Another year is about to pass. It's usually around this time that I start thinking about a resolution.
Most New Year's resolutions are either impractical, or reach too high to ever succeed. I always look to set a goal that will benefit me in more ways than one, and often times goals that will benefit others. This year, I will be selfish... I strive to make myself a better person. I want to use the knowledge of my past to put life lessons into practice. I want to make drastic changes that are gradual enough to achieve. I want those I care about--and who care about me--to know that I have heard them; that their advice and compliments and deep conversations were not lost on me.
To achieve these ends I shall declare three resolutions in lieu of one. One goal for my body physically, to become healthier and more active. One goal for my heart emotionally, to regain precious self esteem and confidence. One goal for my mind spiritually, to expand my knowledge and fill a void.
1. Physically. My goal here is in two parts... to drink a glass of water every day, and to perform some measure of exercise each day. This can be for 5 minutes or an hour, however much I feel like that day. Every small bit is a step more than I otherwise would have taken, which benefits me in the end. Naturally, I hope to lose weight and fit back into a smaller size, but the goal is health, and any weight loss is just a bonus.
2. Emotionally. At least once a week, I will look into a mirror and remember what has been told to me over the years--the compliments and arguements for my self worth. Each time I do this, I will write one down and reflect on it, and try to see what they see. Then I will link them together and hang them somewhere I can see them every day. I need to learn to look past the flaws they never saw, through the scars they couldn't see, and accept myself for who I am... love myself for who I am.
There are a few specific people throughout my life who have inspired this goal, whose love fought against my strong-willed doubt. I dont want that to have been in vain. Two of these people I have lost this year; the boy who gave me the world, and the man who made me feel like I was the only person in his world. They showed me I am special, and I am beautiful, and I am not worthless. That I was thought of every day, that someone can get lost in my smile (and tell the difference in my smiles), that talking to me can make someone's day better, and even that in their eyes, hey, One Direction wrote a song about me.
My hubby has been trying to get me to see these things for years. After this long, its about time I give myself a real chance to accept these things.
3. Spiritually. Throughout the year, I want to study Wicca and complete my study of the Major Arcana in my Tarot deck. I have never allowed myself to connect to anything or anyone on a spiritual level, but I have noticed that when I study my cards, I feel calm and hopeful. Spirituality is an area in my mind that I have avoided, but I'm reaching the age where I no longer care what people think about my choice of Faith, and I will walk any path along which I am comfortable. Wicca is the closest to my personal beliefs, and I am interested in furthering my understanding of Wiccan ways.
If I can follow these three goals throughout the year, my hope is that I will be healthier, I will accept myself, and I will have something to help guide me. Only one of these will change my daily habits--and that is the exercise. Granted, the water is daily as well, but getting a drink each day is already habit... I simply must make the choice to drink water. Even if I fall behind a bit, as long as I do my best, I will still be on the right path. ♥
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
Kid Karma: TV and Imaginary Bridges
Well, it's happening again. My kids are paying me back for my childhood.
Today, as I'm sitting in my chair crocheting, I have passed the Wii remote to my four year old so he can have control of Netflix for a while. The boys have their own profile, set up for kids, so I dont have to worry about them watching any adult shows. Unfortunately, it doesnt filter out the shows with no educational value whatsoever.
I'm reminded of my own childhood, every time my parents told me to turn off some stupid show, or made fun of what I was watching, or just flat out disapproved. As my son jumps up and down on the couch cheering for "Codename: Kids Next Door"--a show I used to watch as a kid--I realize just how bad of an influence the show is. They encourage kids to ignore and disrespect adults, throw things at them, refuse vegetables, live off candy and sodas, and disregard all responsibility or thought for their future. It really makes me miss Tad's annoying voice on Leapfrog shows. At least those are actually educational.
I really would love to take a moment to throw this out there... Leapfrog movies and games are AMAZING. Thanks to the Leapfrog movies, my kids (ages 2 and 4) both know their alphabet, the sounds each letter makes, which letters are vowels, their numbers up to 20, and their shapes. I highly recommend Leapfrog to anyone, the movies arent very long and they can hold kids' attention spans longer than most shows. My kids are ready for school, and my oldest still has half a year before he starts.
The past week, Kid Karma has been kicking me in the lower back, too. That is, my back hurts from constantly bending over to clean up and refold my husband's work pants. My kids seem to think my bedroom floor shouldnt be stepped on, and the only way to get around in the room is to build a bridge. Every time I ask my oldest why the pants are all over the floor, the answer is the same... "we built a bridge mommy."
They are driving me crazy, and I'm sick of picking up the same pairs of pants every day, if not two to three times a day. But the imaginary apple doesnt fall far from the tree... when I was a kid, I used to line my mom's books and VHS tapes along the floor to avoid falling in the lava (i.e. stepping on the carpet). I used to get into so much trouble for that... but I still never listened. So I know what is going through my kids' heads, and no amount of punishment is stopping them. I just have to keep trying, and wait till they grow out of it.
Mom, dad, I am SO sorry for every idiotic useless show I watched that did nothing but rot my brain. I am sooooo sorry for every time I walked across your books and movies. Part of me wants to be defensive and say that it's your fault you had a lava floor... haha, but I know I should have used something less breakable. Like pillows.
Karma always comes back around, kids... next time you dont listen to your parents, just you wait! Your kids will show you how it feels soon enough.
Today, as I'm sitting in my chair crocheting, I have passed the Wii remote to my four year old so he can have control of Netflix for a while. The boys have their own profile, set up for kids, so I dont have to worry about them watching any adult shows. Unfortunately, it doesnt filter out the shows with no educational value whatsoever.
I'm reminded of my own childhood, every time my parents told me to turn off some stupid show, or made fun of what I was watching, or just flat out disapproved. As my son jumps up and down on the couch cheering for "Codename: Kids Next Door"--a show I used to watch as a kid--I realize just how bad of an influence the show is. They encourage kids to ignore and disrespect adults, throw things at them, refuse vegetables, live off candy and sodas, and disregard all responsibility or thought for their future. It really makes me miss Tad's annoying voice on Leapfrog shows. At least those are actually educational.
I really would love to take a moment to throw this out there... Leapfrog movies and games are AMAZING. Thanks to the Leapfrog movies, my kids (ages 2 and 4) both know their alphabet, the sounds each letter makes, which letters are vowels, their numbers up to 20, and their shapes. I highly recommend Leapfrog to anyone, the movies arent very long and they can hold kids' attention spans longer than most shows. My kids are ready for school, and my oldest still has half a year before he starts.
The past week, Kid Karma has been kicking me in the lower back, too. That is, my back hurts from constantly bending over to clean up and refold my husband's work pants. My kids seem to think my bedroom floor shouldnt be stepped on, and the only way to get around in the room is to build a bridge. Every time I ask my oldest why the pants are all over the floor, the answer is the same... "we built a bridge mommy."
They are driving me crazy, and I'm sick of picking up the same pairs of pants every day, if not two to three times a day. But the imaginary apple doesnt fall far from the tree... when I was a kid, I used to line my mom's books and VHS tapes along the floor to avoid falling in the lava (i.e. stepping on the carpet). I used to get into so much trouble for that... but I still never listened. So I know what is going through my kids' heads, and no amount of punishment is stopping them. I just have to keep trying, and wait till they grow out of it.
Mom, dad, I am SO sorry for every idiotic useless show I watched that did nothing but rot my brain. I am sooooo sorry for every time I walked across your books and movies. Part of me wants to be defensive and say that it's your fault you had a lava floor... haha, but I know I should have used something less breakable. Like pillows.
Karma always comes back around, kids... next time you dont listen to your parents, just you wait! Your kids will show you how it feels soon enough.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
My Winter Habits
Every winter, I get into a very confusing state of activity. It's the time of year where I get the urge to be active and the desire to be lazy simultaneously. Lady Winter, she comes... and she's-a comin' in fast! So it's time for me to start figuring out what sort of habits to set into motion.
Our house doesn't have central heating. So on cold winter mornings, I need to get up early (or at least, before the kids are up, and preferably a half an hour before I'm even up, if that were possible! haha) and get a fire started in the woodstove to heat the house. Of course, as much as I'd love to do so, I'd also love to sleep in past noon. I don't have anywhere to be anyways, except maybe once a month.
I have this eating habit, where during the hot months I don't get hungry at all, and during the winter months I'm consistently hungry throughout the day. It's not healthy, and most of the time it's subconscious, and I don't realize I'm doing it.
I think I can safely lay some of the blame for my winter eating on the television; there's not much else to do when it's too cold to go outside, so we tend to group up in the living room (near the wood stove) and surf through Netflix and our overflowing movie shelves.
As much time as you'd think I'd have in winter, I should be getting more writing done in my book. I can never seem to focus enough--especially while chasing down active kids and cleaning the house--and always remind myself that there is no rush. It doesn't change the fact that my book isn't going to write itself, but I know I'll have a little time here and there to pick it up and get a few pages done.
Then I have my games. I love my tablet, and it has a lot of useful apps including internet, camera, calendar, and notepad... but it also has a lot of fun games. Now, I'm not going to list ALL my favorite games, but I will tell you the ones I'm currently obsessed with. They are TeamLava games: Bakery Story, Restaurant Story, and Dragon Story. In the first two you run a bakery and a restaurant, designing them and preparing food for your customers, and in the last one you own a chain of islands and raise and breed dragons. Cute little games for sure (and if anyone picks them up, feel free to add me on any of them, my ID is CrystalHPK).
I also get caught up baking. Running the oven is a great way to heat the kitchen, and with my winter hunger, there are a lot of new recipes I like to play with. This winter might be a good time to type up all the recipes I've added throughout the year and file them into my cookbook (my grandmother made it for me when I got my own kitchen, and I'd like to keep it organized).
Between the cooking and the eating and the oversleeping, it's a good thing that I also get the winter urge to work out! I have an exercise bike and an elliptical, and last winter I used the two of them to work off 30 lbs! It's no secret that over summer (and with the return of my depression) I gained a little weight back. Nothing more than I've weighed before, but enough to be discouraging. So I'm excited to get back into my workouts and get things moving again (and the pants size dropping again!).
I've happily decided to combine some of these things to allow for all of my winter habits. Whenever I am watching TV or playing my tablet games, I will be on a workout machine. It's too easy for me to sit on the couch and get lost in my games for hours at a time, so this way I will be productive during the times when I am being lazy. ;)
Of course, there will be a few things I can't do while I work out, like my Italian lessons or studying my tarot cards. Those require full focus and attention, and preferably a flat stationary surface. But this is a great start, and it's not much of a lifestyle change, so I don't feel like I'm taking on too much at once, and it helps alleviate the guilt I feel at my lack of physical activity. Mainly since there's not going to be a lack anymore. ^_^
Well, those are my plans anyways. What are some of your winter habits? Are there any changes you'd like to make?
Our house doesn't have central heating. So on cold winter mornings, I need to get up early (or at least, before the kids are up, and preferably a half an hour before I'm even up, if that were possible! haha) and get a fire started in the woodstove to heat the house. Of course, as much as I'd love to do so, I'd also love to sleep in past noon. I don't have anywhere to be anyways, except maybe once a month.
I have this eating habit, where during the hot months I don't get hungry at all, and during the winter months I'm consistently hungry throughout the day. It's not healthy, and most of the time it's subconscious, and I don't realize I'm doing it.
I think I can safely lay some of the blame for my winter eating on the television; there's not much else to do when it's too cold to go outside, so we tend to group up in the living room (near the wood stove) and surf through Netflix and our overflowing movie shelves.
As much time as you'd think I'd have in winter, I should be getting more writing done in my book. I can never seem to focus enough--especially while chasing down active kids and cleaning the house--and always remind myself that there is no rush. It doesn't change the fact that my book isn't going to write itself, but I know I'll have a little time here and there to pick it up and get a few pages done.
Then I have my games. I love my tablet, and it has a lot of useful apps including internet, camera, calendar, and notepad... but it also has a lot of fun games. Now, I'm not going to list ALL my favorite games, but I will tell you the ones I'm currently obsessed with. They are TeamLava games: Bakery Story, Restaurant Story, and Dragon Story. In the first two you run a bakery and a restaurant, designing them and preparing food for your customers, and in the last one you own a chain of islands and raise and breed dragons. Cute little games for sure (and if anyone picks them up, feel free to add me on any of them, my ID is CrystalHPK).
I also get caught up baking. Running the oven is a great way to heat the kitchen, and with my winter hunger, there are a lot of new recipes I like to play with. This winter might be a good time to type up all the recipes I've added throughout the year and file them into my cookbook (my grandmother made it for me when I got my own kitchen, and I'd like to keep it organized).
Between the cooking and the eating and the oversleeping, it's a good thing that I also get the winter urge to work out! I have an exercise bike and an elliptical, and last winter I used the two of them to work off 30 lbs! It's no secret that over summer (and with the return of my depression) I gained a little weight back. Nothing more than I've weighed before, but enough to be discouraging. So I'm excited to get back into my workouts and get things moving again (and the pants size dropping again!).
I've happily decided to combine some of these things to allow for all of my winter habits. Whenever I am watching TV or playing my tablet games, I will be on a workout machine. It's too easy for me to sit on the couch and get lost in my games for hours at a time, so this way I will be productive during the times when I am being lazy. ;)
Of course, there will be a few things I can't do while I work out, like my Italian lessons or studying my tarot cards. Those require full focus and attention, and preferably a flat stationary surface. But this is a great start, and it's not much of a lifestyle change, so I don't feel like I'm taking on too much at once, and it helps alleviate the guilt I feel at my lack of physical activity. Mainly since there's not going to be a lack anymore. ^_^
Well, those are my plans anyways. What are some of your winter habits? Are there any changes you'd like to make?
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
In Loving Memory of Terry Martin
November. They say this is a month of giving, and of being thankful for what we have. For me, this is also a month of remembrance.
On Sunday, I lost someone very dear to me due to complications with diabetes. It was my friend Terry Martin. I've been having a hard time accepting it, and I'd imagine I'm not the only one. But I have something that no one else has... I have my memories.
Terry was one of my best friends. He has been there for me since childhood when our parents worked together, and we grew up side by side. We attended the same middle school, the same high school, and even worked together at K-Mart. Our lifelong friendship extended beyond school and into "real life", and even stretched across the country when I joined the military, got married, and moved to Texas. No matter how far apart we were physically, he was always in my heart and I knew I was always in his.
I started this post Monday morning. I knew that I would write it, but I didn't think it would be so hard. This is for him, and I want to get the words right... but I know he always understood what I was trying to say even when I couldn't explain. This will most likely be one of those times.
It's funny what we remember after someone is gone; the littlest things suddenly seem so big, and nothing goes in order any more. But I don't suppose you can organize things like this... your mind and heart have their own method to the madness, and all you can do is enjoy the ride. This was my ride, and so some of it might seem trivial or selfish, but it mattered to me, and that's all that really matters at all.
For me, this ride begins on a schoolbus to Colonial High School. You see, with both of the people I thought I'd know forever, we grew up together and our parents were friends, but the memories with them both begin in high school. It's like, we rediscover each other and form our own bonds before our parents remind us that we aren't coming together, but that we are reuniting after a while apart. I look forward to our next reunion, because I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. A lifetime's worth.
I just need to take a second here to catch myself; sometimes when I think about how much longer my life might still be--that I hope it might still be--I become afraid that I might forget him. The fear doesn't last long though, because I know I could never forget someone who had such an impact on my life.
Anyways, the bus. He used to ride the same bus as I did, when he lived down the street. He would sit near the front with our friend Renee. They were the nerdiest, geekiest people on that bus... which naturally made them the only people worth talking to. Terry was part of what I looked forward to on the bus rides, because after a day of getting teased and picked on at school, I could always count on Terry to treat me like a normal person. I mean, sure, he teased me too... but always nicely, and he always made me laugh. Ah, nerds. Terry was the first computer "hacker" I knew--he could solve any technical issue and find anything on the internet. And if it didn't exist, he'd turn up with something even better. Before my brother picked up computers, Terry was my go-to-guy for anything virtual, and he taught me most of the computer skills I carry with me today, including DOSBOX and how to get torrents and what to do with an ISO.
Terry and I hung out in almost the same group in school, too. Though he would often wander the campus with some of his friends during the lunch hour (Bailey being the one he spent most of his time with), I typically stayed in one area, with the outcast nerds, (sadly) the perverted virgins, and the girls who might not have been cheerleaders or dance captains, but they were the sweetest people you'd ever meet and worth more time than I gave them. Terry and his friends would wander over to our area and hang out with us a few times a week. High school is funny that way... you get so caught up in the drama you try to avoid, that you end up creating even more drama. Terry and I had our own WORLD of drama... but hardly anyone else ever saw it unless they were really looking.
Terry loved me. So much. He told me so in high school, and that feeling never once seemed to ebb. Even when I dated idiots who treated me less than he would have, even when I got married, and even when my life had progressed beyond any hope that I would be with him. He still loved me, and always let me know that it didn't matter, because the only thing he cared about was my happiness. If I had that, then he said he could live without me. And I can't even begin to express the pain that caused me in itself, because for years I struggled with the idea of being with him, and every time I just couldn't commit to anything because he was too good of a friend, too good of a person to waste on someone like me, and because somehow my mind had securely locked him in the friendzone. How often do you hear about that happening?! I never knew it could until I felt it myself. That feeling when you know for a FACT that someone is the best match for you, and that no one in the world would ever treat you as good as they will... but no matter how much you love them, you just dont feel it the way they want you to.
Oh, but I loved him so. And I can't imagine he knew just how deeply. It might not have been the way a wife loves a husband, or even the way a sister loves a brother. It was just there, like it was meant to be. I know we weren't the only ones who saw it either. Twice (at least) I remember my dad suggesting Terry as a boyfriend, asking why not when I said no. Sorry dad, it's hard enough to explain even now, how could I have explained as a teenager?
The memories surpassed all drama. In the end, for me, nothing else matters but the incredible memories that--although they might seem like nothing--helped shape me into who I am, and it's because of Terry that I had a strong foundation to build self esteem on. I still lack in that department, but the foundation is there all the same.
Terry and I fit together better than peanut butter and jelly. One year, as a Valentine's Day fundraiser event, the school put out a compatibility test. Take the test, submit your answers, and on Valentine's Day, you could pay $2 to get your results. Not surprisingly, Terry and I were 98% perfect for each other. Even the best couples in school weren't that compatible! At one point I remember going through his iPod in his truck, while we were headed to Waterford Lakes, and being completely floored by the similarity to my own iPod. It might not seem important, but I know for a fact that the music on my iPod is so random and completely mixed up, between genres, years, artists, beats... no one in their right mind listens to that exact same variety of those exact same songs and types... no one, that is, except Terry. Even the most obscure songs that I think no one else even remembers or has ever heard... but if they are on my iPod, I could always say with 99% surety that they were also on his.
Looking back, I think he was better for me than I ever was for him. When I got a cell phone, Terry would text "Good morning, beautiful." Every day. When we worked together at K-Mart, when I would go on break or if I got there early, I would hang out around him until I had to work. If we were on break at the same time we'd hang out in the breakroom, and on days that I didn't feel well he would let me curl up in his lap and try to rest until break was over. I remember so many times when he would bring a gallon of water with him, because as he would say, "A gallon is only like 62 cents, and a 16 oz bottle is like 1.19... fuck that, I'm buying the gallon!" [Insert amused chuckle here.] I didn't go out much in high school, or even when I would visit after joining the Navy. But when I did, I never felt safer than the times I'd climb up into his truck. We went to McDonald's once. I honestly don't know why that sticks in my head, since I don't remember anything else from that day. We went to Waterford Lakes a few times, too. Mostly with friends. One time, we were walking through Target and I mentioned the Jelly Belly section (an entire row dedicated to individual dispensers of each flavor of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans, where you could fill a bag with whatever flavors you wanted) and Terry went and bought me a HUGE bag. He was so sweet. Even when he was angry, it was sweet. A year or so ago, I blogged about a very traumatizing assault I suffered at the hands of an ex-boyfriend during high school. Terry texted me the following day, and his anger was obvious even through a simple text. He said that if he had known at the time what Charles had done, he would have killed him. I honestly don't know if he really could have hurt anyone, but just to see him say that made me feel cared for.
I have to thank him for my selfesteem. I don't have much, but what little I have was built on his love and encouragement. He would give me this look whenever I'd put myself down, a look that seemed to combine "don't ever say that again" with "you're crazy if you think that." Somehow I think it's because of these conversations that I now say "you're crazy" (in a loving way) to people who give me compliments. He made sure I knew that he thought I was beautiful, he told me he loved me all the time, and would tell me all the things he thought I deserved. He was definitely crazy... but because of the years he spent trying to convince me I was worth something, I can look into a mirror and begin to accept who I am, and some days I even think I'm pretty. It might sound conceited or self centered, but the idea that I'm not worthless began with him. As I said, it was the foundation my esteem builds on, and it's all thanks to him.
I still kick myself sometimes for not being with him. Mostly because I know it hurt him. No matter how much I loved him, and regardless of how many times I'd tell him that, it never changed the fact that I didn't feel the same way. I can't even describe how many nights I cried because I thought I'd never find someone as wonderful as he was, and why my heart wouldn't allow itself to feel more. That old George Strait song, You Can't Make A Heart Love Somebody, made me cry every time it came on. My cousin even tried to help me, telling me once to just go give him a hug, then to just kiss him and see where it led me. I never could get past that hug. *sigh* What's worse, is that--I believe it was right after I got married--Terry got a tattoo on his chest of a broken heart. It wasn't hard to put two and two together. I'll tell you one thing, nothing in the world makes you feel like more of a bitch than the day you realize your best friend has a broken heart, and it was your own happiness that did it. But even so, it's a pain I could not have avoided, because I would have married my husband again and again if I could do it over.
Despite the sad story that shadowed our friendship, it was a strong and fierce bond that even death cannot break. We didn't always stay in touch as often as I would have liked, but that was my fault. The time between correspondences hardly seemed to matter at all, because when we did talk again it was as if it was just a day later, and we always picked up right where we left off.
There is one memory, however... the defining moment of our friendship, that in my eyes summed up everything he was and everything he would have been. And it is on this memory that I'd like to end, because it is the strongest, it is my favorite, and it is one of my top ten most cherished memories of my entire life.
It was an ordinary night in high school. As always on the weekends, I was walled up in my room with my laptop, staying up all hours of the night on my then-favorite websites (Neopets, Gaiaonline, and always with my AIM [messenger] window up). Terry and I often chatted throughout the night, though looking back we talked so much that I'm surprised we ever had anything to talk about! On this night, I don't remember if we had been talking about travel, or places we'd like to see, but he told me he had something to show me. He sent me a webaddress, and told me to go there and download it. It was a link to Google Earth. Now, it's changed a bit in the past 10 years, but the basis is still the same: download the program, and you have a virtual globe of the Earth that is comprised of real satellite images taken within 6 months, and you could zoom in close enough to see your house. It's an amazing program even today, so you can imagine how incredible it seemed when it first came out!
So I download this program, and through AIM Terry guides me to specific locations. We visited the Great Pyramids of Egypt and the Sphinx. We saw the Eiffle Tower, and Stonehenge. We went to my house, then his. Easter Island. Ground Zero in New York. The middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Italy. China. Japan. We started going to random places and showing each other with the latitude and longitude. After a few hours we realized we had spent all night traveling together without ever leaving home. Laughing together, sharing in the excitement and wonder of seeing the world. When we finally went to bed, I laid there for almost another hour, just thinking. I know in part I was just caught up in the moment, and maybe it was because I was pretty geeky too, but I had also mentioned it to him earlier during our exploration. Terry had just given me the world. He knew what he did, and how sweet it was. But he wasn't thinking of that. He only thought that it would make me happy.
That was just who he was. The perfect summation of a classic Hollywood love story, but real and full of such sweet sorrow. Shakespeare barely comes close to inciting the range of emotion he could have had if he had known Terry. I'm so grateful to have known him, and he will always remain in my heart as my best friend, my inspiration, and the boy who loved me and gave me the world. ♥
On Sunday, I lost someone very dear to me due to complications with diabetes. It was my friend Terry Martin. I've been having a hard time accepting it, and I'd imagine I'm not the only one. But I have something that no one else has... I have my memories.
 |
| Terry and his Mom |
Terry was one of my best friends. He has been there for me since childhood when our parents worked together, and we grew up side by side. We attended the same middle school, the same high school, and even worked together at K-Mart. Our lifelong friendship extended beyond school and into "real life", and even stretched across the country when I joined the military, got married, and moved to Texas. No matter how far apart we were physically, he was always in my heart and I knew I was always in his.
I started this post Monday morning. I knew that I would write it, but I didn't think it would be so hard. This is for him, and I want to get the words right... but I know he always understood what I was trying to say even when I couldn't explain. This will most likely be one of those times.
It's funny what we remember after someone is gone; the littlest things suddenly seem so big, and nothing goes in order any more. But I don't suppose you can organize things like this... your mind and heart have their own method to the madness, and all you can do is enjoy the ride. This was my ride, and so some of it might seem trivial or selfish, but it mattered to me, and that's all that really matters at all.
For me, this ride begins on a schoolbus to Colonial High School. You see, with both of the people I thought I'd know forever, we grew up together and our parents were friends, but the memories with them both begin in high school. It's like, we rediscover each other and form our own bonds before our parents remind us that we aren't coming together, but that we are reuniting after a while apart. I look forward to our next reunion, because I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. A lifetime's worth.
I just need to take a second here to catch myself; sometimes when I think about how much longer my life might still be--that I hope it might still be--I become afraid that I might forget him. The fear doesn't last long though, because I know I could never forget someone who had such an impact on my life.
Anyways, the bus. He used to ride the same bus as I did, when he lived down the street. He would sit near the front with our friend Renee. They were the nerdiest, geekiest people on that bus... which naturally made them the only people worth talking to. Terry was part of what I looked forward to on the bus rides, because after a day of getting teased and picked on at school, I could always count on Terry to treat me like a normal person. I mean, sure, he teased me too... but always nicely, and he always made me laugh. Ah, nerds. Terry was the first computer "hacker" I knew--he could solve any technical issue and find anything on the internet. And if it didn't exist, he'd turn up with something even better. Before my brother picked up computers, Terry was my go-to-guy for anything virtual, and he taught me most of the computer skills I carry with me today, including DOSBOX and how to get torrents and what to do with an ISO.
Terry and I hung out in almost the same group in school, too. Though he would often wander the campus with some of his friends during the lunch hour (Bailey being the one he spent most of his time with), I typically stayed in one area, with the outcast nerds, (sadly) the perverted virgins, and the girls who might not have been cheerleaders or dance captains, but they were the sweetest people you'd ever meet and worth more time than I gave them. Terry and his friends would wander over to our area and hang out with us a few times a week. High school is funny that way... you get so caught up in the drama you try to avoid, that you end up creating even more drama. Terry and I had our own WORLD of drama... but hardly anyone else ever saw it unless they were really looking.
Terry loved me. So much. He told me so in high school, and that feeling never once seemed to ebb. Even when I dated idiots who treated me less than he would have, even when I got married, and even when my life had progressed beyond any hope that I would be with him. He still loved me, and always let me know that it didn't matter, because the only thing he cared about was my happiness. If I had that, then he said he could live without me. And I can't even begin to express the pain that caused me in itself, because for years I struggled with the idea of being with him, and every time I just couldn't commit to anything because he was too good of a friend, too good of a person to waste on someone like me, and because somehow my mind had securely locked him in the friendzone. How often do you hear about that happening?! I never knew it could until I felt it myself. That feeling when you know for a FACT that someone is the best match for you, and that no one in the world would ever treat you as good as they will... but no matter how much you love them, you just dont feel it the way they want you to.
Oh, but I loved him so. And I can't imagine he knew just how deeply. It might not have been the way a wife loves a husband, or even the way a sister loves a brother. It was just there, like it was meant to be. I know we weren't the only ones who saw it either. Twice (at least) I remember my dad suggesting Terry as a boyfriend, asking why not when I said no. Sorry dad, it's hard enough to explain even now, how could I have explained as a teenager?
The memories surpassed all drama. In the end, for me, nothing else matters but the incredible memories that--although they might seem like nothing--helped shape me into who I am, and it's because of Terry that I had a strong foundation to build self esteem on. I still lack in that department, but the foundation is there all the same.
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| Terry's High School Yearbook Photo, 11th Grade I think. |
Terry and I fit together better than peanut butter and jelly. One year, as a Valentine's Day fundraiser event, the school put out a compatibility test. Take the test, submit your answers, and on Valentine's Day, you could pay $2 to get your results. Not surprisingly, Terry and I were 98% perfect for each other. Even the best couples in school weren't that compatible! At one point I remember going through his iPod in his truck, while we were headed to Waterford Lakes, and being completely floored by the similarity to my own iPod. It might not seem important, but I know for a fact that the music on my iPod is so random and completely mixed up, between genres, years, artists, beats... no one in their right mind listens to that exact same variety of those exact same songs and types... no one, that is, except Terry. Even the most obscure songs that I think no one else even remembers or has ever heard... but if they are on my iPod, I could always say with 99% surety that they were also on his.
Looking back, I think he was better for me than I ever was for him. When I got a cell phone, Terry would text "Good morning, beautiful." Every day. When we worked together at K-Mart, when I would go on break or if I got there early, I would hang out around him until I had to work. If we were on break at the same time we'd hang out in the breakroom, and on days that I didn't feel well he would let me curl up in his lap and try to rest until break was over. I remember so many times when he would bring a gallon of water with him, because as he would say, "A gallon is only like 62 cents, and a 16 oz bottle is like 1.19... fuck that, I'm buying the gallon!" [Insert amused chuckle here.] I didn't go out much in high school, or even when I would visit after joining the Navy. But when I did, I never felt safer than the times I'd climb up into his truck. We went to McDonald's once. I honestly don't know why that sticks in my head, since I don't remember anything else from that day. We went to Waterford Lakes a few times, too. Mostly with friends. One time, we were walking through Target and I mentioned the Jelly Belly section (an entire row dedicated to individual dispensers of each flavor of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans, where you could fill a bag with whatever flavors you wanted) and Terry went and bought me a HUGE bag. He was so sweet. Even when he was angry, it was sweet. A year or so ago, I blogged about a very traumatizing assault I suffered at the hands of an ex-boyfriend during high school. Terry texted me the following day, and his anger was obvious even through a simple text. He said that if he had known at the time what Charles had done, he would have killed him. I honestly don't know if he really could have hurt anyone, but just to see him say that made me feel cared for.
I have to thank him for my selfesteem. I don't have much, but what little I have was built on his love and encouragement. He would give me this look whenever I'd put myself down, a look that seemed to combine "don't ever say that again" with "you're crazy if you think that." Somehow I think it's because of these conversations that I now say "you're crazy" (in a loving way) to people who give me compliments. He made sure I knew that he thought I was beautiful, he told me he loved me all the time, and would tell me all the things he thought I deserved. He was definitely crazy... but because of the years he spent trying to convince me I was worth something, I can look into a mirror and begin to accept who I am, and some days I even think I'm pretty. It might sound conceited or self centered, but the idea that I'm not worthless began with him. As I said, it was the foundation my esteem builds on, and it's all thanks to him.
I still kick myself sometimes for not being with him. Mostly because I know it hurt him. No matter how much I loved him, and regardless of how many times I'd tell him that, it never changed the fact that I didn't feel the same way. I can't even describe how many nights I cried because I thought I'd never find someone as wonderful as he was, and why my heart wouldn't allow itself to feel more. That old George Strait song, You Can't Make A Heart Love Somebody, made me cry every time it came on. My cousin even tried to help me, telling me once to just go give him a hug, then to just kiss him and see where it led me. I never could get past that hug. *sigh* What's worse, is that--I believe it was right after I got married--Terry got a tattoo on his chest of a broken heart. It wasn't hard to put two and two together. I'll tell you one thing, nothing in the world makes you feel like more of a bitch than the day you realize your best friend has a broken heart, and it was your own happiness that did it. But even so, it's a pain I could not have avoided, because I would have married my husband again and again if I could do it over.
Despite the sad story that shadowed our friendship, it was a strong and fierce bond that even death cannot break. We didn't always stay in touch as often as I would have liked, but that was my fault. The time between correspondences hardly seemed to matter at all, because when we did talk again it was as if it was just a day later, and we always picked up right where we left off.
There is one memory, however... the defining moment of our friendship, that in my eyes summed up everything he was and everything he would have been. And it is on this memory that I'd like to end, because it is the strongest, it is my favorite, and it is one of my top ten most cherished memories of my entire life.
It was an ordinary night in high school. As always on the weekends, I was walled up in my room with my laptop, staying up all hours of the night on my then-favorite websites (Neopets, Gaiaonline, and always with my AIM [messenger] window up). Terry and I often chatted throughout the night, though looking back we talked so much that I'm surprised we ever had anything to talk about! On this night, I don't remember if we had been talking about travel, or places we'd like to see, but he told me he had something to show me. He sent me a webaddress, and told me to go there and download it. It was a link to Google Earth. Now, it's changed a bit in the past 10 years, but the basis is still the same: download the program, and you have a virtual globe of the Earth that is comprised of real satellite images taken within 6 months, and you could zoom in close enough to see your house. It's an amazing program even today, so you can imagine how incredible it seemed when it first came out!
So I download this program, and through AIM Terry guides me to specific locations. We visited the Great Pyramids of Egypt and the Sphinx. We saw the Eiffle Tower, and Stonehenge. We went to my house, then his. Easter Island. Ground Zero in New York. The middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Italy. China. Japan. We started going to random places and showing each other with the latitude and longitude. After a few hours we realized we had spent all night traveling together without ever leaving home. Laughing together, sharing in the excitement and wonder of seeing the world. When we finally went to bed, I laid there for almost another hour, just thinking. I know in part I was just caught up in the moment, and maybe it was because I was pretty geeky too, but I had also mentioned it to him earlier during our exploration. Terry had just given me the world. He knew what he did, and how sweet it was. But he wasn't thinking of that. He only thought that it would make me happy.
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