We all have parts of life that are stuck in the past. Songs, scents, places. Things that trigger memories. Sometimes they are good memories, like family picnics or meeting your best friend. Sometimes they are bad memories, like traumatic experiences or difficult times. The worst feeling is knowing there are things in your present that you avoid because the memories hurt. I'm trying a little self-healing today, so let's start by facing fear and putting the past where it belongs... behind me. Here are my top 10 triggers. (No specific order.)
1. The song Moon Baby, by Godsmack.
I totally lost my virginity to that song. Not that THAT is the reason I can't listen to it anymore; it reminds me of that guy, and he did some really bad things to me that I'd like to forget.
2. Dark, lonely nights outside.
Sometimes when I'm driving down my driveway late at night, pitch black sky and deathly quiet, I'm reminded of the time my son ran away. So many bad things could have happened to him, it scares me to think of all the "what ifs", and on dark nights like that, all those thoughts just flood in.
3. Bruno Mars.
So, this isn't exactly a bad memory. It's actually a good one. But under bad circumstances. I had a friend that got to see Bruno Mars sing, and he was really excited about it. Problem was, I had gotten too close to him aaaand let's just say it was a bad time for my marriage. But even though it was a bad time, I have a lot of happy memories with him. And I feel guilty for being happy about them. I'm not saying I want to go back to those days, because we've all moved on and I love where I am in life. But I can't listen to Bruno Mars without remembering, so we have to count Bruno in the list of bad triggers.
4. The name Ken.
This has at least three memories attributed to it, one that's not bad but two that are. Ken was the name of an ex that just has a lot of complicated memories attached to him. It was also the name of my stepdad's stepdad. He wasn't a bad guy, but I accidentally tripped him once when I was a kid; I wasn't watching what I was doing and he fell. He had to go to the hospital and everything. He was okay, but he never looked at me the same way. Like he didn't like me and now he hated me. I don't know if he really felt that, but I felt hated and unwanted, and as a child, that's one of the worst things. To KNOW an adult doesn't want you around at all.
5. The name John.
It doesn't matter how you spell it, it's all the same memory. You know how there's always that one name in your life that EVERYONE shares? Every time I meet someone new or someone is telling me about a friend, it's always a Chris or a John. It's inevitable that I'd have enough memories with those names that they bring up the past. Especially the name John.
6. Cheating movies.
Whenever a movie shows a husband or wife being cheated on, they always show the pain they feel. Like in-depth close ups that last 20 minutes long. And how it ruined their life forever. They remind me all too clearly of the pain I caused my husband in the past.
7. My size 7 (and my size 14) jeans.
These might actually become good memories one day. But for now, they are triggers of a time when I was healthy and thin, wearing a size 7. Now my current 14s just remind me of how big I've gotten, and my 7s mock me. Which reminds me that I need to take better care of myself.
8. Dead chickens.
Talk about a horrible thing to trigger a memory! When I was depressed a few years ago, I stopped caring for the animals and garden the way I needed to. The garden was overrun with weeds and soon died, and the chickens became dehydrated and began to die. I lost sight of a lot that year, and the chickens paid the price. I hate reminders of how bad I had gotten.
9. November 17th.
That day, in 2013, is the day I lost my best friend to diabetes. The worst part was not being able to say goodbye. The last interaction we had, if you can even call it that, was two weeks prior to his death. He clicked like to a picture I posted on facebook. A picture of a dog I had, that I don't even have anymore. Just a chain of memories that I'll never have, because he isn't here to make new memories with. He was a great guy and an amazing friend, and he didn't deserve to have his life cut so short. These memories are also often triggered by K-Mart.
10. My family.
This is the one I love to hate the most. It's the best of the worst, and it's self destructive in the most loving way. I seek out its pain every day and it nourishes me. All because of the distance. I love my family, I have great memories of them (and terrible ones, but hey, don't we all?), but those happy memories are the gateway to suffering. My family is split three ways and all across the country. I live too far for them to visit me, and I can only visit one of them a year. Any time I have seen them since moving to Texas, anything I read about them on Facebook, any happy memories I have of time we spent together before I joined the Navy... all remind me of the fact that life is going on without me. I'm not there with them, to laugh or cry or hug. I'm missing parties, graduations, weekend sleepovers, birthdays, family get-togethers, barbecues, walks around the block, visits at work, inside jokes, pictures together... I've become that "distant cousin that I think lives in Texas, she might have some kids but I never met them." It doesn't help knowing that I'm the one that moved away, and I'm happy where I am in life, and I'm never moving back. So basically it's my own fault I'm missing out, and I have no right to be upset about it. Worst. Feeling. Ever.
Now that I've gotten it all out on the table, it's time to sort through it and start putting it away. My family won't get filed away in the past of course, but the pain needs to be. It's time to put that pain and fear and regret to rest.
