It hurts when someone can't keep you in their life anymore, and you aren't ready to let go. But you have to, because it's what they want, and when you love someone, you do what makes them happy even if it hurts you.
I will always love you, and I hope you find the peace you are searching for in your new life. You taught me SO much; I was so thankful to have you in my life while it lasted. I understand your reasons, and while I don't agree with them (because it excludes me) I want to see you have everything you need and anything you could want.
I feel cheated, because I never really got to say good-bye. Circumstances arose too quickly, and I was too far away. I wish I could have had one last hug, seen one last smile, and heard one last "I love you." I am grateful for what I did get though. Life lessons... happy memories... the feeling of being loved and supported...
I'm going to miss that.
Kids grow up, but they never really leave. That's another reason this is so hard for me. I have easily let go of many people to whom I promised I would always be there. I have walked away from those I have loved, those who have loved me, from those I have hated, and those who have hated me. I never thought it would be this hard to walk away from one more... but I also never thought it would be you I'd have to walk away from.
I think it will take a very long time before I am truly ready to let you go, before enough time passes and enough change takes place in my life for it to seem more natural. Though I hope you will always know just how much I cared--and still care--and cherish the memories we shared. Because the years we had, tied together as family, made us who we are. It would be a shame to forget the past.
This is what you want, and I will respect your wishes.
That being said... Farewell.
Be happy. I love you.
♥
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
Fears of Writing
I am afraid.
I just had to start with that, because it's liberating and relieving to admit your fears.
And it's the first step in overcoming them.
Ever since I was a child, I've wanted to be a writer. When I was about twelve or so, I started writing a book. I had this 70-page Tweety Bird spiral notebook, and I had an idea. That was all it took; I wrote fifteen pages front and back, about a story that I wanted to share with the world. Now, being twelve years old, that story was completely fictional, about a girl who meets a monster... haha, the things that go on inside a child's head... but still, it was a dream of mine--a hope--that one day I would go to the bookstore and see my own book sitting on the Bestseller rack. And then to see someone walk up, glance at it, maybe pick it up and read the back cover, then nod to themselves and take it to the counter to purchase it. I just wanted to know that somewhere out there, someone else is going on the adventure I went on inside my head. That they might be feeling what I felt as I took that journey, and that they might laugh... and cry... and love... the way I did.
But that dream was shattered when I lost that Tweety notebook. All that time and work... lost. I had written too much to rewrite it, and I was terrified that if I picked up a new notebook and started over, that I would lose that one too. So I gave up.
Life went on. I went through a barrage of career ideas and aspirations... I wanted to be a veterinarian, a pastry chef, a marine biologist, a storm chaser, a Nuclear Engineer... none of which ever worked out. Of course, I can't say I ever really gave anything a fair shot. Then I got married, became a wife and a mother, and realized that I was already living out my most precious hope:
Dreams like this one don't happen every night. They are the muses who visit your subconscious and stay for tea. They are the inspiration that drives you mad with ideas. They are what fantasy is made of. They are hope.
This dream showed me a world--no, a universe--that exists out there somewhere, and people need to know about it. I have the power to inform hundreds of thousands of people about this existence... and I have only to write it down.
So, I got back on the horse, so to speak. I got myself re-accustomed to a typing program (Open Office, since I don't have Microsoft Word) and I began to type. At first it was just a recollection of the events of that amazing dream; before I knew it I had a baseline in my head for an entire trilogy! The spark was reignited, and I knew once again that my calling was to write. And now I had no other choice... how could I keep this incredible story to myself?!
But, alas, I am afraid.
I am afraid for many reasons; here are my top few:
I am just starting this journey. I am almost done with two chapters, though I have three chapters worth besides these already typed out, just waiting for me to perfect them. This is going to take a while. There is a very good chance that it will not be done this year. But I promise you all, as I have promised myself, that I am going to write this.
And who knows? Maybe one day you'll find yourself strolling the aisles of Barnes and Noble, and you'll see a section in the Bestseller column that says Aspect: The Dragon King. Then maybe below that you'll see my name, Crystal Burton. Maybe you won't even know who I am, maybe you'll just like the name or the cover image. Maybe you'll pick it up and read the summary, and maybe it will interest you. You never would have thought you'd be picking up your new obsession when you set that book down at the check out counter. But maybe... just maybe... it'll happen.
I'll let you know how things are coming on it as I go. It won't be very often. I'm not setting myself a time frame or deadline--that would just rush things. But don't worry... I have hope, a laptop, and a great idea that says this is going to get out there. =)
I just had to start with that, because it's liberating and relieving to admit your fears.
And it's the first step in overcoming them.
Ever since I was a child, I've wanted to be a writer. When I was about twelve or so, I started writing a book. I had this 70-page Tweety Bird spiral notebook, and I had an idea. That was all it took; I wrote fifteen pages front and back, about a story that I wanted to share with the world. Now, being twelve years old, that story was completely fictional, about a girl who meets a monster... haha, the things that go on inside a child's head... but still, it was a dream of mine--a hope--that one day I would go to the bookstore and see my own book sitting on the Bestseller rack. And then to see someone walk up, glance at it, maybe pick it up and read the back cover, then nod to themselves and take it to the counter to purchase it. I just wanted to know that somewhere out there, someone else is going on the adventure I went on inside my head. That they might be feeling what I felt as I took that journey, and that they might laugh... and cry... and love... the way I did.
But that dream was shattered when I lost that Tweety notebook. All that time and work... lost. I had written too much to rewrite it, and I was terrified that if I picked up a new notebook and started over, that I would lose that one too. So I gave up.
Life went on. I went through a barrage of career ideas and aspirations... I wanted to be a veterinarian, a pastry chef, a marine biologist, a storm chaser, a Nuclear Engineer... none of which ever worked out. Of course, I can't say I ever really gave anything a fair shot. Then I got married, became a wife and a mother, and realized that I was already living out my most precious hope:
To love and be loved, unconditionally. To be and FEEL wanted. To feel needed and to need someone else. To be a part of something greater than myself. To be a wife, and a mother, and a friend.That right there was enough for me, and I was happy with it. Of course, old habits (and dreams) die hard. I was still writing poems and songs, albeit few and far between. I was still imagining, and I was still creating. Then one night, a few months ago, I had a dream.
Dreams like this one don't happen every night. They are the muses who visit your subconscious and stay for tea. They are the inspiration that drives you mad with ideas. They are what fantasy is made of. They are hope.
This dream showed me a world--no, a universe--that exists out there somewhere, and people need to know about it. I have the power to inform hundreds of thousands of people about this existence... and I have only to write it down.
So, I got back on the horse, so to speak. I got myself re-accustomed to a typing program (Open Office, since I don't have Microsoft Word) and I began to type. At first it was just a recollection of the events of that amazing dream; before I knew it I had a baseline in my head for an entire trilogy! The spark was reignited, and I knew once again that my calling was to write. And now I had no other choice... how could I keep this incredible story to myself?!
But, alas, I am afraid.
I am afraid for many reasons; here are my top few:
- I am afraid that I am going to lose it again. After all the work I've already done, what if it gets lost somehow? I know I can't handle that happening again.
- I am afraid that I'm going to get Writer's Block. I'm scared at the idea of writing SO much, only to get stuck and have to set it to the side, praying for inspiration that may never come. I'm scared that it will go unfinished.
- I am afraid that I'm going to get sidetracked. Not from my writing itself, but from the storyline. I'm terrified that I'm going to get hooked on one aspect of the story and end up writing too much about that part and deviate from the baseline enough that the story becomes warped, that people will begin to question the main characters or the purpose behind the story... I don't want to get off-track. I want to keep the focus on the main characters, while telling of these adventures they take, spending just enough time describing the worlds and creatures that they become familiar. I'm afraid, because I'm not sure if I can do that. I know I can, really, but I also know I don't have the self-confidence to recognize when I've done something worthwhile. It's difficult to recognize potential and not have faith in it. Which is part of why this is so terrifying.
- Which leads into my next fear, actually. I'm afraid that I'm going to let people down. The story itself is incredible, I have no doubt in my mind that people will love it. But the medium through which they first experience it is going to be my writing... my words... my books. Can I deliver it to them in such a way as to grab their attention, keep them hooked, and leave them wanting more? And if I were to spend all this time and effort writing a book, and in the end not have it published... I would be letting down my family, who encouraged me and told me they believed in me, my husband, who supported my dream, and I'd be letting myself down as well.
I am just starting this journey. I am almost done with two chapters, though I have three chapters worth besides these already typed out, just waiting for me to perfect them. This is going to take a while. There is a very good chance that it will not be done this year. But I promise you all, as I have promised myself, that I am going to write this.
And who knows? Maybe one day you'll find yourself strolling the aisles of Barnes and Noble, and you'll see a section in the Bestseller column that says Aspect: The Dragon King. Then maybe below that you'll see my name, Crystal Burton. Maybe you won't even know who I am, maybe you'll just like the name or the cover image. Maybe you'll pick it up and read the summary, and maybe it will interest you. You never would have thought you'd be picking up your new obsession when you set that book down at the check out counter. But maybe... just maybe... it'll happen.
I'll let you know how things are coming on it as I go. It won't be very often. I'm not setting myself a time frame or deadline--that would just rush things. But don't worry... I have hope, a laptop, and a great idea that says this is going to get out there. =)
Monday, February 25, 2013
2013 Garden Season!
Let the Gardening Begin!
It's official: I have begun planting.
The season had it's kickstart last week when hubby took the tractor into the garden to plow it up. Then on Saturday, we went seed shopping! When we got back to the house my mother in law and her hubby were already there, tilling up the garden. SO much thanks go out to them for bringing over the tiller, I know they have their own garden that needed tilling as well, so I really appreciate them taking the time to do mine. So the garden is nice and freshly tilled, the ground looks great, and this huge garden is ready for planting!
While we were at the store though, we picked up a few other things besides just seeds. Things that are going to make THIS planting season better than ever!
First off, we got a greenhouse! It's a little walk-in greenhouse with a zippered door and 16 shelves.
We also got potting soil, seed starter trays, a watering can, and a spray bottle. Now I am all set, not only to plant my vegetable garden, but also to have herbs (and strawberries!) that will have a safe place to grow.
So... what am I planting this year, you ask? Well, I'll tell you! =)
For the Garden:
I'm doing much the same things I did last year, but in smaller quantities to allow space for new veggies as well. I'm doing sunflowers, corn, tomatoes, peas, green beans, carrots, beets, broccoli, cauliflower, eggplant, bell peppers, a hot pepper mix (jalapeno, cayenne, and others), squash, watermelon, cucumber, cantaloupe, and pumpkin. I'm doing ONE packet of squash though; not the two full rows of overkill that I did last year. Last year, I had so much squash, I couldn't give it away fast enough and we ended up with cartloads that we were setting up as targets for shotguns. That is WAY too much squash! I was cutting it up to feed to the animals and even they were getting tired of it!
This year, I am also plotting it out a bit differently, so that my vines (cantaloupe, pumpkin, watermelon, and cucumber) don't grow into each other... or at least so they don't crowd each other out. I'd rather climb through separate patches of them than have to wade through a jungle of intertwined vines and fruits.
For the Greenhouse:
The greenhouse is mostly for my herbs, but also for things that we didn't think would be safe out in the garden by themselves. My herbs tend to grow very well at first, but midway through the season they don't get watered, or the wind knocks them over, or the animals tear them up... Well not this year! They are safe and sound and warm in my little greenhouse. It has only been set up for a day and a half so far but I went into it this morning and was happy to feel how warm it was in there, and even though the wind is howling outside, it doesn't penetrate the safety of the greenhouse plastic walls.
The herbs I am doing this year are: spicy basil, sweet basil, oregano, lavender, spearmint, chives, single leaf parsley, triple curled parsley, cilantro, sage, and catnip. That last one there is for my kitties, of course. =) I was looking for chamomile but couldn't find it anywhere. If I manage to get ahold of some seeds I'll grow that too, I'd like to make my own herbal tea this year. Also in the greenhouse I have a packet of habanero pepper seeds... we wanted to make sure they grew well and that we would know them 100% from the other peppers... they will be hot, and I don't want to pick one thinking "oh this is just a small bell pepper" then have some REALLY hot lasagna, hahaha!
We bought some small strawberry plants and a few bags of strawberry seeds, and I'm going to keep those in the greenhouse, too. I don't want any animals getting to them and I know how much squirrels and rabbits enjoy them. I have never been able to grow strawberries (though to be honest I haven't given it a serious try) so this will be the year.
There are a few other things we have going on this year. Mike bought me a lemon tree, that is to stay in a pot, and it is in the front yard. Also, last summer we visited my dad and his fiance in Utah. While we were there we got to meet her parents, who have multiple Apricot trees in their yard. I got to take home lots of bags full of of apricots (which I then made into jam) and I still have a bag full of apricot stones (the pits inside them). Well, I want to try to grow apricot trees.
I am well aware that they do not produce fruit until their third or fourth years. But see, that's part of the wonder of gardening. You get to watch something grow, and if you treat it right, it will reward you! It also teaches you the virtue of Patience. Of course, I know nothing about growing apricots. So I did some research, and it turns out that it is going to be quite the test of patience just getting the stones to sprout! I have to put them through a sort of "false nature" trial, where I soak them over night, then wrap them and put them in the fridge for a full month! It is supposedly to mimic the act of the fruit falling to the ground then going through a cold winter. When I take them out of the fridge and plant them in the soil, it is like spring has come, and they should begin to grow. Well, we'll see.
I have taken 32 stones (about a quarter of what I have) and they are in the kitchen soaking right now. Tomorrow they will go in the fridge, and in a month we will put them in the greenhouse to get ourselves some Apricot plants going!
Okay well, that's the plan. As of this morning, I have planted the herbs in the greenhouse. It's a bit too windy today for my liking, so I'm going to wait on the garden planting until tomorrow. Once I get to the store and get a few more seed starter trays, I'll transplant my strawberries and plant the strawberry seeds. Good thing I won't need the trays for the apricots for another month! I'll get you an update just as soon as the rest of the garden has been planted. =)
Now get out there and grow things! ^_^
It's official: I have begun planting.
The season had it's kickstart last week when hubby took the tractor into the garden to plow it up. Then on Saturday, we went seed shopping! When we got back to the house my mother in law and her hubby were already there, tilling up the garden. SO much thanks go out to them for bringing over the tiller, I know they have their own garden that needed tilling as well, so I really appreciate them taking the time to do mine. So the garden is nice and freshly tilled, the ground looks great, and this huge garden is ready for planting!
 |
| The garden, freshly tilled, and the hoses run back to the sprinklers. |
While we were at the store though, we picked up a few other things besides just seeds. Things that are going to make THIS planting season better than ever!
First off, we got a greenhouse! It's a little walk-in greenhouse with a zippered door and 16 shelves.
We also got potting soil, seed starter trays, a watering can, and a spray bottle. Now I am all set, not only to plant my vegetable garden, but also to have herbs (and strawberries!) that will have a safe place to grow.
So... what am I planting this year, you ask? Well, I'll tell you! =)
For the Garden:
I'm doing much the same things I did last year, but in smaller quantities to allow space for new veggies as well. I'm doing sunflowers, corn, tomatoes, peas, green beans, carrots, beets, broccoli, cauliflower, eggplant, bell peppers, a hot pepper mix (jalapeno, cayenne, and others), squash, watermelon, cucumber, cantaloupe, and pumpkin. I'm doing ONE packet of squash though; not the two full rows of overkill that I did last year. Last year, I had so much squash, I couldn't give it away fast enough and we ended up with cartloads that we were setting up as targets for shotguns. That is WAY too much squash! I was cutting it up to feed to the animals and even they were getting tired of it!
This year, I am also plotting it out a bit differently, so that my vines (cantaloupe, pumpkin, watermelon, and cucumber) don't grow into each other... or at least so they don't crowd each other out. I'd rather climb through separate patches of them than have to wade through a jungle of intertwined vines and fruits.
For the Greenhouse:
The greenhouse is mostly for my herbs, but also for things that we didn't think would be safe out in the garden by themselves. My herbs tend to grow very well at first, but midway through the season they don't get watered, or the wind knocks them over, or the animals tear them up... Well not this year! They are safe and sound and warm in my little greenhouse. It has only been set up for a day and a half so far but I went into it this morning and was happy to feel how warm it was in there, and even though the wind is howling outside, it doesn't penetrate the safety of the greenhouse plastic walls.
The herbs I am doing this year are: spicy basil, sweet basil, oregano, lavender, spearmint, chives, single leaf parsley, triple curled parsley, cilantro, sage, and catnip. That last one there is for my kitties, of course. =) I was looking for chamomile but couldn't find it anywhere. If I manage to get ahold of some seeds I'll grow that too, I'd like to make my own herbal tea this year. Also in the greenhouse I have a packet of habanero pepper seeds... we wanted to make sure they grew well and that we would know them 100% from the other peppers... they will be hot, and I don't want to pick one thinking "oh this is just a small bell pepper" then have some REALLY hot lasagna, hahaha!
We bought some small strawberry plants and a few bags of strawberry seeds, and I'm going to keep those in the greenhouse, too. I don't want any animals getting to them and I know how much squirrels and rabbits enjoy them. I have never been able to grow strawberries (though to be honest I haven't given it a serious try) so this will be the year.
There are a few other things we have going on this year. Mike bought me a lemon tree, that is to stay in a pot, and it is in the front yard. Also, last summer we visited my dad and his fiance in Utah. While we were there we got to meet her parents, who have multiple Apricot trees in their yard. I got to take home lots of bags full of of apricots (which I then made into jam) and I still have a bag full of apricot stones (the pits inside them). Well, I want to try to grow apricot trees.
I am well aware that they do not produce fruit until their third or fourth years. But see, that's part of the wonder of gardening. You get to watch something grow, and if you treat it right, it will reward you! It also teaches you the virtue of Patience. Of course, I know nothing about growing apricots. So I did some research, and it turns out that it is going to be quite the test of patience just getting the stones to sprout! I have to put them through a sort of "false nature" trial, where I soak them over night, then wrap them and put them in the fridge for a full month! It is supposedly to mimic the act of the fruit falling to the ground then going through a cold winter. When I take them out of the fridge and plant them in the soil, it is like spring has come, and they should begin to grow. Well, we'll see.
I have taken 32 stones (about a quarter of what I have) and they are in the kitchen soaking right now. Tomorrow they will go in the fridge, and in a month we will put them in the greenhouse to get ourselves some Apricot plants going!
Okay well, that's the plan. As of this morning, I have planted the herbs in the greenhouse. It's a bit too windy today for my liking, so I'm going to wait on the garden planting until tomorrow. Once I get to the store and get a few more seed starter trays, I'll transplant my strawberries and plant the strawberry seeds. Good thing I won't need the trays for the apricots for another month! I'll get you an update just as soon as the rest of the garden has been planted. =)
Now get out there and grow things! ^_^
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
What's More Important? Internet vs. Country Living
The two separate sides of my mind have hit a crossroads, and I'm not sure how to compromise to satisfy them both.
You see, as a whole, we live in a technological world. One that relies heavily on networking, streaming, video chat, uploading, downloading, gaming... all of which requires high-speed internet with no download allowance.
But out here in the country, I'm a bit detached from that world. It's the reason why every month or so I seem to "phase out" from Facebook and blogging, the reason I still don't have Diablo 3 downloaded yet (even though it was given to me free through a promotion months before it was released), and it's the reason I can't have Netflix streaming in my house.
I live in a completely different world. One that is more physical--open--with freedom and fresh air. I am in Central Texas, in the middle of green pastures and cow country. I have horses, I have a barn, I have a lake, I have a front yard that stretches 1/4 mile and a backyard that I can't even see the end of. I live on 134 acres with my husband and our two little boys. And I love it out here.
I grew up in Orlando, Florida. Out in the city, in a neighborhood where your backyard was big enough for a swing set and a trampoline and that was about it. Where you had paved streets and all the kids met up to play basketball in their driveways or hide and seek under streetlights. Where you HAVE streetlights. You could walk to the nearest gas station, or restaurant, or school. Where I live now, our closest neighbor is over half a mile away (that is, if you drew a straight line from our house to theirs; it's farther than that if you measured by the road). We have gravel roads until you hit the highway, and the only kids we know are family. We don't have streetlights until you hit a city--and our closest "town" doesn't qualify for that title, seeing as how it has a single stoplight... and it's not even a stoplight, it's a caution light. I suppose I could attempt to walk to the nearest gas station... though it would take me a few hours to get there by foot.
Don't get me wrong; I love it out here. The freedom to walk out my front door wearing whatever I want--or don't want! The wildlife I get to see out my window. Families of deer, even a beaver down at our lake! My kids can run and play in the pasture and not have to watch out for cars. I can have a wider variety of pets out here that I would never have had in the city. We have an array of birds ranging from chickens to guineas to exotic pheasants, and we're restocking on ducks, geese, and quail this year. We have horses, we've had goats and donkeys, and I've even had a llama. ♥ We have horseback riding, four-wheeler expeditions around the property, and campfire hangouts with marshmallows and good music. Country life is truly different from city life. Things are done differently, said differently, expressed differently... There's more work to be done, but more time to relax and a better environment in which to do that relaxing.
And yet, here's where I'm torn. I love the country, I love this property, and I love seeing the freedom my kids have to play and learn how to be little country boys. I love seeing my husband have the space to work on random projects and build things. I love being able to lay out in the pasture and get lost in deep thoughts or work on my book. BUT: I love technology.
I am a gamer girl at heart. I grew up watching my dad and stepdad play their games--their Segas and Playstations and Nintendos. I found a deep attachment to the gaming world and all the potential worlds that each game could bring you to. I love the challenges you face, the hand-eye coordination you need and the strategical difficulties you encounter to overcome levels and bosses. My love of technology doesn't stop at gaming either, oh no! It continues on to more important things like staying in touch with family.
The internet is the fastest and easiest way I have of staying in touch with my entire family. And I have a very big family. Facebook enables me to upload pictures of my life and kids for my family to see, and I can see pictures they post as well. We can update statuses and see how everyone is doing all from a single page. We can send notices to the entire family all at once, or chat one on one. Skype lets me have video chat with family so they can see my kids in real time, not just a still shot. And be able to talk to my kids, let them hear their voice and see their face, so it's not just "your Aunt Kasi says she loves you!" but instead, "Look, it's Aunt Kasi!" and have her be able to actually tell them herself. Netflix lets us have movies and shows to sit down to in the evening, since we don't have (nor do we want) cable television.
But our internet options out here are LIMITED. We can have satellite internet, or we can have a mobile hotspot through our phone company. That's it, that's the end of the line, that's all she wrote. Two options. And let me tell you, neither of those are good ones.
The satellite internet is SLOOOOOOOOW. It takes two minutes to upload a single photo to facebook, and I have to use the basic uploader and do a single photo at a time. It is not fast enough for streaming, so no instant-watch Netflix. And naturally, the connection is far too slow to conduct a video chat or to play our favorite internet MMORPG World of Warcraft. It also has a download allowance, giving us 1GB per 24hr period, so downloading takes forever; oh, and if you didn't know, streaming ANYTHING uses up that download allowance, so we can watch about an hour worth of youtube videos a day before it uses it all. That's spread between all three computers in the house, so 20 minutes per person. And if something is downloading on one computer, everyone else's goes super slow until the download is complete.
The hotspot has great internet. It's fast: fast enough to stream, fast enough to video chat, fast enough for World of Warcraft, and fast enough to upload pictures to Facebook with the advanced uploader in about ten seconds. PROBLEM: It has a 5GB allowance per month. PER MONTH. That means we can't actually use it for uploading pictures, video chat, or streaming. We use it to play our game, since it's something we all do together, but if we do much more than that it overruns our allowance and it costs an extra $10 per GB that it goes over. Quite easy to rack up a high bill with that.
We've considered calling up whatever the nearest cable company is and asking how much it would cost to just have a line run out to our house. But after looking it up online and seeing the trouble that some other people have had attempting to do the same thing, I have serious doubts that it's even an option. They will just laugh and tell us that it's not possible, sorry they couldn't be more helpful.
We love our internet. It's something that life practically relies on these days, with the entire world become more and more connected via internet, email, video chat, and messenger. If you need something, you can get it online faster and cheaper than if you did it over the phone or through the postal service. And as time goes on, we are feeling more and more detached from the ability to use the internet in this way. It's starting to seem like we're hungry and there's a perfectly ripe fruit hanging from a branch just barely out of reach. As a matter of fact, unless we overextend ourselves or move, there doesn't seem to be a way to reach that fruit at all.
So, what's more important? Enjoying the location that we live at, or having effective connections to the outside world? Having more things available to us with the click of a mouse button, or being closer to nature and less reliant on technology? Where the hell do we go from here? Stuck spending hundreds of dollars a month for two separate internet providers that each give us less than adequate service? I suppose that's the price of living in the country... But is that fair at all? Am I asking for too much? Is this what they mean when they say you can't have your cake and eat it too?
This is so frustrating.
You see, as a whole, we live in a technological world. One that relies heavily on networking, streaming, video chat, uploading, downloading, gaming... all of which requires high-speed internet with no download allowance.
But out here in the country, I'm a bit detached from that world. It's the reason why every month or so I seem to "phase out" from Facebook and blogging, the reason I still don't have Diablo 3 downloaded yet (even though it was given to me free through a promotion months before it was released), and it's the reason I can't have Netflix streaming in my house.
I live in a completely different world. One that is more physical--open--with freedom and fresh air. I am in Central Texas, in the middle of green pastures and cow country. I have horses, I have a barn, I have a lake, I have a front yard that stretches 1/4 mile and a backyard that I can't even see the end of. I live on 134 acres with my husband and our two little boys. And I love it out here.
I grew up in Orlando, Florida. Out in the city, in a neighborhood where your backyard was big enough for a swing set and a trampoline and that was about it. Where you had paved streets and all the kids met up to play basketball in their driveways or hide and seek under streetlights. Where you HAVE streetlights. You could walk to the nearest gas station, or restaurant, or school. Where I live now, our closest neighbor is over half a mile away (that is, if you drew a straight line from our house to theirs; it's farther than that if you measured by the road). We have gravel roads until you hit the highway, and the only kids we know are family. We don't have streetlights until you hit a city--and our closest "town" doesn't qualify for that title, seeing as how it has a single stoplight... and it's not even a stoplight, it's a caution light. I suppose I could attempt to walk to the nearest gas station... though it would take me a few hours to get there by foot.
Don't get me wrong; I love it out here. The freedom to walk out my front door wearing whatever I want--or don't want! The wildlife I get to see out my window. Families of deer, even a beaver down at our lake! My kids can run and play in the pasture and not have to watch out for cars. I can have a wider variety of pets out here that I would never have had in the city. We have an array of birds ranging from chickens to guineas to exotic pheasants, and we're restocking on ducks, geese, and quail this year. We have horses, we've had goats and donkeys, and I've even had a llama. ♥ We have horseback riding, four-wheeler expeditions around the property, and campfire hangouts with marshmallows and good music. Country life is truly different from city life. Things are done differently, said differently, expressed differently... There's more work to be done, but more time to relax and a better environment in which to do that relaxing.
And yet, here's where I'm torn. I love the country, I love this property, and I love seeing the freedom my kids have to play and learn how to be little country boys. I love seeing my husband have the space to work on random projects and build things. I love being able to lay out in the pasture and get lost in deep thoughts or work on my book. BUT: I love technology.
I am a gamer girl at heart. I grew up watching my dad and stepdad play their games--their Segas and Playstations and Nintendos. I found a deep attachment to the gaming world and all the potential worlds that each game could bring you to. I love the challenges you face, the hand-eye coordination you need and the strategical difficulties you encounter to overcome levels and bosses. My love of technology doesn't stop at gaming either, oh no! It continues on to more important things like staying in touch with family.
The internet is the fastest and easiest way I have of staying in touch with my entire family. And I have a very big family. Facebook enables me to upload pictures of my life and kids for my family to see, and I can see pictures they post as well. We can update statuses and see how everyone is doing all from a single page. We can send notices to the entire family all at once, or chat one on one. Skype lets me have video chat with family so they can see my kids in real time, not just a still shot. And be able to talk to my kids, let them hear their voice and see their face, so it's not just "your Aunt Kasi says she loves you!" but instead, "Look, it's Aunt Kasi!" and have her be able to actually tell them herself. Netflix lets us have movies and shows to sit down to in the evening, since we don't have (nor do we want) cable television.
But our internet options out here are LIMITED. We can have satellite internet, or we can have a mobile hotspot through our phone company. That's it, that's the end of the line, that's all she wrote. Two options. And let me tell you, neither of those are good ones.
The satellite internet is SLOOOOOOOOW. It takes two minutes to upload a single photo to facebook, and I have to use the basic uploader and do a single photo at a time. It is not fast enough for streaming, so no instant-watch Netflix. And naturally, the connection is far too slow to conduct a video chat or to play our favorite internet MMORPG World of Warcraft. It also has a download allowance, giving us 1GB per 24hr period, so downloading takes forever; oh, and if you didn't know, streaming ANYTHING uses up that download allowance, so we can watch about an hour worth of youtube videos a day before it uses it all. That's spread between all three computers in the house, so 20 minutes per person. And if something is downloading on one computer, everyone else's goes super slow until the download is complete.
The hotspot has great internet. It's fast: fast enough to stream, fast enough to video chat, fast enough for World of Warcraft, and fast enough to upload pictures to Facebook with the advanced uploader in about ten seconds. PROBLEM: It has a 5GB allowance per month. PER MONTH. That means we can't actually use it for uploading pictures, video chat, or streaming. We use it to play our game, since it's something we all do together, but if we do much more than that it overruns our allowance and it costs an extra $10 per GB that it goes over. Quite easy to rack up a high bill with that.
We've considered calling up whatever the nearest cable company is and asking how much it would cost to just have a line run out to our house. But after looking it up online and seeing the trouble that some other people have had attempting to do the same thing, I have serious doubts that it's even an option. They will just laugh and tell us that it's not possible, sorry they couldn't be more helpful.
We love our internet. It's something that life practically relies on these days, with the entire world become more and more connected via internet, email, video chat, and messenger. If you need something, you can get it online faster and cheaper than if you did it over the phone or through the postal service. And as time goes on, we are feeling more and more detached from the ability to use the internet in this way. It's starting to seem like we're hungry and there's a perfectly ripe fruit hanging from a branch just barely out of reach. As a matter of fact, unless we overextend ourselves or move, there doesn't seem to be a way to reach that fruit at all.
So, what's more important? Enjoying the location that we live at, or having effective connections to the outside world? Having more things available to us with the click of a mouse button, or being closer to nature and less reliant on technology? Where the hell do we go from here? Stuck spending hundreds of dollars a month for two separate internet providers that each give us less than adequate service? I suppose that's the price of living in the country... But is that fair at all? Am I asking for too much? Is this what they mean when they say you can't have your cake and eat it too?
This is so frustrating.
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