I have been on anti-depressants for over a month now. I'll be honest, I didn't know whether taking a pill twice a day could really help me at all. Being medicated, taking a drug that is meant to alter connections in my brain... not sure how great that sounds. But after the past month, I see now just how much I've needed that alteration.
If you didn't know or couldn't tell, I hadn't been the best wife or mother the past year or so. I'm not entirely sure where it really started, or how long my emotions were slowly spiraling downwards into depression. What I do know is that I was getting worse by the week, and my home life was suffering for it. After a few months of knowing I needed help, I finally made the call and set up an appointment with a therapist.
Therapy did help though. I was able to say everything that I was thinking and feeling, and not hold anything back. And a lot of the things I thought I was wrong about, turns out that they were perfectly normal reactions to the situation I was in. However, there was an issue with my energy levels and my lack of motivation, and so medication was brought into the equation. As I said, it has been a month. And let me just tell you, I didn't know I had gotten so bad.
Before my meds, I played my online game, World of Warcraft, ALL THE TIME. Nonstop. Woke up thinking about it, talked about it constantly, played it from noon to midnight, begged my husband to let me stay up to play it longer, dreamed about it, all my best friends were the players I knew online... it was bad. I didn't cook dinner anymore, except sometimes when my hubby yelled at me for it. I didn't understand why he couldnt just make it himself if he was that hungry. I didn't get my kids dressed every day, I let them just wear a diaper since it was warm enough anyways. My idea of keeping them happy and entertained was putting on a Disney movie. When my hubby's friends came over on weekends I would find an excuse to stay inside and play my game. I was angry when I couldn't play, and I was always upset. I was finding new sad meanings to my favorite music and had a hard time listening to the upbeat songs I usually loved. I never wanted to hang out, or go anywhere, yet I complained about how I was always alone with the kids and never got to do anything. I wanted to sleep in all day and the idea of getting up to do things just made me want to sleep longer. The kids were always up before me, and the only reason I got up in the mornings was because they would bring me a diaper or a cup. I put off tending to the garden or animals far too long, and it took the hubby yelling at me to get me to do it. And even then, it was only with half of the care I should have taken. I'm not sure how my hubby managed to put up with me, honestly. Or why my friends even bothered trying to get me to hang out. I would have given up on myself a long time ago.
But now...
Well, let's just say that I am a different person. Or... am I the person I used to be before depression dragged me down? I see a few similarities in how I used to be compared to how I am now, but for the most part I think I'm completely different from anything I've ever been.
Now, I get up at a normal time in the morning, often times before the kids are even up. I do the dishes and laundry and even pick up the house and sweep without complaining. I tend to my garden every day, and the animals are doing pretty well too. I spend more time with the kids and play with them, and even read to them at night before bed. When our friends are over, I go outside and hang out with them, I'm social and talkative and laugh much more. I no longer refer to them as "my husband's friends", but instead call them "my" friends or "our" friends. I have become much more comfortable with who I am and have even taken down some defensive walls, and am now more physical and playful than I was. Well... at least with my best friend. I'm still getting there with everyone, but I can already see that I'm more comfortable around them.
I am starting to do things that I used to enjoy again. I have occasionally picked up a book to read, I have thought about pulling out my yarn and what I would make if I did (I have a really cute idea for some crocheted dolls), and I've started listening to all of my music again-- the upbeat songs, the oldies, the rock, the foreign language songs, the weird techno, and the down home country. Every weekend I look forward to my friends coming over so we can play games and watch movies. I have been harvesting SO much from my garden, and learning how to do home canning. I have already made many jars of dill pickles, bread and butter pickles, squash pickles, and pickled squash relish. I am constantly begging to give away squash, cucumbers, cantaloupe... I am being overrun with fresh veggies! I'm excited to see what my garden has done each night, and what new things are growing. I have picked many pumpkins too, and have learned how to make my own pumpkin puree, which I have already turned into 10 loaves of homemade pumpkin bread! (It really is better with your own fresh pumpkin rather than a can from the store.) Today I am going to test out a recipe for pumpkin butter... yum!
I even did something else I thought I would never do. I quit playing World of Warcraft.
I didn't want to at first. The only reason I even did it at all is because I was starting my meds, and hubby had limited me down to playing only 2 nights a week. It just didn't seem worth it to play at all if I didn't have much time on it. So the day I started my pills was the first day I stopped playing. Sure, I've missed it. Sometimes I'll be folding laundry and I'll suddenly remember something I was in the middle of doing in the game. Or I'll be getting to know a friend better and suddenly think of how I was almost exalted with a faction in the game (highest reputation you can have). But I haven't touched it. One day, I'd like to play again. One day. But I know that I'm not ready yet. I'm still too open to addictions right now, after having dropped the biggest addiction ever without even slowly pulling back, but quitting straight up, cold turkey.
As a matter of fact, today is the first day since I've started my medication that I have spent the majority of my day on the computer. And the biggest reason for that is because I was writing this post. Part of it is also because my hubby is in the process of getting a new phone, and it should be here tomorrow, but until he gets it the only way I really have to get in touch with him at work is if he's on a short break and has time to check facebook. Since I don't know when that is, I just stay logged in and check the screen every five minutes.
I'm so proud of who I am right now. Not for how I am or what I'm doing, but for who I know I can be. Everyone I know tells me how different I am and how much better I am. It makes me feel even better still, to hear that. People actually want to be around me, and I don't hate myself quite as much as I did. Occasionally, I even put on some eyeliner and mascara. And the scale has begun to show lower numbers as well! I have lost 10 lbs and an inch off my waist in the past month. Which of course gives me the motivation to continue losing weight. Life just seems like it's looking up, and if something bad happens, it's okay, because we can get through it. I have the outlook on life that I have needed, and there is always a bright side to be seen, always a silver lining.
I love the new me... and I'm so glad to be back to normal. ♥
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