"Hush, Little Baby" Examined

I'm sure we've all heard the popular lullaby "Hush, Little Baby". It's a catchy little song with a simple verse that is very easy to mimic using your own words. It got stuck in my head the other day and I couldn't help but begin to analyze it. So many things seem wrong with that lullaby, that I just have to ask if anyone else thinks the way I do.

There are several variations to choose from, I chose to start with what Wikipedia refers to as the most common lyrics, though I also list a few others they have.

Hush, little baby, don't say a word, Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing, Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass, Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass.
And if that looking glass gets broke, Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat,
And if that billy goat doesn't pull, Mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull.
And if that cart and bull turn over, Mama's gonna buy you a dog named Rover.
And if that dog named Rover won't bark, Mama's gonna buy you a horse and cart.
And if that horse and cart fall down, Well you'll still be the sweetest baby in town.

Another variation, after diamond ring, says:

And if that diamond ring don't shine, Mama's gonna buy you a bottle of wine.
And if that bottle of wine gets broke, Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat.
And if that billy goat runs away, Mama's gonna buy you a Chevrolet.
And if that Chevrolet breaks down, Mama's gonna buy you the prettiest gown.
And if that pretty gown gets torn, You'll still be the prettiest in the world.

Of course, that one seems to only apply to girls. One last variation they list includes the line:

And if that diamond ring don't shine, Mama's gonna buy you a silver mine.
And if that silver mine goes broke, Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat.

Okay. Time to fix this. First of all, I have to note that I do like the way it's so simple, that you can add in just about anything of your own, and it has the potential to go on forever. Lullabies with words that are too short can be sung all the way through before the children are even asleep, and you have to come up with another song to sing them. That's why I prefer the ones without words, you can just keep looping it around over and over.

Now, let's get down to it. For starters, if you are trying to get your child to calm down and be quiet, don't try to bribe them. That's a good way to spoil your kids. However, if you insist on bribing them, don't then tell them ways that the bribery might fail (birds not singing, mirrors breaking, etc.). You might say something like, "Oh, you don't want that? How about this instead?" And if these items do happen to break or do not work as they should, why does that mean you should get them more expensive gifts? Can't you just trade in the defective one for one that works?

Now, for the lyrics themselves. I went with the different verses of all three variations listed at Wikipedia. I'm sure there are plenty more out there, but this was more than enough for me to pick apart. =P

If you are going to buy your child a Mocking bird, be prepared to care for it yourself. Babies just are not ready for pets. And why a Mocking bird?! Have you ever been around Mocking birds? They can be vicious! I watched a pair of them attack my friend's dog once. And if it doesn't sing, I would assume that means it's not happy in it's current environment and maybe you should let it go back to the wild where it belongs!

A diamond ring? Really? For a baby?! That is a clear choking hazard. And insanely dangerous to swallow anyways, it could cut up your child's throat! It's ridiculously expensive for a child that doesn't even know what a diamond is, that would be happy with a shiny plastic ball of appropriate size so as not to be swallowed... Which by the way, if that expensive infant death instrument doesn't shine, just get it cleaned. If it turns brass, well then it's just not a diamond and you were gypped. Which you would deserve if you bought a diamond ring for your baby.

A looking glass. Okay, that's not too bad. Mirrors are shiny, a lot of kids love looking at their reflection, and you can get fake plastic ones. But if the one you got broke then obviously you were an idiot and got them a real one. Glass. For a child. I'm starting to question your parenting skills-- or lack thereof.

After living in the country, I can understand buying certain farm animals "for" your kids. Or rather, you were buying them anyways and you told your child that it was for them to make them feel special. So you bought your child a billy goat. That's cute. Just don't let them play with it till they're much older (for you, let's say around 8 years old), because billies can be rough if they aren't worked with a lot, and some are just tempermental. If it doesn't pull, then don't use it for that. If it runs away, you should have made sure your fence was built better and kept an eye on it.

Okay, doubling up on this one. Cart and bull?! Horse and cart?! What-- I mean, seriously-- *sigh*. Whatever. Good luck finding them, and if you do, I sincerely hope your child wasn't in the cart when it turned over or fell down.

I actually have no complaints about you buying your child a dog. Name it what you want, maybe I wouldn't have gone with "Rover", but it's cute, and dogs can be great companions to children. I myself bought my kids a puppy for Christmas last year. But if the dog doesn't bark, why would you get rid of it?! You ARE trying to get your child to "hush", right? If you want your child to go to sleep, or at the very least be quiet, then why would a dog that DOESN'T bark be a bad thing? Take your time thinking about that one. I'm sure you'll get it eventually.

You're going to buy your child a bottle of wine? I've heard of parents in the old days putting a little bit of whiskey or some other strong liquor in their child's bottle (not straight alcohol of course) to help put the child to sleep. And I've heard people tell me it works. I'm not going to try it, but I'm sure different parenting styles apply in this instance, and it might be something to ask the pediatrician about (though I can't imagine a doctor telling you to give your infant alcohol at all). But that doesn't mean it's okay to buy them a bottle of wine! Next thing you know you're picking up a case of beer for yourself and one for your 6 month old, then your child is getting their liver replaced before they are even a teenager! Great job. If the bottle of wine gets broke, that's probably a good thing. Hopefully it broke before you gave it to your baby. Clean it up, and go get them some milk or a juicebox.

Getting your child a vehicle is something most parents can only dream they would be able to do, and a lot of the ones who can afford it have to scrape and save for quite a while to be able to get even just a cheap used vehicle on Craigslist that probably needs some work. Getting it for your child when they are still 16 years away from driving? Maybe not the best idea. You should have saved that money, maybe put it in a savings account to build up interest, and 16 years from now you can surprise them with a much better (and much more current) vehicle! Or a cheap (working) vehicle, and some left over money for college! Oh, and I'm not too surprised that the Chevy broke down. Should have gotten a Toyota. ;)

Once again I have no complaints about buying your child some clothes, maybe don't buy "the prettiest gown" for your baby boy, but clothes are sweet all the same. Never really seen a baby excited about clothes though... unless it's the middle of winter and you are carrying your baby around in just a diaper. Then I'm sure clothes really would calm them down, because they would be warmer. Which again would lead me to question your ability to be a parent... but all the same, new clothes are cute even if it doesn't exactly calm your kid down.

A silver mine... Okay not too many people in the world can say they own a silver mine. And the ones who can, I would assume will also say it's worthless and that there is no silver down there. These days major corporations own those kinds of things, except for maybe a few very small ones that won't amount to much. If you can spend enough money to buy a silver mine, I would hope you looked into it before hand and that it isn't a bad investment. Judging by the other things you've chosen to buy your kid, you didn't think it through at all. Which means there's no real surprise that it went broke. The real surprise is that you still had enough money to buy a billy goat after that. I'm no longer surprised that you would buy something like this for your child, but I would rather you buy them a silver mine than a diamond ring, because as long as you don't let your kid wander into the mine, then the mine can't kill them. Not that I'm promising you anything there, because you aren't the best role model thus far.

Well, I'm done. I think I'll just stick to a nice wordless lullaby that I can hum to my kids, without promising them all these insane things just to hush down. The only thing I will promise them is that everything is okay, and that I love them.


These lyrics were obtained from Wikipedia, "Hush, Little Baby" @ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hush,_Little_Baby