Top Ten: House Rules for Guests

When you have a country home located on a large amount of property, it's no surprise that your friends will want to use your house as "home base" for partying. When I say party, I'm not talking about tens of people you don't know roaming your halls, consuming $300 dollars worth of alcohol, spilling it everywhere, throwing and breaking your belongings, and having sex on your bed. I'm certainly not talking about a cozy little gathering sipping wine and nibbling cheese samples while playing a rousing game of "Trivial Pursuit". No, what I'm talking about is the same small group of friends, my husband's best friends (and by now I consider them to be my own friends as well). They usually come over every Friday night and stay through the weekend. Since it's just me and my husband out here with our two little boys, I look forward to having guests over so I can still claim to have an age-appropriate social life. The excitement of having them come over, however, has long since past. They are now coming over almost every day, and my house is not happy. So this week's Top Ten is dedicated to the guests; you can call this nagging, or you can call it venting; but when someone comes over to my house, these are the Top Ten Things you HAVE to do before you leave.




1. Cans, bottles, bottle caps, tabs, tops, and cups. Pick them up. When you are finished with a drink, if the container is disposable--dispose of it. If it needs to be washed, put it in the sink. I don't mind washing the dishes you use, but I DO mind picking them up from all over the house and yard. Don't flick or snap a bottle cap across the house, aiming to hit someone in friendly fire, then leave the cap where it lands. My two year old picks them up and puts them in his mouth, and Heaven help you the day he chokes on one.

2. Where you lie. If you stay the night, and you sleep in a bed, make the bed in the morning. If you sleep on the couch and pull out a bunch of blankets, fold them back up and put them where you found them when you wake up. I'm not your mother, I'm not your wife, I'm not your slave.

3. Guns and Ammo. Okay, this is probably the biggest, most important one... if you take a gun outside to shoot it, when you bring it back inside, dont leave it on the couch or leaning up against a wall. Put it back on the gun rack. Pick up any unused ammo, and put it back in the ammo case. You see, a two year old doesnt know what comes out of a barrel, or what happens when he pulls the trigger. A two year old doesnt know it's wrong to chew on the end of a shotgun shell. But you do. So PLEASE for his safety and my sanity, PICK THEM UP!

4. Grab an ashtray. No one that lives in this house smokes, but that doesnt mean you can't. If you want to smoke, it doesnt bother me. Just do it outside. And if you do smoke, grab an ashtray. Throw away your cigarette butts where my son can't get to them, because I recently caught him with something in his mouth, and it was the end of a cigarette. If that ever happens again, I will ban smoking on this property and you will have to go a 1/4 mile to get your fix.

5. Keep it down. During the day, you can be as loud and obnoxious as you please. After all, there's no one out here to hear you scream, so do it all you want. Just remember that at night, I have two little boys that need their sleep. So keep your "hootin' and hollarin'" to a dull roar, alright? If you wake them up, you best believe you will be the one sitting with them until they fall back asleep. I worked so hard to get them to fall asleep in the first place, and I would like the few minutes of peace I get in the evenings. I should not be forced to spend each night trying to keep the boys asleep, when it is a simple matter of using your inside voices.

6. Trash, dishes, tools... This should be the most obvious of them all. It's the lesson you should have been taught your entire life. PICK UP AFTER  YOURSELF. If you have trash, throw it away. If you use dishes, put them in the sink when you are done with them. If you used tools, or did anything in the house, pick it up when you are done with it. It's bad enough that I have to clean up after my son (until he learns to clean up after himself) but there is no reason why I should clean up after you, when you are perfectly capable of doing it yourself. My constant cleaning up after you is showing my son that I will clean up after him, too. I am not your maid. If I am, then I expect a paycheck each week. The day you hand me a check is the day I will stop complaining about your lack of cleanliness.

7. Give me a heads up. If you're staying here for an extended period of time, let me know the schedule ahead of time. I'd like to know that you are coming out in the first place, so I can plan meals for an extra person. I'm not asking for a week's notice, but at least let me know that morning or the day before. And when you're already out here, let me know if you have other plans for meals (so I dont cook extra) or if you plan to be somewhere else for a while. I need to know these things.

8. Be considerate of the lasts. If you want a snack or a drink, you know which cabinet I keep the junk food in, and you know where the drinks are in the back fridge. I have never had a problem with you raiding the kitchen; the food is there to be eaten, so eat it. But we paid for it with our hard earned money, so be considerate when there is only one of something left. We might want it. Ask us if you can finish it off, and don't get upset if we tell you no.

9. Empty boxes and full cans. I hate--let me be absolutely clear on this--HATE going to the fridge for a Coke and finding an empty box. There is no reason for a box to sit there in the fridge with nothing in it. It's hard to tell if we need to buy more of something if no one bothers to tell me the box is empty. If this doesnt stop soon, I will be forced to take them out of the boxes the moment I bring them home from the store, and it doesnt fit very well in the fridge that way; I rely on the boxes for stacking and structural purposes, to make them all fit. If I have to take them out of the boxes, then there will not be enough room in the fridge for your beer. So take your pick; would you rather have beer, or a frigde with no boxes? Because I will choose a fridge with no boxes. The worst part is finding an empty box in the fridge, and turning around to find full soda cans throughout the house. Full soda cans that were set down and forgotten about, and while you got a new soda, your original full Coke can is flat and will be wasted when I have to pour it down the drain. Finish a drink before you run off to get another one! In the end, I will either stop buying soda entirely, or you will have to show me your empty can before you can get a new one. Neither of us wants to do that, right?

10. Dont mock me. If you're here, and we're hanging out and having a good time, then you throw a can on the ground, you KNOW I'm going to tell you to pick it up and throw it away. I don't care if it was yours to begin with, you were the one that threw it. Don't argue with me, don't mock me, just pick it up and walk the 10 feet to the trash can. Don't laugh about my rules or make fun of me just because I want to keep a clean house! I'm not asking much; just listen to me when I ask you to do something and don't talk back. I have asked for a little common courtesy more times than I should have ever needed to. You are grown ups, you know better than this! What would your mother say if she found out that you have no manners or respect for my home, and that you constantly ignore my pleas for you to just pick up after yourself? Think about it; if you wouldn't do something in her house, then DONT DO IT IN MINE.

Honestly, I'm not asking much. I am just sick of playing housewife to everyone that comes over. I have one simple request: respect me and my house. I'm tired of yelling, I'm tired of repeating myself. I don't want to become one of those people that have so many rules that no one wants to hang out, but I don't want to become one of those people that gets walked all over either. I have two young boys that I have to take care of, and I shouldnt have to take care of grown men the same way. Key word: GROWN. How did you get past kindergarten without learning "clean up, clean up, everybody do your share"? Seriously.