Expecting the Baby

It's been nine long months, and I'm ready to have the baby. These last few weeks have been hard on me, knowing that the due date is so close. I have tried everything to keep my mind off the upcoming delivery, from settling in front of the TV with back to back shows and movies, to spending sun up to sun down in the garden, planting and weeding and observing. I'm running out of things to keep myself occupied as the garden work comes to a slow steady pace and the pile of dishes diminishes. Now that there is nothing to distract me completely, the anxiety sets in.

Almost any woman, whether or not she has ever had a child, can describe for you this exact anxious feeling. It's the same feeling you get when that time of month comes around, and you can just FEEL it approaching. It's the feeling where you know something is coming, and you just can't shake it. When every time you go to the bathroom you have to close your eyes for a second and pray there wont be any blood yet... and the sigh of relief when you find nothing there. And then seconds later, that inevitable anxiety comes back when you realize that it might not be there yet, but that just means that there is still more waiting and wondering and fearing. And when you finally look down and see that there is in fact blood, although you are relieved that the wondering and waiting is over, you now are angry and exasperated, and not a little exhausted at just KNOWING what that means. It means being uncomfortable; it means mood swings; it means feeling like you just want to take a shower until you're done with it all. It's the exact same thing when you are expecting a baby.

I was doing really well the last few weeks. I knew the baby was due soon, and each day that went by brought me closer and closer to the big day, but I also knew that my body would tell me when it was ready. With my first son I woke up one morning to find a spot of blood, I began dilating that afternoon, and that evening my contractions set in (hard and painful) and I knew I was having the baby. I was hoping to expect something much the same this time around, but now I know it will be different. I haven't felt anything strange or different--other than being more and more anxious--but my last doctors appointment was Tuesday, and I was told that I am already dilated to 1-2 centimeters. That's early labor!!! Once I hit 3 centimeters, everything after that is ACTUAL labor, and that's when I'll need to go to the hospital. The fact that I'm already this far really hits it home... that the baby is getting ready whether or not I am!

My biggest problem now is that every move I make, I'm wondering if I'm going to have the baby. Every time I go to the bathroom, I'm checking to see if there is any blood (a good sign it's going to happen in the next day or so!). Every time the baby kicks, I'm wondering if he's dropping down for his big entrance. Every time I feel a contraction, I compare it to the one before to see if it feels more painful, and when it's over I wait a few minutes to see if another one is right behind it (and so far, they are still random and far apart). My next doctors appointment isn't until Tuesday. I keep having this dream where I go to the doctor and I'm told that instead of going home, I might as well just go one building over to the Labor and Delivery area and check in. I dont think that scenario would really bother me too much... it actually sounds very simple and easy. Which anyone who has had a kid knows it's never that easy!

I just want to have the baby already. All this waiting and wondering and fearing is really bugging me. And the bit of pain I am getting with my contractions, along with the knowledge that I'm dilating, just keeps me in a constant state of awareness of the baby and upcoming labor. With my luck, I wont have the baby for another two weeks. Come on baby, just get it over with!!! I pride myself on the patience I am known for having when other people have trouble being patient, but this is getting ridiculous. I can't stand waiting any longer!!!