Letting Go

I am constantly learning new things about myself and about life itself. Last night, I discovered how to truly let go.

I leaned back, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and when I opened my eyes I just let my mind wander as I focused on how beautiful nature is. I watched the branches of the oak tree sway in the wind, and I watched the leaves dance in the breeze. I smiled at the shapes of the clouds as they drifted across the sky, and imagined what part of life they were imitating. It's fun to think that maybe the clouds wish they were solid objects, and maybe they take the shape of things they float over. Maybe a rabbit hopping through a garden, or a pirate ship braving the high seas? Haha, maybe. I looked out over our front pasture, and the lake. I watched my guineas chase grasshoppers through the weeds. I watched the sunlight sparkle across the ripples the fish made in the water.

I stopped worrying about everything. I didnt worry about our house, or what work needs to be done. I didn't worry about my parent's divorce, or what would happen to the family. I didn't even worry about the small things, like the few chores that didn't get done that day. I just... let it all go. I feel as if I finally accepted the fact that worrying about something does no good at all. It makes you freak out, and want to move faster and get things done, but all that really does is make you paranoid and nothing gets done properly, because you're trying to move too fast. I slowed down.

It's an amazing feeling, to just let go and let life take you where it wants you to go. And lately, life has been bringing me to some pretty amazing places. I'm better able to focus on my family, and I'm happier just being in the same room as they are. I have rediscovered my camera, and I have been taking pictures at every chance I get. I have been noticing more of the subtle looks my son gets on his face when he does things, and I'm beginning to understand him a bit better. I'm absorbing all the positive energy out there, and just soaking in it. I'm rejecting the negative energy, and using it's presence to convert it into more positive energy. I'm being happy just BEING. Does that make sense? I'm pretty sure theres a Taoist lesson in there somewhere.

My point is this: Sometimes you just have to let go. You can worry your life away, when you should be enjoying it. I have felt better, I have connected to my family more deeply, and I have formed more lasting friendships with my closest friends. Thank you, life, for your guidance. I love where you have taken me. I am so glad I have learned to let go.

Top Ten: Things my Stepmom is Missing

It's hard for me to deal with, but my dad and stepmom are getting a divorce. My stepmom first told me that she would never push me away, that even without my dad in the picture, I was still considered to be her daughter and she looked forward to seeing her grandkids (my little boys). But over the past few months, things have changed... and I'm not sure we can ever go back again. I love my stepmom, I have a lot of really fond memories with her, but sadly, the woman she is at this exact moment in time is not the woman that raised me. This woman has blocked me from facebook, this woman no longer listens to my problems and offers advice, this woman doesnt even seem to care about me anymore. I miss my REAL stepmom, and I wish that part of her would come back. But I have a feeling that part of her has been gone for a very long time. This list is the top ten things that I feel my stepmom is missing out on. I wish I could share them with her, but it's beyond my control.

1. I want her to be a part of my life. But right now it seems like the only friends she wants around her are the other "man haters," so to speak, and that's understandable. Every woman goes through that stage after a difficult breakup. I know I did whenever I went through that, and I imagine its much worse with a divorce.

2. She has blocked me on facebook, for no reason. That is not understandable. I am her daughter, and a mother should NEVER block their children. Facebook is the only way I have to connect with my family, since I live over a thousand miles away from them.

3. I want her to see my children grow up. I want her to see my boys at least every other year, and be able to hold them and let them know who she is.

4. I try to make sure my plans to visit go through, but if other people change their plans at the last minute, that messes up my plans, so it makes it very difficult. My husband and I are doing pretty good in life, but we still have to budget and move money around when it comes to paying for me to visit my family. But I still try.

5. I want her to see pictures of my boys as often as possible. This way, she will be able to feel like she is watching them grow up, even if she only gets to see them for a week every two years.

6. I post pictures of my babies all the time to Facebook. But how can she see them? If I am off of her Facebook, then by default she is off of mine. My profile is set to private; she can't see my photos. Unless she goes onto my sister's account to see them, but that seems like it would be too much work. So she most likely is missing out on all the adorable pictures of my baby boys. And they are growing up fast.

7. I want to be able to talk to her like we used to. I want to tell her about my day, and I want to ask for her advice. I want to know what she thinks, and I want to just have conversations with her, about anything at all.

8. Unfortunately, getting ahold of her can be difficult. Ever since I joined the Navy and left home, there have been times when I tried to connect to her. But when I called her phone, she would never answer. When I texted her, she would never reply. After a while, I just gave up. I felt like she just didnt want to talk to me at all. The only feedback I got from her was through my sisters or my dad, and even that only seems to have happened whenever I was planning to come visit. And now it seems the only way she wants to have any conversations with anyone at all are through email or facebook. As I've said, it cant be through Facebook now because she took me off of it. It seems as if she doesnt want to say anything to anyone unless it's in writing for divorce court. I wish she would understand that I'm not looking for a conversation that any court would be interested in. I want to say hi, how are you? I want to ask if she's seen this new movie, or if she read this book I heard about. I want to tell her what my boys did this week, and how fast they are growing up. I want to laugh with her, and cry with her, over my experiences with motherhood, and I want to hear about her experiences as well.

9. I most especially was looking forward to this fall; I had planned to surprise my stepmom. My sister is staying with me for the summer, and originally the plan was that she would stay at least until her birthday in October. Maybe longer, but we had at least that long. My husband and I were looking into flying my sister back, and I would go with her and bring BOTH of my boys with me. I was going to stay for (hopefully) 2 full weeks.

10. At the last minute, my stepmom changed the plans. My sister now has to be back by August. My time with my sister has been drastically cut short, and all of our summer plans are practically ruined. The majority of our money this summer is being saved for a family vacation to a National Park in Kentucky, then to my mom's house in North Carolina. We had planned on bringing my sister with us, and have already looked at reservations for renting a cabin. Once we were back from our September vacation, we were going to save the money to fly to Florida. It would cost for my sister's one way ticket, a round trip ticket for my 2 year old, and a round trip ticket for myself, and I would carry my then-6-month-old on the plane. As you can imagine, this would not be cheap. Not to mention, each suitcase costs about $25 to fly. My sister has about three, and I would bring at least one, if not two. Not cheap indeed. We can get my sister home by August, however, if that is how it has to be. But there is NO way I will be able to bring both boys. If my sister is old enough, we will most likely see about flying her back alone. If she can't fly alone, then we will move around some money and cut back on a few things so that I can fly with her. I am breastfeeding my youngest, so he will have to fly with me (which is fine, he can be carried on the plane). But my husband would have to drop us off and pick me up from the airport, and his vacation time at work has already been planned out, so he can't take off any more days. And if my 2 year old can't come with me, someone would have to watch him while my husband was at work during the week. There is no one available; so I can't be gone during a week. That means that my sister and I (with my youngest) would fly into Florida very late on a Friday evening, and my entire family would have only one day to see my little baby before I would to fly back to Texas first thing Sunday morning. One day. Just ONE day with my family, and only one of my boys. I wish my sister could stay longer again, like originally planned. Then the two weeks I was going to spend in Florida with BOTH of my baby boys could still happen. :(

I miss you, Lisa. The real you. I wish you would see how much it hurts me not to have you in my life. No matter what, I love you and I always will. I hoped that you would always love me as well, but I must have done something wrong, because you don't love me anymore. Whatever I did, I am sorry. The way things are going now, you are missing out on your grandkids, and they are never going to know one of the greatest women I knew, and I dont want them to miss out as well. But at this point, there is nothing I can do. If you really love me and my boys, then PLEASE let my sister stay out here past August, so I can have the money to bring my boys to your house and so you can spend time with them. :'(

Top Ten: Childhood Memories

This week, I have decided to do a Top Ten based on a suggestion I recieved, and what a good time to do it, too. My brother graduated from high school this week, and it has gotten me thinking about what it was like being a child. I probably have a top twenty childhood memories, but lets start with these for today. :)

1. Books. I have always loved reading. When I was in Elementary school, I'm pretty sure I read half the library! That may be an exaggeration, but the truth is that I always had a book I was reading, and week to week, it was almost always a new book. In 5th grade alone, I managed to read almost the entire Nancy Drew series (at that time, there were something like 134 books). Each book was an adventure, and one of my favorite memories as a child was taking all these different adventures and meeting so many new people.

2. The Sewers. When I was 6 years old, we lived in an apartment complex that ran right next to a ditch. The sewer pipes from under the apartments ran out into this ditch. My friends and I used to climb down to the pipes and play in the sewers. It sounds gross, but boy was it fun!!! I remember we would take turns, one of us would stand in the parking lot and look down the sewer grate and the rest of us would run through the pipes till we got to that grate and we would wave up at our friend. We had quite the imagination. After a while, we began imagining that the sewers were filled with rats and alligators. And if you saw one, you had to lay flat, because he wouldn't be able to attack you, only walk over you (glad we never ran into a gator to test that theory, because we would have been quite wrong). We became paranoid at a certain point though, just before we stopped playing there. Have you ever noticed that some pipes end with bars, so you cannot go into them? We began to believe that the government was watching us from invisible helicopters, and once we ran into the pipes, they would repel down ropes in black ninja outfits and bolt bars over the ends so we would be trapped in the sewers forever, with the rats and alligators! We always had a friend stand at the end of the pipe to scream at us at the first sight of a ninja. Oh, the things kids think up sometimes!

3. Mom and the Maintenance Man. When we lived in those same apartments, after my parents' divorce, my mom had the BIGGEST crush on our apartment maintenance guy. She used to sit on our back porch and watch him drive by in his golf cart. Occasionally he would come over and they would talk for a while. I remember one time, I was sitting on the porch with her, and he was driving by. She leaned in close to me, and she said "Oh, Crystal! Isn't he handsome?!?" And as the faithful best friend I answered, "Yes mommy!" Well, that maintenance man is now my step dad. This little mother-daughter moment is special to me, because it was one of those "dreams come true" moments.


4. Music. I LOVED to sing. Still do, as a matter of fact. I sang anything on the radio, but mostly songs my mom played often. I usually got most of the words right (even if I was off on the notes) but some of the words I missed still make me laugh today. I'm not sure why I thought Ace of Base would sing "I am puppy dog living without you" or why Counting Crows would sing about a "flamingo dancer." I remember I even had a dance routine that went with "The Sign" (that Ace of Base song I mentioned) and it even ended with a cartwheel. (By the way, the correct lines are "I am happy now living without you" and "flamenco dancer").


5. Babysitting the Cousins. My aunt used to ask me to babysit her kids some weekends. I would come over in the evening, and stay all night. They would usually get home sometime in the early hours of the morning, so I was really only watching them till bedtime, then we would wake up in the morning and the parents would be home. And we had so much fun! It didn't even seem like a babysitting job, because my cousins listened to me (I was only about 5-6 years older than one, and like 8 years older than the other). We watched movies, had popcorn, played video games, played board games... it was like an unsupervised sleepover. I always looked forward to babysitting, because I knew we would have lots of fun!


6. Self Esteem in 5th Grade. I'm not sure when I started getting low self esteem, probably right around the time that I began to like boys. Mostly because it's at that time that a girl starts to notice that other girls are way prettier, and that can get you down. In 5th grade, however, I had a few notable achievements that have taught me I can be better than I think. One such achievement was winning an essay contest. The entire 5th grade had to write an essay on why we would never do drugs (part of the Drug Abuse Resistance Education program, a.k.a. DARE). Two winning essays were chosen to be read aloud to the entire grade, and mine was one of them. To top it off, after they were read, many people congratulated me and commented on how I was a terrific public speaker. Another achievement was during a game of capture the flag. I have never been a "sports" person, but during this game, I was trying to stop the fastest kid in class from getting near my teams flag. He was running at full speed, and gaining ground. I knew I had to stop him soon; once he had that flag, the game would be over in a matter of minutes. So I gave it all I had, and I CAUGHT HIM! I outran the fastest kid in class! I was very proud of myself for that one. :)

7. Easy Bake Oven. What little girl didn't have an Easy Bake Oven? I used to love baking cakes, cookies, brownies... just about anything you can put in a tiny little pan. I loved using the tiny spatula and the tiny spoon, and my favorite part was frosting the little cakes, then cutting tiny slices off and setting them on plates to serve to the family. These fond baking memories have led me to love baking as much as I do today. And you know what? My favorite part is still the decorating.


8. Summer with MomMom. Every few years, I got to travel. I got to fly to Maryland and stay 2 weeks with my mom's mom, whom all us grandkids refer to as "MomMom". We always had so much fun! She had a pool in her back yard, which I spent every waking moment swimming in. In the evenings, we would eat Maryland Steamed Crabs with Old Bay seasoning, and steamed shrimp with melted butter... she even had a pool table in the basement! I went on their computer and beat my grandfather's score at golf, I discovered the game "Chip's Challenge" (and to this day haven't beat it), and occasionally she would take me for a drive to see the sights. We went to Ocean City, we drove across Chesapeake Bay, we saw wild pony poop (not sure if we ever actually saw the wild ponies, lol) and I got to see a lot of historical sites. It's too bad I wasnt interested in much history back then, because I would love to see those sites again. Summers at MomMom's house were always much to look forward to. Except for one tiny little thing: she always had to get out the camera when we were eating. [enter loving laughter over fond memory here]


9. Gifted with Mrs. Yocum. I was tested for and approved for gifted classes at a very young age. However, I never went to the school that actually hosted the gifted class, so once a week I would hop on a bus and travel to a different school to attend that class. It was a small class, but it was my favorite part of the week. I always looked forward to gifted, because we did such fun things. I remember for a large part of one year, we imagined that we were aliens. We each had to create an alien world that we came from, a background story for our heritage, and an alien name. Though I don't remember my "alien" name, I remember I was from Saturn. We were constantly being tested academically and our mental limits stretched to the extreme, being asked questions no one would normally ask and being required to come up with different answers each time. I loved and thoroughly enjoyed the creativity. One of my favorite questions: How do you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Really think about it! :)

10. Tales of the Crystals. My mom bought me a game when I was a kid, called Tales of the Crystals. It was a game based entirely upon imagination. It turned your entire house or yard into another world entirely. I remember playing the game, and I remember the basic layout of our apartment and where I had labeled each different section of this imaginary world, but when I look back at my times playing the game, I actually remember seeing things that could not have been there, and being places that did not exist. I remember there was an evil witch who lived in a castle built on a cliff, and there was a secret entrance into her evil lair (but it was hard to get to). I remember a huge field of gold, wheat almost waist high. I remember a beautiful green forest, with tree sprites and wild animals. There was even a waterfall. I remember a time when the evil witch had poisoned the water at the waterfall, and the deer and other animals were drinking the corrupt water at the lake that formed at the bottom of the falls, and it was turning them to stone. I had to gather the ingredients for the antidote, and heal the poisoned creatures. This game was probably my favorite memory of all, simply because my imagination was so strong that I actual remember seeing the imagined world, as if I was really there. It's one of the highlights of being a child; being able to use your imagination and do things that as you grow up you realize that you could never do. Before hard reality sets in, and the sky isn't even the limit. ♥

Trust and Faithfulness

With everything that's been going on this past week and a half, I never stopped to realize that I'm being watched. And why should I have? I have done nothing wrong; in fact, for once in my life I am doing everything right. In this aspect of my life especially.

Since my husband has been gone, I have cleaned the house. I have rearranged. I have been caring for all of the animals. I have been watering the garden. I have been hatching eggs and caring for the chicks. I have even been cleaning the truck that my husband drives, and cleaning up the yard. On top of that, I have my boys to care for. All this work has been a lot for me, especially when the truck broke down the other day (and I am most definitely NOT an auto mechanic). So Mike has asked his friends to come over at times to help me out. And that help has been more and more appreciated as the temperature outside rises and the heat becomes unbearable. But apparently, their help is not appreciated by everyone. So I am writing this post to attempt to explain things to the people who have decided to "watch".

First of all, I don't care what you think, and I don't care how it "looks". You should know better than to jump to conclusions and judge people. Just because a teen is pregnant, doesnt mean she's a slut; she could have been raped. Just because a man is extremely overweight doesnt mean he's a fat lazy pig; he could have a medical disorder. And just because the friends that come over to my house are guys doesnt mean I'm doing anything inappropriate. I'm actually disappointed in you for not having faith in me, and for thinking that I would allow something to happen. Go ahead, call my hubby. And he will tell you the exact same thing.

Yes, the only three friends I have out here are guys. Two of them were my husband's friends first, but over the years they have become my friends as well. What difference does it make whether my friends are guys or girls, whether they come over and hang out outside or inside, whether we hang out at the house or in town, whether they are here during the day or the evening? Yes, my husband is out of town. But did you know that my husband and I text each other all day long? That we talk on the phone every chance we get? That in the evenings we play an online game together so that we can spend time together even though we are miles apart? I bet you thought we did, but you weren't sure. Did you bother to ask? Of course not.

My husband and I trust each other. It helps that we keep each other informed of what we are doing and who we are with. I tell my husband every time someone wants to come over, I tell him when they get here, when they leave, and everything that happened while they were here. Here is an example of a typical day when a friend comes over (I have substituted the friend's name for [my friend] in this example):

"Hey honey, [my friend] would like to come over. He doesnt work tomorrow and he doesnt have anything better to do, so he thought he would come hang out here and keep me company, and he will help me with the chores." At this point my husband can tell me yes or no. If he doesnt want someone over here at that time, then no one will come over. Then "Hey sweetie, [my friend] just got here. Just letting you know." Simple, right? Later on: "Hey thought I'd let you know [my friend] is leaving. We got over half of the yard cleaned and mowed, and he knows what's wrong with the truck."

It's like that every time someone wants to come over. EVERY TIME. My husband is kept well informed, and what he says goes. So if wants them gone, he just tells me and they are gone. No one comes over to this house without his knowledge. Maybe in your house and in your marriage, you would do things differently. Maybe you dont have the trust in your life that I have with my husband. Maybe you have been in this situation, and maybe you made the wrong decisions and are afraid that I will do the same. Maybe you trust me, but you dont trust my friends. Maybe you think that if someone tried to take advantage of me, that I wouldnt be able to stand up for myself and handle the situation (remember I have a fully stocked gun safe in the bedroom). Maybe you feel that having anyone at all over to the house while my husband is gone is disrespectful. Unfortunately, it doesnt matter what you think.

That being said, my husband and I are grown adults; what we do in our relationship is our own business, not yours. If he allows me to have friends visit in his absence, that is his choice. You can offer your advice as freely and as frequently as you like, but ultimately it is up to my husband and I whether or not we choose to follow it. Why it should bother you so much is beyond me. I don't complain to you when you do something I dont approve of. Do you know why? Because I have already accepted the fact that you are a grown adult yourself. It is none of my business what you do or have done, because that is your own personal life. It does not affect me. Just like me and my husband's life is personal and does not affect you. So I would appreciate it if you would mind your own business and let us live our adult lives the way we want to. We trust each other, and we are being completely faithful to each other both physically and emotionally. You should support that and trust us as well.

I have said this in the nicest possible way that I could. I have explained myself where I do not feel I should have needed to explain, and it hurts me that you dont have that trust in me or my husband to make the right decisions. Just know that in the end, what we do IS in fact OUR decision. And quite frankly, I'd say we're doing a damn good job. You can say what you want and try to hurt us, but we are stronger than you or your words. I love my hubby, and he loves me. We have come a long way, and we are faithful and communicative. We trust each other, and we trust the few friends that we have. Nothing else matters. Especially not your indignation or jealousy.

What a Week!

As I'm sure you all have noticed, I posted last Wednesday and haven't posted since; I missed out on Saturday's Garden Update, and I missed out on today's Top Ten. Well, here's why.

Last Monday we brought David home from the hospital after his little Copperhead adventure. Then first thing Tuesday morning, I had to get up at 6am to take my husband to work. He was scheduled to work out of town for almost 2 weeks; he doesnt get back until this upcoming Sunday. So this past week I have been all over the place trying to keep myself busy and keep my mind off of the fact that my hubby isn't here.

Last week I spent deep cleaning the house. First I cleaned out the back porch and made it into a bedroom for my sister to stay in. Then I moved our computer setup back into our bedroom where it belongs, rather than the "temporary" spot on our dining room table (that it has been sitting on since March), and I am planning on moving the table into the kitchen as well. When my husband gets back from being out of town, he will only be home for about 2 days before he heads out again, this time to Orlando, Florida to pick up my sister. He will also be bringing home a pool table that we bought from my dad, and so it has been my task to make a space for it. (Good bye dining room that we never use,  hello game room!) With that out of the way, I also need to clean the truck both inside and out so that it will be ready for his trip to Florida.

Then I have been taking care of the animals. Collecting eggs, incubating them, hatching them, feeding and watering chicks and birds... and the garden! The weather has gotten up into the high 90's and has even gone into triple digits at times, so my garden is really suffering. I water it, but even in the evenings its so hot that I'm not sure how much water the plants are really getting. I'm scared for them, because I dont want to lose anything, but after this week getting so hot so fast and the water just evaporating faster than the plants can absorb it, I'm worried that the garden might not make it. We can't afford to water it every day, and it shouldnt need that. But we will just have to see how things go. I'm praying for rain, but any potential storms this week have only brought lightning and thunder.

And of course, I spend as much time as possible with my hubby long-distance. We text all day long, we talk on the phone when we can, and in the evenings we attempt to get online at the same time to play World of Warcraft. Regardless of what I'm doing, I haven't been able to concentrate on any one task for long. Because of this, I lost track of the days and missed Saturday, so the garden update never happened, and I havent been able to focus on a Top Ten list of any sort long enough to write one out.

So unfortunately, this week has gone by without any blog posts, and it's looking like this next week may not have any either. Until my hubby gets home Sunday night, I am a mess and I just dont think I'll be able to concentrate. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you may not see much of me at all this week, but fear not! I shall return. :)

To My Cousin Erynn

We've been through a lot in our lives. Both together, and apart. We've had our good times, and our bad times. But no matter what has ever happened or what anyone has ever said, we always come together again. You have always been my favorite cousin, and one of my closest friends. Even when we have NO IDEA what the other person is doing, we know that we will have long conversations about it all, laughing and crying together, when we see each other next.

your wedding day

I moved away, and began a stage of life that you weren't at yet. We had a lot of differences, and we were doing a lot of different things. I got married, and had children. I started a real life of my own, and I couldnt help but wonder if we would be able to be as close as we had been with our seperate lives as we got older. But then a year ago, you got married. And now here we are, today, and you are about to have your first baby boy. Today, you officially step up into the next stage of life, with a family of  your own and a new beginning. I am so proud of you, and I love you so much!

We are back in the same stage of life again, and you have no idea how happy that makes me. And even better, is that for the first time in 5 years, we live close enough to each other to visit. I can't wait till later this summer, when you bring your newborn to see me, and you get to meet my newborn. We still have a long way to go in our lives, more good times and more bad times. But at least now, we know we can do it together again. <3

you at 39 weeks

Congratulations, little momma. When you meet your baby, make sure to tell him how loved he is. And how blessed he is to have you as his mother. ♥