Irreplaceable

Some things just can't be remade. Most especially the moments of our lives. They are unique, like fingerprints or zebra stripes. Of course, even experiencing these things differently, we are all still human. And all zebras are still zebras. But it's those differences that make them special; the reason we get sentimental, or the reason we look back on a memory and suddenly feel that familiar stirring of emotions that was first incited in the moment we are recalling.

We all experience much the same things in life. But what, of those things, we choose to 'take with us', to file away not only in our minds but in our hearts as well, is again unique to us, as if they are extentions of ourselves. Our memories shape who we are today, and the memories we are creating now will shape who we will be tomorrow.

There are a lot of things lately, the little things, I think, that I have found myself thinking about. Usually just before bed, when I reflect on what I did that day, and what I'd like to do when I wake. And I've come to realize... there is nothing like a cat tugging at the end of your yarn when you are trying to crochet. It's the pure joy and thrill of the chase that shines in your cat's eyes that really makes the moment. How even a cat can take advantage of the simplest things and find new and exciting uses for them.

There really is nothing like following your eldest boy into their bedroom, stopping at the doorway to pick up your youngest--who has asked so nicely to be carried to bed--only to have your eldest run back to the doorway and wait his turn to be carried to bed too (now that he knows it's an option). There is no replacement for the constant forgetfulness all day long--the pills that are taken hours behind schedule, and the cups that wait patiently on the counter to be filled, and even the bladder that screams to be emptied after countless times of getting off the couch, only to get caught up in other things--then to sit down to bed at the end of the day, and to have your mind imagine hearing a text message come into your phone, just to remind you to put it on your nightstand. There is nothing as amazingly embarrassing--which in turn becomes laughable--when you realize how much you cried during a favorite show or movie, even when there was no one around to see you that way.

There is nothing like sitting down to crochet, getting comfortable, then suddenly getting the urge to blog (thank god for tablets!). There is nothing quite like watching your kids read books to the best of their ability, and realizing that they are growing up faster than you want them to. Every time they point to a letter and get excited. Every time they sit down to an educational movie and you catch them counting the numbers on the video before they are said aloud. Really I think just watching your children grow and learn, whenever you really stop to think about the wonder that it is.

Then there's the feeling of completing a project you were working on, for me in particular that is when I finish one of my crochet pieces. Maybe a stuffed animal, a purse, or a kitchen wall mural. The knowledge that you took a simple piece of string and created something wonderful.

And of course what kind of fond memories would they be without marriage? Often times, those are the best ones. There is nothing like spending time outside while your husband works on a project and having him randomly walk over and put his coat around your shoulders because he noticed you were cold. Nothing beats walking into a room and seeing the smile sweep across his face as he tells you that you are so beautiful... even in those pajama pants and unbrushed hair.

Then there are the things you couldnt see that brighten your thoughts. Such as the excitement of a new idea, or the hope pulling you toward a new year and a fresh start. The curiosity about whether you'll ever have a daughter, and what on Earth you'd name her if you did.The sheer beauty in the scent of fresh air, and the myriad of food fantasies your mind creates when you get hungry (even when the dream of living in a house made of Subway sandwiches is shattered by the fact of a hotdog on bread).

There is so much more than just this. There are the memories you lived, and the ones you observed. Like watching your dog seem to enjoy the new sweater you knitted for her. Watching your husband sleep. Watching your children sit on the couch sharing books, getting up for a snack or a drink, and not coming back unless they also had one for their brother.

There will always be memories that, no matter how hard we fight ourselves, we cant recall. The worst of these are the ones we never had. It's a sad thing, to regret not having a memory. Especially when there's nothing you could have done to create it. For me, it lies in knowing that my brother and sisters and cousins are growing up halfway across the country, and I'm missing out.

Which of course brings me to my final point, one I'm sure has crossed your mind during this. What about the bad memories? The ones we hid away and locked deep inside? Or even the ones we wear on our sleeves, not always by choice? Sexual assault, a bad breakup, a friend's betrayal, a layoff at work... these negative memories shape us just as much as the positive ones. But I don't want to elaborate on those. The choices I've made due to my negative memories are done and over with, and it's the positive ones that will carry me forward.

Live each moment to its fullest, and at the end of the day, remember the little things... the small moments that made you smile. Because they will carry you, too, through darkness and rain, back to brighter times again. And because they are irreplaceable.