Top Ten: Random Memories

Throughout the course of everyday life this week, small random things have been stirring up old memories, and it got to the point that there have been so many, I was able to form a Top Ten out of them! I don't remember exactly what it was that sparked a few of them, but I was able to make the chain-connections to most. So, here is my Top Ten: random memories I have had this week.

( 1 )  I was talking to my friend about our favorite bands, and I had suggested Story of the Year as a band he should listen to. That got me singing some of my favorite songs by them, which reminded me of a time back in high school when I was visiting my cousin. The two of us were sitting in her spare bedroom, playing Flicky on the Sega Genesis. A boy at school had developed feelings for me, and he had gotten upset that I didn't see him the same way. While my cousin and I were playing our game, laughing and having fun, the boy called me. I let it go to voicemail, then checked the message he left me. He had said that he had the perfect song to describe how he felt about me, and proceeded to play the song on the recorded message. It was "Till the Day I Die" by Story of the Year.

( 2 ) The previous memory actually reminded me of this one. In a very "high school drama" fashion, as networking between teenagers typically goes, I became close friends with my ex-boyfriend's sister, who asked me to talk to her ex-boyfriend for her, who in turn then wanted to introduce me to his cousin. I was shown a picture of him, and he seemed kind of cute. I agreed to talk to him, and we got to chatting online. He seemed to be a nice guy, until after two hours of talking he told me that he loved me and was so glad to have met me. Instantly knowing he was definitely not the kind of guy I wanted to go out with, I politely turned him down and asked to just be friends. He then proceeded to call me at least four times a day every day, and each time it went to voicemail he left a recorded message saying he loved me, he missed me, and he continuously played Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together". I still hate that song.

...am I the only one who sees a pattern there? Anyways, moving on.

( 3 ) I was playing my favorite online game, World of Warcraft, and I was running through a low level raid (a challenging series of boss fights with special attacks and spells that a large group of players must use tactics and coordination to defeat). One of the final bosses is a life-sized chess game, in which players must use their wits to defeat the other king. Well, in this chess game, the enemy "cheats". It got me thinking of the first real chess game I ever played. It was against my stepdad, who had just taught me how to play. I got up to get a glass of iced tea, and when I sat down, we finished the game -- I won. It wasn't until after winning, however, that I discovered my stepdad had cheated by removing my queen from the board entirely.

( 4 ) Driving down the gravel road with my friend, we pass a Christmas tree. A year ago, someone threw it on the side of the road after the Christmas season. No one ever picked it up, so last year my sister-in-law stood it up straight, decorated it, and put a few fake presents under it. It is still there now, and as we drove past it, I was suddenly back in Band class, in middle school. Our class took a field trip to the airport where we stood in front of the big Christmas tree that goes up each year, and we played Christmas music. We were encouraged to be as festive as possible, and we each wore a hat. Some of us decorated our instruments with garland or ornaments... I chose to go all out, and wrapped a short strand of Christmas lights around my clarinet, connected to a small battery pack that sat beside me. Everyone loved it, and it was nice to get into the spirit of things for once.

( 5 ) I really don't remember what made me think of this, but when I was in high school I was very self-conscious and often kept my eyes on the ground when I walked. Occasionally in large groups people would brush by me, and I would mutter an apology. Well, one day I was off in my own little world and walked into a wall. I backed up and apologized, only to then realize it was in fact a wall, and not a person. *embarrassed*

( 6 ) While cleaning the house one day, with my iPod on shuffle, a song by the Red Hot Chili Peppers comes on. Suddenly I got much calmer, and felt as if I had slipped into a normal routine. It reminded me of when I had been in the Navy. Some of my roommates were on the same crew as I was, so we often carpooled. Our driver, fondly referred to as "Junkie", played RHCP every single morning on the way to work. It became a normal part of our day, regardless of how sick of it we got. We asked him to change it up once, and he began playing Metallica every morning. After a week, we gladly accepted RHCP back into our hearts.

( 7 ) Looking at where life is now, reminded me of meeting my husband. Not just the typical "this is how we met" flashback, but of that lovey dovey time together before we got married, when we planned out our dreams and wishes. Sitting together in his car, listening to country music on an mp3 cd that he burned for me, leaning in real close with a notebook and watching him draw an outline of a floor plan for our dream house. Planning where we wanted to travel to, where we would live, and how life would be. Drawing each other's names out in different styles and pictures, and  putting our names together in a heart, or my first name with his last. It might not have been realistic, but it was very romantic and sweet.

( 8 ) The summer heat has arrived in spring this year, so over the weekend we set up the swimming pool. Staring at that clear, sparkling water, memories of last summer were reflected back at me. My sister came to visit last year, which is the entire reason we bought the pool when we did. We did tricks and flips in the water, we chased each other around, we got thrown in and just laid back and relaxed... we even taught my son not to be afraid of the water, and to enjoy his floatie. I can't wait to make new memories this year.

( 9 ) I was talking to my online friends the other day through a voicechat server hosted by a service called Mumble. I ended up talking about how when I signed up for the Nuclear program in the Navy, the way it was described to me so I knew I would "fit in" was a series of questions based on things "nerds" would commonly be known for doing... such as 18 hour long movie marathons. It reminded me of just after joining the Navy, a few times in which my friends and I, in all our nerdglory, stayed up full weekends long to watch Lord of the Rings, X-Men, Harry Potter, and Dune. Gotta love those movie marathons!

( 10 ) The last memory I will list, although not the last random memory I have had recently, is not a distant memory at all, but rather one that is a combination of a past time as well as a time just yesterday. In World of Warcraft, you can form what is known as a "guild", which is basically just a club, in which you and other members share an inventory bank, gold for armor repairs, and a special "guild chat". Two years ago, my guild used to be very active and friendly, and there was always a fun interesting chat going on. I made so many friends, and we were always excited to see each other. Sadly, over the years, the guild sort of fell apart, everyone going their own ways. I still own it, however, and over the last 6 months I have been recruiting new members, as well as a few old friends who have returned. It is even better now, with the addition of our very own guild Mumble server, in which all guildies can actually talk to each other while playing. We had a full group of us in Mumble yesterday, talking and laughing and having a good time. It made me so proud of my guild, and I felt so blessed to know such amazing people.

Guild pride runs deep.
The Chosen One

Alliance
US-Icecrown

Garden 2012: Planted!

Zombie apocalypse survivability: I have it.

In other words, I have officially planted my garden for the year! I had been hoping to plant a few weeks ago, with the first signs of spring, but hubby wanted to plow the garden one more time, then we had almost a week straight of nothing but rain, and it was too wet to even go outside to plant! But the rain has let up for a few days, and this morning the ground was dry enough that I could walk through the garden and get my seeds planted.

The ground for the garden, nice and plowed and even and ready for planting!

It's supposed to rain today and tomorrow, which means that my newly planted seeds will get their initial watering in the next few hours! Nature is helping me stay green by lowering my water bill! How nice. =)

Let's take a closer look at what we have going on this year.

These are all the seeds I planted. Like last year, I have a row of sunflowers and a row of corn, though this year I did 2 rows of each, side by side. The sunflower seeds I used were some of the ones I harvested from last year's sunflowers! I tested a few in a cup of water earlier this week, and every seed sprouted. I did the rest of the garden a bit differently. Instead of long rows of each veggie, I split the garden into 4 sections: peppers, tomatoes, squash and eggplant, and vines (cantaloupe, watermelon, pumpkin, and cucumber). Each section has columns rather than rows, so it should be a little easier to keep track of everything and a lot less demotivating when I get to weeding in the upcoming months. After all, it's a lot easier to weed small columns rather than 80 ft long rows.

I decided this year I would leave out the in-ground plants, and make it a bit more simple. I don't think I'm quite ready yet for onions, potatoes, or carrots. We'll see about those in upcoming years. This year I also decided not to mess with transplanting. Some of the plants last year took to my soil very well, namely all the pepper plants and a few tomatoes. But nothing else survived when transplanted, and it forced me to then plant seeds much later in the season then they should have been planted. So it just made more sense to plant the seeds from the get-go. (Or should I say, the get-grow? Yeah I know, corny. Haha, Corn-y... Right, moving on then...)

I want to say we'll have a bit more luck this year, since there will be no goats or llamas stomping all over my veggies, and we still have our rabbit-fence put up to keep out any pesky wabbits--I mean, rabbits--that try to sneak in.

Well, let's give germination a chance to take effect, and let the sprouts reach the surface. I can't promise we'll have an update by this weekend, but keep a look out in the next few weeks for the first of hopefully many garden updates this year!

Happy growing!

Walnut Grove, Texas

Today is a special occasion on my blog. To try something a little different, I have done a "blog swap" with the writer of one of my favorite blogs, The Family Ringmaster (who also happens to be my mom). This post was written by her, on my blog, and I have written a post on hers. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

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If the world as we know it should indeed cease to be, at the end of this year, and if I should have to grab my family and our survival supplies, and bug out of Raleigh, and if it's still there ... I'm going to Texas. Aaaah, Texas - the land of wide open spaces, home of the Cowboys (on the horses, and on the field), and more importantly, that's where my daughter and her family live, on acres of ranch land. They own horses, chickens, pigs, cows, farm equipment, and guns. It's Survivor Central.

Between the nine of us, we could rival anything they've done on The Colony, or The Walking Dead. We'd be Little House on the Prairie! Let's take a look at the compelling characters:

•The Ringmaster is a long time mother, from a family of medical professionals, who is an avid and creative crafter, and studies natural health care through diet, herbs, and essential oils.
•Hubsy is a general handyman, with working knowledge of electrical, plumbing, and carpentry. He's a courageous protector, with some skill in the garden.
•My children are the IT guru, and two strong, able bodied girls (let's call them Mary and Carrie) who can assist in the household chores. You know what, I think one of those girls is more of a Nellie Olson than a Mary Ingalls.
•My Gal in TX, the crafter who can spin llama hair into yarn, and then crochet us blankets, and new clothes, is also a gardener, a taxidermist, and a chicken rancher.
•My Son in Law, the hunter, also studied architectural engineering, and is an adept builder and mechanic. As a Texan, born and raised, he is a true outdoors man.
•My two young grandsons will be raised with the knowledge handed down by the men, so when they're older, they'll be just as helpful in the future operations of our little compound.

In the lake, we'll fish, and gather water to boil for laundry and bathing. In the forest, we'll gather firewood, and the men can hunt those pesky wild boar, that will finally serve their purpose. We'll split logs to build cabins and sheds, and fences, as they come necessary, when we run out of lumber. We'll plant as much land as we can spare, with whatever seeds we can gather from the property. Even if all we grow are dandelions and spring onions, we can eat. Gal already has several fruit trees going, so we'll be sure to cultivate more of them. The womenfolk will tend to the household chores, using our craftiness to create clothing, blankets, candles, and soap. The men will, guard, hunt and build. With their combined knowledge, I'm sure they'll have us some form of naturally generated power for the tools, and the charging of an MP3 player. At night, we'll sit around the porch, listening to those songs that were once our favorites, and reminisce about the good old days, when we had microwaves, and laptop computers. My grandchildren won't even believe the stories I tell of times when women sought professionals to pluck hairs from their eyebrows, or men wore their waistbands around their knees.

Gal, Punkin and I will teach school in the barn, and we'll teach the history of countries that no longer exist. teach them to watch the sun, to know the time; and the animals, to know what type of weather to expect. We'll look to the sky, and try to map a calendar out of the stars and planets, so we'll know when to celebrate the holidays, that will seem unimportant, given the state of things, but will give us a reason to rejoice in life. Because Life will carry on.

Okay, so it's a beautiful fantasy, to want to recreate the best of Walnut Grove, in turbulent times. Don't we all wish that the downfall of modern society could result in the opportunity to create Utopia? Will Texas be the place to do it? Maybe I'll just keep hoping that my Gal will want to live a more suburban fantasy, here, with me. Being close to shopping centers, and thousands of nearby dwellings... there'll be much better looting. I mean scavenging.

Emotions, and Asking for Help with Them

Everyone, at some point or another, finds themselves on hard times. The emotions that are triggered by such hardships, regardless of what trouble you are having, can be difficult to handle. Sometimes it is all overwhelming, and sometimes it can be very scary. It can be hard to express those emotions to other people, and often times you feel guilty for even having those emotions in the first place. You might feel like you need someone to talk to, and can't find the courage to bring it up, even to your closest friends and loved ones. You are afraid that they will think less of you somehow; that your feelings and emotions will be looked down on or thought of as wrong, and that they will treat you differently, as if you are broken or unfit for your place in life.

It doesn't matter how big or small the troubles are. What matters is that they are important to you, they are affecting you, and no matter what anyone else thinks, they are YOUR problems, and anyone who cares about you should be supportive of your emotional turmoil even if the issue doesn't seem like much to them.

Everyone needs someone they can talk to. Keeping such emotions inside and trying to bury them or distract yourself from them, rather than address them, will always end badly. But we don't always feel like we have someone we can talk to.Sometimes we don't know how to talk to people we care about, or we want them to think everything is fine, or we don't want them to worry. Sometimes we are scared of what they will think. But there are people out there whose job is to listen-- to help.

It can be hard to ask for help.

As a matter of fact, it can be hard to admit that you need help at all. I know, because I have been struggling with my emotions for far too long now. I'm not sure when exactly they started really affecting me, but I know that I have been having mood swings that can go from one extreme to another in a matter of seconds. I can't find motivation to do anything, even get out of bed most mornings. I am always looking for a distraction from sadness or anger. I find myself moping about, procrastinating with simple chores like dishes or laundry. The smallest things can make me cry off and on for hours, even something as harmless as a sappy commercial. I crave adult interaction, yet when someone new is brought to the house and I have a chance at making a friend, I shut down and start looking for reasons not to like them. I know I need to get out of this house, but even with a new truck in the driveway I hate the idea of going anywhere. All of my emotions are conflicting, and none of them seem to make sense or have good reasons for existing.

I have tried many "home remedies" to set myself back on track. I have tried cutting out internet (my main distraction), I have tried setting up a workout regime (hoping weight loss could motivate me or at least lift my self esteem), I have tried using a chart system to teach myself good habits and get myself on a steady routine. All excellent ideas, but none of them worked. I do like the chart system though, and I think I will try to pick that back up soon.

One of my biggest problems is that I know I need help. I know it. It's obvious, not just to me but to those around me. I have already stood up and said, out loud,

"I need help."

But there is a big step in between admitting you need help and reaching out for it. I have been crying to my husband for too long, and although he is supportive of me and doing what he can to make things easier on me, there is really nothing he can do. I need help beyond his areas of expertise (which in this subject is little to none as it is) and I know I'm starting to sound repetitive. It's time to stand up and reach for the help I want, the professional help that I NEED.

What scares me the most is that it's a complete stranger. I know nothing about this person, and they are about to know everything about me. It shouldn't matter, specifically BECAUSE they are a stranger. What can I say, I fear the unknown. I don't want someone hearing me talk and deciding that I'm crazy. No one wants to hear that something is wrong with them. No one wants to hear that they need a prescription to be "normal." But, on the other hand, no one wants to live like this. With the constant ups and downs, never knowing what kind of mental roller coaster you are going to take each day.

So, today, I finally did it. I took that step, and I reached out for help. I found a nice little building in town, that accepts our insurance plan, with a variety of men and women psychiatrists that specialize in different areas of expertise, especially the types of mood and behavioral issues I am having, and I found one that I liked. I set an appointment for 2 weeks from now.

I'm not telling you all this so I can put my business out there, but so people know that if you are having trouble, there are people that can help. And even if you are afraid, you can do it. If I can do it, trust me, you can do it.

I'm scared. I don't know what will happen, or what advice I will be given, or anything. I just don't know. But I'm hopeful. I'm looking forward to actually wanting to get out of bed in the morning, to having energy, and to getting things done. I'm looking forward to stopping the mood swings and the random bouts of crying. I need this. And I'm not afraid to say it anymore. I need help.