Ah, dreams. They can be meaningful, heartbreaking, sweet, exciting, funny, confusing... what can't a dream be? Dreams-- they can also be reminders of the past; of what once was, and what might have been.
They say that you never do forget your First Love. It's one of those memories that stick with you, like a recurring dream, of a time long ago when you thought you had everything you could ever want in another person. When you thought you'd spend the rest of your lives together, and back then, just that simple thought made you insanely happy.
I had a dream last night, one that reminded me of that First Love. It made me realize that the person I had always thought was my First Love... wasn't. It was someone else the entire time, and I just had never noticed it before.
I once made a blog post about who I originally thought was my First Love. A boy named Charles. I had been head over heels for this boy, and it made no sense to anyone. Charles had been abusive-- mentally, emotionally, and physically-- and by the time he had finally left my life, I wanted karma to give him exactly what he deserved. I could look back and see the feelings I once had for him, but never again could I look back fondly; I only remembered kicking myself for not seeing his issues sooner. For letting him take advantage of me the way he did.
Then there was Kenny. This guy... Oh, this guy. He was handsome, funny, caring, sweet, friendly, NOT abusive, my dad liked him, he was more than willing to help my dad with work around the house, he stood behind me in whatever hobbies I had and encouraged me to continue with them, and he never EVER tried to push me to do anything I didn't want to do.
I ended up liking Charles and Kenny around the same time, and I think that's what confused me. I remember one summer, after school let out, I hadn't stayed in touch with any of my friends. Halfway through summer, there's a knock at the door. It's both Charles AND Kenny (they were best friends) and they were both hurt that I didn't call, I didn't visit... haha, I still can't believe they both showed up. I should have seen right then that they both liked me... But I didn't. Since they were best friends, who both liked the same girl, there was a lot of drama and mind games flying around. Kenny asked me out first, though Charles somehow managed to convince me that Kenny didn't like me as much, and that Kenny begged for the chance to date me first because, as Charles explained, Kenny knew I would be better off with Charles and just wanted the memories of knowing he had dated a girl he liked. Which of course, all turned out to be part of the mind games.
In the end, I hurt Kenny and Charles hurt me. And Neither have ever let me forget that. Charles, although out of my life for almost 8 years now, gave me a horrifying memory that I'm sure will haunt me for many more years to come. Kenny, who has only been out of my life for 5 years, had always reminded me every time we talked about how much I hurt him, and how he cared about me and I abandoned him for his best friend, and then broke up him and his girlfriend after that by informing her that he had kissed HER best friend! So much high school drama... I am SO thankful to be out of all that, and married to a wonderful man who I DIDN'T know in high school. I'm not sure why, but not knowing him back then is part of what makes my husband even more amazing.
I am married now, with two children, living a very fulfilling life out in Texas. I don't really look back at the past, because there is nothing for me except for life lessons that I have already gleaned knowledge from. Sometimes it's fun to revisit the past, such as favorite childhood memories or family vacations. I don't usually think back to high school very deeply, because there is a lot I feel I could have done better during those years. And it doesn't help to know that I do regret treating Kenny the way I did, and that if I had it all to do over, I think I would have given Kenny the chance he truly deserved with as much love as I realize I had for him.
I know that the only reason this came into my mind is because I'm planning a trip to Florida very soon, in the next month. I'm going to see my family, and if all goes well, I'll even be able to see a few of my girlfriends from high school, most especially my best friend who I have known since first grade, Shannon. The reason Kenny popped into my dream is because I'm terrified that he will somehow know I'll be there, and that he will somehow find me and show up. Which is ridiculous...he joined the Navy around the same time I did, and last I heard (well, a few years ago) he was off in some other state, still in service.
I don't love him anymore. Not really. You never do forget your first love; I know he will probably be a regret I have for the rest of my life, and some part of me will always love him, but he is a part of my past that I am more than happy to leave in the past. I will probably never see him again, and I'm perfectly fine with that. I think some things are best left as memories. I want to remember him as that sweet boy from high school, and I know that meeting him ever again will more than likely change that. Whether for better or worse I don't know, and I don't care to find out. It wouldn't be too bad to see him at a high school reunion one day, and see that he had gotten out of shape, went bald, lost his teeth, and works at McDonalds. I mean, just for the sake of losing my past regrets. But in the end, I have moved on, and for the better.
I married the most wonderful man. We have the most beautiful children. We live in the most amazing place, out in the country, with the most stars I have ever seen in the sky. My life is far from perfect, but I wouldn't change a single thing about it. Every choice and mistake I made in my life has all come together to bring me to where I am today; it has all made me who I am; it has shaped my future in a way I'm very much looking forward to.
I just found it interesting that I had this epiphany, about a lost love in my teenage years, and discovered through a dream told to me by my subconscious. Just a manifestation of my fears and anxiety about going back to the town of my childhood.
Do you remember your First Love? Are your memories positive or negative? Happy or sad? When you remember them, are you satisfied or filled with regret? Are you overwhelmed with a flood of emotion, or have you moved on?
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