The New Me

I have been on anti-depressants for over a month now. I'll be honest, I didn't know whether taking a pill twice a day could really help me at all. Being medicated, taking a drug that is meant to alter connections in my brain... not sure how great that sounds. But after the past month, I see now just how much I've needed that alteration.

If you didn't know or couldn't tell, I hadn't been the best wife or mother the past year or so. I'm not entirely sure where it really started, or how long my emotions were slowly spiraling downwards into depression. What I do know is that I was getting worse by the week, and my home life was suffering for it. After a few months of knowing I needed help, I finally made the call and set up an appointment with a therapist.

Therapy did help though. I was able to say everything that I was thinking and feeling, and not hold anything back. And a lot of the things I thought I was wrong about, turns out that they were perfectly normal reactions to the situation I was in. However, there was an issue with my energy levels and my lack of motivation, and so medication was brought into the equation. As I said, it has been a month. And let me just tell you, I didn't know I had gotten so bad.

Before my meds, I played my online game, World of Warcraft, ALL THE TIME. Nonstop. Woke up thinking about it, talked about it constantly, played it from noon to midnight, begged my husband to let me stay up to play it longer, dreamed about it, all my best friends were the players I knew online... it was bad. I didn't cook dinner anymore, except sometimes when my hubby yelled at me for it. I didn't understand why he couldnt just make it himself if he was that hungry. I didn't get my kids dressed every day, I let them just wear a diaper since it was warm enough anyways. My idea of keeping them happy and entertained was putting on a Disney movie. When my hubby's friends came over on weekends I would find an excuse to stay inside and play my game. I was angry when I couldn't play, and I was always upset. I was finding new sad meanings to my favorite music and had a hard time listening to the upbeat songs I usually loved. I never wanted to hang out, or go anywhere, yet I complained about how I was always alone with the kids and never got to do anything. I wanted to sleep in all day and the idea of getting up to do things just made me want to sleep longer. The kids were always up before me, and the only reason I got up in the mornings was because they would bring me a diaper or a cup. I put off tending to the garden or animals far too long, and it took the hubby yelling at me to get me to do it. And even then, it was only with half of the care I should have taken. I'm not sure how my hubby managed to put up with me, honestly. Or why my friends even bothered trying to get me to hang out. I would have given up on myself a long time ago.

But now...

Well, let's just say that I am a different person. Or... am I the person I used to be before depression dragged me down? I see a few similarities in how I used to be compared to how I am now, but for the most part I think I'm completely different from anything I've ever been.

Now, I get up at a normal time in the morning, often times before the kids are even up. I do the dishes and laundry and even pick up the house and sweep without complaining. I tend to my garden every day, and the animals are doing pretty well too. I spend more time with the kids and play with them, and even read to them at night before bed. When our friends are over, I go outside and hang out with them, I'm social and talkative and laugh much more. I no longer refer to them as "my husband's friends", but instead call them "my" friends or "our" friends. I have become much more comfortable with who I am and have even taken down some defensive walls, and am now more physical and playful than I was. Well... at least with my best friend. I'm still getting there with everyone, but I can already see that I'm more comfortable around them.

I am starting to do things that I used to enjoy again. I have occasionally picked up a book to read, I have thought about pulling out my yarn and what I would make if I did (I have a really cute idea for some crocheted dolls), and I've started listening to all of my music again-- the upbeat songs, the oldies, the rock, the foreign language songs, the weird techno, and the down home country. Every weekend I look forward to my friends coming over so we can play games and watch movies. I have been harvesting SO much from my garden, and learning how to do home canning. I have already made many jars of dill pickles, bread and butter pickles, squash pickles, and pickled squash relish. I am constantly begging to give away squash, cucumbers, cantaloupe... I am being overrun with fresh veggies! I'm excited to see what my garden has done each night, and what new things are growing. I have picked many pumpkins too, and have learned how to make my own pumpkin puree, which I have already turned into 10 loaves of homemade pumpkin bread! (It really is better with your own fresh pumpkin rather than a can from the store.) Today I am going to test out a recipe for pumpkin butter... yum!

I even did something else I thought I would never do. I quit playing World of Warcraft.

I didn't want to at first. The only reason I even did it at all is because I was starting my meds, and hubby had limited me down to playing only 2 nights a week. It just didn't seem worth it to play at all if I didn't have much time on it. So the day I started my pills was the first day I stopped playing. Sure, I've missed it. Sometimes I'll be folding laundry and I'll suddenly remember something I was in the middle of doing in the game. Or I'll be getting to know a friend better and suddenly think of how I was almost exalted with a faction in the game (highest reputation you can have). But I haven't touched it. One day, I'd like to play again. One day. But I know that I'm not ready yet. I'm still too open to addictions right now, after having dropped the biggest addiction ever without even slowly pulling back, but quitting straight up, cold turkey.

As a matter of fact, today is the first day since I've started my medication that I have spent the majority of my day on the computer. And the biggest reason for that is because I was writing this post. Part of it is also because my hubby is in the process of getting a new phone, and it should be here tomorrow, but until he gets it the only way I really have to get in touch with him at work is if he's on a short break and has time to check facebook. Since I don't know when that is, I just stay logged in and check the screen every five minutes.

I'm so proud of who I am right now. Not for how I am or what I'm doing, but for who I know I can be. Everyone I know tells me how different I am and how much better I am. It makes me feel even better still, to hear that. People actually want to be around me, and I don't hate myself quite as much as I did. Occasionally, I even put on some eyeliner and mascara. And the scale has begun to show lower numbers as well! I have lost 10 lbs and an inch off my waist in the past month. Which of course gives me the motivation to continue losing weight. Life just seems like it's looking up, and if something bad happens, it's okay, because we can get through it. I have the outlook on life that I have needed, and there is always a bright side to be seen, always a silver lining.

I love the new me... and I'm so glad to be back to normal. ♥

Recipe: Cream Cheese Wontons!

Over the past week I have been craving Chinese food. And not just any Chinese food... Specifically, Cream Cheese Wontons. They have them at the Chinese buffet we eat at, they have them at the quick Chinese place I sometimes swing into if I'm in town... but it's out of the way to ask my husband to pick some up on his way home from work, and for the two to three dollars it costs for a serving of six wontons, it's not worth the drive all the way there and back. So I did a bit of research, and found out how to make them at home! It turns out to be cheaper to make them than to buy them. And it's soooooo easy. Here's what you'll need.

Wonton wrappers
1 (8 oz) package of cream cheese, softened
1 1/2 Tbsp green onions, sliced thin
Oil

Prep time: ~5 minutes
Cook time: ~1 minute

If you have a deep fryer, you can cook them in your deep fryer. Otherwise, fill a pot on the stove with about 2-3 inches of oil or shortening. Heat the oil to 350 F. If you are heating it on the stove, use a thermometer to make sure the oil is at the right temperature. (I made mine in the deep fryer.)

In a small bowl, cream the green onions into the cheese. Put about a teaspoon of the mixture in the center of a wonton wrapper. Fold the wrapper diagonally and press the edges together (rubbing a little water on the wrapper can help it stick together if needed). Pressing the edges together firmly is what keeps the cheese inside the wrapper and stops it from leaking out. Then take the two furthest corners and press them together. I took all three corners and twisted them together, but however you do it will just determine the shape of your wontons.

To test if your oil is ready, simply drop a small piece of a wonton wrapper into it. If the piece seems to bubble up, it's ready.

Drop a few wontons at a time into your oil. They only cook for about a minute, until they start to brown. Once they are a light brown, remove them from the oil. The longer you leave them in, the darker and harder they will get, and they have a higher chance of the cheese leaking.

Put them on a plate and enjoy!

My first batch of wontons ♥ I made 12, which is 2 servings from a restaurant, and I only used about half of the cream cheese!

~

Note:
Not all stores seem to carry wonton wrappers. But not a problem! You can make them at home and they are super easy!

To make your own wonton wrappers:

1 egg
3/4 Tsp salt
1/3 - 1/2 cup water
2 cups flour (more as needed)

Prep time: ~45-60 minutes

In a small bowl, lightly beat the egg and salt together. Add 1/4 cup of the water, mix well. Sift the flour into a larger bowl. Add the liquid mixture to the flour. Slowly add the rest of the water, a little at a time, until it forms into dough. Knead the dough on a lightly floured surface for about 5 minutes, adding more flour as necessary, until it becomes smooth and workable. Cover and let it rest for about 30 minutes.

Lightly flour your surface again, then roll out the dough into a thin layer (I made mine less than 1/8 inch). Cut it into 3.5 inch squares. You can stack them with a piece of wax paper in between them so they don't stick together. They are now ready to use, though they can be refrigerated or frozen until needed.

My homemade wonton wrappers, in two stacks, with wax paper between them. One batch made me enough wrappers for over 2 dozen wontons!

I Love You

I love you.
It's not just something to say.
I mean it.

I tell you I love you before we go to bed each night because I want it to be the last thing you hear each day.
I tell you I love you before you go to work each morning because you never know what can happen, and I want to make sure you know.
I text you throughout the day and tell you I love you because I am thinking about you.
I tell you I love you every time we get off the phone because I don't want to hang up.
I tell you I love you when I'm sad because I don't want to lose you.
I tell you I love you when I'm scared because I need you.
I tell you I love you after an argument because I want you to know that even when we disagree on something, I still love you.
I tell you I love you when we laugh together, because you are amazing.

I don't tell you I love you just because there's a lull in conversation.
I don't tell you I love you because it's routine.
I don't tell you I love you to get you to do anything.
I don't tell you I love you  because I want something.
I don't tell you I love you in front of other people so they know you are "mine."
I don't tell you I love you just because we are together and I feel obligated.

I love you.

So what if we argue?
So what if we don't always agree?
So what if we don't like each other every minute of the day?
So what if we get mad at each other?
So what if I storm out of the room?
So what if you don't talk to me for a few hours?

Since when does that mean I don't love you?

We might not always get along, we might not always agree. We will always have our differences, and we will always have our similarities, both of which might drive us crazy sometimes. There will be times we get caught up in each other's eyes, there will be times we don't want to look at each other. We have our ups, and we have our downs. But through it all, good times and bad, WE HAVE EACH OTHER.

I love you.
It's not just something to say.
I mean it.

I love you. ♥

2012 Garden Update, Mid-May

My garden has been planted (the second time) since the end of March. I am happy (and thankful) to say that this time, Mother Nature has allowed it to grow, and grow it has! The only thing that didn't work out this time was the eggplant, and I can't say I'm broken up about that. Anyways, onward to pictures!

 

Here's a picture of the full garden, from one corner to another. You can see obvious rows on parts of it, and what looks like a wide open space in the center. That should begin to form more obvious rows over the next few weeks, both as plants grow and fill out, and as I remove the weeds. The next 5 pictures are views down the rows, and what they are.

The Vines (Pumpkin, Cucumber, Watermelon, Cantaloupe)

The Peppers (Hot peppers and Bell peppers)

The Tomatoes

The Corn and Sunflowers

 

 

 

The Squash

Okay, so now let's take a closer look at each one. First, we'll start with the vines. Pumpkin, Cucumber, Watermelon, and Cantaloupe are all growing SO well. There are still a few weeds between them, but the vines themselves are taking over them and using them to spread out, so I only want to pull the ones with thorns. I didn't really think much about spacing when I planted these apparently, because they are creeping into each other's rows, and I foresee swimming through vines and discovering cucumbers in the pumpkin row and cantaloupe in the watermelon row... but in the end, they're all so healthy that no matter how I have to harvest them, they do seem to be growing well.

Note to self: Next year, plant the cucumber on an outer row, since they will be harvested much more often.

Cucumber

Pumpkin

Watermelon

Cantaloupe

 Then we move on to the peppers. I'm not sure how I ended up with four rows of them, but that's what I have. I know there are assorted bell peppers, and I believe I also have Habanero, Banana Peppers, and a Hot mix. Honestly, I don't remember. The pepper plants are still much smaller than the other plants in the garden, as they were last year as well. Part of this is because the pepper rows are riddled with weeds (I can't say that 5 times fast) and part of it is our nightly visitor.

I'll get you, you pesky wabbit! (See the rabbit tracks in the mud?)

However, the the plants themselves do seem healthy and a very pretty shade of green, even if they are small. It's still only May, they have plenty of time to grow up and start producing yummy peppers.

Bigger pepper plants (8 inches tall)

Small pepper plants (4 inches tall)

Pretty and healthy Tomato plant

Next in line, we have the tomatoes. There are two rows, although it's hard to tell since the squash plants are spreading into them. They are still pretty small as well, some of them are about a foot tall right now, but I will say the same thing I did about the peppers. They have plenty of time still to grow. Part of the problem is our nightly visitor, a rabbit who comes and eats their leaves. Now, I don't know if it's just one rabbit or multiple bunnies sneaking into the garden, but they're going to stop pretty quickly. A few days ago my dog was prancing around the yard showing off a brand new cottontail she had caught (and killed).






Squash! This is the section that you are just not going to believe.

The squash TOOK OFF for me this year. I don't know what I was thinking, planting two full rows of it. I think my thought process was something like, "I should probably use up all these seeds, otherwise it will have been a waste of money. Oops, I'm out of space in this row. Oh well, I'll just make another." Whatever brought it on, I now have two rows of overflowing, waist-high squash plants.

 The picture on the left here is a top view of the squash. This is what you actually see when you look at it. The picture on the right is when you move the leaves aside and look at the base of the plant. Large orange flowers and lots of growing veggies!

This is what you will find on every single squash plant, in both rows. Flower buds and an abundance of tiny veggies. They will be large enough to pick within a week.

Hm. This one is the perfect size to be picked now. I'll give it another day though, since I already have 6 squash in my kitchen that I have yet to do anything with. It's just not fun eating squash with dinner every night in a week, you know?

 Side note: Mom, I hope your kitchen is ready. I don't know how many different ways there are to cook squash, but I have a feeling you are going to try them all with the amount of squash I'm sending you. I'm just waiting for next paycheck to send it, and from the above pictures, they'll be perfect size for you by then! =)







The corn is the furthest along in the garden, mainly because they survived from the initial planting, along with the sunflowers, making them a few weeks older than everything else. The entire row has an average of 2-3 ears of corn forming on every stalk.

 

The Sunflowers are so much fun to grow. I love how tall they get, and how big and beautiful the flowers are. Right now, I have Sunflowers in all different stages.

 This sunflower in particular is one I'm paying very close attention to. I honestly don't see that it will survive, bloom, or produce any flowers or seeds... but I really hope that it does, because it will be one amazing sight to see.





 
I have nicknamed it "Gemini."

You can see in this picture that this one sunflower stalk has split off into two sections, and each section is growing it's own flower. That's rare enough as it is, having two flowers on one plant.

Here's where it gets even more rare. Not only are there two flowers on the stalk, but each flower is actually TWO flower buds, sharing the same stem. It's kind of hard to tell in the picture, but on the stem I'm holding up, there is one head on the left and one head on the right (if you look at the direction the small pointy green leaves are aiming, it helps. They surround each flower head).

If you look a bit more closely lower down on the stalk you can see that it appears to be two plants that are fused together. Or perhaps, one that never fully seperated.







My theory is that it's a genetic defect in the plant cells that is doubling everything. They are forming two of everything, but never seperating. Two main stalks, not seperated. Two flower stems, two flower buds on each stem, two leaves on opposite sides when on a typical sunflower plant there would be only one... I love when nature makes a mistake, because often times it turns out to be even more beautiful than the normal ones. I really hope Gemini blooms.

I tried to make this picture extra large so you can see, but this is how my watering system is set up. On the far side, there are two sprinklers mounted up on posts. There are also two more on the near side, but one of them is too far to the left and out of view. The sprinklers are each aimed at the garden and set to spray 180 degrees (that's a half circle). That means each quarter of the garden has it's own sprinkler. The advantage to having it set up this way is that there is only two hoses running through the veggies, I don't have to worry about moving sprinklers and adjusting them so they reach everything, and they are tall enough to spray over the top of everything, so nothing blocks the spray from reaching other plants. Due to water pressure we can only run two sprinklers at a time, but it's really not a big deal to switch them, since all four are connected to a single connector with easy to turn knobs for each hose.

As if this isn't already a long enough post... there is still more! You see, I can't have just planted the entire garden twice and have it all go flawlessly. There have been a few... "oops" plants. For example...

The cucumbers that had been planted previously have sprouted and are growing in their own row, running perpendicular to the current layout of the garden, and growing over the ends of the tomato and pepper rows.

At the edge of the tilled land, runs an entire row of cantaloupe. All growing with pretty yellow flowers blossoming all over the place.

A single HUGE pumpkin plant, fondly referred to as "daddy pumpkin". Have I mentioned he's HUGE?!

We're almost done here, but now I want to show you the fruits of my labor. Literally. I should mention, I'm not much into sports, but to give you some idea of the size of these melons, I used ball sizes.

Cantaloupe a bit larger than the size of a softball.

Cantaloupe the size of a baseball.

Cantaloupe the size of a tennis ball.

Cantaloupe the size of a marble. ...Is that not a sport? It should be. There are lots of these little ones scattered throughout the plants.

 
 Daddy Pumpkin has been growing balls too. I mean, pumpkins. Is a pumpkin a vegetable? Anyways, The one on the left is the size of a softball, and the one on the right is already nearly the size of a bowling ball. I like that it's starting to have orange shades to it! That's so exciting.

 And we will end this evening off with the smaller experimental outgrowth of the garden, the herbs. I didn't have anywhere in the ground I could plant them and still be able to distinguish exactly what was what (considering a lot of herbs look coincidentally like the weeds) and I also didn't have any small peat pots, so instead I used some styrofoam cups I had in the kitchen, filled them with freshly tilled soil from the garden, and planted some seeds in each cup, writing what I planted on the outside. I have two cups each of chives, lavender, parsley, basil, oregano, catnip (for my kitties), cilantro, sage, and rosemary. The rosemary didn't actually seem to do anything... there are two small plants growing in one of the rosemary cups but sadly I think they are just weeds. I don't have the heart to toss them and then later find out that was in fact rosemary, so I may be taking care and love to a common nuisance plant that I would have otherwise pulled up by the roots. Time will tell. In the meantime though, I'm getting them accustomed to full sunlight, a few hours at a time during the day, so I can transplant them to a raised bed I have in the back yard.

From left to right: chives, lavender, catnip, rosemary, sage, parsley, basil, oregano, cilantro.

Well, I think that has been MORE than enough this update. Hopefully the next time you see my garden, I can show you larger peppers and tomatoes, and harvested fruits and veggies! =)