This weekend my husband is taking me and our son David out camping on the Brazos River. We are going to be with my mother-in-law, her husband, and his family. It should be fun; fishing, camping, grilling, eating... we're even bringing our little dog, Lizzy. She's half schnauzer and half dachshund and she LOVES to swim.
But I'm nervous. See, I have these scars. They're all over my legs, and quite a few on my arms. I wish I could say I had no control over them, like "they're from a fire" or "doused in boiling water" or something... but no, these are my own fault. I didn't put them there myself, not really. I used to get bit by a lot of fleas, mosquitoes, ants, and chiggers. Itchy stuff. And I scratched. I scratched and scratched until I was raw and bleeding, then once they scabbed over... I scratched some more. So in a way, I gave myself every scar.
Since we're going to a river, you can imagine I will have to be seen in shorts. I refuse to wear less than shorts (no bathing suit this time around) until I have lost a few more pounds (notice I am very self conscious, but quite optimistic) but shorts themselves are enough. Everyone will see my legs. And the scars.
I know that since it's my own body, I will scrutinize it more than anyone else. I mean, no one is looking at my legs through a microscope, and not nearly as closely as I am. But I see so many. I thought that maybe if I didn't get any sunlight, my legs would be white and you wouldn't be able to see the scars. But I tried it, and the scars stand out kinda pinkish. So I thought maybe I would get a tan, and they will fade away. But then they stand out kinda white. I recently started putting a lotion on them each night before bed but I haven't done it in the last few weeks. I need to. Looking at them at this exact minute... they don't look so bad. Maybe it's the lighting. Maybe since I haven't scratched all year they are starting to heal. I can only hope. But they are still there, and I can still see them. And others will, too.
When I had my son, I didn't really think about it. No nurse is looking at your legs when a baby is about to pop out. But mine did. They were telling me that I would have my son that night, and one nurse said, "Oh my god! What happened to your legs?!" It was embarrassing, even though I was the only one in the room at the time. What are they gonna say this weekend?
PS: Scale read out 146.8 lbs this morning. Same time every morning, lower and lower it gets. I was about 144 when I was 6 weeks pregnant. I'm almost at prepregnancy weight!
right. everybody has scars, the nurse was a preppy bitch, and you weight 50 lbs less than me! (ideal weight for me is supposedly around 140..) but anyways, you should be so self conscious but i have no room to talk, i am also my own worst critic. but luckily no matter how hard i bash myself it doesn't depress me. if you hear bad things about you, or even if you think bad things about yourself. you should just take that energy and use it to help yourself. like... right, when they say to use your anger constructively! like that, but with depressing thoughts. lol. i really don't know if other people think that's weird but that's how i have always looked at it. do you know the phrase "every dark cloud has a silver lining"? or something like that, my friend once asked me, "do your silver linings have any dark clouds?"
ReplyDeleteP.S. i don't know how the thing below works so fuck it, this was posted by a STRanGer named James.
not so self conscious* i think it might of cut out a little from the top but idr what i wrote... lol
ReplyDeleteI can understand exactly how you feel. For a very long time in my life, I was overly self-conscious about old acne scars. Even when they were mostly healed and faded, I still saw them in the mirror as if they were fresh and new. It felt as though they were a big red waving flag that would get everyone's attention, before they even noticed ME. In reality, that wasn't the case. We are always our own worst critics. Let's look at some other points: First, James the Stranger is right about that nurse. I wouldn't call her a bitch, but her reaction was not very "nurse"-like. It was rude. But that's a flaw on her part, not yours. Second, ask yourself why you stopped using the lotion. Maybe deep inside, the scars don't bother you as much as you think they do. Or maybe you really don't want to get rid of them; maybe you cling to them because you think they define you. Maybe you're using them as a weapon against yourself. Think deeply on that. Now ask yourself this: would a soldier in Iraq or Afghanistan who just lost his legs in a roadside bomb give anything to have your legs, scars and all? Aren't your legs those beautiful wonderful appendages that allow you to run and play with your son? Or to chase after him to keep him safe from danger? Do they carry you out into the wilderness to camp, hike, swim, and enjoy the natural world that you love so much? Don't they allow you to walk around your property to care for all those animals that you love? So, they have scars on them, so what. They're there, and they work, and so they're absolutely fabulous. We all have SOMETHING that makes us imperfect. We all have a back story. We were never meant to be perfect in the first place. It's what we do with what we have that makes us courageous, strong, wise, and absolutely brilliant!
ReplyDelete