Emotions, and Asking for Help with Them

Everyone, at some point or another, finds themselves on hard times. The emotions that are triggered by such hardships, regardless of what trouble you are having, can be difficult to handle. Sometimes it is all overwhelming, and sometimes it can be very scary. It can be hard to express those emotions to other people, and often times you feel guilty for even having those emotions in the first place. You might feel like you need someone to talk to, and can't find the courage to bring it up, even to your closest friends and loved ones. You are afraid that they will think less of you somehow; that your feelings and emotions will be looked down on or thought of as wrong, and that they will treat you differently, as if you are broken or unfit for your place in life.

It doesn't matter how big or small the troubles are. What matters is that they are important to you, they are affecting you, and no matter what anyone else thinks, they are YOUR problems, and anyone who cares about you should be supportive of your emotional turmoil even if the issue doesn't seem like much to them.

Everyone needs someone they can talk to. Keeping such emotions inside and trying to bury them or distract yourself from them, rather than address them, will always end badly. But we don't always feel like we have someone we can talk to.Sometimes we don't know how to talk to people we care about, or we want them to think everything is fine, or we don't want them to worry. Sometimes we are scared of what they will think. But there are people out there whose job is to listen-- to help.

It can be hard to ask for help.

As a matter of fact, it can be hard to admit that you need help at all. I know, because I have been struggling with my emotions for far too long now. I'm not sure when exactly they started really affecting me, but I know that I have been having mood swings that can go from one extreme to another in a matter of seconds. I can't find motivation to do anything, even get out of bed most mornings. I am always looking for a distraction from sadness or anger. I find myself moping about, procrastinating with simple chores like dishes or laundry. The smallest things can make me cry off and on for hours, even something as harmless as a sappy commercial. I crave adult interaction, yet when someone new is brought to the house and I have a chance at making a friend, I shut down and start looking for reasons not to like them. I know I need to get out of this house, but even with a new truck in the driveway I hate the idea of going anywhere. All of my emotions are conflicting, and none of them seem to make sense or have good reasons for existing.

I have tried many "home remedies" to set myself back on track. I have tried cutting out internet (my main distraction), I have tried setting up a workout regime (hoping weight loss could motivate me or at least lift my self esteem), I have tried using a chart system to teach myself good habits and get myself on a steady routine. All excellent ideas, but none of them worked. I do like the chart system though, and I think I will try to pick that back up soon.

One of my biggest problems is that I know I need help. I know it. It's obvious, not just to me but to those around me. I have already stood up and said, out loud,

"I need help."

But there is a big step in between admitting you need help and reaching out for it. I have been crying to my husband for too long, and although he is supportive of me and doing what he can to make things easier on me, there is really nothing he can do. I need help beyond his areas of expertise (which in this subject is little to none as it is) and I know I'm starting to sound repetitive. It's time to stand up and reach for the help I want, the professional help that I NEED.

What scares me the most is that it's a complete stranger. I know nothing about this person, and they are about to know everything about me. It shouldn't matter, specifically BECAUSE they are a stranger. What can I say, I fear the unknown. I don't want someone hearing me talk and deciding that I'm crazy. No one wants to hear that something is wrong with them. No one wants to hear that they need a prescription to be "normal." But, on the other hand, no one wants to live like this. With the constant ups and downs, never knowing what kind of mental roller coaster you are going to take each day.

So, today, I finally did it. I took that step, and I reached out for help. I found a nice little building in town, that accepts our insurance plan, with a variety of men and women psychiatrists that specialize in different areas of expertise, especially the types of mood and behavioral issues I am having, and I found one that I liked. I set an appointment for 2 weeks from now.

I'm not telling you all this so I can put my business out there, but so people know that if you are having trouble, there are people that can help. And even if you are afraid, you can do it. If I can do it, trust me, you can do it.

I'm scared. I don't know what will happen, or what advice I will be given, or anything. I just don't know. But I'm hopeful. I'm looking forward to actually wanting to get out of bed in the morning, to having energy, and to getting things done. I'm looking forward to stopping the mood swings and the random bouts of crying. I need this. And I'm not afraid to say it anymore. I need help.

Dear Life

Dear Life,

You are the reason I hate roller coasters. I know that the longer it takes to go up, the farther and steeper the fall. I can't stay on this ride... My sanity and mental well-being are hanging in the balance. I need to stay up for a while, and I'm not talking about balancing the high wire. I'm talking about sure footing on steady ground.

I can tell myself that I have dropped all drama out of my life, but you know as well as I do that those words are hollow. I can never truly be done with it so long as I'm at war with myself.

A person can only claim to "start over" so many times, and you are the only life I have been given. So like it or not, I am going to work with you. It is time we stopped with the what-ifs and let go of what we can't change. It is time to start changing everything we can, because how can you be happy knowing that i'm settling for you? I don't want to settle anyways. I can't keep putting happiness aside for when everything is right in the world; that day may never come. Then I will have only succeeded in wasting you.

I am going to start fixing things. If I have to tear the old down completely and rebuild, then that is what I will do. I'm tired of wasting my time wondering when the next crash will be and who it will hurt.

You will hurt me no more. I will show you your true meaning. And you know this to be true; because no matter what you do, I am stubborn and will not give up on you.

I can fix this.

Love always, no matter how much you fight me or try to bring me down,

Crystal

Top Ten: The Financial Prowess of a Toddler

 This week's Top Ten is in the form of a story. You see, last night my son showed me the Top Ten things he knows about money. Or rather, for money.

It was time for bed last night. One child was already asleep in his crib, the other one standing at the edge of my bed asking to sleep with mommy and daddy. The answer was no, but that doesn't mean we had to send him off to his own bed just yet. Hubby felt bad because the look on our son's face was so heartbreaking... so to cheer him up, he dug through his pockets and pulled out some loose change. David absolutely LOVES putting coins in his piggy bank. He doesn't know what they are for yet, but he loves saving them.

So David runs into his bedroom and grabs his piggy bank, and brings it back to our bed.
#1: He knows how to save money, and he knows that you can never save too much.
Very carefully, he picks up one coin at a time and drops it in the slot in the little blue piggy's back. Soon he has successfully saved every coin.

Then he holds out his hand for more.

While cracking up laughing, hubby goes over to his computer desk and grabs a few coins from next to his keyboard. He thinks for a moment, and tells David that he will give him more coins if he can earn them.

So, the games begin.
 #2- #8: He knows that if he points to body parts and performs activities when prompted, there is the possibility of a monetary reward.

"David, where is your nose?" David puts his finger on his nose.
"Good job! Where is your mouth?" David opens his mouth wide and puts a finger in his mouth.
"Very good! Now where are your eyes?" David squints and places a finger on first one eye, then the other.
"Alright, good job David! You're so smart! But do you know where your ears are?" David wiggles a finger around his ear.
"Good job! Just a few more! Can you... clap?" David claps excitedly.
"Alright, can you... wave?" David waves with his left hand, pauses, then waves with his right hand. Apparently to make sure we were satisfied.
"Last one... Where are your feet?" David lifts a leg and wiggles his toes.
"GOOD JOB!!!! We're so proud of you! You're so smart! Here you go!" And David begins very carefully inserting the next handful of coins into his piggy bank.

When he is finished, he looks up at us, babbles something in his own little language, and points over to the computer desk where he knows there may be some coins. He then points back to the slot in the little blue piggy's back, and babbles some more. It is obvious he is telling us to get him some more coins for his bank.
#9: He knows where we keep other money, and where it needs to be (A.K.A. in his piggy bank).

Hubby and I could not stop laughing. We were making comments on how teaching a child is apparently as easy as training a dog. We are essentially making our child do tricks for treats. (This was the first time we had tested his knowledge with an actual reward other than hugs and lots of praise, and although we don't want to encourage this sort of thing, it was very entertaining.) Hubby gets up and grabs one last handful of coins, this time from our own coin jar. He sits back on the bed and tells David that these are the last ones for the night. Hubby pauses for a moment before giving him the coins, so that he could let me know that although he did take them from our jar of coins, they're bound to last longer and go to a better cause in David's piggy bank. Which I agreed with.



The few moments it took for us to exchange that short conversation was just too long for David. He must have thought we were going to ask him more questions, because when we looked back at him, he was touching his mouth, then nose, eyes, ears... he was waving, then holding up first one foot, then the other. That sent us reeling in laughter so hard that I fell backwards on the bed. I was in physical pain from laughing so hard. We hugged David and assured him that he wasn't required to perform tricks for the coins, we were going to give them to him anyways.

Climbing into a computer chair to search for more coins.

He put the coins into his piggy, and we began easing into the idea of him going to his own bed now. Just before we were about to get up and walk him to his room, hubby says, "Hey David, where is your nose?" David turns to face his daddy, cocks one eyebrow, and promptly holds out his hand.
#10: He knows not to follow through on his end of the deal without cash in hand.

Okay, David. You can sleep with mommy and daddy tonight. I daresay you've earned it. Besides, if we wait another minute I might literally die of laughter.

The Amazingness of Children

I just have to take a moment out of my day to point out how amazing children are.

I'm sitting here, watching my 10 month old son playing peacefully by himself, with whatever he happens to see. A pacifier, a plastic ball, a scratched CD-R. Watching him realize the light reflecting off of the disc makes pretty colors. Watching him take the pacifier out of his mouth, examine it, flip it upside down, and put it back into his mouth. Watching him hold the ball, and bring his arm up, then down, then dropping the ball and watching ever so closely how it bounces.

It's almost as if I can see his little mind recording every detail of life--every action and reaction-- and learning from it all. I love watching him. The looks on his face are just priceless.

I think my favorite part, though, is when my kids pull out their toys and start playing with them. Not even toys that make sounds or light up, but the plain old plastic dinosaurs or blocks... toys that require imagination to make them really work. I love seeing my 3 year old stand up every plastic animal he has, then inch them around as if they are walking or moving... he'll lay the hippo on his side. He'll push the giraffes closer together. He gets so concentrated and focused. I just have to wonder what is going on inside that little head of his. What is his imagination showing him? What is he REALLY seeing, and what are those animals really doing? Is he making them act out a movie he saw, or is he creating his own world? Why did that tiger just jump on the toy pig? Does he know that tigers eat pigs? Is the momma lion reading that Pinocchio book to her baby lion cubs? I wish I knew the answers.

And watching my 10 month old explore the house. He's like a young Indiana Jones. He pulls himself up on the bed or the couch, and climbs it like a rock wall. He crawls underneath the pool table and turns his head to look at the underside of it. He stands up in the center of a room, far from anything, and concentrates really hard on where he wants to be, then wobbles slightly as if he's standing on a cliff edge and needs to grapple to the other side. He uses the tips of his fingers to gently pick up something he finds, like a receipt that fell out of a pocket, or one of his brother's trading cards from a trading card game. He examines every inch of something he picks up, then attempts to use it in some way.

It amazes me to no end just how smart and creative children are. How they can figure out a dvd player, and how to put on a movie (and even press play!). Or how they can understand how to take off a diaper, throw it away, and bring me a new one. How they know exactly how each of their toy tools is supposed to be used. They understand every word I say, even if they can't say it yet themselves.

Whether they are learning actual skills or creating things in their mind, I can't help but stop and watch. I wish I could see what goes on in their minds. But in a way, I'm glad I can't. Because not knowing is part of what makes it so much fun to watch!