is simply no place in the short lives that we live for regret.
Something happened to someone I love somewhat recently, and they were strong enough to talk about their experience even though it hurt. I am writing this now because I want them to know that they are not alone. That they have someone they can talk to, that SO MANY people go through the same thing every year, and its sad how common it has become, but that there is a HUGE support system out there for people just like us. I am also writing this because I am making changes in my life, and it's just time to open up and be honest, and its just time to let go. This is a long story, and I do give some background before the actual event to give you an idea of where my mind was at the time this happened, and a few events that led up to it.
This isn't something a parent wants to hear about happening to their children. They don't want to hear about the choices their children made that put them in such a position, but they also just don't want to see their children get hurt. So to my parents, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, because I know you would have supported me the entire time. I'm sorry I didn't listen to any advice you gave that could have kept me out of this situation altogether... but it's in the past, and I am here admitting to it, getting it off my shoulders, and letting it go. So, it's time, for the last time, to let my mind wander back to the last few months of my junior year in high school...
When I was in high school, I met a boy named Charles. He was definitely not very good looking, and everyone that met him made sure to let me know (in case I hadn't noticed myself). Looking back I'm not sure what it was about him that I was even attracted to at all. Maybe it was the fact that he was a redneck, and for some reason I thought that "backwoods redneck hick" was the closest I was ever going to get to meeting the country boy I was married to in my dreams. Maybe it was because I was so co-dependent, and he was a "take charge" kind of guy. For whatever reason, I found myself fawning over him, following him wherever he went around school, doing things he asked (getting him drinks or candy, stuff like that). It was over the summer between Sophomore and Junior year that he finally realized he liked me. (Rather, he missed me... I'm not sure what ever truly went through his head. He was one for mind games... I know what you are thinking, and looking back I see all the warning signs that say "RUN AWAY" but I was a lovesick teenage girl... my mind refused to see those signs back then.) It was the third week of school starting back up again that he asked me out (finally!) and I was ecstatic.
We dated off and on for about 6 months or so. The "off" times were his own choosing. I'm not sure if he saw other people during those times, but things that my ex and him had both said to me in separate conversations lead me to believe that my ex was convincing him to break up with me so he had a chance to try to "steal" me away. Oh, the mind games we think we control in high school... It's things like that, that cause so much drama and make people hate those years. What I wouldn't give to go back to high school and experience the learning side of things again... to be in class, and to recognize useless drama for what it truly was...
Ah, but I'm rambling. I was 16 and half when Charles began attempting to move our relationship in a new direction. Sexually. Am I proud of my choices at this point? No, not at all. Do I have regrets at this point? Absolutely. Is there anything I can do today to change the past? No, but I can do better; I can accept it and let it go. When he began suggesting more physical contact, I was very scared. I had never done anything like he was proposing... I had barely even kissed anyone! But his arguments seemed valid, and I believed that I was in love with him. Love makes you blind... and in those teenage years, peer pressure is too heavy, and too easy to collapse under. It took him a month--just a month--to break down my self esteem and personal boundaries enough that I did the one thing that I shouldnt have--the one thing that had I not done, I would not have been through what I went through. I slept with him.
Too many women regret that moment; when you realize you gave your virginity to the absolutely wrong person. Too many women continue to dwell on it, myself included. Because of those regrets, I can never play music on my X-Box again, because the color patterns and visual effects that play were playing that day. I can never listen to the song "Moon Baby" by Godsmack ever again, because that song was playing that day (I don't really like that song anyways...). The only good thing that came of this terrible choice I made was the clarity of mind that followed.
It was after this day that I realized how Charles truly was. I realized that he was verbally and mentally abusive, in the ways he would order me around and tell me what to do; where to stand; when to follow him and when to stay; what he didn't like about me or how I looked; which of my friends he approved of and which he didn't want me around... it was one thing for me to need someone to lead me, but it was something entirely different to feel like a slave. I realized that he was physically abusive as well. He may have never actually hit me, but he would forcibly grab my wrists to lead me somewhere (rather than holding my hand and guiding me, like a man should). I occasionally noticed small bruises or soreness in my wrists because of that. He would come up behind me while I was chatting with my friends, and put his arm around my waist and carry me over towards his friends, and jerk me back against him, holding me there while he carried on conversations with his own friends (keeping me from mine). He was a lot more smooth than I give him credit for, though... He did all of this in one complete motion, always with a smile and a witty remark... he always looked laid back and relaxed, and so most people thought I was comfortable with it. Those same people laughed at my expense during times like these. I didn't know what else to do but laugh it off and assume that his confidence meant it was all in fun. But being treated like that by someone you think you care about is NOT something to laugh about. It was not funny, nor was it fun, and I wish I would have admitted that sooner. It would have saved me a lot of time wasted both on Charles and on those so-called "friends."
And so, after that day, I realized I needed to escape. About a week or so later, I broke up with him. He, of course, being as controlling and demanding as he was tried to stop me. For all his mind games, I thought I had him beat with a mind game of my own. I hung out with the one person in school I knew he couldn't stand to be around. After about a month I was able to ease back into my circle of friends, and over the following months Charles relaxed and seemed to acclimate to our separation well enough that we were on speaking terms, and were able to hang out in the same group at school again. But, alas, his game was far better than mine. If only I had known what he had in store for me, to pay me back...
And here, we arrive at that dreadful day. Oh, what I would give to prevent this day... the things I wish I would have done differently... And yet I have to continuously remind myself that it's not all my fault. I take blame for certain actions, but it is NOT my fault. I could never have really known...
One Friday, near the last few weeks of the school year, Charles invited me to hang out at his friends house (where he was living at the time). Of course I was wary, but so many factors were telling me that it was a harmless idea. We had been broken up for months, and he was telling me that he was sorry for how he acted and he wanted to try to mend what friendship we could have. He understood that we could never have a relationship again, but that did not mean that he wanted to lose me completely from his life. He was willing to work on his faults, if not for himself, but to be a better man for the next woman in his life. And after all, we had shared that one moment of loss and giving that is such a landmark in your life, and it's hard to ever really let go of the person you share that with. On top of that, his friend would be there; as a matter of fact, his friend would be the one driving us to his house and we would all hang out together. I didn't really know the friend very well. Although he was a part of our daily group that hung out under the stairs at lunch, we had never really talked--so I suppose I should have taken that into account--either way, I agreed to go hang out (pending the approval of my mother first, who allowed it on the condition that I was home by 6:00 pm).
After school, the three of us got into Corey's car. Corey driving, Charles up front, myself in the backseat. I was nervous, but I had never been very social and only had a few occasions that I hung out with friends outside of school, so I figured that I needed this anyways. I'm not sure what I thought we were going to do, aside from the typical phrase "hang out" (what does that ever truly consist of anyways?) perhaps we'd watch a movie or play a video game or something. When we arrived at Corey's house, I took note that the house itself was separate from Charles' room; his room appeared to be an add-on to the house of some sort, accessible just beside the front door. Charles opened his bedroom door to allow me to enter, and Corey stood behind Charles as if waiting his turn as well to walk into the room. Charles entered behind me, and just as Corey was stepping through the doorway, he stopped, and kind of shook his head for a second, saying "Ugh, I forgot to feed the cat this morning! Sorry guys, I'll be right back." And he instead went through the front door, shutting it behind him.
Then the real horror began. Charles gently closed his bedroom door and turned the lock.
It was only just before 4:00 pm. The sound of the lock clicking into place still sticks in my mind... It was right then that I knew I should not have been there. I backed up till I was at the far end of the room, afraid to turn my back on this guy that I no longer knew what he was capable of or what he would do next. I braced myself for anything that he could or would say, and I did expect the worse. What I did not expect was what he actually said. But I've already told you how good his mind games were. I was so naive to think I could have beaten him.
He began telling me he missed me. Telling me how he couldn't stand living without me, and how just something as simple as a hug from me every day is all he really wanted... you know, all those things a girl wants to hear. That I was pretty, that I was smart, that he was nothing without me... and for a few minutes, I began to ease up. I have to give myself credit here because I knew he was lying. But hearing that this was all he seemed to want to say, I assumed he missed having his little puppet to follow him around, and thought he'd try to get me back. He had locked the door, but I was starting to think that it was only so that he could pour out these obviously false feelings without worrying about Corey walking in and "disrupting the mood" that he thought he was creating, or possibly even so that Corey wouldn't hear Charles being so emotionally vulnerable (because we all know how hard it is to get a guy to admit he even has feelings at all, without him worrying about his friends finding out and making fun of him). And of course, I was quickly proven wrong, when Charles then asked me to sleep with him again.
Seriously? I mean, did he really think I was just going to say yes because he said some nice things that I knew right then were all lies? I outright told him no, that it was over the day I broke up with him and that sleeping with him even once had been a mistake that I was not going to make again. I moved towards the door and told him I was going to get Corey and go home, that I didn't want to be there anymore. He quickly and smoothly stepped in front of the door and blocked my only escape route. He did not make any immediate motions toward me, or try to grab me or anything... he simply stood there, presenting his argument as to why I should sleep with him. I'm not sure I was even really listening, because I was panicking and trying to think of anything I could do or say to get out of there. Any further movement I made toward the door led to him shifting his position to block me, and he was much stronger than I was. He could have easily forced himself upon me if he had wanted to. Shouting didnt work, because I could hear what I assume was the TV or radio, and it turned out to be just the three of us there anyways (Corey's mom was apparently still at work). I couldn't call anyone in front of Charles, because I knew he would take any phone away from me. I had given up hope that Corey would come back. So I stood there, on the opposite side of the room as far from him as possible, tears streaming down my face, begging him to let me go home. His only response, every time, was simply "All you have to do is say yes, and you can go. You're the one putting it off, keeping yourself here. The faster you say yes, the sooner you can leave. Just say yes."
It was getting closer and closer to 6:00 pm, and I knew I would be in SO much trouble if I was late... getting home late had always been a big problem for me. It was already 5:30 pm, it takes maybe 7 to 10 minutes to drive home, depending on how many of the 4 red lights we hit along the way... If I didn't do something soon, I was going to be in trouble, and I didn't want to have to admit that I had put myself into this situation. So at 5:48 pm, I did the only thing I could think of that I knew would get me out of there... I said yes. Through the tears, through the silent screams of my heart and mind, through all my thoughts and fears and regrets, I laid down and let him do what he did. I took no part in it, and stared at the ceiling trying to distract myself from my self-hatred and weakness and rock-bottom self esteem. It might have taken maybe 10 minutes, though it felt like hours. When he was finished, he stood up, smiling, and saying "well now that wasn't so bad, was it?" I guess he didn't look at my face, or my body language, because maybe he would have thought twice before asking that. He threw on some jeans and tossed the used condom in a jar on his night stand, then with a carefree air about him, he unlocked and opened his door, then knocked on the front door a few times and leaned against the doorway, waiting for Corey to come out. I took this time to quickly dress and wipe the tears from my eyes, holding back the rivers that wanted to flow and trying to assume some veil of self-control, however thin. It was all I could cling to at such a low point in my life, and I needed to cling to something.
Corey came out a few minutes later, petting a small kitten. Charles nodded at him, and Corey smirked and shook his head, and told us to "wait a sec" and he'll throw on some shoes to take me home. Right at that moment, a few things began to slide into place and I started to gain some sort of sick, twisted understanding. Charles had asked Corey to come up with some excuse so we could be alone. He planned for this to happen all along. As I was walking down the driveway toward the car, I glanced back just in time to see Charles pointing into his room towards his nightstand, and I just barely managed to hear him say "she was practically begging for it!" and laughing. And I had thought I couldnt feel any worse... I sat silently for the car ride home, staring at my hands in my lap, trying to ignore the guys discussing how easy girls were becoming these days. It was past 6:00 pm at this point, and I was trying to figure out what to say to explain my tardiness to my mother (I couldnt possibly tell her what actually happened, she would be mad and I would get into so much trouble).
I was nearly 15 minutes late getting home that day. Naturally, I was punished from going anywhere else after school (and what a welcome punishment that was! I never wanted to go anywhere else ever again.). Come Monday morning, I dreaded going to school and having to stand in front of my friends, fearing they all knew what had happened and would laugh and mock me and hurt me. Turns out I was partially right... Charles was spreading a rumor that I had gone over there and came onto him, begging to get back together and willing to do whatever he wanted to achieve that... of course his story also ends in him taking advantage of my generosity and then turning me down for a relationship. I'm not sure how many of my friends heard his story, but the ones that did chose not to ask me about it, as if maybe I was embarrassed at being "turned down" and didnt want them to bring it up. I knew what they must have thought but I was grateful for their silence all the same. The guys, on the other hand, were not so considerate. I had many offers and advances after that, and could not trust even a smile from a male, because I could imagine what was going through their heads... It took almost 9 months before I had another boyfriend, and to my credit I did not have any further sexual contact with anyone until much later after high school. And how could I? I never wanted anyone to touch me like that again.
I had felt like it was all my fault. I can look back and see every choice I made that led up to that event. The fact that Charles did not touch me at all until I had officially said yes, of my own free will, convinced me that it was not rape at all, and I had no right to claim such a thing. It wasn't until years later, in a mandatory sexual assault seminar in the Navy, that someone mentioned something similar to my situation, and stated that it IS, in fact, rape.
I began rethinking the entire thing, as painful as it was to recall, and even though I can still to this day point out so many things that I wish I had done differently that could have prevented that day from happening, I know it was his fault. I can say, and be 100% honest while saying it, that it was NOT my fault. I never fully recovered from this, I have always had a measure of mistrust, and any chance at repairing my shattered self-worth and self esteem seemed long gone. It is only in the last few years that I have been able to bring myself back together and realize that I am worth so much more that he made me feel. The sense of unity, structure, discipline, and pride that the Navy offered me did help a lot, although I do not recommend entering the military as a way to cope. The internet is such a large network, an easy way to find other people that are struggling through the emotions and backlash from rape and sexual assault, and I do recommend using that to your advantage. Find a support group, start a blog... do not be afraid to share your experiences and learn from others'. I know firsthand how hard it is to handle something that brings you down to such a dark place in your mind, but I am here today, strong and proud, to show you that it gets better.
I was lucky that Charles only attended Senior year at my high school for the first month, after which time he moved to a different county with his mother and I never saw him again. I know that not everyone is so lucky, and some are forced to stare into the face of their offender day after day, a constant reminder of such a traumatizing experience.
Things like this just shouldn't happen... but they are all too common, and it's a sad fact of life. I am not saying in any way that it's "normal" or "okay", because it is NOT. I still do not understand what makes a person think that doing something like this is a good idea. For those unfortunate enough to have been through something similar... It's not your fault. Not enough people realize that it's not their fault... as I said it took me years to understand this. I have finally written this and put it out there, to reach out to other people like me who have been a victim of something so horrible and so wrong, and to tell you all that you will be alright. It is not your fault. If you have been through something like this, I am here for you. I understand. And it will be alright. Everything will be alright.
Friday, December 16, 2011
The Stronger Woman in Me
I've been feeling a little lost lately.
*sigh* Okay, very lost.
But, why?
Because I've looked myself in the mirror one too many times and hated what I've seen. Because I've realized that my day-to-day "routine" (or lack thereof) has gotten me depressed, bored, lonely... it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning, to remember to make lunch (if not for me, for the kids. I shouldnt have to wait for my son to lead me to the kitchen door to remember that humans need food to survive). Because I lay down in bed at night and realize that I havent eaten all day. Because I hate my body, I can see every flaw... every extra pound seems to double the size of my reflection. Because I see that my house is a wreck--toys and plates and cans and bottles stacking on side tables, laundry that needs to be folded and dishes that must be washed. I see it all, and I think to myself, "I need to clean that." But I can't find the motivation to actually get up and do any of it. Because NOT taking care of it is even more depressing, and brings me down farther. It's an endless, vicious, cycle.
This is a problem.
I am a mother, a wife, and a woman. All three of those roles that I play have their own wants and needs. And I have neglected them all. But no longer... I can't just sit here and let depression consume and overwhelm me. I must relax, lean back, and let my negative emotions be swept away by the tides of change. I must bring about this change on my own; too many people have told me, that if you don't like something, you are the ONLY person who can fix it. I am lost because I am not leading myself in my own life.
What are the qualities of a good leader?
Being truthful and honest; I need to admit to myself when I am not happy, and stop putting on a smile and a show for everyone else just so that no one will worry. I need people to worry. It's what makes me feel the need to fix things. I need to tell myself, "why are you pretending that this doesnt upset you? What do you stand to gain by putting up with this, when you gain so much more from admitting you're not happy?"
Being open and vocal; I need to admit to others when I am not happy, when my happiness in an area of my life is dependent (or at least co-dependent) upon them. I cannot fall into that trap of thinking that someone knows what I am feeling. They will never know for sure unless I say something. I can't be mad when someone doesn't do what I need them to do, if I never told them what I needed in the first place.
Listening to both sides of a story; I am living my life through my own eyes, so naturally I am seeing everything one-sided, filtering through my mind and emotions. But I shouldnt sit back and think that everything I see and feel is right. I need to ask those I interact with on a daily basis what they are seeing and feeling as well. I never know what similarities or differences we'll come up with, and that can be very helpful when deciding what to change to make things better.
Taking the first step; Most people are followers. It takes a very special kind of person to be a leader. Even when it comes to your own life... I know this firsthand, because I realized when I was still in high school that I was very co-dependent--always had to have someone with me at all times, could never make a decision on my own, always asked others what they wanted to do or talk about or where they wanted to go, because I was afraid of doing anything alone-- and so I followed. I have been a follower for most of my life. Now it's time for me to be a leader. If not for anyone else, for myself. Because right now, I have no direction, no goal... And NO ONE else can give me those things.
Understanding; I understand that these things take time. Change does not always happen overnight. But the great thing about change is that the goal isn't always as important as the journey. Every small step I make towards being a better person, a stronger woman, it all counts. It is like, baking a cake. You dont pour the batter into a cakepan and suddenly have a cake. You have to bake it, and every minute in the oven is NEEDED to make that cake light and fluffy and delicious. I am starting to bake my own cake, in a way. I am the batter, ready to be shaped and molded and changed. Reaching my goal... well, that's just the icing on the cake, so to speak. ;)
So, here goes nothing...
I am not happy. I need help. I am asking for change. I can only do so much on my own, and I need people to work with me to change those things that affect more than just me. I have needs and demands that MUST be met. I will not beg, and I will not shout. I will relay my thoughts as calmly and as efficiently as possible.
The majority of the problems are things that I am holding myself back from. There are times that I know I would be happy if only I did something differently... if i stood up and made a change. Those things, I can and must do on my own. All I am asking in those areas is for a little support. And I already know that I have that support from a lot of people, people that have told me go ahead and do what I want and need, and in those times it is my own co-dependency that is holding me back.
I love being a wife and a mother, I love my husband and I love my children. My family is my life, and my major source of love and support. I cannot say that I wouldnt be who I am today if not for them... because I do not like who I am today. But I can say that I would not have the motivation to be a better person if it was not for them. They make me WANT to be a better person.
I hate the viewpoint society has on women, and it kind of makes me resent being female at all. You must look a certain way, act a certain way, be willing to do certain things for the good of mankind. Well, if I am to be honest with myself now, I don't care if society calls for stick-figure women with specific curves and personality traits. There are parts about myself that I love and refuse to change. I love video games. I love books. I love to knit and crochet. I love to skin animals. I refuse to be anyone else when it comes to my hobbies and personality. Granted, I hate my body. I hate how I look. But my husband loves me and every curve I have. Does it matter what other people think or expect a woman to look like? Not at all. My husband is the only man that has to like my body, and even that comes second to myself. I have to love who I am, and accept how I look. If i am not willing to accept my body, then I am the only person who can change that. And you know what? I think I will.
This isnt going to happen quickly. I might not notice much of a change at first. But a change in attitude... it's the REAL "first step". And that step, I take today. I take now.
I think Jewel says it very well in her song, "A Stronger Woman in Me". That song is playing right now, in the playlist I keep in my head, and it's very fitting. In a way, it helps motivate me, because it reminds me that I'm not alone in this. There are plenty of other people out there that are thinking this same thing RIGHT NOW. Maybe they are listening to Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" (which is also on my mental playlist). Maybe they are listening to Michael Bublé, "Haven't Met You Yet" and imagining that the "you" in the song is the person they want to become. Whatever your playlist or theme song, you are not alone. We all have changes we want to make. Take your time, figure out what it is YOU want, and reach for it. Don't let anyone else decide how you are going to live your life. Because it is the one thing you have, and you never know how long you will have it.
Thus, the change begins.
*sigh* Okay, very lost.
But, why?
Because I've looked myself in the mirror one too many times and hated what I've seen. Because I've realized that my day-to-day "routine" (or lack thereof) has gotten me depressed, bored, lonely... it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning, to remember to make lunch (if not for me, for the kids. I shouldnt have to wait for my son to lead me to the kitchen door to remember that humans need food to survive). Because I lay down in bed at night and realize that I havent eaten all day. Because I hate my body, I can see every flaw... every extra pound seems to double the size of my reflection. Because I see that my house is a wreck--toys and plates and cans and bottles stacking on side tables, laundry that needs to be folded and dishes that must be washed. I see it all, and I think to myself, "I need to clean that." But I can't find the motivation to actually get up and do any of it. Because NOT taking care of it is even more depressing, and brings me down farther. It's an endless, vicious, cycle.
This is a problem.
I am a mother, a wife, and a woman. All three of those roles that I play have their own wants and needs. And I have neglected them all. But no longer... I can't just sit here and let depression consume and overwhelm me. I must relax, lean back, and let my negative emotions be swept away by the tides of change. I must bring about this change on my own; too many people have told me, that if you don't like something, you are the ONLY person who can fix it. I am lost because I am not leading myself in my own life.
What are the qualities of a good leader?
Being truthful and honest; I need to admit to myself when I am not happy, and stop putting on a smile and a show for everyone else just so that no one will worry. I need people to worry. It's what makes me feel the need to fix things. I need to tell myself, "why are you pretending that this doesnt upset you? What do you stand to gain by putting up with this, when you gain so much more from admitting you're not happy?"
Being open and vocal; I need to admit to others when I am not happy, when my happiness in an area of my life is dependent (or at least co-dependent) upon them. I cannot fall into that trap of thinking that someone knows what I am feeling. They will never know for sure unless I say something. I can't be mad when someone doesn't do what I need them to do, if I never told them what I needed in the first place.
Listening to both sides of a story; I am living my life through my own eyes, so naturally I am seeing everything one-sided, filtering through my mind and emotions. But I shouldnt sit back and think that everything I see and feel is right. I need to ask those I interact with on a daily basis what they are seeing and feeling as well. I never know what similarities or differences we'll come up with, and that can be very helpful when deciding what to change to make things better.
Taking the first step; Most people are followers. It takes a very special kind of person to be a leader. Even when it comes to your own life... I know this firsthand, because I realized when I was still in high school that I was very co-dependent--always had to have someone with me at all times, could never make a decision on my own, always asked others what they wanted to do or talk about or where they wanted to go, because I was afraid of doing anything alone-- and so I followed. I have been a follower for most of my life. Now it's time for me to be a leader. If not for anyone else, for myself. Because right now, I have no direction, no goal... And NO ONE else can give me those things.
Understanding; I understand that these things take time. Change does not always happen overnight. But the great thing about change is that the goal isn't always as important as the journey. Every small step I make towards being a better person, a stronger woman, it all counts. It is like, baking a cake. You dont pour the batter into a cakepan and suddenly have a cake. You have to bake it, and every minute in the oven is NEEDED to make that cake light and fluffy and delicious. I am starting to bake my own cake, in a way. I am the batter, ready to be shaped and molded and changed. Reaching my goal... well, that's just the icing on the cake, so to speak. ;)
So, here goes nothing...
I am not happy. I need help. I am asking for change. I can only do so much on my own, and I need people to work with me to change those things that affect more than just me. I have needs and demands that MUST be met. I will not beg, and I will not shout. I will relay my thoughts as calmly and as efficiently as possible.
The majority of the problems are things that I am holding myself back from. There are times that I know I would be happy if only I did something differently... if i stood up and made a change. Those things, I can and must do on my own. All I am asking in those areas is for a little support. And I already know that I have that support from a lot of people, people that have told me go ahead and do what I want and need, and in those times it is my own co-dependency that is holding me back.
I love being a wife and a mother, I love my husband and I love my children. My family is my life, and my major source of love and support. I cannot say that I wouldnt be who I am today if not for them... because I do not like who I am today. But I can say that I would not have the motivation to be a better person if it was not for them. They make me WANT to be a better person.
I hate the viewpoint society has on women, and it kind of makes me resent being female at all. You must look a certain way, act a certain way, be willing to do certain things for the good of mankind. Well, if I am to be honest with myself now, I don't care if society calls for stick-figure women with specific curves and personality traits. There are parts about myself that I love and refuse to change. I love video games. I love books. I love to knit and crochet. I love to skin animals. I refuse to be anyone else when it comes to my hobbies and personality. Granted, I hate my body. I hate how I look. But my husband loves me and every curve I have. Does it matter what other people think or expect a woman to look like? Not at all. My husband is the only man that has to like my body, and even that comes second to myself. I have to love who I am, and accept how I look. If i am not willing to accept my body, then I am the only person who can change that. And you know what? I think I will.
This isnt going to happen quickly. I might not notice much of a change at first. But a change in attitude... it's the REAL "first step". And that step, I take today. I take now.
I think Jewel says it very well in her song, "A Stronger Woman in Me". That song is playing right now, in the playlist I keep in my head, and it's very fitting. In a way, it helps motivate me, because it reminds me that I'm not alone in this. There are plenty of other people out there that are thinking this same thing RIGHT NOW. Maybe they are listening to Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" (which is also on my mental playlist). Maybe they are listening to Michael Bublé, "Haven't Met You Yet" and imagining that the "you" in the song is the person they want to become. Whatever your playlist or theme song, you are not alone. We all have changes we want to make. Take your time, figure out what it is YOU want, and reach for it. Don't let anyone else decide how you are going to live your life. Because it is the one thing you have, and you never know how long you will have it.
Thus, the change begins.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Top Ten: Just Passing Time
I woke up early this morning, fed my four month old son, did the dishes, and baked some muffins for breakfast, to be ready when my two year old finally got out of bed. Then, with a (mostly) clean house and very little left to do in the way of chores, I brought up my cherished online game, ready to tackle the achievements and quests that the game has to offer. I completely forgot that today is Tuesday, which means that my game has it's weekly maintenance and so will be down for a couple of hours. This game is what I consider my "prize" for the amount of patience and understanding I have, being a mother of these two troublemakers. Each mom has their own little "getaway", and this is mine.
I love my boys, but I still havent figured out how they manage some of the things they do. Such as how my oldest can be playing peacefully in his room when I start lunch, and by the time I come out of the kitchen with his grilled cheese sandwich, he will have found a way into the bathroom, tearing off toilet paper one square at a time, pretending to wipe with it, then putting it in the toilet. Or how he found his way into the bathroom sink, brushing his teeth with my toothbrush. Or even how my four month old figured out how to not only roll over in his crib, but how to get to the complete other side of it and tear the musical toy off the railing and drench it in drool.
So, I started thinking of things I can do to pass the time, and remembered once again that today is Tuesday--which means time for a Top Ten! Except I didn't actually write a top ten. So this is not a top ten, about the top ten things I will do until my game is back online.
1. Give the boys a bath. It has been 3 days for the youngest and one day for the oldest since their last baths. They both enjoy their playtime in the tub, and getting clean is just an added bonus!
2. Start dinner. Days when I have lots of extra time on my hands means days that I can cook long and elaborate meals, such as the pot roast that has been sitting in the deep freezer waiting for the right time to be cooked.
3. Get up-to-date on Facebook. I go through phases where I'm on Facebook all the time, then I'm not on it more than once a week. Checking up on recent status posts, updating my own status, and seeing what all is new in the family, possibly even uploading a few more pictures from our albums.
4. Not writing a top ten. I haven't posted to my blog in a while, mostly because I haven't had anything to say that I felt was anywhere near interesting enough to share with the world. It's already a bit late in the day, so I will post this as a top ten, but it's not something I would normally write for such an awesome blog trend. But everyone has those days where they write their "not a top ten". This is mine =)
5. Reading a book. I am currently awaiting the last book in my favorite series, The Wheel of Time By Robert Jordan (the last few books finished by Brandon Sanderson after the original author passed away). Since it won't be coming out until sometime next year, my husband has bought me what seems like a billion other book series' to help me pass the time. I am currently reading the World of Warcraft books, which although not exactly based off the game, do give me a lot of background and insight into the past history of the game and its better known characters.
6. Replacing batteries. Quite a few of the kids' toys have run through their battery life, and I have been reluctant to restore them to their full volumed bells and whistles. However, we did not buy the toys for their ability to be quiet, but because the sounds keep the boys occupied and content. So, I shall finally bring the toys back to life at the risk of losing my sanity (and hearing).
7. Cleaning and re-cleaning. Keeping the house clean is an ongoing mission. It never stops, it just gets easier or harder depending on how active my son is or if my husband's friends visit that weekend. My two year old and I play this game, where every time he goes into the living room he sets up his toy animals all over the place. The lion sleeps on the couch, the rhinoceros guards the front door, the family of giraffes parade across the ottoman, and the gorillas wander across the entire floor. Then every time I go into the living room, I return them all to the "jungle", a special shelf I have designated just for his animals. Then my son returns to the living room, and the cycle repeats itself. I think it's my turn to play, because when I let the dog out this morning I'm pretty sure there was a yak on the pool table.
8. Restock diapers and wipes throughout the house. Three different rooms in my house have stacks of two different sizes of diapers and a full container of wipes. Im getting a bit low in a few rooms, and it's time to refill the wipe containers anyways (it's not fun when you run out of wipes in the middle of a very messy diaper and have to manage your way to another room for more with a wiggling baby).
9. Write out a shopping list. We are on a budget this month, since most of our money is going towards our vacation in two weeks. So since I will be going shopping this week, it is a good idea to have a list already ready, to ensure that I only buy what I need and dont get to the store and suddenly feel like I need to buy a carton of strawberries and three boxes of popcorn.
10. Sleep. Hahahaha... this one is only wishful thinking. Once my boys are awake, there is no sleeping for mommy again till after everyone is in bed that night. Now, the boys can take naps if they feel like it, but the moment my head hits the pillow they are wide awake and either hungry or extremely hyper.
Well, looks like I found a few things to do today after all. =)
I love my boys, but I still havent figured out how they manage some of the things they do. Such as how my oldest can be playing peacefully in his room when I start lunch, and by the time I come out of the kitchen with his grilled cheese sandwich, he will have found a way into the bathroom, tearing off toilet paper one square at a time, pretending to wipe with it, then putting it in the toilet. Or how he found his way into the bathroom sink, brushing his teeth with my toothbrush. Or even how my four month old figured out how to not only roll over in his crib, but how to get to the complete other side of it and tear the musical toy off the railing and drench it in drool.
So, I started thinking of things I can do to pass the time, and remembered once again that today is Tuesday--which means time for a Top Ten! Except I didn't actually write a top ten. So this is not a top ten, about the top ten things I will do until my game is back online.
1. Give the boys a bath. It has been 3 days for the youngest and one day for the oldest since their last baths. They both enjoy their playtime in the tub, and getting clean is just an added bonus!
2. Start dinner. Days when I have lots of extra time on my hands means days that I can cook long and elaborate meals, such as the pot roast that has been sitting in the deep freezer waiting for the right time to be cooked.
3. Get up-to-date on Facebook. I go through phases where I'm on Facebook all the time, then I'm not on it more than once a week. Checking up on recent status posts, updating my own status, and seeing what all is new in the family, possibly even uploading a few more pictures from our albums.
4. Not writing a top ten. I haven't posted to my blog in a while, mostly because I haven't had anything to say that I felt was anywhere near interesting enough to share with the world. It's already a bit late in the day, so I will post this as a top ten, but it's not something I would normally write for such an awesome blog trend. But everyone has those days where they write their "not a top ten". This is mine =)
5. Reading a book. I am currently awaiting the last book in my favorite series, The Wheel of Time By Robert Jordan (the last few books finished by Brandon Sanderson after the original author passed away). Since it won't be coming out until sometime next year, my husband has bought me what seems like a billion other book series' to help me pass the time. I am currently reading the World of Warcraft books, which although not exactly based off the game, do give me a lot of background and insight into the past history of the game and its better known characters.
6. Replacing batteries. Quite a few of the kids' toys have run through their battery life, and I have been reluctant to restore them to their full volumed bells and whistles. However, we did not buy the toys for their ability to be quiet, but because the sounds keep the boys occupied and content. So, I shall finally bring the toys back to life at the risk of losing my sanity (and hearing).
7. Cleaning and re-cleaning. Keeping the house clean is an ongoing mission. It never stops, it just gets easier or harder depending on how active my son is or if my husband's friends visit that weekend. My two year old and I play this game, where every time he goes into the living room he sets up his toy animals all over the place. The lion sleeps on the couch, the rhinoceros guards the front door, the family of giraffes parade across the ottoman, and the gorillas wander across the entire floor. Then every time I go into the living room, I return them all to the "jungle", a special shelf I have designated just for his animals. Then my son returns to the living room, and the cycle repeats itself. I think it's my turn to play, because when I let the dog out this morning I'm pretty sure there was a yak on the pool table.
8. Restock diapers and wipes throughout the house. Three different rooms in my house have stacks of two different sizes of diapers and a full container of wipes. Im getting a bit low in a few rooms, and it's time to refill the wipe containers anyways (it's not fun when you run out of wipes in the middle of a very messy diaper and have to manage your way to another room for more with a wiggling baby).
9. Write out a shopping list. We are on a budget this month, since most of our money is going towards our vacation in two weeks. So since I will be going shopping this week, it is a good idea to have a list already ready, to ensure that I only buy what I need and dont get to the store and suddenly feel like I need to buy a carton of strawberries and three boxes of popcorn.
10. Sleep. Hahahaha... this one is only wishful thinking. Once my boys are awake, there is no sleeping for mommy again till after everyone is in bed that night. Now, the boys can take naps if they feel like it, but the moment my head hits the pillow they are wide awake and either hungry or extremely hyper.
Well, looks like I found a few things to do today after all. =)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Top Ten: What I love ♥ about my Husband
My hubby has to work overnight tonight in Dallas, and after he left for work this morning I couldn't fall back asleep. I already had most of a Top Ten written, but as I laid in bed trying to go back to sleep, I began thinking of how much I miss him already, and it inspired me to change my theme at the last minute. So next week you might hear about the Top Ten things I think children under 18 should have, or maybe Top Ten things me and my sister did while she was here this summer. But today, I want to share with you something extra special. The Top Ten things I love ♥ about my husband.
1. I love ♥ his Cowboy style. Don't get me wrong, I am one of the first people to tell you that it's what's on the INSIDE that counts. But my husband has it all, both inside and out. The first time I laid eyes on him, I fell in love with him. He was wearing tight blue jeans, a button up shirt, cowboy boots, a black Stetson cowboy hat, and the biggest belt buckle I had ever seen. He was country cowboy from his head down to his boots. He doesnt dress like that all the time, which doesnt matter because I think he looks good no matter what he's wearing, but whenever he gets dressed up all cowboy style, I get flashbacks of the first time we met, and I fall in love all over again.
2. I love ♥ that he's smart. I met my husband in the Navy, in Nuclear Power school. You have to have a certain IQ for that job... you have to get a very high score on the ASVAB (military placement test), and you have to have the ability to learn difficult things very quickly. I survived well enough, but my husband amazed me-- no, AMAZES me-- with the things he is able to learn, and the rapidity with which he learns them. The intellectual conversations we have from time to time remind me that he can do anything he puts his mind to.
3. I love ♥ how hard he tries. My husband is in a constant state of denial about just how good we have it out here. He looks at every dollar we dont have, instead of every dollar we do, and he sees every problem we have instead of every problem we dont. In a way, you might consider that a flaw. But it's those thoughts that lead him to be so thoughtful and caring. It's because of those thoughts that he works harder and tries his best to get me anything I could ever need/want. And I will never get tired of reminding him that all I need is him. Seeing how hard he tries is what lets me know how much he cares.
4. I love ♥ his architectural skills. And his mechanical skills. And his technological skills. Okay, I just love his skills. He can build anything he thinks of, from remodeling the bathroom to building new bird cages to building a trebuchet (kinda like a catapult). He can change a tire, change the oil, change the headlight lamp when it blows. He can fix my car's A/C or completely replace his truck's clutch. He rewired the entire house and built me a computer from parts he ordered. Is there anything my hubby can't do?
5. I love ♥ that he supports my hobbies. No matter what I like to do, whether it's knit and crochet, start a garden, skinning and tanning furs, or reading a 15 book series, my husband is right there to support it. He helps me research what I'm going to do and find out the best ways to get started. He buys me any and all supplies I might need, and he asks around at work to see if anyone's wives do the same things or have any advice. Even if he has no interest in ever doing it himself (like with blogging) he still stands behind me and encourages me.
6. I love ♥ what we have in common. From things so simple as "we both like the Harry Potter movies" to things as complicated as "we can both glide through Calculus", the things we have in common-- both big and small-- bring us together and give us plenty to bond over and talk about for hours. We both like movies, and so our collection is enormous. We both like animals, and we have a farm full to prove it. We both like all the same foods, so I know that he will eat anything I cook.
7. I love ♥ what we dont have in common. Our differences tend to compliment each other. For example, he doesnt like to read, and I love to read. So during long car trips, I will bring along a book and read it to him aloud as he drives. He's a dog person, I'm a cat person. He likes it more outdoors, whereas I prefer the safety and comfort inside. If we had everything in common, our lives would be so boring. But because of our differences, we always have something new to talk about, and new things to learn and teach each other.
8. I love ♥ his affection. I love when he hugs me just because he can. When I'm cooking or cleaning, and he comes over and puts his arms around me and smiles. When I'm being a geek or a nerd, and he laughs at me, but when I turn around to look at him he has such a look of love in his eyes. When we're driving to town and he holds my hand in the car. I love all those little moments.
PS: Thank you sweetie, for giving me the Red Qiraji Battle Tank, when you won it. You knew how rare it was, and you still gave it to me. I love you. ♥ xoxo
9. I love ♥ his personality. He's funny, he's smart, he's talented... but he doesn't brag about anything. I think I could write a book about everything I love about him, but since I only have room for 10 today, I think I will leave it at "his personality." Just everything about him.
10. I know it's über nerdy, but because of our shared passion for it, it belongs in the Top Ten.
I love ♥ that he plays World of Warcraft. It is a computer game that has taken over the geek world, and although it has been around for years already, it is constantly growing in popularity. I picked it up myself in Nuclear School and I was hooked instantly. I introduced everyone I knew to this game, and I was thrilled to see my hubby pick it up as well. As a matter of fact, I think he's better at it than I am! Apart from a small twinge of jealousy, that thought makes me insanely happy. Because when he's good at something, he sticks with it.
We get online and play together and with our friends, and we can give each other gifts and things in-game. We can even send each other little messages back and forth (which is funny since our computers are in the same room, so we're right near each other when we send them). World of Warcraft, however addicting a game it might be, is a great bonding tool for my husband and I. When we can't go out on a date in the real world, whether because of a lack of a babysitter or lack of expendable cash or lack of time, we can always go in-game... we can fly on the wings of magical creatures, and soar above mystical lands. We can set up a Great Feast and have a picnic on top of a waterfall. We can explore mountains and caves, swamps and forests. We can relax and go fishing! Or go on an adventure through a dungeon, fighting side by side. The possibilities are endless, and I'm proud to share them with my hubby.
I have half a million other reasons I love my husband, but today was only about 10. Why do you love your significant other? :)
2. I love ♥ that he's smart. I met my husband in the Navy, in Nuclear Power school. You have to have a certain IQ for that job... you have to get a very high score on the ASVAB (military placement test), and you have to have the ability to learn difficult things very quickly. I survived well enough, but my husband amazed me-- no, AMAZES me-- with the things he is able to learn, and the rapidity with which he learns them. The intellectual conversations we have from time to time remind me that he can do anything he puts his mind to.3. I love ♥ how hard he tries. My husband is in a constant state of denial about just how good we have it out here. He looks at every dollar we dont have, instead of every dollar we do, and he sees every problem we have instead of every problem we dont. In a way, you might consider that a flaw. But it's those thoughts that lead him to be so thoughtful and caring. It's because of those thoughts that he works harder and tries his best to get me anything I could ever need/want. And I will never get tired of reminding him that all I need is him. Seeing how hard he tries is what lets me know how much he cares.
5. I love ♥ that he supports my hobbies. No matter what I like to do, whether it's knit and crochet, start a garden, skinning and tanning furs, or reading a 15 book series, my husband is right there to support it. He helps me research what I'm going to do and find out the best ways to get started. He buys me any and all supplies I might need, and he asks around at work to see if anyone's wives do the same things or have any advice. Even if he has no interest in ever doing it himself (like with blogging) he still stands behind me and encourages me.
7. I love ♥ what we dont have in common. Our differences tend to compliment each other. For example, he doesnt like to read, and I love to read. So during long car trips, I will bring along a book and read it to him aloud as he drives. He's a dog person, I'm a cat person. He likes it more outdoors, whereas I prefer the safety and comfort inside. If we had everything in common, our lives would be so boring. But because of our differences, we always have something new to talk about, and new things to learn and teach each other.
8. I love ♥ his affection. I love when he hugs me just because he can. When I'm cooking or cleaning, and he comes over and puts his arms around me and smiles. When I'm being a geek or a nerd, and he laughs at me, but when I turn around to look at him he has such a look of love in his eyes. When we're driving to town and he holds my hand in the car. I love all those little moments.
PS: Thank you sweetie, for giving me the Red Qiraji Battle Tank, when you won it. You knew how rare it was, and you still gave it to me. I love you. ♥ xoxo
10. I know it's über nerdy, but because of our shared passion for it, it belongs in the Top Ten.
We get online and play together and with our friends, and we can give each other gifts and things in-game. We can even send each other little messages back and forth (which is funny since our computers are in the same room, so we're right near each other when we send them). World of Warcraft, however addicting a game it might be, is a great bonding tool for my husband and I. When we can't go out on a date in the real world, whether because of a lack of a babysitter or lack of expendable cash or lack of time, we can always go in-game... we can fly on the wings of magical creatures, and soar above mystical lands. We can set up a Great Feast and have a picnic on top of a waterfall. We can explore mountains and caves, swamps and forests. We can relax and go fishing! Or go on an adventure through a dungeon, fighting side by side. The possibilities are endless, and I'm proud to share them with my hubby.
I have half a million other reasons I love my husband, but today was only about 10. Why do you love your significant other? :)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup
Since my husband wasn't feeling very good this week, I searched online for a good meal to make his iffy stomach. I happened across a recipe for homemade chicken noodle soup (the entire thing is homemade, including the broth). It caught my eye because the recipe is from America's Test Kitchen, and I happened to have seen the exact episode in which they made it, and it sounded good. So I just made it this evening for dinner, and it turns out to be really good! It's got flavor, but it's still gentle on your stomach. Everyone loved it, so I'm sharing the recipe with you here.
Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup
Total Preparation Time: 45 minutes
Actual Cooking Time: 1 hour 20 minutes
Number of Servings: 4-6
Ingredients:
1 Tablespoon Vegetable oil
1 Whole chicken (about 4 pounds), breast removed and split, remaining chicken cut into 2-inch pieces
2 Medium onions , cut into medium dice (I used one huge onion since I couldnt find 2 smaller ones)
2 quarts Boiling water
Table salt
2 Bay leaves
1 Large carrot , peeled and sliced 1/4-inch thick
1 Medium rib celery , sliced 1/4-inch thick
1/4 teaspoon Dried thyme
2 cups Egg noodles (3 ounces), preferably wide (I used about 2 1/2 cups)
1/4 cup Minced fresh parsley leaves
Ground black pepper
Preparation:
1. Heat oil in large soup kettle. When oil shimmers and starts to smoke, add chicken breast halves; saute until brown on both sides, about 5 minutes. Remove and set aside.
2. Add half of chopped onions to kettle; saute until colored and softened slightly, 2-3 minutes. Transfer to medium bowl; set aside.
3. Add half of chicken pieces; sauté until no longer pink, 4 to 5 minutes. Transfer to bowl with onions.
4. Sauté remaining chicken pieces. (The only reason the chicken pieces are cooked seperately is to save room in the pot.) Return onions and chicken pieces (excluding breasts) to kettle. Reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer until chicken releases its juices, about 20 minutes.
5. Increase heat to high; add boiling water along with both breast halves, 2 teaspoons salt, and bay leaves. Return to simmer, then cover and barely simmer until chicken breasts are cooked and broth is rich and flavorful, about 20 minutes
6. Remove chicken breasts from kettle; set aside. When cool enough to handle, remove skin from breasts, then remove meat from bones and shred into bite-size pieces; discard skin and bone.
7. Strain broth; discard solid material. Skim fat from broth, reserving 2 tablespoons. (Broth and meat can be covered and refrigerated up to 2 days.)
8. Return soup kettle to medium-high heat. Add reserved chicken fat. Add remaining onions, along with carrot and celery; sauté until softened, about 5 minutes.
9. Add thyme, along with broth and chicken; simmer until vegetables are tender and flavors meld, 10 to 15 minutes.
10. Add noodles and cook until just tender, about 5 minutes. Add salt and pepper to taste, stir in parsley, and serve. =)
Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup
Total Preparation Time: 45 minutes
Actual Cooking Time: 1 hour 20 minutes
Number of Servings: 4-6
Ingredients:
1 Tablespoon Vegetable oil
1 Whole chicken (about 4 pounds), breast removed and split, remaining chicken cut into 2-inch pieces
2 Medium onions , cut into medium dice (I used one huge onion since I couldnt find 2 smaller ones)
2 quarts Boiling water
Table salt
2 Bay leaves
1 Large carrot , peeled and sliced 1/4-inch thick
1 Medium rib celery , sliced 1/4-inch thick
1/4 teaspoon Dried thyme
2 cups Egg noodles (3 ounces), preferably wide (I used about 2 1/2 cups)
1/4 cup Minced fresh parsley leaves
Ground black pepper
Preparation:
1. Heat oil in large soup kettle. When oil shimmers and starts to smoke, add chicken breast halves; saute until brown on both sides, about 5 minutes. Remove and set aside.
2. Add half of chopped onions to kettle; saute until colored and softened slightly, 2-3 minutes. Transfer to medium bowl; set aside.
3. Add half of chicken pieces; sauté until no longer pink, 4 to 5 minutes. Transfer to bowl with onions.
4. Sauté remaining chicken pieces. (The only reason the chicken pieces are cooked seperately is to save room in the pot.) Return onions and chicken pieces (excluding breasts) to kettle. Reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer until chicken releases its juices, about 20 minutes.
5. Increase heat to high; add boiling water along with both breast halves, 2 teaspoons salt, and bay leaves. Return to simmer, then cover and barely simmer until chicken breasts are cooked and broth is rich and flavorful, about 20 minutes
6. Remove chicken breasts from kettle; set aside. When cool enough to handle, remove skin from breasts, then remove meat from bones and shred into bite-size pieces; discard skin and bone.
7. Strain broth; discard solid material. Skim fat from broth, reserving 2 tablespoons. (Broth and meat can be covered and refrigerated up to 2 days.)
8. Return soup kettle to medium-high heat. Add reserved chicken fat. Add remaining onions, along with carrot and celery; sauté until softened, about 5 minutes.
9. Add thyme, along with broth and chicken; simmer until vegetables are tender and flavors meld, 10 to 15 minutes.
10. Add noodles and cook until just tender, about 5 minutes. Add salt and pepper to taste, stir in parsley, and serve. =)
Top Ten: Memories in the Water
This weekend we bought a pool. It's an 18' around, 4' deep, metal frame pool; the kind you can buy at Sam's Club or possibly even Wal-Mart. It was on sale for almost half price, and we got the last one on the shelf. My husband brought in a load of sand, my sister and I used it to level the section of the backyard we planned on setting it up at, and the three of us on Sunday set it up and started it filling. It was full by the next morning. So yesterday we went swimming, and I began to remember other fond memories of times spent in the water. These are my top ten :)
1. Number One on this list will always be the time I went to the beach in South Carolina with my husband. We were in our first year of marriage, and one day he just says "lets go for a drive." He took me to the beach, and while the sun was setting we walked along the shore, holding hands, and just admiring nature. It was amazing. We saw jellyfish, horseshoe crabs, tiny little crabs burrowing into the sand, and the water was so peaceful, the way the waves met the sand.
2. Going to the Guadalupe River. It's a morning full of playing Tetris to get everything to fit in the trunk of the car, then a four hour drive, then half an hour of trying to figure out how we fit everything in the car, pulling it all back out and setting up camp. Then it's nothing but floating on the crystal clear water, watching little fish swim by (occasionally feeling little fish nip at your toes), and sitting back relaxing. This year we took my sister and both our boys, and had some quality family time. The water was perfect.
3. When I was in middle school, I was hanging out with my cousin a lot. As a matter of fact, we were two parts of a trio of best friends, the third being her next door neighbor and a fellow classmate of mine. We used to spend hours in my cousins pool, and we played all sorts of games. We would see who could sit on the bottom the longest, we would see who could do handstands the longest, and who could walk across the bottom of the pool the farthest while doing a handstand. My favorite was the imaginary games. We would imagine we were mermaids, and we would swim with our ankles crossed to simulate fins. It was a lot of fun. :)
4. A few years back, my husband and I went to Florida to visit my family and we ended up going to the beach with two of my friends and two of my little sisters (on my dad's side). We took turns burying each other, we made a mermaid in the sand, and we walked out into the waves. By the time we left the beach, everyone was passed out in the back seat and half of us were sunburned--but we all had a good time.
5. I used to visit my grandma in Maryland every few years, and spend a couple of weeks out there during the summers. Her pool was always the first thing on my to-do list. I remember she would get out the video camera, and I would be in the pool in a giant black inner tube, and I would pop out the top of it, see the camera, and duck back in to hide. And she had one of those automatic vacuums, that would kind of walk itself around the bottom of the pool. I used to pretend the hose was a giant snake, and try to swim through it without touching it. Ah, the good old days... and how far an imagination could get you!
6. When my grandma moved, her pool was upgraded. She went from having an above-ground to an in-ground pool, and her new pool had a diving board. I remember SO many fun times in that pool... Some of the times were spent with family, drinking virgin margaritas, listening to the radio, and playing volleyball with the beach ball. Some of the times were spent learning how to to a backflip off the diving board. There was one time in particular that always makes me laugh... the time our second cousin flipped my brother off his pool float. My brother was so upset about it... but it was more funny than serious.
7. The apartments my mom used to live at had a swimming pool, and I remember so many times going swimming with the family. I used to play with my sisters in the shallow end, watching them learn to swim, and I used to give them piggy back rides through the deep end. I would let my sisters ride on my back above the water, and I would swim underwater from one ladder to the other. I got tired really fast, and it always made me extra cautious, since I wanted to make sure my sisters stayed safe, but sore legs later on was a good trade for happy sisters.
8. One of my favorite memories in the water was the first time I took my son swimming. We had gotten a cheap little pool, just big enough for us adults to sit in, but it must have seemed very big to my son (who until then had only been in the bathtub). He was scared at first, but then he realized it was just water... and he had a blast! He was splashing, kicking, laughing... I was so happy to see him love the water as much as I do. ♥
9. When we got our pool all set up and ready to go, and began swimming in it, there is a feeling of pride... of owning your own swimming pool and having set it up yourself. I was also thrilled that I was handy enough with a screwdriver and an instruction booklet to get the pump on myself and it runs perfectly. Swimming in my own pool... that is a memory I am proud of :)
10. This one isn't really a single memory, and it's not one shared with other people. But it is most certainly a fond memory of time spent in water... when you have two kids that seem to always need mommy for SOMETHING, there is precious little alone time, especially peaceful alone time. But when my husband distracts them or manages to get them to sleep before their usual bedtime, I get an hour to myself. An hour to lounge in a hot bubble bath, with a large cup of iced tea, my ipod playing quietly on the counter, a small snack and a good book. Just to lay back, relax, read, and enjoy being alone. Ah, good times.
1. Number One on this list will always be the time I went to the beach in South Carolina with my husband. We were in our first year of marriage, and one day he just says "lets go for a drive." He took me to the beach, and while the sun was setting we walked along the shore, holding hands, and just admiring nature. It was amazing. We saw jellyfish, horseshoe crabs, tiny little crabs burrowing into the sand, and the water was so peaceful, the way the waves met the sand.
2. Going to the Guadalupe River. It's a morning full of playing Tetris to get everything to fit in the trunk of the car, then a four hour drive, then half an hour of trying to figure out how we fit everything in the car, pulling it all back out and setting up camp. Then it's nothing but floating on the crystal clear water, watching little fish swim by (occasionally feeling little fish nip at your toes), and sitting back relaxing. This year we took my sister and both our boys, and had some quality family time. The water was perfect.
3. When I was in middle school, I was hanging out with my cousin a lot. As a matter of fact, we were two parts of a trio of best friends, the third being her next door neighbor and a fellow classmate of mine. We used to spend hours in my cousins pool, and we played all sorts of games. We would see who could sit on the bottom the longest, we would see who could do handstands the longest, and who could walk across the bottom of the pool the farthest while doing a handstand. My favorite was the imaginary games. We would imagine we were mermaids, and we would swim with our ankles crossed to simulate fins. It was a lot of fun. :)
4. A few years back, my husband and I went to Florida to visit my family and we ended up going to the beach with two of my friends and two of my little sisters (on my dad's side). We took turns burying each other, we made a mermaid in the sand, and we walked out into the waves. By the time we left the beach, everyone was passed out in the back seat and half of us were sunburned--but we all had a good time.
5. I used to visit my grandma in Maryland every few years, and spend a couple of weeks out there during the summers. Her pool was always the first thing on my to-do list. I remember she would get out the video camera, and I would be in the pool in a giant black inner tube, and I would pop out the top of it, see the camera, and duck back in to hide. And she had one of those automatic vacuums, that would kind of walk itself around the bottom of the pool. I used to pretend the hose was a giant snake, and try to swim through it without touching it. Ah, the good old days... and how far an imagination could get you!
6. When my grandma moved, her pool was upgraded. She went from having an above-ground to an in-ground pool, and her new pool had a diving board. I remember SO many fun times in that pool... Some of the times were spent with family, drinking virgin margaritas, listening to the radio, and playing volleyball with the beach ball. Some of the times were spent learning how to to a backflip off the diving board. There was one time in particular that always makes me laugh... the time our second cousin flipped my brother off his pool float. My brother was so upset about it... but it was more funny than serious.
7. The apartments my mom used to live at had a swimming pool, and I remember so many times going swimming with the family. I used to play with my sisters in the shallow end, watching them learn to swim, and I used to give them piggy back rides through the deep end. I would let my sisters ride on my back above the water, and I would swim underwater from one ladder to the other. I got tired really fast, and it always made me extra cautious, since I wanted to make sure my sisters stayed safe, but sore legs later on was a good trade for happy sisters.
8. One of my favorite memories in the water was the first time I took my son swimming. We had gotten a cheap little pool, just big enough for us adults to sit in, but it must have seemed very big to my son (who until then had only been in the bathtub). He was scared at first, but then he realized it was just water... and he had a blast! He was splashing, kicking, laughing... I was so happy to see him love the water as much as I do. ♥
9. When we got our pool all set up and ready to go, and began swimming in it, there is a feeling of pride... of owning your own swimming pool and having set it up yourself. I was also thrilled that I was handy enough with a screwdriver and an instruction booklet to get the pump on myself and it runs perfectly. Swimming in my own pool... that is a memory I am proud of :)
10. This one isn't really a single memory, and it's not one shared with other people. But it is most certainly a fond memory of time spent in water... when you have two kids that seem to always need mommy for SOMETHING, there is precious little alone time, especially peaceful alone time. But when my husband distracts them or manages to get them to sleep before their usual bedtime, I get an hour to myself. An hour to lounge in a hot bubble bath, with a large cup of iced tea, my ipod playing quietly on the counter, a small snack and a good book. Just to lay back, relax, read, and enjoy being alone. Ah, good times.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Our Time on the River
We just got back from the Guadalupe River. Even with our unexpected change of plans, having to bring the boys along, everything worked out well and we had a lot of fun.
We got down to our campsite about an hour and a half before the sun went down, which gave us time to get everything set up and cool off in the water. A bit of forgetfulness (combined with lack of space in the car anyways) led to us having no way to actually cook our food, so we opted for dinner in town at Chili's rather than surviving the night on chips, nuts, soda, and water alone. Three hours, a plate of chicken fajitas, three plates of baby back ribs, and four full stomaches later, we were arriving back at our campsite, just in time for Levi to pass out for the night. While David kept himself entertained, I played dominoes with Mike and Kasi, first to 250 points. Mike won (getting exactly 250) then fell asleep while Kasi and I played out the rest of the game to see who would have come in second. Although I led the entire game, Kasi passed me up and landed exactly 250, just like Mike! Too tired to read the pips on the bones, we decided it was time for us to pass out as well.
Kasi and I woke up this morning just before 7 AM. We noticed some wild ducks floating by in our area, so we pulled out some bread and tossed them a few bits. They swam right up to the bank where we were sitting, and stayed with us until we were out of bread. After taking a short walk to the "nice" bathrooms (instead of the port-a-potties) we decided that the water looked inviting, and since the boys were still all asleep, we changed and waded out into the water. About an hour later, the boys began to wake up one by one, so we came back to camp and spent some time relaxing and being lazy. Kasi wanted a souvenir from the River and Mike wanted us to look for some inner tubes, so the two of us went to the little store where we ended up buying matching summer dresses and hats (and some of those can bottle tops, that turn a soda can into a bottle. Comes in VERY handy when you have honey bees stalking your cokes...) while Mike took David into the water. We came back with an inner tube for everyone (even a kid sized one for David!) and we spent the rest of the day lounging about in the water just outside our tent, taking turns holding David and checking on Levi. David is becoming SUCH a water baby! He went from being too afraid to let loose his deathgrip around our necks to being carefree, kicking the water and waving his arms.
Around 2-3 PM we got out of the water and began packing it all up for the trip home. And just in time, too, because the other river tourists who were floating down river today were just getting into our area, crowding the water, playing 3 different kinds of loud music, and shouting and laughing between groups. That atmosphere and festivity are actually a lot of fun, as we participated with other floaters last year, but this year with the kids we just wanted to have family bonding time rather than laugh with strangers. Sorry strangers, maybe next year.
On our way back home, who can resist swinging into Cabela's, the best outdoor/hunting store around! We pulled in to look around, and came out with a few new animals calls and some of their fresh made fudge. The time passed by quickly the rest of the drive home, as I read aloud from the book I'm currently reading, "Rise of the Horde" (which gives a bit of background on our favorite video game, World of Warcraft). By the time we got to the house and brought everything in, we wanted nothing more than to hop on the computers and spend the rest of the evening relaxing even more by spending time chatting with friends and family online, updating Facebook and Twitter statuses, posting to our blogs, and of course, playing on World of Warcraft. So here I am, Facebook and Twitter already updated, blogging to you now, before I sign into what I lovingly refer to as "warcrack". Although I think I'll take a break first and start up the grill (that was waiting patiently for us to return home for it) so we can cook the food that was meant for last night.
Kasi is waiting impatiently for me to post this blog now so she can read it (though I'm not sure why; she knows everything that's in it since she was there). We took lots of pictures at the River, and hopefully this upcoming week we will find the time to upload all of our pictures to Facebook. Look at us in our dresses and hats! As she would say, "we look foxy!" haha although as I would say, she looks cute and it just doesnt look right on me. Levi looks like he may have finally gotten some sun, and David has a bit of a tan. We also plan on going to Waco tomorrow, to see the much-anticipated final installment of Harry Potter, which was released to theaters midnight Thursday night. I'm sure we will look for a sitter for the boys first, but as we learned this weekend, we can manage. Not only that, but we will have a lot of fun no matter how things work out.
I still think I need a bit of a vacation from the kids for a while, even just for a couple of days (as every parent needs) but I'm very glad this weekend turned out the way it did. My little boys are growing up country, and I envy them the life they have at such an age. Next year, I think I will plan on bringing the kids. It might not have been the one-on-one time I needed with the hubby, or the freedom to spend time with my hubby and sister without worrying about the kids, but it ended up being a lot of family bonding time, with the younger ones, with my sister, and with my husband. ♥
I just have to say thank you, to life, to the universe, for ignoring what I wanted and giving me what I needed. Thank you so much. I am truly blessed to have what I do, the wonderful husband I cherish, my wacky sister I have so much in common with that I adore, and my two beautiful boys that I could not live without. Thank you. ♥
We got down to our campsite about an hour and a half before the sun went down, which gave us time to get everything set up and cool off in the water. A bit of forgetfulness (combined with lack of space in the car anyways) led to us having no way to actually cook our food, so we opted for dinner in town at Chili's rather than surviving the night on chips, nuts, soda, and water alone. Three hours, a plate of chicken fajitas, three plates of baby back ribs, and four full stomaches later, we were arriving back at our campsite, just in time for Levi to pass out for the night. While David kept himself entertained, I played dominoes with Mike and Kasi, first to 250 points. Mike won (getting exactly 250) then fell asleep while Kasi and I played out the rest of the game to see who would have come in second. Although I led the entire game, Kasi passed me up and landed exactly 250, just like Mike! Too tired to read the pips on the bones, we decided it was time for us to pass out as well.
Kasi and I woke up this morning just before 7 AM. We noticed some wild ducks floating by in our area, so we pulled out some bread and tossed them a few bits. They swam right up to the bank where we were sitting, and stayed with us until we were out of bread. After taking a short walk to the "nice" bathrooms (instead of the port-a-potties) we decided that the water looked inviting, and since the boys were still all asleep, we changed and waded out into the water. About an hour later, the boys began to wake up one by one, so we came back to camp and spent some time relaxing and being lazy. Kasi wanted a souvenir from the River and Mike wanted us to look for some inner tubes, so the two of us went to the little store where we ended up buying matching summer dresses and hats (and some of those can bottle tops, that turn a soda can into a bottle. Comes in VERY handy when you have honey bees stalking your cokes...) while Mike took David into the water. We came back with an inner tube for everyone (even a kid sized one for David!) and we spent the rest of the day lounging about in the water just outside our tent, taking turns holding David and checking on Levi. David is becoming SUCH a water baby! He went from being too afraid to let loose his deathgrip around our necks to being carefree, kicking the water and waving his arms.
Around 2-3 PM we got out of the water and began packing it all up for the trip home. And just in time, too, because the other river tourists who were floating down river today were just getting into our area, crowding the water, playing 3 different kinds of loud music, and shouting and laughing between groups. That atmosphere and festivity are actually a lot of fun, as we participated with other floaters last year, but this year with the kids we just wanted to have family bonding time rather than laugh with strangers. Sorry strangers, maybe next year.
On our way back home, who can resist swinging into Cabela's, the best outdoor/hunting store around! We pulled in to look around, and came out with a few new animals calls and some of their fresh made fudge. The time passed by quickly the rest of the drive home, as I read aloud from the book I'm currently reading, "Rise of the Horde" (which gives a bit of background on our favorite video game, World of Warcraft). By the time we got to the house and brought everything in, we wanted nothing more than to hop on the computers and spend the rest of the evening relaxing even more by spending time chatting with friends and family online, updating Facebook and Twitter statuses, posting to our blogs, and of course, playing on World of Warcraft. So here I am, Facebook and Twitter already updated, blogging to you now, before I sign into what I lovingly refer to as "warcrack". Although I think I'll take a break first and start up the grill (that was waiting patiently for us to return home for it) so we can cook the food that was meant for last night.
Kasi is waiting impatiently for me to post this blog now so she can read it (though I'm not sure why; she knows everything that's in it since she was there). We took lots of pictures at the River, and hopefully this upcoming week we will find the time to upload all of our pictures to Facebook. Look at us in our dresses and hats! As she would say, "we look foxy!" haha although as I would say, she looks cute and it just doesnt look right on me. Levi looks like he may have finally gotten some sun, and David has a bit of a tan. We also plan on going to Waco tomorrow, to see the much-anticipated final installment of Harry Potter, which was released to theaters midnight Thursday night. I'm sure we will look for a sitter for the boys first, but as we learned this weekend, we can manage. Not only that, but we will have a lot of fun no matter how things work out.
 |
| My sister Kasi on the left, me on the right |
I just have to say thank you, to life, to the universe, for ignoring what I wanted and giving me what I needed. Thank you so much. I am truly blessed to have what I do, the wonderful husband I cherish, my wacky sister I have so much in common with that I adore, and my two beautiful boys that I could not live without. Thank you. ♥
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Going to the River: Before
Okay, so we've been planning this weekend for a while now. My husband, my sister, and I were planning to go down to New Braunsfels to float down the Guadalupe River. We did it last year, and it was a lot of fun! But last year, I was a first time mother of a one year old, and I was too overprotective to leave him with someone else for the weekend. So last year we brought him with us, and we took turns floating. The first day, I floated downriver with my sister and our friend while the hubby watched our son in the tent. The second day, I traded places with the hubby and let him float with my sister and our friend while I stayed in the tent with our little boy.
This year, we not only have David (now 2 years old) but also Levi (only 2 months old). Even though I am still breastfeeding Levi, we agreed that it would be best to leave the kids with my hubby's mom for the weekend so we could enjoy some free time, with no kids. We had also invited some friends along, although sadly none of them could make it. It would be great this time, though, because last time I didnt get to spend any time with my husband all weekend.
Unfortunately, less than 24 hours before we leave, once again plans are ruined. It seems this happens to me a lot. Turns our, hubby's mom has to work this weekend. So we no longer have a baby sitter for the kids. So they are both coming with us to the River. Which means once again, we take turns floating. And once again, no time spent with the hubby. Yay.
So we're gonna try to make the best of this. I'm not sure how much our tent will fit, but we can bring the playpen/bassinett for the boys to sleep in together at night, or just to lay Levi down for naps. We can bring Levi's swing, for him to swing in to keep him occupied during the days. We can bring the portable DVD player for David to watch movies. We'll have to see what we can do in terms of keeping the boys cool. We already bought hot dogs and stuff for hamburgers, good thing we bought a little extra. Got sodas, need to pick up some bottled water.
I'm seeing this from two different sides. I'm disappointed that we can't all three float at the same time, so it doesnt seem like it'll be as much fun. And I'm sad that I don't get some time to myself, because I havent spent more than a few hours away from my kids, and since one of them is 2, I think it's about time mommy gets a mini vacation. On the other hand, I'm glad I don't have to leave my kids with someone else, because I've never been away from them for more than a few hours, and I dont know how they would react to suddenly having to be away from me for 2 entire days and nights! Besides, I didnt really have enough breastmilk stored up anyways, and even if we do have to take turns in the tent with the boys, I dont mind. It gives me some quality time with my kids, and who could complain about that? :)
So, I dont really know how things are going to work out yet. For all we know, we may not even stay at the river at all. It depends on where our spot is, and how the weather is. If we cant get a decent cooling system going on, then we're not going to let our boys suffer in the heat, we'll just head home and buy a pool. However one thing is for certain: However it works out, whatever we have to do to make it happen, we are GOING to see the final Harry Potter movie this weekend. Even if we have to wait till we get home and ask someone to babysit for a few hours, there is no way we're going to make it to Monday without having seen that movie!
Okay well, I guess I'll blog again after we get back to let you know how it went and what we did. Hope it all works out!
This year, we not only have David (now 2 years old) but also Levi (only 2 months old). Even though I am still breastfeeding Levi, we agreed that it would be best to leave the kids with my hubby's mom for the weekend so we could enjoy some free time, with no kids. We had also invited some friends along, although sadly none of them could make it. It would be great this time, though, because last time I didnt get to spend any time with my husband all weekend.
Unfortunately, less than 24 hours before we leave, once again plans are ruined. It seems this happens to me a lot. Turns our, hubby's mom has to work this weekend. So we no longer have a baby sitter for the kids. So they are both coming with us to the River. Which means once again, we take turns floating. And once again, no time spent with the hubby. Yay.
So we're gonna try to make the best of this. I'm not sure how much our tent will fit, but we can bring the playpen/bassinett for the boys to sleep in together at night, or just to lay Levi down for naps. We can bring Levi's swing, for him to swing in to keep him occupied during the days. We can bring the portable DVD player for David to watch movies. We'll have to see what we can do in terms of keeping the boys cool. We already bought hot dogs and stuff for hamburgers, good thing we bought a little extra. Got sodas, need to pick up some bottled water.
I'm seeing this from two different sides. I'm disappointed that we can't all three float at the same time, so it doesnt seem like it'll be as much fun. And I'm sad that I don't get some time to myself, because I havent spent more than a few hours away from my kids, and since one of them is 2, I think it's about time mommy gets a mini vacation. On the other hand, I'm glad I don't have to leave my kids with someone else, because I've never been away from them for more than a few hours, and I dont know how they would react to suddenly having to be away from me for 2 entire days and nights! Besides, I didnt really have enough breastmilk stored up anyways, and even if we do have to take turns in the tent with the boys, I dont mind. It gives me some quality time with my kids, and who could complain about that? :)
So, I dont really know how things are going to work out yet. For all we know, we may not even stay at the river at all. It depends on where our spot is, and how the weather is. If we cant get a decent cooling system going on, then we're not going to let our boys suffer in the heat, we'll just head home and buy a pool. However one thing is for certain: However it works out, whatever we have to do to make it happen, we are GOING to see the final Harry Potter movie this weekend. Even if we have to wait till we get home and ask someone to babysit for a few hours, there is no way we're going to make it to Monday without having seen that movie!
Okay well, I guess I'll blog again after we get back to let you know how it went and what we did. Hope it all works out!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Just a Little Note To My Parents
This one goes out to all FOUR of my parents.
Two of you have been there for me my entire life. The other two of you, it seems as if you have been there for me my entire life. And I am thankful every day for knowing you are there for me still. Because I would not be who I am today if it was not for you all. I was thinking about you guys this morning, and I just wanted to let you know.
To my mom: I have never truly known who I am spiritually, but thanks to your own personal pathway, I am starting to understand myself and my views. You have been the one that has guided me spiritually, and helped me find something to have faith in. I am especially thankful for the days when I had cramps that literally made me feel like I was dying, and you calmly helped me get a heating pad and some meds, and told me it would all be okay soon. I love whenever we have a conversation about a documentary or something we saw or read about. I am always looking forward to your newest projects and blog posts. I love you!
To my stepdad: From you I have learned discipline. To control my temper, and some of the best ways to stay in control. You probably had some of the most effective forms of punishment, too (I dont remember what we did that my brother and I had to stand in seperate corners on our knees, with our arms in the air, but I remember that by the end of it my arms were killing me and whatever it was I did, I swore I would never do it again!). I loved sitting in the living room and watching you play a video game, especially Tomb Raider. Bring your daughter to work day was fun, too. I can't wait to come visit you guys in September. I love you!
To my dad: You have taught me not to let anyone tell me who I am or what I can be, to stand up and be myself regardless of what anyone else says. I was always glad to have a dad that my boyfriends could be scared of... and yet very confused that instead of being afraid, they got along with you so well. I think it's pretty cool that you also play World of Warcraft, though I have a hard time remembering that I was the one that introduced you to it, considering the fact that you are way better at it than me so far! (haha) I love you!
To my stepmom: I learned a lot about being a housewife from you. I watched you take care of the house, and the kids, and I learned most of the things I needed to know about being a housewife. Like how to have patience, and how to wake up a boy that sleeps like a rock. Also, how to bake amazing chocolate chip cookies (which I still have never managed to make quite like yours.) I loved watching you paint ceramic figurines with acrylics, and I always tried to paint them as good as yours. You introduced me to a lot of books that I fell in love with. I love you!
I am so thankful that I have the four of you as parents. I wish I lived closer to you all, but life has taken me where I am and I am glad to be here. But I look forward to visiting you all, even if it's every other year. And now that I have two gorgeous baby boys, I will be bringing them with me, wherever I go. This year, to North Carolina; next year, to Florida. I can't wait to see you all again, and for you all to see my kids--your grandkids :)
I love you all so much! Thank you so much for being there for me. No matter what happens in life, you are my family. Nothing can change that, not even death or divorce. Okay? I love you!!! ♥
Two of you have been there for me my entire life. The other two of you, it seems as if you have been there for me my entire life. And I am thankful every day for knowing you are there for me still. Because I would not be who I am today if it was not for you all. I was thinking about you guys this morning, and I just wanted to let you know.
To my mom: I have never truly known who I am spiritually, but thanks to your own personal pathway, I am starting to understand myself and my views. You have been the one that has guided me spiritually, and helped me find something to have faith in. I am especially thankful for the days when I had cramps that literally made me feel like I was dying, and you calmly helped me get a heating pad and some meds, and told me it would all be okay soon. I love whenever we have a conversation about a documentary or something we saw or read about. I am always looking forward to your newest projects and blog posts. I love you!
To my stepdad: From you I have learned discipline. To control my temper, and some of the best ways to stay in control. You probably had some of the most effective forms of punishment, too (I dont remember what we did that my brother and I had to stand in seperate corners on our knees, with our arms in the air, but I remember that by the end of it my arms were killing me and whatever it was I did, I swore I would never do it again!). I loved sitting in the living room and watching you play a video game, especially Tomb Raider. Bring your daughter to work day was fun, too. I can't wait to come visit you guys in September. I love you!
To my dad: You have taught me not to let anyone tell me who I am or what I can be, to stand up and be myself regardless of what anyone else says. I was always glad to have a dad that my boyfriends could be scared of... and yet very confused that instead of being afraid, they got along with you so well. I think it's pretty cool that you also play World of Warcraft, though I have a hard time remembering that I was the one that introduced you to it, considering the fact that you are way better at it than me so far! (haha) I love you!
To my stepmom: I learned a lot about being a housewife from you. I watched you take care of the house, and the kids, and I learned most of the things I needed to know about being a housewife. Like how to have patience, and how to wake up a boy that sleeps like a rock. Also, how to bake amazing chocolate chip cookies (which I still have never managed to make quite like yours.) I loved watching you paint ceramic figurines with acrylics, and I always tried to paint them as good as yours. You introduced me to a lot of books that I fell in love with. I love you!
I am so thankful that I have the four of you as parents. I wish I lived closer to you all, but life has taken me where I am and I am glad to be here. But I look forward to visiting you all, even if it's every other year. And now that I have two gorgeous baby boys, I will be bringing them with me, wherever I go. This year, to North Carolina; next year, to Florida. I can't wait to see you all again, and for you all to see my kids--your grandkids :)
I love you all so much! Thank you so much for being there for me. No matter what happens in life, you are my family. Nothing can change that, not even death or divorce. Okay? I love you!!! ♥
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Disclaimer
I just posted this to Facebook, and I felt the need to repost it here. Sorry for those of you who may read this and not understand the reference, but it's a personal issue that I have removed myself from, and due to certain recent posts I felt the need to further remove myself (as I have already stated that the referenced situation has nothing to do with me, and I hold no opinions on the matter, because none of it is my business and I would like to be left out of it).
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6 minutes ago ·
· · Sunday, June 26, 2011
Letting Go
I am constantly learning new things about myself and about life itself. Last night, I discovered how to truly let go.
I leaned back, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and when I opened my eyes I just let my mind wander as I focused on how beautiful nature is. I watched the branches of the oak tree sway in the wind, and I watched the leaves dance in the breeze. I smiled at the shapes of the clouds as they drifted across the sky, and imagined what part of life they were imitating. It's fun to think that maybe the clouds wish they were solid objects, and maybe they take the shape of things they float over. Maybe a rabbit hopping through a garden, or a pirate ship braving the high seas? Haha, maybe. I looked out over our front pasture, and the lake. I watched my guineas chase grasshoppers through the weeds. I watched the sunlight sparkle across the ripples the fish made in the water.
I stopped worrying about everything. I didnt worry about our house, or what work needs to be done. I didn't worry about my parent's divorce, or what would happen to the family. I didn't even worry about the small things, like the few chores that didn't get done that day. I just... let it all go. I feel as if I finally accepted the fact that worrying about something does no good at all. It makes you freak out, and want to move faster and get things done, but all that really does is make you paranoid and nothing gets done properly, because you're trying to move too fast. I slowed down.
It's an amazing feeling, to just let go and let life take you where it wants you to go. And lately, life has been bringing me to some pretty amazing places. I'm better able to focus on my family, and I'm happier just being in the same room as they are. I have rediscovered my camera, and I have been taking pictures at every chance I get. I have been noticing more of the subtle looks my son gets on his face when he does things, and I'm beginning to understand him a bit better. I'm absorbing all the positive energy out there, and just soaking in it. I'm rejecting the negative energy, and using it's presence to convert it into more positive energy. I'm being happy just BEING. Does that make sense? I'm pretty sure theres a Taoist lesson in there somewhere.
My point is this: Sometimes you just have to let go. You can worry your life away, when you should be enjoying it. I have felt better, I have connected to my family more deeply, and I have formed more lasting friendships with my closest friends. Thank you, life, for your guidance. I love where you have taken me. I am so glad I have learned to let go.
I leaned back, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and when I opened my eyes I just let my mind wander as I focused on how beautiful nature is. I watched the branches of the oak tree sway in the wind, and I watched the leaves dance in the breeze. I smiled at the shapes of the clouds as they drifted across the sky, and imagined what part of life they were imitating. It's fun to think that maybe the clouds wish they were solid objects, and maybe they take the shape of things they float over. Maybe a rabbit hopping through a garden, or a pirate ship braving the high seas? Haha, maybe. I looked out over our front pasture, and the lake. I watched my guineas chase grasshoppers through the weeds. I watched the sunlight sparkle across the ripples the fish made in the water.
I stopped worrying about everything. I didnt worry about our house, or what work needs to be done. I didn't worry about my parent's divorce, or what would happen to the family. I didn't even worry about the small things, like the few chores that didn't get done that day. I just... let it all go. I feel as if I finally accepted the fact that worrying about something does no good at all. It makes you freak out, and want to move faster and get things done, but all that really does is make you paranoid and nothing gets done properly, because you're trying to move too fast. I slowed down.
It's an amazing feeling, to just let go and let life take you where it wants you to go. And lately, life has been bringing me to some pretty amazing places. I'm better able to focus on my family, and I'm happier just being in the same room as they are. I have rediscovered my camera, and I have been taking pictures at every chance I get. I have been noticing more of the subtle looks my son gets on his face when he does things, and I'm beginning to understand him a bit better. I'm absorbing all the positive energy out there, and just soaking in it. I'm rejecting the negative energy, and using it's presence to convert it into more positive energy. I'm being happy just BEING. Does that make sense? I'm pretty sure theres a Taoist lesson in there somewhere.
My point is this: Sometimes you just have to let go. You can worry your life away, when you should be enjoying it. I have felt better, I have connected to my family more deeply, and I have formed more lasting friendships with my closest friends. Thank you, life, for your guidance. I love where you have taken me. I am so glad I have learned to let go.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Top Ten: Things my Stepmom is Missing
It's hard for me to deal with, but my dad and stepmom are getting a divorce. My stepmom first told me that she would never push me away, that even without my dad in the picture, I was still considered to be her daughter and she looked forward to seeing her grandkids (my little boys). But over the past few months, things have changed... and I'm not sure we can ever go back again. I love my stepmom, I have a lot of really fond memories with her, but sadly, the woman she is at this exact moment in time is not the woman that raised me. This woman has blocked me from facebook, this woman no longer listens to my problems and offers advice, this woman doesnt even seem to care about me anymore. I miss my REAL stepmom, and I wish that part of her would come back. But I have a feeling that part of her has been gone for a very long time. This list is the top ten things that I feel my stepmom is missing out on. I wish I could share them with her, but it's beyond my control.
1. I want her to be a part of my life. But right now it seems like the only friends she wants around her are the other "man haters," so to speak, and that's understandable. Every woman goes through that stage after a difficult breakup. I know I did whenever I went through that, and I imagine its much worse with a divorce.
2. She has blocked me on facebook, for no reason. That is not understandable. I am her daughter, and a mother should NEVER block their children. Facebook is the only way I have to connect with my family, since I live over a thousand miles away from them.
3. I want her to see my children grow up. I want her to see my boys at least every other year, and be able to hold them and let them know who she is.
4. I try to make sure my plans to visit go through, but if other people change their plans at the last minute, that messes up my plans, so it makes it very difficult. My husband and I are doing pretty good in life, but we still have to budget and move money around when it comes to paying for me to visit my family. But I still try.
5. I want her to see pictures of my boys as often as possible. This way, she will be able to feel like she is watching them grow up, even if she only gets to see them for a week every two years.
6. I post pictures of my babies all the time to Facebook. But how can she see them? If I am off of her Facebook, then by default she is off of mine. My profile is set to private; she can't see my photos. Unless she goes onto my sister's account to see them, but that seems like it would be too much work. So she most likely is missing out on all the adorable pictures of my baby boys. And they are growing up fast.
7. I want to be able to talk to her like we used to. I want to tell her about my day, and I want to ask for her advice. I want to know what she thinks, and I want to just have conversations with her, about anything at all.
8. Unfortunately, getting ahold of her can be difficult. Ever since I joined the Navy and left home, there have been times when I tried to connect to her. But when I called her phone, she would never answer. When I texted her, she would never reply. After a while, I just gave up. I felt like she just didnt want to talk to me at all. The only feedback I got from her was through my sisters or my dad, and even that only seems to have happened whenever I was planning to come visit. And now it seems the only way she wants to have any conversations with anyone at all are through email or facebook. As I've said, it cant be through Facebook now because she took me off of it. It seems as if she doesnt want to say anything to anyone unless it's in writing for divorce court. I wish she would understand that I'm not looking for a conversation that any court would be interested in. I want to say hi, how are you? I want to ask if she's seen this new movie, or if she read this book I heard about. I want to tell her what my boys did this week, and how fast they are growing up. I want to laugh with her, and cry with her, over my experiences with motherhood, and I want to hear about her experiences as well.
9. I most especially was looking forward to this fall; I had planned to surprise my stepmom. My sister is staying with me for the summer, and originally the plan was that she would stay at least until her birthday in October. Maybe longer, but we had at least that long. My husband and I were looking into flying my sister back, and I would go with her and bring BOTH of my boys with me. I was going to stay for (hopefully) 2 full weeks.
10. At the last minute, my stepmom changed the plans. My sister now has to be back by August. My time with my sister has been drastically cut short, and all of our summer plans are practically ruined. The majority of our money this summer is being saved for a family vacation to a National Park in Kentucky, then to my mom's house in North Carolina. We had planned on bringing my sister with us, and have already looked at reservations for renting a cabin. Once we were back from our September vacation, we were going to save the money to fly to Florida. It would cost for my sister's one way ticket, a round trip ticket for my 2 year old, and a round trip ticket for myself, and I would carry my then-6-month-old on the plane. As you can imagine, this would not be cheap. Not to mention, each suitcase costs about $25 to fly. My sister has about three, and I would bring at least one, if not two. Not cheap indeed. We can get my sister home by August, however, if that is how it has to be. But there is NO way I will be able to bring both boys. If my sister is old enough, we will most likely see about flying her back alone. If she can't fly alone, then we will move around some money and cut back on a few things so that I can fly with her. I am breastfeeding my youngest, so he will have to fly with me (which is fine, he can be carried on the plane). But my husband would have to drop us off and pick me up from the airport, and his vacation time at work has already been planned out, so he can't take off any more days. And if my 2 year old can't come with me, someone would have to watch him while my husband was at work during the week. There is no one available; so I can't be gone during a week. That means that my sister and I (with my youngest) would fly into Florida very late on a Friday evening, and my entire family would have only one day to see my little baby before I would to fly back to Texas first thing Sunday morning. One day. Just ONE day with my family, and only one of my boys. I wish my sister could stay longer again, like originally planned. Then the two weeks I was going to spend in Florida with BOTH of my baby boys could still happen. :(
I miss you, Lisa. The real you. I wish you would see how much it hurts me not to have you in my life. No matter what, I love you and I always will. I hoped that you would always love me as well, but I must have done something wrong, because you don't love me anymore. Whatever I did, I am sorry. The way things are going now, you are missing out on your grandkids, and they are never going to know one of the greatest women I knew, and I dont want them to miss out as well. But at this point, there is nothing I can do. If you really love me and my boys, then PLEASE let my sister stay out here past August, so I can have the money to bring my boys to your house and so you can spend time with them. :'(
1. I want her to be a part of my life. But right now it seems like the only friends she wants around her are the other "man haters," so to speak, and that's understandable. Every woman goes through that stage after a difficult breakup. I know I did whenever I went through that, and I imagine its much worse with a divorce.
2. She has blocked me on facebook, for no reason. That is not understandable. I am her daughter, and a mother should NEVER block their children. Facebook is the only way I have to connect with my family, since I live over a thousand miles away from them.
3. I want her to see my children grow up. I want her to see my boys at least every other year, and be able to hold them and let them know who she is.
4. I try to make sure my plans to visit go through, but if other people change their plans at the last minute, that messes up my plans, so it makes it very difficult. My husband and I are doing pretty good in life, but we still have to budget and move money around when it comes to paying for me to visit my family. But I still try.
6. I post pictures of my babies all the time to Facebook. But how can she see them? If I am off of her Facebook, then by default she is off of mine. My profile is set to private; she can't see my photos. Unless she goes onto my sister's account to see them, but that seems like it would be too much work. So she most likely is missing out on all the adorable pictures of my baby boys. And they are growing up fast.
7. I want to be able to talk to her like we used to. I want to tell her about my day, and I want to ask for her advice. I want to know what she thinks, and I want to just have conversations with her, about anything at all.
8. Unfortunately, getting ahold of her can be difficult. Ever since I joined the Navy and left home, there have been times when I tried to connect to her. But when I called her phone, she would never answer. When I texted her, she would never reply. After a while, I just gave up. I felt like she just didnt want to talk to me at all. The only feedback I got from her was through my sisters or my dad, and even that only seems to have happened whenever I was planning to come visit. And now it seems the only way she wants to have any conversations with anyone at all are through email or facebook. As I've said, it cant be through Facebook now because she took me off of it. It seems as if she doesnt want to say anything to anyone unless it's in writing for divorce court. I wish she would understand that I'm not looking for a conversation that any court would be interested in. I want to say hi, how are you? I want to ask if she's seen this new movie, or if she read this book I heard about. I want to tell her what my boys did this week, and how fast they are growing up. I want to laugh with her, and cry with her, over my experiences with motherhood, and I want to hear about her experiences as well.
10. At the last minute, my stepmom changed the plans. My sister now has to be back by August. My time with my sister has been drastically cut short, and all of our summer plans are practically ruined. The majority of our money this summer is being saved for a family vacation to a National Park in Kentucky, then to my mom's house in North Carolina. We had planned on bringing my sister with us, and have already looked at reservations for renting a cabin. Once we were back from our September vacation, we were going to save the money to fly to Florida. It would cost for my sister's one way ticket, a round trip ticket for my 2 year old, and a round trip ticket for myself, and I would carry my then-6-month-old on the plane. As you can imagine, this would not be cheap. Not to mention, each suitcase costs about $25 to fly. My sister has about three, and I would bring at least one, if not two. Not cheap indeed. We can get my sister home by August, however, if that is how it has to be. But there is NO way I will be able to bring both boys. If my sister is old enough, we will most likely see about flying her back alone. If she can't fly alone, then we will move around some money and cut back on a few things so that I can fly with her. I am breastfeeding my youngest, so he will have to fly with me (which is fine, he can be carried on the plane). But my husband would have to drop us off and pick me up from the airport, and his vacation time at work has already been planned out, so he can't take off any more days. And if my 2 year old can't come with me, someone would have to watch him while my husband was at work during the week. There is no one available; so I can't be gone during a week. That means that my sister and I (with my youngest) would fly into Florida very late on a Friday evening, and my entire family would have only one day to see my little baby before I would to fly back to Texas first thing Sunday morning. One day. Just ONE day with my family, and only one of my boys. I wish my sister could stay longer again, like originally planned. Then the two weeks I was going to spend in Florida with BOTH of my baby boys could still happen. :(
I miss you, Lisa. The real you. I wish you would see how much it hurts me not to have you in my life. No matter what, I love you and I always will. I hoped that you would always love me as well, but I must have done something wrong, because you don't love me anymore. Whatever I did, I am sorry. The way things are going now, you are missing out on your grandkids, and they are never going to know one of the greatest women I knew, and I dont want them to miss out as well. But at this point, there is nothing I can do. If you really love me and my boys, then PLEASE let my sister stay out here past August, so I can have the money to bring my boys to your house and so you can spend time with them. :'(
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Top Ten: Childhood Memories
This week, I have decided to do a Top Ten based on a suggestion I recieved, and what a good time to do it, too. My brother graduated from high school this week, and it has gotten me thinking about what it was like being a child. I probably have a top twenty childhood memories, but lets start with these for today. :)
1. Books. I have always loved reading. When I was in Elementary school, I'm pretty sure I read half the library! That may be an exaggeration, but the truth is that I always had a book I was reading, and week to week, it was almost always a new book. In 5th grade alone, I managed to read almost the entire Nancy Drew series (at that time, there were something like 134 books). Each book was an adventure, and one of my favorite memories as a child was taking all these different adventures and meeting so many new people.
2. The Sewers. When I was 6 years old, we lived in an apartment complex that ran right next to a ditch. The sewer pipes from under the apartments ran out into this ditch. My friends and I used to climb down to the pipes and play in the sewers. It sounds gross, but boy was it fun!!! I remember we would take turns, one of us would stand in the parking lot and look down the sewer grate and the rest of us would run through the pipes till we got to that grate and we would wave up at our friend. We had quite the imagination. After a while, we began imagining that the sewers were filled with rats and alligators. And if you saw one, you had to lay flat, because he wouldn't be able to attack you, only walk over you (glad we never ran into a gator to test that theory, because we would have been quite wrong). We became paranoid at a certain point though, just before we stopped playing there. Have you ever noticed that some pipes end with bars, so you cannot go into them? We began to believe that the government was watching us from invisible helicopters, and once we ran into the pipes, they would repel down ropes in black ninja outfits and bolt bars over the ends so we would be trapped in the sewers forever, with the rats and alligators! We always had a friend stand at the end of the pipe to scream at us at the first sight of a ninja. Oh, the things kids think up sometimes!
3. Mom and the Maintenance Man. When we lived in those same apartments, after my parents' divorce, my mom had the BIGGEST crush on our apartment maintenance guy. She used to sit on our back porch and watch him drive by in his golf cart. Occasionally he would come over and they would talk for a while. I remember one time, I was sitting on the porch with her, and he was driving by. She leaned in close to me, and she said "Oh, Crystal! Isn't he handsome?!?" And as the faithful best friend I answered, "Yes mommy!" Well, that maintenance man is now my step dad. This little mother-daughter moment is special to me, because it was one of those "dreams come true" moments.
4. Music. I LOVED to sing. Still do, as a matter of fact. I sang anything on the radio, but mostly songs my mom played often. I usually got most of the words right (even if I was off on the notes) but some of the words I missed still make me laugh today. I'm not sure why I thought Ace of Base would sing "I am puppy dog living without you" or why Counting Crows would sing about a "flamingo dancer." I remember I even had a dance routine that went with "The Sign" (that Ace of Base song I mentioned) and it even ended with a cartwheel. (By the way, the correct lines are "I am happy now living without you" and "flamenco dancer").
5. Babysitting the Cousins. My aunt used to ask me to babysit her kids some weekends. I would come over in the evening, and stay all night. They would usually get home sometime in the early hours of the morning, so I was really only watching them till bedtime, then we would wake up in the morning and the parents would be home. And we had so much fun! It didn't even seem like a babysitting job, because my cousins listened to me (I was only about 5-6 years older than one, and like 8 years older than the other). We watched movies, had popcorn, played video games, played board games... it was like an unsupervised sleepover. I always looked forward to babysitting, because I knew we would have lots of fun!
6. Self Esteem in 5th Grade. I'm not sure when I started getting low self esteem, probably right around the time that I began to like boys. Mostly because it's at that time that a girl starts to notice that other girls are way prettier, and that can get you down. In 5th grade, however, I had a few notable achievements that have taught me I can be better than I think. One such achievement was winning an essay contest. The entire 5th grade had to write an essay on why we would never do drugs (part of the Drug Abuse Resistance Education program, a.k.a. DARE). Two winning essays were chosen to be read aloud to the entire grade, and mine was one of them. To top it off, after they were read, many people congratulated me and commented on how I was a terrific public speaker. Another achievement was during a game of capture the flag. I have never been a "sports" person, but during this game, I was trying to stop the fastest kid in class from getting near my teams flag. He was running at full speed, and gaining ground. I knew I had to stop him soon; once he had that flag, the game would be over in a matter of minutes. So I gave it all I had, and I CAUGHT HIM! I outran the fastest kid in class! I was very proud of myself for that one. :)
7. Easy Bake Oven. What little girl didn't have an Easy Bake Oven? I used to love baking cakes, cookies, brownies... just about anything you can put in a tiny little pan. I loved using the tiny spatula and the tiny spoon, and my favorite part was frosting the little cakes, then cutting tiny slices off and setting them on plates to serve to the family. These fond baking memories have led me to love baking as much as I do today. And you know what? My favorite part is still the decorating.
8. Summer with MomMom. Every few years, I got to travel. I got to fly to Maryland and stay 2 weeks with my mom's mom, whom all us grandkids refer to as "MomMom". We always had so much fun! She had a pool in her back yard, which I spent every waking moment swimming in. In the evenings, we would eat Maryland Steamed Crabs with Old Bay seasoning, and steamed shrimp with melted butter... she even had a pool table in the basement! I went on their computer and beat my grandfather's score at golf, I discovered the game "Chip's Challenge" (and to this day haven't beat it), and occasionally she would take me for a drive to see the sights. We went to Ocean City, we drove across Chesapeake Bay, we saw wild pony poop (not sure if we ever actually saw the wild ponies, lol) and I got to see a lot of historical sites. It's too bad I wasnt interested in much history back then, because I would love to see those sites again. Summers at MomMom's house were always much to look forward to. Except for one tiny little thing: she always had to get out the camera when we were eating. [enter loving laughter over fond memory here]
9. Gifted with Mrs. Yocum. I was tested for and approved for gifted classes at a very young age. However, I never went to the school that actually hosted the gifted class, so once a week I would hop on a bus and travel to a different school to attend that class. It was a small class, but it was my favorite part of the week. I always looked forward to gifted, because we did such fun things. I remember for a large part of one year, we imagined that we were aliens. We each had to create an alien world that we came from, a background story for our heritage, and an alien name. Though I don't remember my "alien" name, I remember I was from Saturn. We were constantly being tested academically and our mental limits stretched to the extreme, being asked questions no one would normally ask and being required to come up with different answers each time. I loved and thoroughly enjoyed the creativity. One of my favorite questions: How do you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Really think about it! :)
10. Tales of the Crystals. My mom bought me a game when I was a kid, called Tales of the Crystals. It was a game based entirely upon imagination. It turned your entire house or yard into another world entirely. I remember playing the game, and I remember the basic layout of our apartment and where I had labeled each different section of this imaginary world, but when I look back at my times playing the game, I actually remember seeing things that could not have been there, and being places that did not exist. I remember there was an evil witch who lived in a castle built on a cliff, and there was a secret entrance into her evil lair (but it was hard to get to). I remember a huge field of gold, wheat almost waist high. I remember a beautiful green forest, with tree sprites and wild animals. There was even a waterfall. I remember a time when the evil witch had poisoned the water at the waterfall, and the deer and other animals were drinking the corrupt water at the lake that formed at the bottom of the falls, and it was turning them to stone. I had to gather the ingredients for the antidote, and heal the poisoned creatures. This game was probably my favorite memory of all, simply because my imagination was so strong that I actual remember seeing the imagined world, as if I was really there. It's one of the highlights of being a child; being able to use your imagination and do things that as you grow up you realize that you could never do. Before hard reality sets in, and the sky isn't even the limit. ♥
1. Books. I have always loved reading. When I was in Elementary school, I'm pretty sure I read half the library! That may be an exaggeration, but the truth is that I always had a book I was reading, and week to week, it was almost always a new book. In 5th grade alone, I managed to read almost the entire Nancy Drew series (at that time, there were something like 134 books). Each book was an adventure, and one of my favorite memories as a child was taking all these different adventures and meeting so many new people.
2. The Sewers. When I was 6 years old, we lived in an apartment complex that ran right next to a ditch. The sewer pipes from under the apartments ran out into this ditch. My friends and I used to climb down to the pipes and play in the sewers. It sounds gross, but boy was it fun!!! I remember we would take turns, one of us would stand in the parking lot and look down the sewer grate and the rest of us would run through the pipes till we got to that grate and we would wave up at our friend. We had quite the imagination. After a while, we began imagining that the sewers were filled with rats and alligators. And if you saw one, you had to lay flat, because he wouldn't be able to attack you, only walk over you (glad we never ran into a gator to test that theory, because we would have been quite wrong). We became paranoid at a certain point though, just before we stopped playing there. Have you ever noticed that some pipes end with bars, so you cannot go into them? We began to believe that the government was watching us from invisible helicopters, and once we ran into the pipes, they would repel down ropes in black ninja outfits and bolt bars over the ends so we would be trapped in the sewers forever, with the rats and alligators! We always had a friend stand at the end of the pipe to scream at us at the first sight of a ninja. Oh, the things kids think up sometimes!
4. Music. I LOVED to sing. Still do, as a matter of fact. I sang anything on the radio, but mostly songs my mom played often. I usually got most of the words right (even if I was off on the notes) but some of the words I missed still make me laugh today. I'm not sure why I thought Ace of Base would sing "I am puppy dog living without you" or why Counting Crows would sing about a "flamingo dancer." I remember I even had a dance routine that went with "The Sign" (that Ace of Base song I mentioned) and it even ended with a cartwheel. (By the way, the correct lines are "I am happy now living without you" and "flamenco dancer").
5. Babysitting the Cousins. My aunt used to ask me to babysit her kids some weekends. I would come over in the evening, and stay all night. They would usually get home sometime in the early hours of the morning, so I was really only watching them till bedtime, then we would wake up in the morning and the parents would be home. And we had so much fun! It didn't even seem like a babysitting job, because my cousins listened to me (I was only about 5-6 years older than one, and like 8 years older than the other). We watched movies, had popcorn, played video games, played board games... it was like an unsupervised sleepover. I always looked forward to babysitting, because I knew we would have lots of fun!
6. Self Esteem in 5th Grade. I'm not sure when I started getting low self esteem, probably right around the time that I began to like boys. Mostly because it's at that time that a girl starts to notice that other girls are way prettier, and that can get you down. In 5th grade, however, I had a few notable achievements that have taught me I can be better than I think. One such achievement was winning an essay contest. The entire 5th grade had to write an essay on why we would never do drugs (part of the Drug Abuse Resistance Education program, a.k.a. DARE). Two winning essays were chosen to be read aloud to the entire grade, and mine was one of them. To top it off, after they were read, many people congratulated me and commented on how I was a terrific public speaker. Another achievement was during a game of capture the flag. I have never been a "sports" person, but during this game, I was trying to stop the fastest kid in class from getting near my teams flag. He was running at full speed, and gaining ground. I knew I had to stop him soon; once he had that flag, the game would be over in a matter of minutes. So I gave it all I had, and I CAUGHT HIM! I outran the fastest kid in class! I was very proud of myself for that one. :)
7. Easy Bake Oven. What little girl didn't have an Easy Bake Oven? I used to love baking cakes, cookies, brownies... just about anything you can put in a tiny little pan. I loved using the tiny spatula and the tiny spoon, and my favorite part was frosting the little cakes, then cutting tiny slices off and setting them on plates to serve to the family. These fond baking memories have led me to love baking as much as I do today. And you know what? My favorite part is still the decorating.
8. Summer with MomMom. Every few years, I got to travel. I got to fly to Maryland and stay 2 weeks with my mom's mom, whom all us grandkids refer to as "MomMom". We always had so much fun! She had a pool in her back yard, which I spent every waking moment swimming in. In the evenings, we would eat Maryland Steamed Crabs with Old Bay seasoning, and steamed shrimp with melted butter... she even had a pool table in the basement! I went on their computer and beat my grandfather's score at golf, I discovered the game "Chip's Challenge" (and to this day haven't beat it), and occasionally she would take me for a drive to see the sights. We went to Ocean City, we drove across Chesapeake Bay, we saw wild pony poop (not sure if we ever actually saw the wild ponies, lol) and I got to see a lot of historical sites. It's too bad I wasnt interested in much history back then, because I would love to see those sites again. Summers at MomMom's house were always much to look forward to. Except for one tiny little thing: she always had to get out the camera when we were eating. [enter loving laughter over fond memory here]
9. Gifted with Mrs. Yocum. I was tested for and approved for gifted classes at a very young age. However, I never went to the school that actually hosted the gifted class, so once a week I would hop on a bus and travel to a different school to attend that class. It was a small class, but it was my favorite part of the week. I always looked forward to gifted, because we did such fun things. I remember for a large part of one year, we imagined that we were aliens. We each had to create an alien world that we came from, a background story for our heritage, and an alien name. Though I don't remember my "alien" name, I remember I was from Saturn. We were constantly being tested academically and our mental limits stretched to the extreme, being asked questions no one would normally ask and being required to come up with different answers each time. I loved and thoroughly enjoyed the creativity. One of my favorite questions: How do you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Really think about it! :)
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Trust and Faithfulness
With everything that's been going on this past week and a half, I never stopped to realize that I'm being watched. And why should I have? I have done nothing wrong; in fact, for once in my life I am doing everything right. In this aspect of my life especially.
Since my husband has been gone, I have cleaned the house. I have rearranged. I have been caring for all of the animals. I have been watering the garden. I have been hatching eggs and caring for the chicks. I have even been cleaning the truck that my husband drives, and cleaning up the yard. On top of that, I have my boys to care for. All this work has been a lot for me, especially when the truck broke down the other day (and I am most definitely NOT an auto mechanic). So Mike has asked his friends to come over at times to help me out. And that help has been more and more appreciated as the temperature outside rises and the heat becomes unbearable. But apparently, their help is not appreciated by everyone. So I am writing this post to attempt to explain things to the people who have decided to "watch".
First of all, I don't care what you think, and I don't care how it "looks". You should know better than to jump to conclusions and judge people. Just because a teen is pregnant, doesnt mean she's a slut; she could have been raped. Just because a man is extremely overweight doesnt mean he's a fat lazy pig; he could have a medical disorder. And just because the friends that come over to my house are guys doesnt mean I'm doing anything inappropriate. I'm actually disappointed in you for not having faith in me, and for thinking that I would allow something to happen. Go ahead, call my hubby. And he will tell you the exact same thing.
Yes, the only three friends I have out here are guys. Two of them were my husband's friends first, but over the years they have become my friends as well. What difference does it make whether my friends are guys or girls, whether they come over and hang out outside or inside, whether we hang out at the house or in town, whether they are here during the day or the evening? Yes, my husband is out of town. But did you know that my husband and I text each other all day long? That we talk on the phone every chance we get? That in the evenings we play an online game together so that we can spend time together even though we are miles apart? I bet you thought we did, but you weren't sure. Did you bother to ask? Of course not.
My husband and I trust each other. It helps that we keep each other informed of what we are doing and who we are with. I tell my husband every time someone wants to come over, I tell him when they get here, when they leave, and everything that happened while they were here. Here is an example of a typical day when a friend comes over (I have substituted the friend's name for [my friend] in this example):
"Hey honey, [my friend] would like to come over. He doesnt work tomorrow and he doesnt have anything better to do, so he thought he would come hang out here and keep me company, and he will help me with the chores." At this point my husband can tell me yes or no. If he doesnt want someone over here at that time, then no one will come over. Then "Hey sweetie, [my friend] just got here. Just letting you know." Simple, right? Later on: "Hey thought I'd let you know [my friend] is leaving. We got over half of the yard cleaned and mowed, and he knows what's wrong with the truck."
It's like that every time someone wants to come over. EVERY TIME. My husband is kept well informed, and what he says goes. So if wants them gone, he just tells me and they are gone. No one comes over to this house without his knowledge. Maybe in your house and in your marriage, you would do things differently. Maybe you dont have the trust in your life that I have with my husband. Maybe you have been in this situation, and maybe you made the wrong decisions and are afraid that I will do the same. Maybe you trust me, but you dont trust my friends. Maybe you think that if someone tried to take advantage of me, that I wouldnt be able to stand up for myself and handle the situation (remember I have a fully stocked gun safe in the bedroom). Maybe you feel that having anyone at all over to the house while my husband is gone is disrespectful. Unfortunately, it doesnt matter what you think.
That being said, my husband and I are grown adults; what we do in our relationship is our own business, not yours. If he allows me to have friends visit in his absence, that is his choice. You can offer your advice as freely and as frequently as you like, but ultimately it is up to my husband and I whether or not we choose to follow it. Why it should bother you so much is beyond me. I don't complain to you when you do something I dont approve of. Do you know why? Because I have already accepted the fact that you are a grown adult yourself. It is none of my business what you do or have done, because that is your own personal life. It does not affect me. Just like me and my husband's life is personal and does not affect you. So I would appreciate it if you would mind your own business and let us live our adult lives the way we want to. We trust each other, and we are being completely faithful to each other both physically and emotionally. You should support that and trust us as well.
I have said this in the nicest possible way that I could. I have explained myself where I do not feel I should have needed to explain, and it hurts me that you dont have that trust in me or my husband to make the right decisions. Just know that in the end, what we do IS in fact OUR decision. And quite frankly, I'd say we're doing a damn good job. You can say what you want and try to hurt us, but we are stronger than you or your words. I love my hubby, and he loves me. We have come a long way, and we are faithful and communicative. We trust each other, and we trust the few friends that we have. Nothing else matters. Especially not your indignation or jealousy.
Since my husband has been gone, I have cleaned the house. I have rearranged. I have been caring for all of the animals. I have been watering the garden. I have been hatching eggs and caring for the chicks. I have even been cleaning the truck that my husband drives, and cleaning up the yard. On top of that, I have my boys to care for. All this work has been a lot for me, especially when the truck broke down the other day (and I am most definitely NOT an auto mechanic). So Mike has asked his friends to come over at times to help me out. And that help has been more and more appreciated as the temperature outside rises and the heat becomes unbearable. But apparently, their help is not appreciated by everyone. So I am writing this post to attempt to explain things to the people who have decided to "watch".
First of all, I don't care what you think, and I don't care how it "looks". You should know better than to jump to conclusions and judge people. Just because a teen is pregnant, doesnt mean she's a slut; she could have been raped. Just because a man is extremely overweight doesnt mean he's a fat lazy pig; he could have a medical disorder. And just because the friends that come over to my house are guys doesnt mean I'm doing anything inappropriate. I'm actually disappointed in you for not having faith in me, and for thinking that I would allow something to happen. Go ahead, call my hubby. And he will tell you the exact same thing.
Yes, the only three friends I have out here are guys. Two of them were my husband's friends first, but over the years they have become my friends as well. What difference does it make whether my friends are guys or girls, whether they come over and hang out outside or inside, whether we hang out at the house or in town, whether they are here during the day or the evening? Yes, my husband is out of town. But did you know that my husband and I text each other all day long? That we talk on the phone every chance we get? That in the evenings we play an online game together so that we can spend time together even though we are miles apart? I bet you thought we did, but you weren't sure. Did you bother to ask? Of course not.
My husband and I trust each other. It helps that we keep each other informed of what we are doing and who we are with. I tell my husband every time someone wants to come over, I tell him when they get here, when they leave, and everything that happened while they were here. Here is an example of a typical day when a friend comes over (I have substituted the friend's name for [my friend] in this example):
"Hey honey, [my friend] would like to come over. He doesnt work tomorrow and he doesnt have anything better to do, so he thought he would come hang out here and keep me company, and he will help me with the chores." At this point my husband can tell me yes or no. If he doesnt want someone over here at that time, then no one will come over. Then "Hey sweetie, [my friend] just got here. Just letting you know." Simple, right? Later on: "Hey thought I'd let you know [my friend] is leaving. We got over half of the yard cleaned and mowed, and he knows what's wrong with the truck."
It's like that every time someone wants to come over. EVERY TIME. My husband is kept well informed, and what he says goes. So if wants them gone, he just tells me and they are gone. No one comes over to this house without his knowledge. Maybe in your house and in your marriage, you would do things differently. Maybe you dont have the trust in your life that I have with my husband. Maybe you have been in this situation, and maybe you made the wrong decisions and are afraid that I will do the same. Maybe you trust me, but you dont trust my friends. Maybe you think that if someone tried to take advantage of me, that I wouldnt be able to stand up for myself and handle the situation (remember I have a fully stocked gun safe in the bedroom). Maybe you feel that having anyone at all over to the house while my husband is gone is disrespectful. Unfortunately, it doesnt matter what you think.
That being said, my husband and I are grown adults; what we do in our relationship is our own business, not yours. If he allows me to have friends visit in his absence, that is his choice. You can offer your advice as freely and as frequently as you like, but ultimately it is up to my husband and I whether or not we choose to follow it. Why it should bother you so much is beyond me. I don't complain to you when you do something I dont approve of. Do you know why? Because I have already accepted the fact that you are a grown adult yourself. It is none of my business what you do or have done, because that is your own personal life. It does not affect me. Just like me and my husband's life is personal and does not affect you. So I would appreciate it if you would mind your own business and let us live our adult lives the way we want to. We trust each other, and we are being completely faithful to each other both physically and emotionally. You should support that and trust us as well.
I have said this in the nicest possible way that I could. I have explained myself where I do not feel I should have needed to explain, and it hurts me that you dont have that trust in me or my husband to make the right decisions. Just know that in the end, what we do IS in fact OUR decision. And quite frankly, I'd say we're doing a damn good job. You can say what you want and try to hurt us, but we are stronger than you or your words. I love my hubby, and he loves me. We have come a long way, and we are faithful and communicative. We trust each other, and we trust the few friends that we have. Nothing else matters. Especially not your indignation or jealousy.
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