Easy Fruit and Cheese Danish Recipe

I'm a huge fan of quick and easy breakfasts. And since I love a good cheese danish, this recipe made my day--now let it make yours. :)

Ingredients

• 1 roll crescent dough sheet
• 1 package (8 oz) cream cheese, softened
• 1 large egg
• 4 Tbsp powdered sugar
• 1/2 tsp lemon juice
• Fruit spread, preserves, or marmalade

Directions

Preheat the oven to 375°F.

Spread out the crescent dough on a sheet of parchment paper and roll it out. Cut 11-12 strips on either side of the dough, about 1/3 of the way across.

Combine the cheese, egg, sugar, and lemon juice in a medium bowl. Whisk until smooth.

Pour the cheese mixture down the center of the dough, reserving about 1/3 cup.

Alternate the strips across the cheese, creating a 'braid'.

Continue all the way down.

When you get to the end, fold the last few strips backwards across the braid.

Put this in the oven for 16-18 minutes or until golden brown. 

(I redid it and started my folds from the center out, just to make it prettier.)

Meanwhile, remember the extra cheese you reserved? Put it in a small pot and cook over medium heat, whisking often, for about 3 minutes to thicken it up. It should reach the consistency of spreadable frosting.

Remove from the oven. Isn't it pretty?

Top it with the spreadable cheese you cooked. It's ready to eat now, if you'd like, but it won't be too sweet.

Top with your choice of fresh fruit, preserves, jam, etc. The true sweetness of the danish comes from the topping.

Enjoy! It's best served warm. :)

Flooded

So here's how my day has been.

It's been raining constantly. The remnants of the hurricane are washing over us this Halloween, and it promises to be wet and windy. Now, if you're a returning visitor to my blog, you probably already know I'm from Florida. I practically grew up in a hurricane. So I knew what to expect. Except, I'm from Orlando, which is a little bit higher than, say, the coast. Flooding doesn't happen as much and most roads were still manageable (as far as I knew).

At first I thought, "So this is what a hurricane looks like in Texas. Not much different from a hurricane in Florida."

Then I drove. I drove on the interstate, through Waco, Marlin, Lott, and finally Troy, then went to pick up David from school. Turns out, flash flooding is a real thing. I got to see it firsthand. It's a scary thing. Always remember: TURN AROUND, DONT DROWN. I even got to put that into practice.

We're safe, don't worry--only problem is, our lake is overflowing so bad that we can't get home. :( I'm considering swimming and coming back with a canoe for David... lol. I'm kidding. We're gonna sit here on high ground by the gate and wait for the hubby. But damn. I've NEVER seen the lake this high. O.O

I should have known it'd get bad. Driving to Troy was similar to those adventure movies--you know the ones, where the dashing archaeologist has to escape a temple, but he's being chased by a boulder, poison darts are flying from the walls, and with every step he takes the ground crumbles beneath him, giving way to a bottomless chasm. Of course, he's always seconds ahead of certain death.

In real life, making it across at the last second doesn't happen nearly enough. And all too many people are willing to try. Which is why David and I are sitting here at the end of our driveway. The main gravel road is completely flooded out, and I almost didn't even get this far. It's scary knowing the only three roads to my house are all gravel roads and they all have the potential to be impassable, all at the same time.

Unfortunately, the lake is overflowing so much that it is literally one foot from overtaking the entire driveway. This is one insane adventure. And it's not over yet. As soon as my hubby gets home, we can intellectually configure our way to the house, even if it requires my brother with a canoe! :P

On the bright side, my new thermos has kept my pumpkin spice coffee perfectly hot this entire time. It's been 3 hours and it's just as hot as when I brewed it! Good investment there.

So here I am, blogging from my phone, passing the time, happily not drowning. The rain is playing 'Red Light, Green Light'. And... yay! Hubby is home! Well, got to go find a way home! Wish us luck!

UPDATE:
We made it to the house! Hubby analyzed the water overflowing from the lake and estimated that it wasn't very deep, just extremely wide. Thankfully, our trucks are both pretty tall. He carefully maneuvered his truck across the water--kind of like on the Oregon Trail game from the '90s, but with a truck instead of oxen--and once he made it across, he drove to the house. He was going to get the tractor out and pull my truck across to make sure I got there safely, but naturally the tractor tire wasn't cooperating. So he just drove back down, took off his boots, and waded across the spillway. He drove my truck across for me, and we made it safely home.

It's still raining though, and the run-off is probably going to continue to flood the lake through tomorrow and possibly into Sunday. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow night in time for trick-or-treating, I'm going to dress up the kids and let them trick-or-treat from one room of the house to another, where my husband and I will hand out candy to them. I'm hoping it clears up though.

But still, yay for the comfort of my own home!

Oh, the Places You've Been!

Yesterday I officially started working on my son's graduation gift for when he completes high school. Except that my son is only 5 years old right now. It is going to take me 12 years to finish this, but in the end I know my son will appreciate it (and yes, I am going to do this for each of my three kids). It has two parts to it.

The first part is the easy part. This was inspired by my friend Linda, who is doing this for her kids, too. I bought a hardcover copy of the Dr. Seuss book "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" (which just happened to be the 25th anniversary edition).

I know, it's cliche. Everyone buys this book for their graduate. But I looked for another book, one that said the same things and offered the same advice but still gave off the feel that you shouldn't grow up too quickly... and I really couldn't find one. I didn't want it to be a real novel, because I had more in store for him than just a few words of wisdom on a page. And so I kept coming back to this book, eventually deciding to buy it. But wait! There's more.

Every year, at the end of the year, I am going to take the book to my son's teachers. I am going to ask them to sign it, and to include some of their favorite memories with my child. At the beginning of his journey (which is now, in Kindergarten) I am also going to have his principal write something for him, because she was the first. I think I will only ask the principals to sign it when my son is getting ready to leave a school (elementary, middle, high). I wish I could ask every teacher he knows to sign it, but there are just too many. Homeroom, stations, music, PE... so many wonderful teachers. Anyways, this part of his gift will be kept a secret.

The second half of his gift is one he himself will create, even if he doesn't realize it right away.

We are going to make a progressive time capsule. It is very simple, and doesn't take up nearly as much space as a regular time capsule. The best part is that I can back it up on my computer!

In a typical time capsule, you put your favorite things and memories inside, and lock it away for many years. Then, when you open it again (be it 1 year later or 30) you are filled with nostalgia and happiness as you reminisce about each item. Well, I already started a keepsake box for each of my children, that stores memorabilia and (obviously) keepsakes. Favorite school projects, ribbons, awards, pictures, trinkets. But as a graduation gift, it had to be unique and something that would bring back memories of his times in school while still showing him how far he's come.

I am writing up a list of questions. Some examples are:

• What is your favorite color?
• What is your favorite subject in school?
• Who is your best friend?
• What do you like to do after school?
• What is your favorite movie?
• What is your favorite book?
• What is your favorite food?
• What special things happened this year that you want to remember?
• What do you want to be when you grow up?
• What does it mean to become an adult?
• Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In 10?
• What would you buy with a million dollars?

I am going to type them up and leave spaces for answers, and a space at the top for a copy of his school picture, then print it out. I will have my son fill it out in his own handwriting, then I will scan it and save a copy to my computer. The page he fills out will be filed in the filing cabinet, but having a backup copy is always a good idea. Every year when school ends, I will have him answer these questions again. And every year the page will be scanned then added to the filing cabinet.

When the time comes that he graduates high school, I will ask him to fill out one last page. Then I will take all the pages together, put them in plastic page protectors, and place them in a small binder to give to him.

He will know about the binder, because he will fill out his page each year. But I will give it to him alongside his Dr. Seuss book, filled with memories. I will do this for each of my kids as they progress through their school years. I want them to not only see firsthand where they have been and how far they have come, but also to see how much I have supported them through it all and encouraged learning and knowledge. Because in the end, I hope my TRUE gift is a love of learning.

What did you do for your graduate? What questions would you ask for a progressive time capsule? Let me know in the comments!

10 Things Memories Have Ruined For Me

We all have parts of life that are stuck in the past. Songs, scents, places. Things that trigger memories. Sometimes they are good memories, like family picnics or meeting your best friend. Sometimes they are bad memories, like traumatic experiences or difficult times. The worst feeling is knowing there are things in your present that you avoid because the memories hurt. I'm trying a little self-healing today, so let's start by facing fear and putting the past where it belongs... behind me. Here are my top 10 triggers. (No specific order.)

1. The song Moon Baby, by Godsmack.

I totally lost my virginity to that song. Not that THAT is the reason I can't listen to it anymore; it reminds me of that guy, and he did some really bad things to me that I'd like to forget.

2. Dark, lonely nights outside.

Sometimes when I'm driving down my driveway late at night, pitch black sky and deathly quiet, I'm reminded of the time my son ran away. So many bad things could have happened to him, it scares me to think of all the "what ifs", and on dark nights like that, all those thoughts just flood in.

3. Bruno Mars.

So, this isn't exactly a bad memory. It's actually a good one. But under bad circumstances. I had a friend that got to see Bruno Mars sing, and he was really excited about it. Problem was, I had gotten too close to him aaaand let's just say it was a bad time for my marriage. But even though it was a bad time, I have a lot of happy memories with him. And I feel guilty for being happy about them. I'm not saying I want to go back to those days, because we've all moved on and I love where I am in life. But I can't listen to Bruno Mars without remembering, so we have to count Bruno in the list of bad triggers.

4. The name Ken.

This has at least three memories attributed to it, one that's not bad but two that are. Ken was the name of an ex that just has a lot of complicated memories attached to him. It was also the name of my stepdad's stepdad. He wasn't a bad guy, but I accidentally tripped him once when I was a kid; I wasn't watching what I was doing and he fell. He had to go to the hospital and everything. He was okay, but he never looked at me the same way. Like he didn't like me and now he hated me. I don't know if he really felt that, but I felt hated and unwanted, and as a child, that's one of the worst things. To KNOW an adult doesn't want you around at all.

5. The name John.

It doesn't matter how you spell it, it's all the same memory. You know how there's always that one name in your life that EVERYONE shares? Every time I meet someone new or someone is telling me about a friend, it's always a Chris or a John. It's inevitable that I'd have enough memories with those names that they bring up the past. Especially the name John.

6. Cheating movies.

Whenever a movie shows a husband or wife being cheated on, they always show the pain they feel. Like in-depth close ups that last 20 minutes long. And how it ruined their life forever. They remind me all too clearly of the pain I caused my husband in the past.

7. My size 7 (and my size 14) jeans.

These might actually become good memories one day. But for now, they are triggers of a time when I was healthy and thin, wearing a size 7. Now my current 14s just remind me of how big I've gotten, and my 7s mock me. Which reminds me that I need to take better care of myself.

8. Dead chickens.

Talk about a horrible thing to trigger a memory! When I was depressed a few years ago, I stopped caring for the animals and garden the way I needed to. The garden was overrun with weeds and soon died, and the chickens became dehydrated and began to die. I lost sight of a lot that year, and the chickens paid the price. I hate reminders of how bad I had gotten.

9. November 17th.

That day, in 2013, is the day I lost my best friend to diabetes. The worst part was not being able to say goodbye. The last interaction we had, if you can even call it that, was two weeks prior to his death. He clicked like to a picture I posted on facebook. A picture of a dog I had, that I don't even have anymore. Just a chain of memories that I'll never have, because he isn't here to make new memories with. He was a great guy and an amazing friend, and he didn't deserve to have his life cut so short. These memories are also often triggered by K-Mart.

10. My family.

This is the one I love to hate the most. It's the best of the worst, and it's self destructive in the most loving way. I seek out its pain every day and it nourishes me. All because of the distance. I love my family, I have great memories of them (and terrible ones, but hey, don't we all?), but those happy memories are the gateway to suffering. My family is split three ways and all across the country. I live too far for them to visit me, and I can only visit one of them a year. Any time I have seen them since moving to Texas, anything I read about them on Facebook, any happy memories I have of time we spent together before I joined the Navy... all remind me of the fact that life is going on without me. I'm not there with them, to laugh or cry or hug. I'm missing parties, graduations, weekend sleepovers, birthdays, family get-togethers, barbecues, walks around the block, visits at work, inside jokes, pictures together... I've become that "distant cousin that I think lives in Texas, she might have some kids but I never met them." It doesn't help knowing that I'm the one that moved away, and I'm happy where I am in life, and I'm never moving back. So basically it's my own fault I'm missing out, and I have no right to be upset about it. Worst. Feeling. Ever.

Now that I've gotten it all out on the table, it's time to sort through it and start putting it away. My family won't get filed away in the past of course, but the pain needs to be. It's time to put that pain and fear and regret to rest.

Minion Twinkie Valentines!

My son's kindergarten class is having their Valentine's Day party Friday (February 13th). We have to have our valentines turned in by then, so my son can pass them out to his class. I saw an image of an idea for a birthday party in Google images, and I wanted to do it for valentines!

The idea?

Minions!

I wrapped Twinkies in minion wrappers and attached them to valentine cards. They came out adorable, I know the class will love them as much as my son does! :)

Here's what you'll need:

• Twinkies
• Printer and paper
• Scissors
• Red construction paper
• Glue stick
• Valentine cards (store-bought or homemade)
• Pen
• Paper clips or heavy stickers

1. First, you'll want to visit Tonya Stabb's blog. She has a free printable on her Despicable Me 2 Party post for minion push-up cupcake wrappers. These fit perfectly around a Twinkie. Print out as many as you will need. Cut out your wrappers.

2. Next, take your glue stick and apply glue to the section of the wrappers that says "Glue here". You might also want to apply some to the inside of the paper on the other end that will wrap around. Just for a little extra "stick". Then wrap a wrapper around a Twinkie and lightly press the glued edges together.

What your Minion should look like so far :)

3. For an added touch of love and affection, take red construction paper and cut out small hearts. Glue one heart to the front pocket of each minion twinkie.

4. Have your child write his name on the valentine cards, and the name of who it will be given to. If you are making your valentines homemade, here are a few cute phrase ideas that were on our store-bought cards:

• I've got my eyes on you
• I've got my EYE on you
• EYE'm stuck on U!
• You're one in a MINION!
• Falling for U

(One in a MINION was my favorite!)

If your valentines cards fold up, go ahead and do that now. Our store-bought ones folded up and sealed with small heart-shaped stickers.

5. Attach each valentine card to the back of a minion twinkie either with a sticker or a paperclip.

To take them to school, I stacked them in a small box inside of a grocery bag. The box makes sure that between picking the bag up and putting it down repeatedly, it won't slowly detach the cards from the twinkies. Anyways, that's all it takes, and it makes the cutest little valentines ever! :)

Now share this post, and go make some valentines!

Pimsleur Italian Lesson 9--A Comedy...?

For the past three weeks, I've been listening and speaking along with Pimsleur Italian lessons. I listen to it every morning on the way to take my son to school. Sometimes I'm not sure I learned a lesson well enough, so I repeat it the following day. It's not a bad way to learn (we'll review a few different language learning methods in a later post). One of the great things about Pimsleur is that it starts you out with words and phrases that will help you get around a bit if you visit a country that speaks the language you are learning.

A few years ago, I was doing Pimsleur Japanese, and it was made very clear how humble and modest the Japanese are in their conversations. They are polite; conversation topics started out with family and work and many different ways to be polite through modesty -- talking them up while talking yourself down. It's like constantly bowing through speech. It's actually  a very nice change from the way people typically talk here in America, where you never know if the next person you talk to will be polite, outspoken, shy, rude, etc.

But these Italian lessons so far are very much centered around food, eating, drinking, getting to restaurants and hotels, and asking others to come along in a big social day out with food, wine, and beer. Not that I'm being stereotypical; that's just the way Pimsleur seems to show it. It makes for some really amusing conversations!

For example: Today I finished Lesson 9 (introducing hours of the day). The last 10 minutes of this lesson, where you are made to act out a conversation between two people, is HILARIOUS. I swear, I was cracking up. A guy keeps asking a girl to drink with him, and not picking up that she definitely doesnt want to. Maybe its funnier in Italian, and when you don't know what he is going to say next. But anyways, it went like this:

GUY: Would you like to drink something with me Miss?
Girl: Not Miss... Mrs.
GUY: Sorry, Mrs... But would you like to drink something with me?
Girl: No thank you.
GUY: Not now?
Girl: And not later.
GUY: But at 1 o'clock, okay?
Girl: It's not okay with me!
GUY: ...at 2 o'clock?
Girl: No thanks--I don't want to.
GUY: Later, at 8 o'clock?
Girl: No thank you.
GUY: Or at 9 o'clock?
Girl: Certainly not!
GUY: Tell me, at what time? At what time would you like to drink something with me?
Girl: No, I do NOT want to drink something with you!
GUY: Ah, I understand now.
Girl: Great, you understand now!
GUY: Yes. You don't want to drink something with me.
...But you would like to eat something with me. [Note: I felt like I could literally SEE her facepalm here.] At the restaurant. At 8 o'clock, or at 9 o'clock?
Girl: Not at 1 o'clock, and not at 2 o'clock. Not at 8 o'clock, and not at 9 o'clock.
GUY: At what time?
Girl: You don't understand, sir.
GUY: What don't I understand?
Girl: You don't understand Italian, sir.

It's especially funny because in a previous lesson, a guy asked a girl to have a drink with him, and she said yes. So he asked what she wanted to drink. She says some wine, and then he asks "Would you like to drink some beer?" (Ummm no, I just said wine?) She says sure anyways. He asks where she wants to get that drink, and he says, "At the restaurant?" But she replies, "No, at your place." She knows he has a blatant disregard for her wants and yet she still goes home with him.

These lessons are so amusing. Definitely keeps me entertained, and wanting to do more. Good job, Pimsleur! Haha :)

New Year's Resolution 2015

Well, it's that time of year. Time for a New Year's Resolution!

I always set such high standards for myself, then talk about how deep and important it is and how I know I need to stick with it to better myself.

Last year's resolution failed miserably in every sense of the word, starting from the first bout of morning sickness three weeks in.

Something about knowing it's a new year just showers people with motivation. Short lived, typically, due to the realization that the calendar might have changed but life is the same. But I'm going to try once more to grasp that motivation and take it for the blessing that it is. A chance to start something.

This year's resolution is to keep moving forward. This means... well, before I say anything, what does it mean to you? Take a minute and think about it. Keep moving forward.

*    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

Keep moving forward means that I won't let myself get stagnant and that I will find ways to be better. I've been learning Italian. I'm not going to promise myself to speak it fluently by the end of the year, but I will keep moving forward and try to learn as much as I can. I had a baby this year, and I'd like my old body back. I'm not going to promise myself that I'll be 120 lbs by the end of the year, but I will keep moving forward and try to be more healthy, and with a little effort maybe weigh less than I do now. I want to be more in touch with my family. I'm not going to promise myself that I'll call everyone once a week for at least an hour, but I will keep moving forward and pick up the phone once in a while for more than just Facebook games.

What is your new year's resolution? How will you keep moving forward? :)

Top Ten {Personal} Highlights of 2014

2014... There are only two weeks left in the year, and I've only made two posts. ALL YEAR. It's sad, I know. But this year has been SO exciting. So much has happened, and for one reason or another I haven't gotten around to blogging about it at all. Well, here I am! And here is a quick look back through 2014, to catch you up on the 10 events that I feel sum up my year. :)

Oh, and these aren't in any specific order. :)

• I got pregnant! In January I took the wonderful test that said I was going to be a mom (again). The funny thing is, last December during the full moon I prayed. I prayed for a little girl. I woke up the next day to find that my period started, and wouldn't you know it, it was the last period I had. And what did I find out at my ultrasound? ...it's a GIRL! Huge thanks go out to every corner of the Universe for this one. My little family is complete. :)

• I got a shiny new (well, new to me) 2009 Toyota Sequoia. I'm especially excited about having third row seating. I love this thing, and sometimes I wonder how I got around without it.

• We went to Yellowstone! Talk about exciting. We love to travel, and each year we try to go somewhere new. We finally made it to Yellowstone National Park, and we are more than ready to go back. It was beautiful, and unique, and we saw all kinds of animals. And we only hit the bottom half of the park! It's huge. It's near impossible to choose only one picture to sum up the trip, so I went with a traditional sign picture. :) Old Faithful, by the way, is definitely worth seeing.
  

• I got a new kitty. :D Her name is Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds -- Lucy for short. She is one of the sweetest and most protective cats I've ever had. And like her namesake, her eyes are like diamonds in the sky and she LOVES to sing (meow loudly and frequently).

• Doctor Who. I dove into the fandom this year, letting go of my self-consciousness and enjoying Doctor Who for the amazingness it really is. Tennant is my doctor. The Doctor in all his regenerations makes me laugh and cry all at the same time. And my hubby not only knows of my DW obsession, but fuels it as well (as evident by the birthday cake he got me).

• Kindergarten! My oldest started school this year, and it has been amazing. It was such a milestone in not only his life, but mine as well. He has been doing so great, I am SO proud of him! 
  

• Cakes, cakes, and more cakes. It has taken me a very long time to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I think I finally found my calling. CAKES. I am slowly gathering the tools to really make them look professional, but let me just say, I love it. Every cake, every ounce of frosting, every decorating tip and every color. I hope one day I can make them look amazing. 

• I had a little girl! And she's an angel. Her name is Alyssa. Her big brothers love her to death, and she looks just like me. :) There's way too much to say about her to put into a single paragraph. 

• The boys met Santa Claus for the first time. Santa just happened to be making his yearly mall visit, and we decided to stop on by. David was very well behaved and asked Santa for trains. Levi got scared at the last minute, so I had to hold him, but in the end Santa knew that he wanted trains too, lol. 
• I got happy. I know this seems like an odd thing to say, but it's the best description I can find. This year, I started breaking down the wall I've managed to put up around myself. I started getting closer to my hubby, started spending more time with my in-laws, started talking to my family and friends more, started getting out of the house, and started taking the kids to events/kid parties. And even though I sometimes need to force myself to get out of the house, it's always worth it in the end. 

Well, that was 10. There is one more thing I'm definitely excited about, and it's definitely been a highlight for me, and that is the fact that my brother is going to move out here to Texas! I have been too far from my family for far too long, and I was always close to my brother. So I am ECSTATIC to finally have him closer. :D But technically he doesnt come out till January, which is next year. ;)

Do you have any special moments in 2014 that highlighted your year?

There are still two weeks left in 2014, plenty of time to figure out what my New Year's Resolution will be. And plenty of time in the future to show you everything I've been doing and all about our newest family member. Till then, Merry Christmas!

To Be a Parent

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it doesn't... but there's a reason they say that. Because being a parent is hard work. It takes an immense amount of love, and no small degree of patience, understanding, discipline, teamwork, and care. The attention and focus that a child requires can take a lot out of a person--or a village--but the rewards make it all worth it in the end. The love they give back to you, the knowledge that they exist and are flourishing because of you, and the laughter and joy that fills your hallways as they learn and grow.

That being said, this has been a very hard year for a few parents and parents-to-be that I know. The trials and tribulations that come with parenthood (even ones that aren't typical) are out in full force this year. I myself haven't had time to blog until now because in January I found out that I am pregnant with my third child (and it's a girl!). This pregnancy has been extremely trying, with many symptoms that are new or enhanced compared to my previous pregnancies with the boys. There has been an increase in morning sickness and vomiting (which still happens now in my 5th month), raging hormones that cycle through increased sex drive, lack of sex drive, increased irritability, lack of brain cells, short attention span, breakouts across my face that are reminiscent of high school days, drained energy, cravings to cook (but not cravings to eat) and a whole lot of energy bursts followed by intense fatigue.

All of that makes it a bit more difficult to give my boys the attention they deserve, and a village would be a nice aid right about now. But the boys do seem to understand that "mommy is sick because she has a baby sister in her tummy" and they are more than willing to help out (even if I have to go behind them and do it again, it's the thought that counts and I love that they want to help). October can't get here fast enough; I can't wait to meet my baby girl and stop all the nausea and hormonal waves.

My friend is starting her own village this year, so to speak. I can't even word just how proud and honored I am to have her as a friend for the journey she is taking. She is going through the classes and programs required to adopt a child. There are so many children out there who will never know what it is like to have parents, to feel truly wanted. It's heartbreaking, and with my pregnancy emotions I really have to fight thinking about it right now or else I'll break down crying. There are also so many couples out there who dream about having children, about starting a family, who have their hopes and dreams slashed when they discover they cannot have children of their own. It makes me want to rethink every complaint I have about pregnancy symptoms simply because--whether good or bad--she can't go through them. But this is my journey, and she will have her own emotions and experiences that I will never have, so I think in the end we are even.

I do want to say though... the child that will one day call my friend his/her mother is very lucky indeed, and will have a wonderful and happy life.

Another friend of mine is going through much less rewarding troubles with her children. Or rather, with the government in regards to her children. It's situations like this that should remind us just why we DON'T utilize an entire village to raise a child. Because no two people have the same exact view on raising a child, and villagers would be at each others' throats arguing the right methods of discipline (both positive and negative methods). The government has their own twisted sense of what is proper, with no distinguishing between right and wrong. They also seem to have an entire branch of government filled with people who do not have children of their own, telling people how to raise their children, and if they don't do it the exact way "suggested" they remove the children from the home without a second thought.

Here's a thought: why investigate a good home with good parents, when there are so many obviously bad homes out there? Where is CPS for the woman with 15 kids by different fathers who says that she is not responsible for her own children?

Sorry, I got a bit opinionated there. Blame it on the hormones, okay? Or the less-than-adequate city they live in. Blame that, too.

Anyways, as I was saying. My friend is going through some trouble with CPS. I won't give names or specifics, but the basics are that her kids' principal decided to call CPS to investigate their home for domestic violence when her son went to school with a swollen eye. The school didn't seem to know the difference between an allergy and a punch in the face. Even after a doctor signed a note saying that it might be a bug bite and prescribed Benadryl (which took the swelling down) CPS still decided that either my friend's children needed to be removed from the home, or my friend's fiance needed to vacate the property and cut all contact with the kids until otherwise stated by the agency. They willingly chose the second option, to keep the kids at home. Granted, he is not their biological father. But he has done more for those kids and loves them more deeply than their father ever has, and this has torn his heart into pieces not being able to see them.

The word "might" has never angered me more than it did the day this all happened; I was with them the entire weekend beforehand and saw the bug bite on his eyelid myself. It is a clearly visible bite, and the fact that the school nurse "didn't see it" makes me question the credentials required for the position. The idea that the teachers at the school told the children to say "daddy hits me" angers me even further. What right do they have to interfere in someone elses' life when they don't have any idea what goes on off school property? There are people in this world that should not be allowed around children, that much is for sure, but my friend is not one of those people. Nor her fiance. They run a clean and happy household, the children are well fed, have a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, and toys in their rooms. They go to school, they have friends. The house is drug free, abuse free, and family oriented. I will never understand why the case has been drawn out as long as it has (it's only been about 2 weeks, but that in itself is 2 weeks too long).

There is some sort of a meeting tomorrow, and I get to attend. I really hope this will all be over with in the morning, because those kids miss their daddy so much. Honestly I want to see the government pay for therapy for the whole family after putting them through all of this for no reason. Taking someone's kids away from them without reason is probably the hardest and most emotionally traumatizing thing a person can go through. I can't even imagine.

It doesn't take a village to raise a child. It takes a willing heart. All the trials we go through as parents, and to become parents, we do out of love. May the rest of the year be better for us all.

New Year's Resolution 2014

Another year is about to pass. It's usually around this time that I start thinking about a resolution.

Most New Year's resolutions are either impractical, or reach too high to ever succeed. I always look to set a goal that will benefit me in more ways than one, and often times goals that will benefit others. This year, I will be selfish... I strive to make myself a better person. I want to use the knowledge of my past to put life lessons into practice. I want to make drastic changes that are gradual enough to achieve. I want those I care about--and who care about me--to know that I have heard them; that their advice and compliments and deep conversations were not lost on me.

To achieve these ends I shall declare three resolutions in lieu of one. One goal for my body physically, to become healthier and more active. One goal for my heart emotionally, to regain precious self esteem and confidence. One goal for my mind spiritually, to expand my knowledge and fill a void.

1. Physically. My goal here is in two parts... to drink a glass of water every day, and to perform some measure of exercise each day. This can be for 5 minutes or an hour, however much I feel like that day. Every small bit is a step more than I otherwise would have taken, which benefits me in the end. Naturally, I hope to lose weight and fit back into a smaller size, but the goal is health, and any weight loss is just a bonus.

2. Emotionally. At least once a week, I will look into a mirror and remember what has been told to me over the years--the compliments and arguements for my self worth. Each time I do this, I will write one down and reflect on it, and try to see what they see. Then I will link them together and hang them somewhere I can see them every day. I need to learn to look past the flaws they never saw, through the scars they couldn't see, and accept myself for who I am... love myself  for who I am.
There are a few specific people throughout my life who have inspired this goal, whose love fought against my strong-willed doubt. I dont want that to have been in vain. Two of these people I have lost this year; the boy who gave me the world, and the man who made me feel like I was the only person in his world. They showed me I am special, and I am beautiful, and I am not worthless. That I was thought of every day, that someone can get lost in my smile (and tell the difference in my smiles), that talking to me can make someone's day better, and even that in their eyes, hey, One Direction wrote a song about me.
My hubby has been trying to get me to see these things for years. After this long, its about time I give myself a real chance to accept these things.

3. Spiritually. Throughout the year, I want to study Wicca and complete my study of the Major Arcana in my Tarot deck. I have never allowed myself to connect to anything or anyone on a spiritual level, but I have noticed that when I study my cards, I feel calm and hopeful. Spirituality is an area in my mind that I have avoided, but I'm reaching the age where I no longer care what people think about my choice of Faith, and I will walk any path along which I am comfortable. Wicca is the closest to my personal beliefs, and I am interested in furthering my understanding of Wiccan ways.

If I can follow these three goals throughout the year, my hope is that I will be healthier, I will accept myself, and I will have something to help guide me. Only one of these will change my daily habits--and that is the exercise. Granted, the water is daily as well, but getting a drink each day is already habit... I simply must make the choice to drink water. Even if I fall behind a bit, as long as I do my best, I will still be on the right path. ♥

Kid Karma: TV and Imaginary Bridges

Well, it's happening again. My kids are paying me back for my childhood.

Today, as I'm sitting in my chair crocheting, I have passed the Wii remote to my four year old so he can have control of Netflix for a while. The boys have their own profile, set up for kids, so I dont have to worry about them watching any adult shows. Unfortunately, it doesnt  filter out the shows with no educational value whatsoever.

I'm reminded of my own childhood, every time my parents told me to turn off some stupid show, or made fun of what I was watching, or just flat out disapproved. As my son jumps up and down on the couch cheering for "Codename: Kids Next Door"--a show I used to watch as a kid--I realize just how bad of an influence the show is. They encourage kids to ignore and disrespect adults, throw things at them, refuse vegetables, live off candy and sodas, and disregard all responsibility or thought for their future. It really makes me miss Tad's annoying voice on Leapfrog shows. At least those are actually educational.

I really would love to take a moment to throw this out there... Leapfrog movies and games are AMAZING. Thanks to the Leapfrog movies, my kids (ages 2 and 4) both know their alphabet, the sounds each letter makes, which letters are vowels, their numbers up to 20, and their shapes. I highly recommend Leapfrog to anyone, the movies arent very long and they can hold kids' attention spans longer than most shows. My kids are ready for school, and my oldest still has half a year before he starts.


The past week, Kid Karma has been kicking me in the lower back, too. That is, my back hurts from constantly bending over to clean up and refold my husband's work pants. My kids seem to think my bedroom floor shouldnt be stepped on, and the only way to get around in the room is to build a bridge. Every time I ask my oldest why the pants are all over the floor, the answer is the same... "we built a bridge mommy."

They are driving me crazy, and I'm sick of picking up the same pairs of pants every day, if not two to three times a day. But the imaginary apple doesnt fall far from the tree... when I was a kid, I used to line my mom's books and VHS tapes along the floor to avoid falling in the lava (i.e. stepping on the carpet). I used to get into so much trouble for that... but I still never listened. So I know what is going through my kids' heads, and no amount of punishment is stopping them. I just have to keep trying, and wait till they grow out of it.


Mom, dad, I am SO sorry for every idiotic useless show I watched that did nothing but rot my brain. I am sooooo sorry for every time I walked across your books and movies. Part of me wants to be defensive and say that it's your fault you had a lava floor... haha, but I know I should have used something less breakable. Like pillows.

Karma always comes back around, kids... next time you dont listen to your parents, just you wait! Your kids will show you how it feels soon enough.

My Winter Habits

Every winter, I get into a very confusing state of activity. It's the time of year where I get the urge to be active and the desire to be lazy simultaneously. Lady Winter, she comes... and she's-a comin' in fast! So it's time for me to start figuring out what sort of habits to set into motion.

Our house doesn't have central heating. So on cold winter mornings, I need to get up early (or at least, before the kids are up, and preferably a half an hour before I'm even up, if that were possible! haha) and get a fire started in the woodstove to heat the house. Of course, as much as I'd love to do so, I'd also love to sleep in past noon. I don't have anywhere to be anyways, except maybe once a month.

I have this eating habit, where during the hot months I don't get hungry at all, and during the winter months I'm consistently hungry throughout the day. It's not healthy, and most of the time it's subconscious, and I don't realize I'm doing it.

I think I can safely lay some of the blame for my winter eating on the television; there's not much else to do when it's too cold to go outside, so we tend to group up in the living room (near the wood stove) and surf through Netflix and our overflowing movie shelves.

As much time as you'd think I'd have in winter, I should be getting more writing done in my book. I can never seem to focus enough--especially while chasing down active kids and cleaning the house--and always remind myself that there is no rush. It doesn't change the fact that my book isn't going to write itself, but I know I'll have a little time here and there to pick it up and get a few pages done.

Then I have my games. I love my tablet, and it has a lot of useful apps including internet, camera, calendar, and notepad... but it also has a lot of fun games. Now, I'm not going to list ALL my favorite games, but I will tell you the ones I'm currently obsessed with. They are TeamLava games: Bakery Story, Restaurant Story, and Dragon Story. In the first two you run a bakery and a restaurant, designing them and preparing food for your customers, and in the last one you own a chain of islands and raise and breed dragons. Cute little games for sure (and if anyone picks them up, feel free to add me on any of them, my ID is CrystalHPK).

I also get caught up baking. Running the oven is a great way to heat the kitchen, and with my winter hunger, there are a lot of new recipes I like to play with. This winter might be a good time to type up all the recipes I've added throughout the year and file them into my cookbook (my grandmother made it for me when I got my own kitchen, and I'd like to keep it organized).

Between the cooking and the eating and the oversleeping, it's a good thing that I also get the winter urge to work out! I have an exercise bike and an elliptical, and last winter I used the two of them to work off 30 lbs! It's no secret that over summer (and with the return of my depression) I gained a little weight back. Nothing more than I've weighed before, but enough to be discouraging. So I'm excited to get back into my workouts and get things moving again (and the pants size dropping again!).

I've happily decided to combine some of these things to allow for all of my winter habits. Whenever I am watching TV or playing my tablet games, I will be on a workout machine. It's too easy for me to sit on the couch and get lost in my games for hours at a time, so this way I will be productive during the times when I am being lazy. ;)

Of course, there will be a few things I can't do while I work out, like my Italian lessons or studying my tarot cards. Those require full focus and attention, and preferably a flat stationary surface. But this is a great start, and it's not much of a lifestyle change, so I don't feel like I'm taking on too much at once, and it helps alleviate the guilt I feel at my lack of physical activity. Mainly since there's not going to be a lack anymore. ^_^

Well, those are my plans anyways. What are some of your winter habits? Are there any changes you'd like to make?

In Loving Memory of Terry Martin

November. They say this is a month of giving, and of being thankful for what we have. For me, this is also a month of remembrance.

On Sunday, I lost someone very dear to me due to complications with diabetes. It was my friend Terry Martin. I've been having a hard time accepting it, and I'd imagine I'm not the only one. But I have something that no one else has... I have my memories.

Terry and his Mom

Terry was one of my best friends. He has been there for me since childhood when our parents worked together, and we grew up side by side. We attended the same middle school,  the same high school,  and even worked together at K-Mart. Our lifelong friendship extended beyond school and into "real life", and even stretched across the country when I joined the military, got married, and moved to Texas. No matter how far apart we were physically,  he was always in my heart and I knew I was always in his.

I started this post Monday morning. I knew that I would write it, but I didn't think it would be so hard. This is for him, and I want to get the words right... but I know he always understood what I was trying to say even when I couldn't explain. This will most likely be one of those times.

It's funny what we remember after someone is gone; the littlest things suddenly seem so big, and nothing goes in order any more. But I don't suppose you can organize things like this... your mind and heart have their own method to the madness, and all you can do is enjoy the ride. This was my ride, and so some of it might seem trivial or selfish, but it mattered to me, and that's all that really matters at all.


For me, this ride begins on a schoolbus to Colonial High School. You see, with both of the people I thought I'd know forever, we grew up together and our parents were friends, but the memories with them both begin in high school. It's like, we rediscover each other and form our own bonds before our parents remind us that we aren't coming together, but that we are reuniting after a while apart. I look forward to our next reunion, because I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. A lifetime's worth.

I just need to take a second here to catch myself; sometimes when I think about how much longer my life might still be--that I hope it might still be--I become afraid that I might forget him. The fear doesn't last long though, because I know I could never forget someone who had such an impact on my life.

Anyways, the bus. He used to ride the same bus as I did, when he lived down the street. He would sit near the front with our friend Renee. They were the nerdiest, geekiest people on that bus... which naturally made them the only people worth talking to. Terry was part of what I looked forward to on the bus rides, because after a day of getting teased and picked on at school, I could always count on Terry to treat me like a normal person. I mean, sure, he teased me too... but always nicely, and he always made me laugh. Ah, nerds. Terry was the first computer "hacker" I knew--he could solve any technical issue and find anything on the internet. And if it didn't exist, he'd turn up with something even better. Before my brother picked up computers, Terry was my go-to-guy for anything virtual, and he taught me most of the computer skills I carry with me today, including DOSBOX and how to get torrents and what to do with an ISO.

Terry and I hung out in almost the same group in school, too. Though he would often wander the campus with some of his friends during the lunch hour (Bailey being the one he spent most of his time with), I typically stayed in one area, with the outcast nerds, (sadly) the perverted virgins, and the girls who might not have been cheerleaders or dance captains, but they were the sweetest people you'd ever meet and worth more time than I gave them. Terry and his friends would wander over to our area and hang out with us a few times a week. High school is funny that way... you get so caught up in the drama you try to avoid, that you end up creating even more drama. Terry and I had our own WORLD of drama... but hardly anyone else ever saw it unless they were really looking.

Terry loved me. So much. He told me so in high school, and that feeling never once seemed to ebb. Even when I dated idiots who treated me less than he would have, even when I got married, and even when my life had progressed beyond any hope that I would be with him. He still loved me, and always let me know that it didn't matter, because the only thing he cared about was my happiness. If I had that, then he said he could live without me. And I can't even begin to express the pain that caused me in itself, because for years I struggled with the idea of being with him, and every time I just couldn't commit to anything because he was too good of a friend, too good of a person to waste on someone like me, and because somehow my mind had securely locked him in the friendzone. How often do you hear about that happening?! I never knew it could until I felt it myself. That feeling when you know for a FACT that someone is the best match for you, and that no one in the world would ever treat you as good as they will... but no matter how much you love them, you just dont feel it the way they want you to.

Oh, but I loved him so. And I can't imagine he knew just how deeply. It might not have been the way a wife loves a husband, or even the way a sister loves a brother. It was just there, like it was meant to be. I know we weren't the only ones who saw it either. Twice (at least) I remember my dad suggesting Terry as a boyfriend, asking why not when I said no. Sorry dad, it's hard enough to explain even now, how could I have explained as a teenager?

The memories surpassed all drama. In the end, for me, nothing else matters but the incredible memories that--although they might seem like nothing--helped shape me into who I am, and it's because of Terry that I had a strong foundation to build self esteem on. I still lack in that department, but the foundation is there all the same.

Terry's High School Yearbook Photo, 11th Grade I think.

Terry and I fit together better than peanut butter and jelly. One year, as a Valentine's Day fundraiser event, the school put out a compatibility test. Take the test, submit your answers, and on Valentine's Day, you could pay $2 to get your results. Not surprisingly,  Terry and I were 98% perfect for each other. Even the best couples in school weren't that compatible! At one point I remember going through his iPod in his truck, while we were headed to Waterford Lakes, and being completely floored by the similarity to my own iPod. It might not seem important, but I know for a fact that the music on my iPod is so random and completely mixed up, between genres, years, artists, beats... no one in their right mind listens to that exact same variety of those exact same songs and types... no one, that is, except Terry. Even the most obscure songs that I think no one else even remembers or has ever heard... but if they are on my iPod, I could always say with 99% surety that they were also on his.

Looking back, I think he was better for me than I ever was for him. When I got a cell phone, Terry would text "Good morning, beautiful." Every day. When we worked together at K-Mart, when I would go on break or if I got there early, I would hang out around him until I had to work. If we were on break at the same time we'd hang out in the breakroom, and on days that I didn't feel well he would let me curl up in his lap and try to rest until break was over. I remember so many times when he would bring a gallon of water with him, because as he would say, "A gallon is only like 62 cents, and a 16 oz bottle is like 1.19... fuck that, I'm buying the gallon!" [Insert amused chuckle here.] I didn't go out much in high school, or even when I would visit after joining the Navy. But when I did, I never felt safer than the times I'd climb up into his truck. We went to McDonald's once. I honestly don't know why that sticks in my head, since I don't remember anything else from that day. We went to Waterford Lakes a few times, too. Mostly with friends. One time, we were walking through Target and I mentioned the Jelly Belly section (an entire row dedicated to individual dispensers of each flavor of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans, where you could fill a bag with whatever flavors you wanted) and Terry went and bought me a HUGE bag. He was so sweet. Even when he was angry, it was sweet. A year or so ago, I blogged about a very traumatizing assault I suffered at the hands of an ex-boyfriend during high school. Terry texted me the following day, and his anger was obvious even through a simple text. He said that if he had known at the time what Charles had done, he would have killed him. I honestly don't know if he really could have hurt anyone, but just to see him say that made me feel cared for.

I have to thank him for my selfesteem. I don't have much, but what little I have was built on his love and encouragement. He would give me this look whenever I'd put myself down, a look that seemed to combine "don't ever say that again" with "you're crazy if you think that." Somehow I think it's because of these conversations that I now say "you're crazy" (in a loving way) to people who give me compliments. He made sure I knew that he thought I was beautiful, he told me he loved me all the time, and would tell me all the things he thought I deserved. He was definitely crazy... but because of the years he spent trying to convince me I was worth something, I can look into a mirror and begin to accept who I am, and some days I even think I'm pretty. It might sound conceited or self centered,  but the idea that I'm not worthless began with him. As I said, it was the foundation my esteem builds on, and it's all thanks to him.

I still kick myself sometimes for not being with him. Mostly because I know it hurt him. No matter how much I loved him, and regardless of how many times I'd tell him that, it never changed the fact that I didn't feel the same way. I can't even describe how many nights I cried because I thought I'd never find someone as wonderful as he was, and why my heart wouldn't allow itself to feel more. That old George Strait song, You Can't Make A Heart Love Somebody, made me cry every time it came on. My cousin even tried to help me, telling me once to just go give him a hug, then to just kiss him and see where it led me. I never could get past that hug. *sigh* What's worse, is that--I believe it was right after I got married--Terry got a tattoo on his chest of a broken heart. It wasn't hard to put two and two together. I'll tell you one thing, nothing in the world makes you feel like more of a bitch than the day you realize your best friend has a broken heart, and it was your own happiness that did it. But even so, it's a pain I could not have avoided, because I would have married my husband again and again if I could do it over.

Despite the sad story that shadowed our friendship, it was a strong and fierce bond that even death cannot break. We didn't always stay in touch as often as I would have liked, but that was my fault. The time between correspondences hardly seemed to matter at all, because when we did talk again it was as if it was just a day later, and we always picked up right where we left off.

There is one memory, however... the defining moment of our friendship, that in my eyes summed up everything he was and everything he would have been. And it is on this memory that I'd like to end, because it is the strongest,  it is my favorite, and it is one of my top ten most cherished memories of my entire life.

It was an ordinary night in high school. As always on the weekends, I was walled up in my room with my laptop, staying up all hours of the night on my then-favorite websites (Neopets, Gaiaonline, and always with my AIM [messenger] window up). Terry and I often chatted throughout the night, though looking back we talked so much that I'm surprised we ever had anything to talk about! On this night, I don't remember if we had been talking about travel, or places we'd like to see, but he told me he had something to show me. He sent me a webaddress, and told me to go there and download it. It was a link to Google Earth. Now, it's changed a bit in the past 10 years, but the basis is still the same: download the program, and you have a virtual globe of the Earth that is comprised of real satellite images taken within 6 months, and you could zoom in close enough to see your house. It's an amazing program even today, so you can imagine how incredible it seemed when it first came out!

So I download this program, and through AIM Terry guides me to specific locations. We visited the Great Pyramids of Egypt and the Sphinx.  We saw the Eiffle Tower, and Stonehenge. We went to my house, then his. Easter Island. Ground Zero in New York. The middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Italy. China. Japan. We started going to random places and showing each other with the latitude and longitude. After a few hours we realized we had spent all night traveling together without ever leaving home. Laughing together, sharing in the excitement and wonder of seeing the world. When we finally went to bed, I laid there for almost another hour, just thinking. I know in part I was just caught up in the moment, and maybe it was because I was pretty geeky too, but I had also mentioned it to him earlier during our exploration. Terry had just given me the world. He knew what he did, and how sweet it was. But he wasn't thinking of that. He only thought that it would make me happy.

 

That was just who he was. The perfect summation of a classic Hollywood love story, but real and full of such sweet sorrow. Shakespeare barely comes close to inciting the range of emotion he could have had if he had known Terry. I'm so grateful to have known him, and he will always remain in my heart as my best friend, my inspiration, and the boy who loved me and gave me the world. ♥

Irreplaceable

Some things just can't be remade. Most especially the moments of our lives. They are unique, like fingerprints or zebra stripes. Of course, even experiencing these things differently, we are all still human. And all zebras are still zebras. But it's those differences that make them special; the reason we get sentimental, or the reason we look back on a memory and suddenly feel that familiar stirring of emotions that was first incited in the moment we are recalling.

We all experience much the same things in life. But what, of those things, we choose to 'take with us', to file away not only in our minds but in our hearts as well, is again unique to us, as if they are extentions of ourselves. Our memories shape who we are today, and the memories we are creating now will shape who we will be tomorrow.

There are a lot of things lately, the little things, I think, that I have found myself thinking about. Usually just before bed, when I reflect on what I did that day, and what I'd like to do when I wake. And I've come to realize... there is nothing like a cat tugging at the end of your yarn when you are trying to crochet. It's the pure joy and thrill of the chase that shines in your cat's eyes that really makes the moment. How even a cat can take advantage of the simplest things and find new and exciting uses for them.

There really is nothing like following your eldest boy into their bedroom, stopping at the doorway to pick up your youngest--who has asked so nicely to be carried to bed--only to have your eldest run back to the doorway and wait his turn to be carried to bed too (now that he knows it's an option). There is no replacement for the constant forgetfulness all day long--the pills that are taken hours behind schedule, and the cups that wait patiently on the counter to be filled, and even the bladder that screams to be emptied after countless times of getting off the couch, only to get caught up in other things--then to sit down to bed at the end of the day, and to have your mind imagine hearing a text message come into your phone, just to remind you to put it on your nightstand. There is nothing as amazingly embarrassing--which in turn becomes laughable--when you realize how much you cried during a favorite show or movie, even when there was no one around to see you that way.

There is nothing like sitting down to crochet, getting comfortable, then suddenly getting the urge to blog (thank god for tablets!). There is nothing quite like watching your kids read books to the best of their ability, and realizing that they are growing up faster than you want them to. Every time they point to a letter and get excited. Every time they sit down to an educational movie and you catch them counting the numbers on the video before they are said aloud. Really I think just watching your children grow and learn, whenever you really stop to think about the wonder that it is.

Then there's the feeling of completing a project you were working on, for me in particular that is when I finish one of my crochet pieces. Maybe a stuffed animal, a purse, or a kitchen wall mural. The knowledge that you took a simple piece of string and created something wonderful.

And of course what kind of fond memories would they be without marriage? Often times, those are the best ones. There is nothing like spending time outside while your husband works on a project and having him randomly walk over and put his coat around your shoulders because he noticed you were cold. Nothing beats walking into a room and seeing the smile sweep across his face as he tells you that you are so beautiful... even in those pajama pants and unbrushed hair.

Then there are the things you couldnt see that brighten your thoughts. Such as the excitement of a new idea, or the hope pulling you toward a new year and a fresh start. The curiosity about whether you'll ever have a daughter, and what on Earth you'd name her if you did.The sheer beauty in the scent of fresh air, and the myriad of food fantasies your mind creates when you get hungry (even when the dream of living in a house made of Subway sandwiches is shattered by the fact of a hotdog on bread).

There is so much more than just this. There are the memories you lived, and the ones you observed. Like watching your dog seem to enjoy the new sweater you knitted for her. Watching your husband sleep. Watching your children sit on the couch sharing books, getting up for a snack or a drink, and not coming back unless they also had one for their brother.

There will always be memories that, no matter how hard we fight ourselves, we cant recall. The worst of these are the ones we never had. It's a sad thing, to regret not having a memory. Especially when there's nothing you could have done to create it. For me, it lies in knowing that my brother and sisters and cousins are growing up halfway across the country, and I'm missing out.

Which of course brings me to my final point, one I'm sure has crossed your mind during this. What about the bad memories? The ones we hid away and locked deep inside? Or even the ones we wear on our sleeves, not always by choice? Sexual assault, a bad breakup, a friend's betrayal, a layoff at work... these negative memories shape us just as much as the positive ones. But I don't want to elaborate on those. The choices I've made due to my negative memories are done and over with, and it's the positive ones that will carry me forward.

Live each moment to its fullest, and at the end of the day, remember the little things... the small moments that made you smile. Because they will carry you, too, through darkness and rain, back to brighter times again. And because they are irreplaceable.